Is it possible to forgive an abusive mother ?

Hi bee. I'm sorry you had a bad time with your mum. Lots of us on here did too, including me.

My mum is now very close to death and my brothers and I are doing our best for her and have done since she was diagnosed with dementia.

She caused untold trouble between members of our family including between me and my brothers and when she dies I shall mourn the mother I should have had not my real mum. In a perverse way her machinations have, eventualy, brought my brothers and I closer together.

Please feel free to offload on here if you need to. Lots of us will understand.

Thank you so much Kitty, your kind words have made me cry.
Terrible isn't it that almost 40 years on I'm still hurting.

My mother is and always has been extremely selfish and also has a cruel streak. I could give an endless list of the cruel way she treated me as a child (at one time packing my bag when I was 10 telling me she didn't want me living with her any more). She often tried to cause trouble between my DH and myself and later between my brother and his son. She seems to enjoy causing upset and then sitting back and watching the unhappiness she has caused. She is now 90, there is no chance she will change her ways and although I can never forget the loveless childhood I had I have chosen to forgive her because if I didn't it would mean I would continue to be unhappy and that is what she would want.

I think you are asking two separate questions: is it possible to forgive, and is it possible to forget.

My answer would be yes to the former, and no to the latter. Over the years, I've learned to cope much, much better with the day-to-day ramifications - but will the hurt ever go away? No!

Sunseeker. Happiness is the best revenge.

It is possible mothers who are cold towards their children were themselves damaged as children , not excusing the behaviour but it is fact that some abused children grow into abusive adults

My maternal grandmother died giving birth to my mother who was then brought up by her mother's sister, she died when my mother was twenty four. My mother was the very opposite to the mothers spoken of here, she gave us what she had missed , which was wonderful for us five but must have exhausted her .

I am sorry you are still hurting bee63, is there a relative you could speak to and find out something about your mothers upbringing ? You may not be able to forgive the coldness but perhaps it may help you understand

NO

No, my Mother is 97 and is still telling lies about me. I was adopted and from the start she always told people that she was not my 'real' Mother but had to look after me.
When my second marriage broke up her first comment when told was to laugh and ask if it had anything to do with her interfering.
I live as far from her as I can and go through the motions, only because I loved my father(he died when i was 20) and he loved her.
Her latest was a call from her lawyer telling me to employ a lawyer, refused to give the reason, I have not seen her for 6 years and do not even live in the same country.
Goodness knows what the latest lies are but I am not rising to the bait.

I also do not think that forgetting is possible - you cannot unknow what you know actually happened. Forgiving is possible if you can come to understand that your Mother was (for whatever reason or just because she was made that way) unable to be the loving mother you yearned for. Eventually you may feel desperately sorry for her because of the happiness and joy in her family that she never experienced.

'Moving on' is not dependent on forgiving or forgetting but rather on developing an appreciation of and joy in, the here and now. Because of, in part, your past I am certain that you will have have ensured that there is a loving, caring relationship with your own children. There is a wee 'trick' which I learned during Counsellor training which most certainly worked for me. It is to find some photographs of yourself as a young child and look at them with fresh eyes as if YOU were the parent of that young girl. Is she loveable? Does your heart go out to her? Do you wish she was here so that you could hug her and look after her? Well you can, for that wee girl is inside you, she is your inner child and you can mother her and give her all the love she missed out on in her early life. You will know what she longed for back then and your adult self, perhaps with help from your family, can supply that, be it praise for something well done, wee treats, a special birthday cake, a curly perm, whatever.

Sounds a bit airy-fairy maybe, but believe me, nurturing and loving THAT child can fill up that emptiness in your own, here and now, heart.

I think the best way forward is to learn from her how not to behave.

I would never forgive an abusive mother. She broke the contract forged at birth and for the formative years of your life she was all you had. How dare she!

I agree with kitty my mother was a nightmare and now she is dead she is a frequent nightmare for me and causes many sleepless nights. I cant see how I can forgive and forget when she and her behaviour haunt me night and day and it seems to get worse.

tee thought of councelling?

Counselling!!!!!!!

Thank you granny23. I don't think you have to have had an abusive mother ( I didn't) to appreciate the wisdom of that trick.
Even when you have had a loving mother there are times when you have to 'mother' yourself.

My mother wasn't abusive, she was possessive and selfish. My father died when I was 11 and she told me and anyone who would listen how hard it was for her and how grateful I should be.
She died when I was 69 so I lived with it a long time. I now don't let it bother me.I am lucky ,but I kept up a caring relationship with her until she died as I would not have been happy not doing so. I didn't mourn or grieve when she died, I just felt that my job was done.
I didn't feel the need to forgive,she was how she was. I won't forget, how could I?
It was a major part of my life and it never worried me that my children had no feelings for her.

Yes whitewave I have and probably would benefit but I just cant face talking about all that stuff when I think of it I think I might not survive it. Luckily I have a very supportive DH who reinforces the 'it wasn't you, there's nothing wrong with you it was her' which sounds simple but its so important.

you can forgive anyone, but not forget.However, life is too short to keep on going over old ground in your mind about your Mother.It's damaging to you, forgive her and move on.

meant to put 'damaging to you'.

also meant to add, it's better for YOU if you forgive her, and it's a form of closure.

This is going to sound very hard and unfeeling, but it is something I've come to believe over the years. You don't chose your family, and there's no rule that says you have to like all of them. Sometimes, unfortunately, that can be very close relatives. There may be many reasons for this - some more hurtful than others. There is no reason why you should feel guilty about not feeling attachment to someone who has not shown attachment to you. You may feel sorry for their inability to have a 'normal, loving' relationship with you - but it's not your fault and it shouldn't affect your life. All mothers aren't magical beings who immediately feel unconditional love for their children - unfortunately some don't. Learn from their mistakes, but don't feel guilty and don't spend your life wishing you could change the situation. Sometimes you just have to say 'enough is enough'.

I think it's possible to forgive a shit childhood. I did. Genuinely.

I tried to build a "new" adult relationship with her.

But then once I let her in she was just as awful to me in the present tense.. and subsequently to my children.. as she had been to me as a child

So, yes I think it is possible to forgive the past if it really is the past and you can build something new adult to adult. But if the abuse goes on throughout adulthood.. no there comes a point where you have to stop forgiving and break the cycle

My mother was very hard on me when I was a child - physically and emotionally - and I grew up hating and being terrified and ashamed of her by turns. I hated the way she lived her life to the detriment of those around her, and the way that impacted on my father, for which I couldn't, then, forgive her. She died when I was twenty seven, and by then we had made a sort of peace, but I have spent a lot of time since her death trying to work out what made her the sort of person she was and over the years I have come nearer to understanding that, through experiencing life, apart from anything else. The black and white has been replaced by shades of grey to some extent and has softened my attitude, making it easier to see things in context. As a mother, I am the very antithesis of her. I agree with the poster upthread who said that it is possible to forgive, but not to forget.

Dear Bee, my mother was often spiteful and nasty to me (and still is for that matter) but I do believe she did her best. Her best just hasn't been very good.

Do you feel you have been a good mother. I think I have. I don't mean perfect, I doubt anyone of us would fall into that category. I really believe that my mother gave me the determination to do things better. I never wanted my precious girls to feel like I had. If you have been a good mother isn't that an achievement. Perhaps you have learnt something from her, even if it's how not to behave.

I don't think it's ever possible to forget and perhaps it might be those bad memories which keep pushing us to be a better person xx