Gransnet forums


My daughter in law is inept and useless as a mum.

(140 Posts)
Modesty Fri 03-Jun-11 11:22:35

My son married his wife last year. They have a 15 month old boy. I do not agree with how they are raising him, but I think it is more my daughter in law than my son.

She still breast feeds frequently and in public, she co sleeps and has no routine for his bedtime. She says it is some rubbish called attaching parenting but I think it is nonsense and will just result in a spoilt brat.

I babysat for them last week and put him to bed ( they have a cot in their room which he has never slept in) at 7. He screamed until they got home. In the end I shut the door and left him because he has to learn.

My daughter in law was not happy but I told her that he must have a bedtime routine. She does not work so I suspect this is why he doesn't have one.

What can I do to change her? She plays with him all day, rarely does any housework and is generally not a housewife at all. I worry for my son and grandson.

Notsogrand Fri 03-Jun-11 18:01:01

Anyone else thinking that this has been a Friday afternoon wind-up?

helshea Fri 03-Jun-11 18:27:49

I'm afraid wind up or not, I think that type of attitude from a grandma would be likely to have many parents saying "its my way or the highway".. and no Grandma wants that surely?

helshea Fri 03-Jun-11 18:35:56

Anyway Modesty, if I agreed with you, we would both be wrong.. but congratulations you had me going for a while, I actually thought your post was serious for a nanno second... well done!

Totrirulody Fri 03-Jun-11 18:40:32

Has to be a wind up I can't believe any Gransnetters could have such an attitude.

HildaW Fri 03-Jun-11 19:35:38

Have just read this again...............and I am begining to think that it must be a put up job...I dont want to call it a joke because its not funny. Its a shame, because we are usually all up for a larf on a friday night...but this sort of thing could actually do Gransnet some harm.

Elspeth Fri 03-Jun-11 20:56:07

I read the OP as a "joke", but it's not a particularly funny one. I have learned from Mumsnet that things are often a lot different from back when I was a mum of newborns, but also that there are people who don't realise that guidelines have changed.

But Gransnet doesn't need Modesty's contribution, either as a snark or a silly attempt at "education". I guess most of us are here because we have experience, knowledge, and also the smarts to recognise changes in guidelines. We may be old(ish), but we're not stupid.

gangy5 Fri 03-Jun-11 21:03:55

Most of todays parents don't do things as we would have done them. In my mind they make life much more stressful for themselves with their differing ways!! If they are happy and most importantly of all, their children are happy, we should not concern ourselves. I've learn't to bite my tongue many a time and remain on really good terms with all my family except for one neurotic DIL - no chance of good relations there!

It's good to see an argumentative subject on here - I was beginning to think that gransnet was rather dull.

baggythecrust! Fri 03-Jun-11 21:18:13

Funny how Modesty has modestly withdrawn methinks! Still, some of us have got to know each other a little better and I think everyone has stuck up for the poor DIL. Even if the original post was a spoof, there are people like that but it is refreshing to discover that the vast majority are not.

Divawithattitude Fri 03-Jun-11 23:00:42

Perhaps if was one of those youngsters from Mumsnet winding us up!!

flossie Sat 04-Jun-11 07:52:37

If this is a wind-up - shame on you.

If the baby was left in distress because you felt that he had to 'learn' - shame on you.

lucid Sat 04-Jun-11 10:07:11

Divawithattitude I had exactly the same thought....

glammanana Sat 04-Jun-11 10:47:56

This must be a wind up everything very quiet from OP,if I had
received the comments she has had regarding babysitting and her
DIL I would have had to respond by now,once again shame on you
for allowing a child to continue to cry for such a length of time
I would not be surprised if your DIL did not let you look after the
child again.

riclorian Sat 04-Jun-11 15:45:43

--- and some grandmothers wonder why they don't see their grandchildren !!!!!

joshsnan Sun 05-Jun-11 00:09:12

I could never leave my grandson to cry in that way, I am hoping this is a wind up because it beggars belief...and also compassion for the poor child...shame on you. shock

GrannyTunnocks Sun 05-Jun-11 09:47:07

I agree it must be a wind up. Please come on again modesty and give us an answer. You certainly got us going. Well done.

greenmossgiel Sun 05-Jun-11 10:14:59

I just cannot believe that anyone could bear to leave a 15-month-old to cry like that! The poor little boy must have been terrified. IF this is a 'wind-up' then modesty needs a shake. Perhaps her name tells us something? If she's popped over the fence from Mumsnet to see what reaction she receives, then I suggest she gets a life! And if she's genuine....well....oh! I must not say what I feel I need to!

Annobel Sun 05-Jun-11 10:26:00

Modesty! If you want a good relationship with your grandchild, accept your DIL for what she is - the woman your son chose to be the mother of his children. Doesn't it strike you as significant that he was attracted to someone so diametrically different from you?

Notsogrand Sun 05-Jun-11 11:33:47

If it's a wind up I feel sorry for Modesty that she feels the need to draw attention to herself in such a bizarre way.

If it's not a wind up, then I feel desperately sorry and concerned for her grandchild. I hope for the sake of the child's emotional well-being that Modesty is never again left in sole charge of her grandson, or any future grandchildren.

jackyann Sun 05-Jun-11 11:50:07

I have just wondered whether Modesty is a mum who has had this experience with her mother / mil, and wanted a grans' reaction.
If so, she has it, and knows where she stands.
Modesty, if you can, let us know what you think of the reactions here; if you say no more, we will all think we've been had.

HildaW Sun 05-Jun-11 18:54:51

So if this is just a silly attention seeking post then perhaps, just as one ignores a toddler having a strop.......? wink

nanapippa Sun 05-Jun-11 20:08:06

Wow, I too hope this was a wind up but if it isn't, modesty, you sound like my grandmother and I am 61!! It is 2011 and you need to move with the times. It is not only child care that is done differently. If you think about it, every part of life has changed weather we like it or not. The only way is to embrace change and look at sites like mumsnet or buy a parenting magazine and see the research behind modern parenting methods. My daughter's MIL is always saying things like " that's not how we did it" and making disapproving comments, and I can assure you it is not appreciated. If you want a loving relationship with your grandchild you need to accept modern parenting, and if you are not prepared to do that I feel very sorry for you.

GrannyTunnocks Mon 06-Jun-11 20:14:10

Where are you modesty

granmouse Tue 07-Jun-11 17:26:56

I think Modesty is being 'tongue in cheek'

Leticia Sun 12-Jun-11 09:24:25

I think it is a wind up-she has comeover from MumsNet to get us all agreeing so that she can go back and say that MILs are outdated and intolerant-in which case she must be disappointed!!

Annobel Sun 12-Jun-11 11:03:49

As Modesty has not reappeared, it seems likely that she is an invader from Mumsnet. Should we have immigration control?