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Cut out of their lives

(1201 Posts)
Nanban Mon 01-Aug-11 13:54:48

I would like a day ….

I would like a day when waking up isn’t realizing it’s another day I haven’t talked to my son.

I would like a day not waking up to tears.

I would like a day when I’m not missing Harry doing something new.

I would like a purely happy day.

I would like a day when we don’t wonder when it will all end.

I would like a day when we don’t wonder how it will all end.

I would like a day looking forward to seeing my boy, touching him.

I would like a day when his wife calls for a chat.

I would like a day when we share time with Harry in our home.

I would like a day just like every other grandmother.

I would like a day when I don’t miss my son.

I would like a day looking forward to tomorrow.

I would like a day that doesn’t end in tears.

I would like any day but today.

Nanban Wed 17-Jul-13 12:42:04

Hello Faye, long time no speak! I hope life is treating you gently.

Everyone has been so lovely and happy that we may have turned a corner. We have been through some very dark times when we thought all hope gone, and I guess people around us felt the same and had nothing of comfort to offer, but they are all so pleased now it makes us realise how genuine they caring they are.

SJP Wed 17-Jul-13 15:28:57

So pleased for you Nanban. The story here is don't ever give up hope. I took the legal route in the end to ensure certainty for the children. Can't say too much other than it was very successful. Guaranteed minimum contact each school holiday and reconciliation with my son as a result. Not cheap but worth every penny. flowers

Nanban Fri 19-Jul-13 12:39:55

SJP: you are the first - and only - person who has reported a successful legal judgement! Well done you. For all of us going through this awful situation, no matter what route, no matter how it's achieved, we have to try and keep going.

whenim64 Fri 19-Jul-13 13:00:59

Great news SJP smile

Yogagirl Fri 19-Jul-13 22:55:40

Whow!! You don't know how pleased I am to hear you say that SJP, your the first one on here that I've heard say they have been to court and got success, well done smile. Actually their was someone else, I remember them saying their s.i.l wanted a physiological assessment, but I cant remember if there was a happy ending, I think not, which makes me wonder what has happened to some grans on here in desperate situation, they have not been on here for yonks.

I'm back in court in 17 days!!! third time lucky??? Being the only one on here going to court, I have questioned what I am doing, it is an ugly thing to go through, but then if the alternative is not seeing my beloved GC again, do I have a choice? I had such a very strong bond with my darling little Laila, my daughter came back to live with me when she was first pregnant and the father didn't want to know, I went to all the scans, hospital app. etc. I was at her birth and held her in my arms for 6mnths whilst they still lived with me.
I visited twice a week after they moved in with my daughters now husband, my daughter and I spoke every day on the phone and when Laila was big enough she would phone me herself, to talk to her nannie. I was at her brother Jack's birth as well and bonded with him too, all that closeness to nothing, I cant txt, e-mail, phone, or go to their house sad Its like they have all died, yet they live just round the corner!

Maniac Fri 19-Jul-13 22:57:39

SJP So happy for you.Well done!
Any advice you can give me (even in a pm.) would be much appreciated

Maniac Fri 19-Jul-13 22:59:30

SJP So happy for you.Well done!
Any advice you can give me (even in a pm.) would be much appreciated

Yogagirl Fri 19-Jul-13 23:01:10

Sorry that should read; 'psychological'

Aka Sat 20-Jul-13 06:57:51

So pleased for your success SLP and it gives hope to others.
yoagirl I hope this is a good omen for your case flowers

Mamalu Sat 20-Jul-13 15:59:37

Your success gives me hope, SJP. My son is going through the court process to see his little girl, and then I shall be able to see my darling GD if all goes well. I miss her so much, and having been denied contact of any kind for some time now is heart breaking. I don't feel so alone now having read the posts on this forum, thank you all. sad

whenim64 Sat 20-Jul-13 16:27:36

That happened with me, Mamalu. My son was denied contact with my grandson. It was the most dismal time, and seemed to go on for months, but we got there in the end and now we're confident that he'll vote with his feet if attempts are made to alienate him again. I won't repeat the story here - it's there on the Denied Contact thread (and here under the username Carol).

