Cut out of their lives

The sun has got his hat on...hip hip hip hooray

All of you have spoken such sense. Our adult children (including our adult grandchildren), can withdraw like snails into their shells when inquisitive and veiled questions are asked about their lives. I've realised that I've tried to disguise these queries into everyday 'gossip', but my family aren't stupid, and I wonder if because of my behaviour, I may sometimes not be all that welcome a visitor ! My son has told me that it's annoying to be asked if he's 'alright'. He says his sister doesn't like to be asked that either, and I shouldn't ask her. They've both had difficulties and I suppose I ask this because I want to make sure that they ARE alright! In being like I am, I'm making them feel as if they are responsible for my own peace of mind, perhaps.

green A virtual arm around your shoulder. You are a lovely lady

soop Hope you have a lovely chat about this and that....

Thanks soop - and I hope you have a fine blether with your son! 'This and that' it may just be, but it will warm your heart no end! xx

green someone is being a little over-sensitive and I'm not so sure it's you!

What's wrong with asking your children if they're alright? If it's annoying for your children, you could ask them what they would prefer. It's a courtesy to ask 'how are you' when we meet people or they phone, and asking family if they're alright isn't intrusive - your son is probably still living down his behaviour last year, and reading more into your enquiries than you intend. But you don't have to defend asking if he's alright.

soop is right - you do consistently come across as a lovely lady with a great deal of warmth.

I didn't ask my daughter if she was 'alright' the other day and ended up with a torrent of abuse, accusations of not caring and left the house not understanding what I had done wrong. We just can't get it right, can we? I can't remember the last time either of my kids asked me if I was alright .

green, your family are lucky to have you and I hope that they appreciate you. My DS2 has just rung me for a quick chat, while waiting in the car outside a shop for his partner and their DS1. It's nice that they think of their old mum at odd moments like that.

PS. I detect a subtle difference between 'Are you all right?' and 'How are you?'. The former implies that there might be something wrong - the latter is a more neutral and conventional inquiry, leaving it up to the other to enlarge on his or her circumstances if they so wish.

I think 'are you alright' is common amongst younger people these days, and we seem to use it a lot in my circle. Either that, or 'how are you doing?' and 'you ok?' Yes, there is a subtle difference Annobel but I haven't connected it with implying something might be wrong until now. I guess if a person is a bit sensitive about being asked anything they don't want to talk about, any of those questions might feel too much

Could it be that they react badly because they are not alright and you asking hits the spot! Is there anything they say that irritates you? Perhaps it's time for an exchange of 'things that irritate' and I rather hope it ends in an appreciation of how daft it is.

Whenim 64 - to hell with politically correct, she sounds like a complete nutter! And what a star you must be in dealing with it all. And quite right, I would never have thought there was any situation that couldn't be solved by talking it through, but now, of course, realise that there are some personalities that nothing and nobody can deal with in any 'normal' reasonable way!

I found it very irritating when my mother kept on asking questions about things I had told her repeatedly that I didn't want to talk about with her. Perhaps I should have added that the reason I didn't want to talk about them was that it was none of her business, as she would have said if I had asked her similar things . In the end it was that lack of respect for my privacy that made me move away, figuratively speaking. I will be seeing her in July with the rest of the family so it's not that we're not in touch, but it's jolly difficult when you feel you have to be on the defensive all the time against intrusive remarks and questions.

which is not to say that there's anything wrong with asking "are you allright?" Different situation.

I try to do a bright "How're you doing?" when I see them. I'm careful not to ask, "Is everything ok?" because that may appear to be probing and prying! We really walk on eggshells at times, don't we?
crimson, I can identify with your post! Before my daughter really fell out with me (in fact, she estranged herself for 7 years, before eventually things seemed to heal themselves when her own grandson was born), she accused me of never going to see her. I'd found this hard to do, as I didn't always feel welcome. Then she told me to stay away from her house and never to phone or text her again. That's resolved now, but I still feel that the relationship's quite fragile. I've said it before and I'll say it again......'A mother's place is in the wrong.'! Like you, crimson, I can't remember when anyone asked me if I was ok, either!
Thank you for your lovely supportive posts.

Green . Soop and Whenim - you are right Green is a luvverly lady

I think you are all lovely, and strong, and brave. It's good to hear you.

Ariadne - ! And Gally - you're a blether! !

A what?

A 'blether', jeni! Er, it's um...a person who talks nonsense in the nicest possible way!

Oh! Understand![crescent moon]

'O' a full moon!

Thanks Bags for your insight into the other side which is quite thought provoking. My philosophy in bringing up my children was to prepare them for independence and to be self reliant so perhaps I shouldn't protest too much now. They have in fact managed quite adequately without too much 'mothering' for the past 15 years. Building relationships with adult children is difficult, my daughter and I have a similar sense of humour, outlook on life and similar interests so there is always something to talk and joke about. She is open with her feelings and if there are problems to discuss we can discuss them in an adult way. She will ask for advice and take it when offered. We enjoy each other company. My son and I also share a similar sense of humour and some interests, but he is more of a closed book where personal things are concerned and things were definitely on a 'need to know' basis. He has become more guarded in the past 4 years and the tensions in his house when visiting him and his family were mainly due to me having to adopt unnatural behaviour and having to 'walk on eggshells" around my son's partner in case I said or did the wrong thing and her not really welcoming my visits. I always felt there was a row before I arrived and one after I left, so I kept my visits short so as not to overstay my welcome and kept things on a neutral footing. However I regret not getting to the bottom of why my son's partner does not like me earlier as if there is something I doing wrong I would at least have an opportunity to change my behaviours. If I ask my son about it he says he doesn't know what the problem us which is unhelpful. We now have a really serious family crisis involving my son's children, which we have all found difficult to deal with and this has really rocked my mothering compass. I have tried to be supportive but there is limitations in the support I can provide. My son's partner has made it quite clear to me via Facebook and verbally that she feels unsupported by me and given the poor relationship we had prior to this crisis I cannot see a way forward if and when it is ever resolved. At the moment I am giving him some space and see if the dust will settle and whether we can pick up the pieces afterwards.

I have been 'relieved' of my child minding duties and still don't know what I have said or done that is wrong. After over thirty years of always putting my children and grandchildren first I seem to have become the wicked witch of the east [midlands, that is]. In a state of shock and turmoil at the moment. At least I now have a greater understanding of this thread and how people feel that have written on it. The eggshells have definately been broken in my case . Very confused.

SJP - you did the best you could at the time but it sounds as if the care you took not to be over-pushy with your DiL is being construed as under-supportive - damned if you do and damned if you don't. My feeling is that some people need a target to lump all of their anger [not quite the right word] on and how sad is it that mothers-in-law are the most vulnerable, obvious people.

As for communication differences between sons and daughters - absolutely. Daughters share - just as girlfriends do - sons guard. If you get a group of men together their conversation is wildly different to a group of women - mine own thoroughly enjoys being an honorary woman when allowed because he says it's much more fun!

I am so sorry for your troubles and when things settle down I hope the hurt settles too.

crimson I'm so sorry you are having a bad time, but please don't start thinking it's something you have said or done. You need to know more first, as it may be that something more convenient to their lifestyle has presented itself, or some other reason. I remember my mum wondering what she had done when my sister arranged for my nephew to go to her friend three times a week, and it was a reciprocal arrangement they had organised between them because my sister didn't want my mum to overdo things as she had rheumatoid arthritis. My mum still did babysit and have leisure time with her grandson, but there wasn't the same pressure on her. Could it be that sort of reason, do you think? Take care