Cut out of their lives

Hi grannisu - your story is almost identical to mine, and if you trawl back through these threads (see also 'denied contact'), you will see how things have progressed. We've had a year of hell and just this last few days we have been seeing quite a bit of my grandson at last - he is now 12.

Keep trying, especially with the contact order - that will bring your son the contact he needs. Things can improve and the key is not to give up. See if you can develop a relationship with her independently of your son (it takes a great deal of gritting of teeth, believe me) and offer to babysit, send small gifts, ask her to come and have a coffee. Hopefully, when she sees she cannot shake you all off, she will run out of steam.

Once the child gets into school, your son will have an avenue independent of her, but meanwhile he needs to keep up the momentum, see the child in somewhere like a contact centre or a place she will agree to, and have the whole family behind him - the child is entitled to have grandparents and a loving dad. Keep posting - there's lots of support on here [flowers)

We were in your situation about 5 years ago, my son had to go through a contact centre to see his D & S as his ex was using them as weapons & none of us were allowed contact we were all heartbroken. Glad to say he just kept his mouth shut and went along to contact centre until it was obvious to all involved that he was a good loving dad who worshipped his kids. She soon got fed up of taking them to centre and allowed him to pick them up from her but only when it suited. Now they are 12 & 10 and have their say if she tries to stop contact, D told him that she would never let her mum stop her seeing him. He is so close to them and sees them twice a week and has them to stay every other weekend and in school holidays. So hang in there because it will all come right in the end.

I am new to all this but I want to share that I have not seen my grandson aged 2 since Xmas Day and my son has not seen his son since 2nd Jan. All this is because my DIL refuses to allow contact, In desperation my son has applied for a contact order and he is due to go to court in a couple of weeks. They seperated in Sept after a short marriage basically due to her unbalanced behaviour and incredible cruelty towards my son. At first my son did have contact but as the divorce proceeding progressed the contact became irregular and unpredictable until in Jan it stopped altogether, He has tried contacting her parents and mutual friends to try and get access to his son to no avail. We are heartbroken for him. She is using her son as a weapon in her war against my son and that cannot be right. She clearly does not have the childs best interests at heart and presumably wants to control him entirely. I am stunned that an intelliegent girl who comes from a good home and on the face of it a "normal family" can turn out to be such a monster. I can only hope that my son gets some sort of contact with his son once the contact order is dealt with at court but I worry because I feel that fathers get a rough deal in all this. Thanks for listening it helps a lot to share. We are trying to keep strong through all this. I never thought i would ever be in this situation.

Carol keep posting .We are so happy to hear your ongoing good news .It does indeed give hope to those of us still grieving.Miracles do happen.
Love the story of the father/son shopping experience.

Carol It has been a rocky road for you all but hopefully will be smoother now [thanks]

carol he is showing to his son who the bigger person is and good for him!!

I hope she has realised how unreasonable she has been and not just a front to get her hands on everything

Oh Carol that is great for you all, I'm so pleased

I can't believe what I'm hearing at the moment. My ex-DIL, who has been hell bent on revenge at any cost, has given me a lovely school photo of grandson, mounted. My son took grandson home yesterday and she asked him to come in the house to discuss a mistake she had made on a document she was signing for the handover of all equity in the house to her, which my son will sign in her solicitor's office. He helped her with it, she thanked him, and when describing this event, he said 'I think I might need to help her out while she gets the house sold.' This, after the way she has treated him this last year.

Anyway, whatever she makes of him putting aside her behaviour towards him, this will give him more access to grandson and create opportunities for her to behave properly in front of her child - perhaps even heal this rift sufficiently to enable them to have a constructive relationship whilst their son grows up.

Part of me thinks she must have had a frontal lobotomy, for her to be able to behave like this, or perhaps she has at last run out of steam? Whatever it is, we will make the most of it and hope she doesn't resume hostilities too soon.

Great stuff, Carol! So many positive things are happening now and they will surely keep going that way. Bridges seem to have been built at last.

Carol, that sounds like a great father-son relationship resumed. Mind you, I remember some strange results when my ex took my two clothes shopping...

Completely normal - and how lovely that sounds!

Thanks Ariadne I keep posting about the progress we have been making in getting to see my grandson because I know if I had seen such postings when I was in the depths of despair, reading these words would have given me hope. Unless you have been in this position, and yearned for just a glimpse of your beloved absent grandchild, it is so hard to describe what a painful, distressing experience it can be. Each time I see him now, I am so thankful that we have been able to get this far, but also sad and angry that we all had to go through this so unnecessarily.

My son took him clothes shopping yesterday, and I smiled inwardly as he described a normal shopping experience with a 12 year old who doesn't want to try on clothes, and doesn't like any colour except grey! At one point, my son said 'yes, you will be wearing it - these are lovely clothes and I'm your dad, so let's have no more of this and we'll go and get something to eat before I take you back home.' Grandson had been having a little strop (can't blame him, really) but fell into line when his dad asserted what was happening. A little boy testing boundaries like kids do with their mums and dads! How lovely to be able to do that after what he has been through this last year!