All is back to normal now. He's a truculent teenager who is always bored and has learned to challenge adults about every single word they say, but he's secure and we see him very week. My son's ex-wife is still a complete pain and impossible to deal with, but she can't press our buttons any more. We stood our ground with her since the divorce and she has found other fish to fry, but we will never forget how distressed we were to be kept apart from my grandson.

SJP Sat 20-Jul-13 19:40:38

My advice to all those going through the legal process is be prepared and be reasonable. Get those who count on side - in my case it was the local authority from the start and then the children's guardian and finally the judge. Hard as it may seem - try to put emotion to one side as it clears the thinking. Go soft on the people but hard on the task. Always, always put the children first, it is not about you, but about them and what you can bring to their lives. Don't bang on about your rights - you have none - but they do have the right to enjoy family life. Be factual, not emotional and don't make any statements you cannot substantiate with evidence. Try to see things from Mum's view (even if you can't stand her) and make sure that in any statements you make you acknowledge her views even if you do not agree with them. Keep all emails and records of contact with your grandchildren. I was able to build a contact records from my entries on Facebook ( I talk about my grandchildren a lot). Take screen shots of the pages and have ready if the level of contact is contested. Also cross reference with photographs. Keep calm - listen to your solicitor's advice and be prepared to negotiate. Take into account direct and indirect contact (e.g letters postcards birthday cards etc). You can go to court in person but you need confidence to do that. I think I could but it took one session to understand how it works. The deals are really done in the corridors and network like mad when you are there so you can gauge the support. Above all don't give up. Happy to talk to anyone in a pm if you like.

Aka Sat 20-Jul-13 22:36:38

Good, sound advice SJP

cornishsue Sun 21-Jul-13 12:40:43

Some of your stories about being denied contact with your grandchildren are heart breaking. I am so very sorry. I sincerely hope that you all are reunited soon.

I wondered though if you could give me some thoughts on this situation:

I am lucky enough to have frequent contact with my beautiful grandchildren. I collect my two DGDs from school frequently and look after the little one twice a week. We have a lovely relationship with my DD and SIL and have many happy days out, and holidays, together. The DGD often stay for the weekend.

However, my SIL is estranged from his own mother and she has never seen the grandchildren. This happened long before we knew him and so my DD has not met her MIL either. Recently however my DD's MIL has been trying to build bridges and wants desperately to meet the grandchildren. My DD and I cannot help but feel sad and sorry for her and can only imagine the pain she is going through (though admittedly we do know the full story of what my SIL's relationship was with his mother, in order for him to not want her in his life). You, of course CAN imagine the pain of longing to see a grandchild. She has contacted both of us and my SIL is aware of this, but insists she will never see his children. We are respecting his opinion, but our heart breaks for her.

Can anyone offer their thoughts? Thank you.

janeainsworth Mon 22-Jul-13 09:36:46

sue I hesitate to step in here, having no personal experience of the tragic situations so many GNers are in, but I cannot help feeling that it is wrong of your SiLs mother, no matter how desperate she feels, to put you and your daughter in such a very difficult situation. Perhaps it gives you some clue as to why her son is no longer in contact with her.
You cannot jeopardise your own trusting relationship with your DD and SiL, and you would be breaking that trust if you introduced the DGCs to her.
By all means suggest ways that she could repair the relationship, possibly through mediation, but you must not be directly involved yourself, and don't allow her to manipulate you.

whenim64 Mon 22-Jul-13 10:14:44

sue if they have brought children into the world, they will once again have thought about this issue of contact with the grandmother, especially when they can see the benefits of the children's contact with you. Indeed, the quality of your grandparenting might throw her qualities as a mother into relief and make him even more determined.

If he's a generally ok person in other respects, perhaps he isn't being unreasonable and may be feeling protective towards his children because he has experienced treatment at her hands that has harmed him. If this is something that can be repaired, they would need to settle their differences first.

It's terrible when children are alienated from their loving grandparents with no good reason, and a responsible thing to do when there is a good reason. The children will want to know why at some point. I hope they will be able to explain things on their level, as they have a right to know.

cornishsue Mon 22-Jul-13 10:56:36

Thank you both.

Your comment about her being wrong to put us in this position was exactly what my SIL said, and has actually strengthened his resolve for no contact with his mother. He thinks she is trying to manipulate us.

