Should grandparents drink alcohol while babysitting

Oh Notso that made me smile and I remembered a midwife from my past who recommended a drop of brandy in little one's last feed at night. Unfortunately the next morning I had a different midwife and when she burped baby all you could smell was brandy.............I was mortified!! It was over 30 years ago and daughter now has a daughter of her own..............They both sleep through the night - but without the aid of brandy......
p.s. of course I'm not advocating such practice now!!

notso, your nightcap doesn't seem to have done your daughter a scrap of harm. I forgot to say that DD used to conk out at five o'clock in the afternoon (thus the reference to early mornings).

Made me smile there baggy with talk of alcohol whilst breastfeeding...
When firstborn was about 8 weeks old we visited my Nana who remarked that I looked very tired and recommended a small nip of whiskey in milk before bed each night. I dont like whiskey but did as suggested. I was very young and naive, had no other female relatives for advice and was not aware that what I ate/drank would affect breast milk. This was explained to me about 4 weeks later, I immediately stopped the nightly whiskey, but by then daughter had established a pattern of sleeping through the night. Quite scary isn't it?
Daughter is now a robust 44 year old and likes Jack Daniels.
She still sleeps through the night.

piglet and expat, phew! I've held back from commenting on this but I agree with you both. From 20 weeks old breastfed DD3 conked out for twelve hours (fortunately I don't mind early mornings!). I used to sit down with a glass of wine once she was safely in her cot, for relaxation. Just like a cup of tea psychologically! Now, what's the betting someone will screech at me for drinking wine while breast-feeding? Before anyone does, let me just say that DD was and is one of the healthiest (and fittest, come to that) kids around. I'm not doing too badly either, so clearly it didn't do either of us any harm. As with all things, moderation is the key.

Don't you or your dh have a drink in the evening sometimes . I think that its ok providing its one or two and they are not completely rat arsed. The difference between your MIL and a babysitter, is that a babysitter is doing this as a business, and is a business transaction, whereby your MIL is family.

My goodness this is some topic. I live in a wine growing area where all the wine is drunk by the people who live here and no one thinks they can't therefore look after their children or grandchildren. Baby sitting can be lonely and boring sometimes and I personally like a tiny glass of cognac when I'm staying over and not driving home.

Fancy coming home early and finding that an adult male has gone home to fetch a bottle of wine in for his wife and himself. This is normal adult behaviour. 2 people can't get drunk on one bottle of wine!
Dear DIL just grow up a bit! It is terrible to be away from baby at first it is normal to be anxious but baby is better with his grandparents than with a schoolgirl babysitter, who's engrossed in a computergame or a TV show.
P.S. People with a drink problem are drinking after breakfast! Not in the evening when relaxing.

And of course it depends on the size of the wine glass.... My poison is G&T but I never drink the G part when I'm on my own with the GCs and it gives the liver a break

I think it's also a matter of knowing one's own limits. I've been drinking red wine on the weekends for many years (just poured a glass of Shiraz...mmm!) and I know relaxed from incapable of responding to an emergency or unable to carry a baby downstairs. If I'm exhausted after a Saturday looking after herself, one small glass, always when the Infanta is at slumber, is all I can manage anyway.

I appreciate that bad experiences of alcohol misuse cause anxiety but one of the difficult things about being a MIL is that one can't intuit the DIL like one's own children; its a voyage of discovery with plenty of opportunity to run aground (Hey Oldie; cut out those hideous metaphors NOW!). The only solution is to be direct and honest.

I think all of us who do enjoy whether babysitting or not have not had benandjerrys problem with her mum and that will make such a difference to her so I think we should all be more understanding of her situation

I agree with Jangran. I wait till my grandchildren are sleeping then relax with a glass of wine. I can't see the problem.

Well, I guess it is about whether or not you think that drink is a (potential) evil or not. I do not.

But there is a difference between driving a car (non-stop concentration) and looking after a grandchild (might need attention at some point). I should never drink whilst driving, but whilst baby-sitting, whyever not?

Having said that, I should be very unlikely to settle down with a glass of wine before my grandchildren were also settled down for the night. I just wouldn't be able to relax enough to enjoy my drink.

The more I think about this, the more I think it not about alcohol, it is about trust. If you trust someone to look after your child, then you trust them enough not to drink to the point where they could no longer be a responsible carer. I would have no problem with having a glass of wine when looking after my grandchildren, my children would think it was entirely normal and if a friend was babysitting they would certainly tell them to help themselves to a glass of wine from the fridge.

