Cut out of their lives

Joan that is really good news. I know how heartbreaking family rifts can be,so I'm sure you will be feeling very relieved.

Good news joan

Joan I know just what you mean about suppression of ego. Also agree that mothers are too eager to make themselves responsible for anything which is not perfect about their children. Pleased things are working out for you.

There was another thing too - I have high blood pressure and take tablets, but when I went to the Doc just before this was resolved, it was still high. Yesterday I went back, and it was lower than it has been for ages and ages.

I don't think young adults realise that their parents are not as tough and healthy and strong as they were while bringing them up, and family troubles can really affect our health.

I just hope my mates on here get a good resolution in the end too. I honestly thought mine would go on for years, and we'd miss their April wedding.

Joan I am glad your rift has healed, I am so pleased that my son and my husband are talking now, we have enough to deal with as it is, anyway update on recent happenings.
we had a court hearing yesterday, not that we were told about it, the Social Worker had asked for it as we had notified him of our intention to put in for the SGO, although he neglected to tell us it was happening. I only found out because, a very irate mother of GD came to contact, not very happy about having to go to court Monday, but I never take her word for things - she comes out with a lot of lies and can be very devious. So as soon as she left contact I called the Guardian. She informed me we were in court, and the the SW was supposed to contact us and let us know, he hadn't and he has all our contact numbers, and e mail address.
Anyway, I must say, that as we are doing all the litigation ourselves, all the solicitors were very helpful, and after they had, had their conflab ( not to long this time) they called us into the room, and gave us a resume of their discussions, they were agreed that we would be allowed to go for assesment for the SGO which was a relief, but, and there is always a but! It needed to be done quickly, they said there were two possibilties, We let the social worker do another assesment? or we go for an independent social workers assesment, but this costs, they were willing to share the cost with us, this would leave is with a bill of about £1,000approx.
And afterwards the Mothers BARRISTER no less asked to speak to us. she said if we could an independent one would be better as the SServices, might just underline their predujices - but we have to decide by thursday, as we are back in court - I do feel a little more positve. so lets hope

My goodness Chadsky these people could write a book on how to put you through the mill. How unfeeling not to notify you about the court date - that should certainly be mentioned - it amounts to sabotage. Good luck, whatever you decide.

I have put on the other thread that contact has been (probably temporarily) resumed with my grandson and I am to pick him up on Sunday to take him to the cinema. Hope I get to see him routinely again. He'll be 12 next week. x

Wonderful news-children are not daft-they know who has their interests at heart

Joan - how completely fantastic and now it's all about good things to come. I am so pleased for you. x

Carol - your lovely grandson is getting to be old enough to decide for himself that he wants to see you and there is no doubt which way he'll decide. x

Thanks Nanban. I can't wait to see him as last time I took him to his other grandmother's after school we both said 'see you next Monday' then his mother stopped me collecting him. That was over a month ago. I am thinking about how to explain to him that I didn't mean to break my commitment to see him, without criticising his mother (although it is tempting, I won't). If anyone has any experience of doing this, a suggestion would be much appreciated.

Not an easy situation to say the least. I would guess that your grandson already understands why you didn't collect him. I hope you can manage to avoid criticising the mother for your grandson's sake. We have a situation in our family where my grandson's stepfather really hates grandson's biological father (who my grandson loves and wants to see) and has been fulsome in his expression of this feeling. The awful strain of being in turn with two people who are bitter enemies and trying to stay loyal to both would be immense for an adult but for a child, well it makes me shudder to think how they cope. Not sure how relevant this point is to your situation Carol but I thought I'd mention it.

Thanks petallus. My stance is to try and mediate and diffuse the harmful things that have been said in front of my grandson, either by not speaking about them at all and giving him happy, positive experiences to cushion this difficult time, or by gently reframing things without blaming or criticisng, for example he said he was angry with his daddy 'because he is trying to make us homeless.' Why the blinkin' woman would say that to a child is beyond me, but she did. I explained that mummy and daddy had agreed with the solicitor that the house was too large to maintain and a more suitable house was going to be found for him and his mum, using all the money that came from the sale of their house, and that daddy was not taking one penny from it.

I want him to be sure that I won't let him down, and it may be that it's my feelings that are making it complicated when it doesn't need to be, but I know she does tell lies and may have told him I didn't want to pick him up from school a few weeks ago. However, I don't want him to think I would criticise her by explaining I did want to pick him up, but was stopped. Grrrr! Why do we end up agonising over things that we have had no hand in?

petallus same situation for my son.Grandson's stepfather
(son's friend before divorce!)absolutely hates my son, insults and winds him up whenever possible.
I have heard him say to my son 'I don't care a sh.. what you think'.My son has often said 'He would like me to just disappear'.I think he may be driving the current 'Denied Contact' situation

Carol Glad to hear that there is some positive news for you.-have a wonderful time with your grandson.and many more.

There is such a sense of alienating mothers and stepfathers thinking they can just shake off loving dads and grandparents, as though the children are items of furniture to be replaced by the next one along. We really do have to try many different ways of gaining contact with the grandchildren, and it doesn't surprise me that many grandparents lose heart and give up because they can't keep living with that level of distress.