It's just after reading your sad posts, while my grandchildren were playing, made me feel so sorry. Yes, he is one of the most reasonable/logical/sensible/compassionate people I know, in every other respect. I should trust him, and I do. It's sad, but yes I would never break the trust or jeopardise the good relationship we all have.

I take your point about the children needing to know at some point. But for now they have two sets of grandparents (his DF/SM too) who adore them.

Life can be so sad, but life can be so wonderful too. And I am lucky, very lucky.

Thank you again.

Gorki Mon 22-Jul-13 12:42:25

My SiL has cut off contact with his mother and stepfather for a variety of reasons one of which was they put him into care as a child and he was brought up in a children's home. He says they have not earned the right to be called grandparents as unlike your situation cornishsue they don't make much effort to keep in contact themselves and certainly don't ask to see the grandchildren but they do occasionally send presents which are returned to them .I sometimes feel sad for them but I would not interfere if they did approach me which they haven't. My husband says it is their loss not seeing the grandchildren but I feel it is the children's loss as well not having 2 sets of grandparents. They only have 2 cousins too so their extended family is very small.

Yogagirl Mon 22-Jul-13 17:09:07

Thank you again SJP for your advise. I'm fearful now, as I have had no contact with my beloved GC for 9mnths (time it goes to court again), so this will go against me! yet its not my fault I haven't seen them, I want to see them, phone them, visit them, but I'm being stopped by my s.i.l, so that going against me is not fair is it?

Sue I feel very sorry for your D. m.i.l, she may be like me, have done and said absolute nothing wrong, my s.i.l. tells lies about me, has even said I tried to kidnap my little Laila, which just never happened! The only thing you can do is speak with your s.i.l (or let your D) and see if he will let his mother see her GC, without him being involved.

Gorki your story is a bit different, and if your s.i.l. was put in a childrens home and left there to grow up without his mum, then that is not nice of his mum, so I can understand his feelings there.

Gorki Mon 22-Jul-13 17:33:18

Yogagirl I feel so much for you when you desperately want to see your GC. It really bugs me when I think of my grandchildren's other grandparents and how they can't be bothered to keep in touch and I compare them with all you lovely GPs on GN who would give anything to see your grandchildren. Life isn't fair but try to stay positive and active and your day will surely

Maniac Mon 22-Jul-13 20:10:32

Yogagirl My ex DIL also said in her court statement that I had attempted abduction of my GS as he passed near my house on his way to school How ridiculous is that.He is almost as big as me!
I am also accused of harassment by sending too many cards and of stalking him -I did once try to hand a card to him in person as I was told that letters and cards would not be given to him.Phone calls and emails are blocked.
All this is after 10 years of happy relationship with him.
So please don't anyone else suggest that I send him a card/letter telling him how much I love him
Of course I still love him. I can only light a candle and send virtual love and hugs.
Best wishes to you in your next court appearance.It is such a hard uphill struggle
Love flowers

Otw10413 Fri 26-Jul-13 08:06:07

Dear maniac and all of you,
When I visit this site it strengthens my resolve to love ; so much strength here, so much patience, so much caring . We cannot stop loving but we have to live our lives as examples for those that follow us . All of you here clearly suffer the pain of day to day loss but your lives are richer for the love you clearly share ; I am lucky today but I will never be able to take the contact for granted because it can never be in my control. I see photos of my beautiful daughter and she e-mails me pics of my GD and her home and I am trying to learn to be happy with what I have . You all strengthen that resolve .
Thank you and good luck managing your loss today and every day .

Nanban Sat 27-Jul-13 16:59:02

I want to say that just over the last 3 weeks, life that seemed pointless and impossibly sad has turned around so completely. We have seen our lovely grandson, and his little sister for the first time. We tread very gently but cannot help but have hopes for the future. It is very, very early days but ...

When people out of kindness said that nothing is for ever, I clung to that whilst having no real prospect, or hope. And, it was true. To you all who stand in our shoes, it isn't just a platitude, and how I hope it will happen for you.

I think of you all every day, but as it turns out, good things do happen and they must. xxxx

whenim64 Sat 27-Jul-13 17:13:43

Hear, Hear, Nanban flowers

Gorki Sat 27-Jul-13 20:47:44

I'm really pleased things are looking more positive for you Nanban.It must have been lovely for you to see your little grandson and his sister. I hope things remain goodflowers.

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