What a big fuss to make about one glass of wine. I can see your concern with the problem with your Mum but it would be a different story if she drank the whole bottle. Relax, go out for the evening and trust your MIL. It is not so much the needing a glass of wine, just that some of us enjoy one in the evening without being accused of being an alcoholic. Can anyone tell me how to make the wine glass sign.

if a person, anyone, needed a glass of wine because settling a baby was too hard I would consider that they may have a drink problem - or be heading that way - themselves. How on earth are they going to cope with teething? a 2 year old? a 4 year old who asks all the questions under the sun? a 7 year old who knows EVERY trick in the book to delay bed-time?
No they would fall, for me, in the category of NEVER to be left alone with my child EVER

It's nothing to do with having a 'totally negative experience of alcohol'. I think it's wrong to drink and drive and it's wrong to drink when looking after someone's child...if that makes me intolerant then I'm intolerant. Just because someone 'does you a favour' it doesn't mean they do so by adhering to their own standards and not your own. Perhaps one of the problems arising from grandparents involvement with their grandchildren stems from them not having respect for the wishes of their sons or daughters and thinking they are 'older and wiser' and know better. The views of the childs parents are paramount imo. Having said that, I've mentioned this to several people who totally disagree with me! I never drank when mine were small as my main aim in life was staying awake [had the none sleeping variety of babies].

Well said Jangran

Does one glass of wine really make you so blotto that you couldn't cope with making a decision? If so I, my husband, my daughters and their husbands should never be in charge of a child!

It is one thing agreeing with parental rulings regarding a child's upbringing and behaviour, and quite another agreeing with them regarding your behaviour. Your mother-in-law was doing you a favour, for heaven's sake!

Parents are still parents when they are grandparents, and as such have the right not to be dictated to by their offspring as to whether or not they can exercise their judgement about a glass of wine (or even two).

I don't think that grandparents should be so grateful that they are allowed to have contact with their grandchildren that they should accept that sort of treatment.

Try for tolerance of difference both ways, although I accept that it will be harder if you have had such a negative experience of alcohol.

Thanks ladies, your advice has been very helpful.
grannyactivist - you have a lovely way with words. I mentioned it to DH and he said he would prefer to speak with his mum himself about it. He says he can mention it in conversation without the need to reveal my mum's past just yet. Perhaps in time we will have that conversation,
Many Thanks for all your help. I'll let you know the outcome.

I don't think you have to divulge any sensitive information about 1 person to another at all EVER.
There are so many threads on this forum where everyone has looked back and shuddered at the memory of their mother or mother-in-law saying something along the lines of 'I did it that way' and everyone has agreed that they try not to do it with their own daughters and daughters-in-law. IN PREVIOUS THREADS the concencus has been that it is the parents right to determine what does / does not happen with the children and how they are raised and 'we' accept it without comment. YET now there are very hypocritical opinions on this topic that because you do it it's acceptable.
What's it to be ladies and gents? Time to choose, you can't have it both ways.

As the parent Ben and Jerrys you have every right to just say 'NO'

Heather (Mother and Grandma)

my husband and I enjoy a glass of wine most nights, however when GD comes to stay neither of us drinks alchohol, it was not a conscious decision just an unspoken agreement so that we are both always capable of driving if there is an emergency.i can understand how you are reluctant to discuss your mums past problem with MIL however under the circumstances perhaps you should, when she knows about your understandable sensitivities she will probably be very sympathetic

If you house rule is that at least one adult is alcohol free at all times then you need to communicate this to your MIL along with the ones about babies sleeping on their back etc. This is a very reasonable and sensible rule. There would be a problem if it was OK for you guys to drink but not for grandparents! If you share the information about you childhood with her you will probably become a little closer and it will be easier for her to understand "where you are coming from".
Good luck with the conversation

BenandJerrys; don't think this is anything to do with your mum....if someone looked after my child and drank alcohol I would have been horrified, and I wouldn't dream of drinking alcohol if I'm looking after my grandchildren. On the subject of 'paying' a babysitter, would anyone say to the babysitter, the tea and coffee is in the kitchen..and just help yourself to a glass of wine if you want one? So why should it be acceptable for a babysitting grandmother to have a drink whilst looking after a small baby? What a rotten situation to find yourself in.

In my experience, once we have finally managed to get the little pickle to bed and finally asleep, alcohol is mandatory !!!

hello ben I think your concern is understandable in the circumstances, but as your MIL has no idea of the underlying reason for your concern - and you don't yet feel ready to discuss it - perhaps you could say something along the following lines:
That you appreciate her babysitting and quite understand why she might want to relax with a glass of wine in the evening, but would she mind not doing so if FIL is also drinking, so that in case of emergency one of them is always able to respond to an emergency situation and able to drive.

Oh yes Glass.....I agree...I've not been the best in the past at getting stuff out into the open...moral coward methinks...but this does need talking about, and soon.