Cut out of their lives

Nanban, your heartfelt words brought tears to my eyes.. My heart goes out to you...I don't see my son or grandson because of the distance in miles they live in Austalia..If I don't hear for more than a week I feel bereft..I am so sorry you are going through so much pain...nothing I can say will change that but I hope you can take comfort that there are people who understand how you feel...I remember my late mother-in-law (a wonderful lady) saying to me when my son was first born ' they break your arms when they are babies and break your heart when they grow up' at the time I didn't understand what she meant but I sure understand now...

I truly hope a solution is found soon and you are no longer have to go through this...

Lovely, comforting words - you encapsulate what Grannies are all about and I thank you for it.

It is hard to be separated by distance and to know that your family and grandchildren are growing up so far away, but hear close is precious and who knows what your future may bring.

celeb I hope you don't mind me 'going public' here, but a while back you said you'd started a facebook page for your grandchildren to read in the future. I'd like to do a similar thing for the two grandchildren I've never met, but I'm so pig-ignorant about facebook that I'm not sure how to go about it - could you PM to fill me in?

Hello Goose - I've been away and only just seen your message which maybe others have answered for you. If not, google up Facebook and just follow their very simple instructions to start up your page. If you use your real name [not everyone does] and include your grandchildren's names in family profile - and you can even put a pic of you that your grandchildren might recognise - and there you will be. You can follow the instructions to block anyone but your grandchildren being able to read your messages, and in fact write just 'to' them so that should they find you they will be able to see what has happened over time and how much you have been thinking of them. Good luck. x

Nanban, I was thinking of you only yesterday. How are you?

Hello Marelli! How nice of you - I wish I could say life has changed but, no. We did have some very tentative contact from September to March, and truly thought, this time we might get somewhere. But true to form our son has gone back to non-responding mode. We have just returned after a spell away but coming home is like donning the mantle of sadness and there doesn't seem to be any way out.

However, getting stuck back into village life where people are lovely and our younger son is coming on a visit so not all gloom. AND the sun shines which has got to be good for everyone's spirits! xx

I should add - that we have come to the realisation - how long has that taken [!] that our d-in-l is determined not to clutter up their lives with unwanted grandparents and the closer we come to a resolution with our son, the angrier and more determined it makes her. Also, I have made some true friends on Gransnet who suffer similarly and there is no reasoning, no logic, nothing to work with - there are simply some personalities that must control at any cost.

So, if anyone out there has the magic formula .....

Nanban, just ordinary day-to-day village life helps to put things into perspective a bit, doesn't it? It must have been disappointing when the tentative contact with your elder son drifted away again, but at least there has been that contact, and hopefully it'll begin again before too long.
Enjoy the time with your younger lad (and the sunshine) - it certainly does lift the spirits!

nanban sorry but don't hope for the magic formula, it doesn't exist! Some women are so controlling that they refuse to share their husbands even though, if they just thought about it, their lives would be so much fuller if they did. I always thought it was supposed to be the chap's mother who was jealous but, since joining GN, it is clear to me that it is often the DiL. Most of us have led full lives and have a great deal to contribute to our children's families if they would only let us. I just wish my children had had lovely grandparents to play with them and talk to them as they were growing up.

Nanban Good to hear from you again.I've updated my facebook but still find it all totally bewildering. Started a blog with family news which hopefully GS may read sometime.So sorry to hear of your frustration with son contact.As you say 'no reason,no logic,nothing to work with'
I try to appreciate the good things in life (includes GN) but occasionally get a body blow.It's so hard when GS lives so near and 'allegedly' doesn't wish to have contact with me.
On Sunday watching 'Ice Age 2' I recalled when I cared for GS for a whole weekend during which we watched 'Ice Age' three times! At least I have 10 years of happy memories.

This is the only 'place' where people truly empathise and that relaxes the soul. All our problems are different in ways but the hurt and upset are the same. Children should come with a 'break your heart' health warning tattooed on - now there's a thought!

Maniac - it doesn't matter if your Facebook page isn't perfect in every degree, the important thing is that it's there to be found and the little things you write pass out of memory so easily unless written down.

Love and thank you's to the lot of you! x

My son got back in touch after 15 years 'absence' I got to meet my gorgeous new daughter in law and even more gorgeous grandaughter.
All went well for a year - I admit to going a little OTT for christmas and birthdays and all was well. Then a year or so back they disappeared again. No response to email, text or letters or birthday cards. I am assuming that 'call screening' is operating on their phone.
There's nowt so queer as folk :-(

Reading these sad posts makes me count my blessings.

Such sad stories and I send my love to you all and hope that in time your situations will improve. I am eternally grateful for the relationship I have with my own family and will cherish that even more.

Hi Biker, Oddly enough our son's most treasured possession/favoured occupation is his bike - the pedal variety. Have you no idea where they went or why? It may very well be that, having returned once, he won't leave it so long this time around. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for better.