Oh, my friends, what hard things you are having to deal with. carol chadsky there do seem to be some rays of hope, and I hope things continue to progress for you. A little peace would be so good.

nanban I can't believe the baby is now six months old! And I can, as I've said before, only imagine how you must be feeling. As ever ((hug))

Carol what a difference a few weeks can make; your situation now is so much more hopeful. It's lovely to hear that you've had an opportunity to talk frankly (and appropriately) to your grandson. You must be feeling really encouraged by his response too - so happy for you.

...and thanks to you, too Faye x

Thanks seven. I forgot to add that we have been able to tell my grandson that we have been trying really hard to get to see him. He said he had read all our texts and letters, and enjoyed the books I had been sending him. He has started leaving the mobile on that his dad bought him - ex-DIL changed the Sim card in it at one point, to stop us contacting him, but she replaced it with a Sim my son had left behind in a phone she hid from him, and when he tried the number he realised that his son had it! He obviously feels more confident now as he leaves his phone switched on in case his dad texts - he would have been worried about her disapproval previously, but he's asserting himself. We also assured him that, if anyone tried to spoil our arrangements to see him in future, we would always be trying and he would always know where we were as he grows up.

We don't give information that isn't age appropriate, but it does feel now like we have got a better footing on which to keep contact with him.

Carol and Chadsky nothing stays the same and it sounds like events for you both are now on a more positive note. [thanks]

Great to hear such good news from you both Carol and Chadsky! I'm sure all your consistent efforts and determination will pay off and the children will benefit from your persistence

Hi chadsky. Great news that your independent assessment is going ahead and you will become more involved. Fighting for what is right does seem to be noticed, and you have come a long way now. I hope the momentum keeps going in your favour.

Yes, I took my grandson to the cinema to see The Muppets on Sunday, then saw him yesterday for an hour, when my son picked him up from school on his birthday, and brought him to my daughter's house nearby to meet his twin cousins, who he had not met until yesterday - they are now 4.1/2 months old and live a mile away from him, but you know the story about us all being denied contact till this last week. We had a lovely time together, then my son took him home, and arranged to take him out clothes shopping after school today.

It's been fabulous seeing him, and he says he wants to see all his family, which his mother seems to be complying with at the moment. Access to him through the school seems to have turned things around - she couldn't be difficult in front of the head and his form tutor, otherwise they would have pounced on her hostility as being behind grandson's recent problems with doing his homework and skipping lessons. They have another meeting next week, so for the moment we are assured of ongoing contact, and grandson is showing that this is what is in his best interests.

carol hope your contact with your grandson went without a hitch, and that you enjoyed yourself - we all have wobbles I know we have had loads these past months, and i feel there still may be some ahead - but i will keep fighting until the last chance is gone, and not before - We went back to court on the Thursday - and we are now at least party to the proceedings - and we are going to have an independent assesment, so we hope this time to put a more positive light on my husbands skills.

I have put on the parents night thread that contact with my grandson has been resumed today, after a successful visit to school by my son, at his request. Lots resolved in meeting with teacher and head of year, ex-DIL silenced in the meeting, rather than be shamed for all the lies she had been telling my son about how psychologically damaged grandson has been because of his dad leaving the family home (she conveniently forgets her years of abuse). Psychologist not being brought in at all - teacher simply wrote to ask if parents would mind if the psychologist had a look at his school reports when she next called in as routine, in case she had something constructive to offer because grandson avoiding homework.

My son drove grandson and ex-DIL home, arranged with his son to see pick him up from school on Monday, see him on his birthday (Tuesday), then take him clothes shopping on Wednesday after school, just the two of them. Lots of input from grandson with suggestions about what he and daddy could do together. We are all thrilled to bits!

Greatnan, your NZ daughter is right.
I know it isn't my business, but when did that ever stop any of us on GN? You are torturing yourself unnecessarily, because it seems to me that the situation has long ago passed out of your control. You, like so many of us, aren't used to being in that position. Many of us have had careers in which we were able to make decisions and have them carried out. Losing that can be one of the hardest things about being retired and it's even harder when our families go their own way with or without our approval. You still have a loving daughter and her children in which you are more fortunate than some.
You won't feel any peace until you let go.

Thank you, greenmossgirl - you are right , I have had a two hour walk in bright sunshine and I feel much better. I wish I could stop composing letters in my head, or else just write one and send it. My other daughter has just written off her sister - she has also done a great deal for the family and been demonised. She thinks if I wrote it would be taken as an admission of guilt.
It is terrible when anyone stops you contacting your granchildren, but I think I would feel lesss hurt if my accuser was my DIL and not my own daughter - but of course the pain of missing the grandchildren would be as great.

I've just picked up on the RW horror movie! People who go to prison surely the point is that they don't have the rights of people who manage to stay out of prison - outrageous, sick blah blah BUT at the very least the civil ceremony - why do people insist on calling it a marriage - should not have been accompanied by all the nice razamatazz that it was - who paid for that anycase!
Ugh. The world has gone completely mad.

You'd be surprised how many weddings take place in prison - they have regular access to the chaplains and not much else to do! I remember turning up at a prison in Portsmouth to see a lifer, and had to step out of the way in the reception area, as a retinue of bride and tiny bridesmaid trooped in with bright red dresses, lots of curly hair and tiaras, and a flower shop van drove up to the gate, bringing bouquet, vases of flowers, buttonholes and a three-tier wedding cake!!