Hi! I have been reading some of the other threads on here and rather than chipping in there and interrupting, I thought I'd start a new thread - just to see if anyone could explain something to me?
I am not a Gran myself but a DIL who has quite a few issues with my MIL - resulting in long stretches of time of not seeing her at all and the current situation which is her seeing us once a year at Christmas, despite living only 20 minutes away. I have really struggled to understand her thinking and behaviour and although I am not comfortable with the current set up (I always wanted an extended family - lots of gatherings etc) - I have concluded that I just don't have the time or energy anymore to spend on trying to 'get on' with her - either she needs to fit in with us or she doesn't. Both DH and I work outside of the house extremely long hours (case of having too -finances dictate - you need to do the hours in order to keep the job) and that plus all the time spent looking after DC, taking them to their various activities and appointments (oldest DC has SEN), looking after an elderly relative of mine, plus all housework, laundry, admin etc mean that there is just no free time to do anything other than just try to survive. I therefore don't have time to phone MIL for chats or go around there - if she wants to see us she has to fit in with us eg when invited to DC's football matches. (That sounds harsh but it really is the reallity - both DH regularly survive on 5/6 hours sleep a night - as after getting in from work at 6pm, sorting out DC and getting them to bed we then will work into the night just to keep on top of paid work and the house - and then up again at 6am, to get everyone up, ready and out. Weekends are DC sport, eldest DC appointments, house, laundry and occasionally realising that we are married to each other and trying to have a conversation! I am at the point where I really cannot push myself any harder - I ended up in hospital for major surgery earlier this year - I had been ignoring a condition and putting up with it because I really didn't have the option of taking the several weeks off that were needed to get over it - until I got to the point that I couldn't keep going anymore and had no choice because my immune system packed up working - so I had to have the op. My point is, that I really do push myself to do everything that needs doing - but cannot deal with MIL on top of it all). Anyway, after several invites like this had been turned down for ridiculous reasons - her bus pass wasn't valid until 9.30am so she couldn't get there in time, she promised her neighbour she'd go round for a cup of tea that day - that kind of thing - I stopped asking.
DH is free to go and see her if he wants - but he rarely has time off of work and when he does wants to spend it with DC and myself - not trekking over to his mothers. That is his choice, not mine. I am not going to see her - she is not my Mother and to be honest after she chose her neighbour and a cup of tea when my 5 year old proudly phoned her up, very excited, to invite her to his first school play (he was very upset), I lost all desire to put myself out for her.
However, according to her it is me who has stopped her seeing her GC and got between her and her son. As I said earlier I really struggle to understand how in her mind this situation is down to me? I know none of you are inside her mind, but just wondered if anyone could throw any light on her thinking for me?
I also would like to ask another question: I can understand the upset that being alienated from your grown up child could cause - you know them, you have known them for a long time - they are the most precious thing in the world to you - therefore it is totally understandable that you miss them - the prospect of not seeing my DC when they grow up is horrendous. However I do not understand why some GP's seem to be so adamant that they should have time with their GC. They are not their children - they (the GP's) have had their time raising children - they have no claim on these new children - they are not their parents. They would not demand that their friends gave them access to their children - so why do they seem to think they can demand that their DC give them time with their children?? I again, can understand missing the GC if they have had contact and then that stopped - the same way you would miss any relative, but how can you miss GC that you have never met? I am truly not trying to upset anyone here or cause offence - I really just don't understand it - MY children are the most important thing in the world to me - if my children had children, then they would be precious, of course, but MY adult children would be the ones I would want to see and spend time with, not their children, MY children would be the ones that I would be devastated to lose contact with (or not be part of a life with), not a baby or young child that I had never met, I would do anything to maintain the contact with my child because I love them - I hope that makes sense?
Wibble Sat 13-Aug-11 22:21:40
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