Carol - if he is 12 he is quite capable of understanding and you could maybe say that he is really important to you and you would never willingly let him down - and would always do your best to keep a promise - but sometimes things happen over which you have no control or choice.

We hear nothing but silence from my son and our little grand-daughter is now 6 months old but we have never seen her. We haven't seen them, heard our son's voice now for 2 years and it gets harder not easier. I am so glad for those of you who have/are resolving your problems and live in hope that one day it will be us.

I doubt if you need any advice from us, Carol. Your instinct will tell you the right things to say and do. My GD's mother always had a very distant relationship with the truth but I never uttered a word of criticism. I just concentrated on creating a really good and trusting relationship with my GD who is now a very well-balanced adult and has no illusions about her mother, though this has never been fostered by me.

Thanks peeps. I have had a couple of wobbles lately, but that's probably because we have had a bereavement and some bad health news in the family that has rocked me sideways, and I've realised that my confidence about resolving things with my grandson before it's too late has been undermined. A few days of normality should put things right. My son has an appointment in grandson's school tomorrow and he wants to make sure that they realise he shares the parenting, even though he is being denied access at present. One or two chickens are coming home to roost - ex-DIL has been phoning and texting my son because she needs him for money and his signature about the house sale, so the balance of power is starting to move away from her, albeit temporarily, but it shows in that she has readily agreed for me to see grandson on Sunday. His birthday is on Tuesday next, so hopefully I will see him a couple of times now, if only to take him his birthday present.

Rose West has been moved to a different prison so her family can visit her. I wish I knew what my daughter thinks I have done that makes me worse than a serial killer.
I had a wobble today - I was playing some tapes and 'Sunrise, Sunset' from Fiddler on the Roof came on. Noel Coward remarked on how potent cheap music can be - and this song really made me sad.

Carol you daughter in law seems to be without any redeeming features whatsoever. Are you sure she is only agreeing that you see your grandson because she needs money and a signature?

I suppose I can see the other side a bit because when we went through an awful divorce with power struggles involving children and so on, it was with my daughter. In may cases it is the woman who is at a disadvantage because the man controls the purse strings.

Petallus she has a track record that enables us to predict how she will behave towards me now. When she has been drinking she is abusive towards me, when she has not been drinking she ignores me, and will not answer messages asking for contact with my grandson. When it is Christmas, birthday, beginning of school holidays, she becomes friendlier then sends lots of textx (60 plus have been saved, many more deleted) telling me she has no money and wants specified amounts - the first couple of times, I took money round and my son paid it back to me, but then we saw on Facebook that she had used the money for partying and alcohol. All this evidence has been given to the court. Now my son is waiting to sign the house and equity over to her, as she has put it up for sale, so if she is cooperative she stands to gain £100,000 towards her next house - she has told my grandson daddy is making them homeless. I have lots of emails from the last year in which she has told me she gathers no moss and prefers we don't have anything to do with her at all. Her older children have no contact with their dad - she treated him the same way, and his parents, whom I met when my son first got together with her. They confided that she was trying to get rid of them and indeed she did. Those children are resentful and think they were just abandoned by people they cared about, because she has admitted in front of me when drinking that was what she told them. I could write 100,000 words in this vein..........

Forgot to add, apart from paying mortgage and supporting my grandson, my son has handed over the whole house and contents, which she has been selling off ready for downsizing from a 5 bed large house with extension to a more manageable size for her and grandson. She has a beauty salon on the first floor, which she has not shown on the sale photos because she has told DWP she has no income and has to finish her fourth year in college - beauty therapy (so she gets benefits she's not entitled to). My son even paid for her last year in college after he had left her. She has never had an official job, but is running a thriving beauty business which she advertises on Facebook. She has moved her boyfriend in after 8 weeks and he takes grandson to school, which she then broadcasts as she knows it hurts my son. She has written in an email to him 'I will take you down, I will screw you into the ground, you will regret ever meeting me.' That's true!

That makes me so angry that Rose West can be moved so that her family can visit her. Those poor murdered girls' families cannot visit them. Ugh - poisonous, foul individual that she is!
Greatnan, you've had a wobble, and no wonder. Music, whatever form it takes, works on our emotions. Although you know your daughter isn't mentally 'well' it doesn't help you to remember, in these wobbly moments, that she dislikes you so much that she does as much as she can to cause you pain and distress. These times pass again, though, and common-sense kicks in again. I hope you'll feel a bit better about things as the day progresses - no doubt you'll be away out walking - a great healer of the spirit.

Rose West has a most bizarre family set-up, especially as some of her children were her victims. I wonder whether that's the extent of the reasons she is being moved? I had a client who was in prison with Rose West, also for murder. She was one of RW's bridesmaids when RW and another female prisoner were allowed to marry. The bridesmaids wore black dresses! The wisdom of the prison governor was questioned, but it seems that prisoners' rights overrode objections about bringing the prison system into disrepute. I wonder whether her move will bring her back in close proximity with her wife? That would make more sense (if you could call it that) than being close to her family on the outside.

Carol I didn't know that Rose West has married in prison. I feel I've just slipped into a bizarre parallel universe!