Finally! I've read the whole page!! Its taken me a few weeks but I'm finally at the end
My story is on the 'Denied contact' link. I'm going to court for the third time to get visitation rights to see my precious gc. I haven't seen them for 8mnths, it seems like forever! I have also not seen my baby daughter for the same time. This is all down to my s.i.l spiteful jealousy and paranoia due to his drug taking, my daughter and I had had not one bad word, nor had I with him.
One minute I hate my daughter for being so cruel and the next I feel deeply sorry for her, being brain-washed by her nasty cruel husband.
I was at both my gc births, the first gc lived with me for 6mnths with my daughter, until they moved in with her now husband, he is not my first gc father. I had no idea he had a problem with me until the 'brick wall' was built up to separate us all. My heart is broken and if it is allowed to heal in the future, it will certainly heal with a massive big scare.
Shame the two pages are not together, as they are about exactly the same thing!

Goodness me. This is so sad.

Yogogirl - Yoiks you have even used the 'brainwashed' word! A friend tried talking to our son and used that too - when you live with someone and are surrounded 24/7 by their 'personality' that is what must happen - I know that we and our lives have changed out of all recognition because of what has happened. Heartbroken - there should be a word that has more impact. There are very extreme personalities that make the news because of some dreadful deed or another and we cannot comprehend how they have passed without notice amongst us - less extreme but just as dangerous and destructive are those slightly less extreme who come into our lives and, because it is out of most people's experience, we who suffer them are very isolated.

And it is because we have gravitated to Gransnet that we hear each other's stories and can empathise because we stand in the same awful, dark, place.

Hello all
Nanban your story and all the others brought tears to my eyes, so like my story. Your poem at the beginning Nanban was very moving!
Yes Nanban this nightmare situation has not only broken my heart, irreparably, but also pierced my soul, I'm sure I'm going to get some deadly disease with all this insurmountable stress!

Like you Nanban I thought there might be a little glimmer of hope through my other nice daughter (who was also pushed out in Jan.) but seems it was just a ploy for the court case, my nice daughter has now told them where to go in no uncertain terms! she's just had enough of it all. I said to her that "being nice and going on our knees hasn't got us anywhere, so perhaps your kick up the backside will!"

Yes Nanban my daughter has been brainwashed against,almost, her whole birth family and we will not get her back until she is no-longer with her cruel and spiteful husband. Narcissist (that is my s.i.l) also pick a family member, my son, put them up on a pedestal making them their allie against their enemy, me, so I've lost my son as well, my son and I had never fallen out before, never a cross word between us, so be thankfully Nanban that you still have your youngest son! Thank God my eldest daughter didn't full for it. So I must continue with the court case to see my precious gc.

Dear Purdy I am so sorry to hear what you are saying. A few weeks ago I was grieving because I thought I wasn't going to see my granddaughters this year and it felt terrible. It is so hard being a gran and not seeing the children especially if they are a long way a way too.

I remember a long time ago someone told me after I had been arguing with my daughter about something, that I was very afraid of her walking out of my life. They said that how could she walk away you are her mother and you must go after her. Don't let someone you love walk out on you, chase after them and tell them they are not allowed to do it.
It might sound a bit far fetched but it has worked for me.
No matter how difficult things get between us I am determined she will not be allowed to just go off.
once she hung up on me I phone her back and told her off.
We must not let our children grown up or not, run rings around us.
Lets stand together as grandparents on parents and make sure our children learn some respect.
WEll that's my motivational speech done. I just hope I can keep it up

Juneh if only we knew where they were we would take your advice. We have only one means of communication which we think still operates, email and we get no response.

We have truly tried everything however which way we could. If only giving up were an option, living our lives etc as oh so many people who do not stand in our shoes suggest - but those of you that do know it is humanly impossible. We must keep trying.

Yogagirl - how do you go about organising a court hearing? And when is yours? How wonderful if it resolves the contact for you.

Hello Juneh
I like most grans on here have tried everything in the book to keep our daughters/sons and grandchildren, but it seems it is not them but their spouses jealousy that keeps us apart. I would do and say absolutely anything to get my baby daughter back and my precious gc. but my s.i.l is having none of it! I have been threatened with an 'Harassment order' if I try to contact my daughter or gc again, and I know some grandparents that have ended up in jail for not heeding the warning.

Nanban you can go on line and download the forms from the 'Family courts'
Fill them in send them back with the fees and a statement saying why you are requesting a 'visitation order to see your grandchildren'. You have to apply to apply to the courts, as grandparents don't get automatic rights to do so. So yes, you have to apply twice, and you have to go to court twice, therefore. I'm on my third court hearing now, as the first one they didn't show up. I cant afford a lawyer, so bought every book on law and grandparents rights. I think its better to do it yourself, for the emotional element. Good luck

It sounds rather that if they simply don't turn up, you get no further forward? We looked at the mediation service and found that it was very expensive, we would have to pay a fee by the hour for all four of us to attend and should my son and d-in-law not turn up we would be left with empty hands and still have to pay the full fee. I imagine the satisfaction that our d-in-law would get from the extra little twist of leading us on to hope and causing us expense and yet more grief.

Sadly, the whole system is weighted against grandparents who, from the people I have heard from, are the innocent parties who, being the most vulnerable, are easy targets for cruel personalities.

I am sorry for being so negative and just wish I could offer something other.

It certainly sounds awful what you are going through, I cannot imagine how terribly hurt you must feel. I certainly didn't mean to make light of it but I have been fortunate I suppose in that my daughter did respond.
I do hope that things improve. I have always had an up and down relationship with my daughter but when they moved away I felt so very upset and think I have been grieving ever since.