Sex and relationships webchat with Trudy Hannington

chops

Happily married but with a much higher sex drive than my husband (who is only three years older.) Can you suggest ways round this?

As I mentioned to another person earlier, I would always check a man's testosterone level if his desire is low. He would need to see his GP for this.

If it is normal then you need try and discuss why his desire is low, what puts him off, what turns him on? Is it other factors like tiredness, stress work and or family issues that are getting in the way? You need to discuss what would be a happy medium for both of you, is there a compromise?

anonymouse

I am now single and I miss sex (although I would never admit this to anyone in real life)

I have considered buying a vibrator but am far too embarrassed to go into a shop to buy one and am nervous about shopping online - partly because I don't know what to buy and partly because (and I know it sounds silly) they will have my name and I really don't want anyone anywhere to know about this. I know, silly, but I can't seem to get over this

There are a number of discreet websites you can buy a vibrator from eg Lovehoney.co.uk, sh!.co.uk, Passion8.co.uk. The packaging is plain and the ordering is easy, either over the phone or via the internet. Some women who I have met over the years have gone to a different town then dared to go into Anne Summers!

Some general massagers that are for aches and pains can be used externally on the genitals and clitoris with great results. You could pretend you bought it for your bad back!

Slowboat

Hi I've just come across from twitter. I am 57 and I've never had an orgasm although I do enjoy sex with my husband, I've become so used to faking it I'm not sure whether it's too late to do something about it now. Do some women just not have orgasms?

I've never talked about this with my friends as I assume they all have very healthy sex lives with their partners.

I do love my husband by the way, and not having an orgasm doesn't mean I don't enjoy the intimacy of sex. I would be interested to find out whether I am normal in this.

It is never too late to learn to orgasm. Most women can orgasm unless something is medically wrong, it just takes patience and practice!
A lot of women don’t orgasm with just penetrative sex, most need clitoral stimulation too. Vibrators can be very helpful `and you can buy these discreetly through the websites I have mentioned earlier. The small bullet vibrators are good for clitoral stimulation and if you have never had an orgasm then this stimulation may work well.
Many women get close to orgasm but then worry that they are going to wee so they panic and stop! Go gently and slow at first to get used to it so that you can feel the build of arousal. It is useful to try on your own then you can show your husband how it works for you. Even though you have faked it all these years you don’t necessarily have to tell him if you don’t want to, just suggest something different.

pattypan

I was brought up to think that sex was somehow "dirty" and although I have had a good sex life (I think) in spite of this there is still a part of me that is somehow ashamed of this fact. In my head I know it's something that everyone does, that it's fine to do given I am a grown woman and married (yes - they told me sex out of marriage was a cardinal sin) I would love to change the way I feel as I think it would make me less inhibited.

I hear this a lot in my clinic even from very young girls too. As you have already done, keep reminding yourself that it is a natural thing to happen. If you would like to be less inhibited take a few minutes each day to think if you were more sexual with your partner how would you like to be? Try to visualize this in your mind. If we can see it we may be able to achieve it. Also sex is very good for you, it can prevent depression, keep you fit and people who are sexual live longer too!

Paulie

I divorced 18 months ago and my friends have told me I need to go internet dating. After 31 years of marriage I'm concerned about the expectations a lady might have of me these days in this modern age.
I am quite active (I'm 76) but not sure what to expect.

Internet dating can be great but the most important thing is to keep yourself safe.
You can be clear on your profile what you are looking for in a man and a relationship. Read their profiles carefully, if anything puts you off then don’t pursue.
Not everyone is looking for sex on the first date! It should be no different than if you had met someone in the local pub or at a social group, go at a pace that suits you, don’t put yourself under pressure to do something you don’t want to.

damson

Hi trudy. I'm not sure you (or anyone really!) can help, but I have a question about getting over a breakup. My husband and I were happily married for many years, or so I thought. He left me almost a year ago now, and i feel just as bereft as i did the week he left, despite a brief time when t thought i was on an even keel. i recently had to see him at our daughter's birthday lunch, which has sent me right back to square 1 it feels. other than occasions like that, i've asked him not to contact me and he seems to be able to keep to this request with no trouble, which also hurts. Id just like your advice on how to feel better and stop pinning my hopes on him changing his mind. i'm quite young still but am certain that i won't find anyone like him again and have no interest in meeting anyone new - it would end in the same way, and i couldn't tolerate that again.

A relationship ending is never easy, even if you wanted it to happen. It is a grieving process you are going through and a real rollercoaster of emotions.
It is good to have as little contact as possible and it will just drag you back each time you see him at this stage.
It is normal to have good and bad days, don’t fight the feelings it’s part of the process.
I read recently somewhere that it can take a month for every year you have been together before you truly feel ready to move on.
Sometimes we only remember the good times when a break up is unexpected so it might be an idea to recall the things you didn’t like about him or the things you didn't like in the relationship.
Try not to isolate yourself, see friends and family, join a night class or do an activity you have always wanted to do but have been putting off.
As you regain your confidence you may feel ready to meet someone new, don’t let one failed relationship put you off.
If you have stayed in the family home, you might want to change the furniture round and pack away reminders of him such as photographs.
Stay active, exercise is great for your mental health and your confidence and is a great way to make new friends.
If you continue to feel low then you might want to see your GP and seek some counseling.

Violet1

Am I alone is disliking giving oral sex? If I start a new relationship will it be expected?

Many women don’t like to give oral sex and it should never just be expected in a relationship. What some individual and couples like others don’t. I have had a number of men in the clinic who actually say they don’t like it.
There are many things you can do sexually to please your partner so they may not mind if oral sex isn’t one of them
Focus on what you do enjoy doing rather than what you don’t!