left with an elderly aunt I don't know

Glad that this is resloved now, and it shows that Gransnet is a good place for us 'oldies' to share. We are also called 'the sandwich generation' aren't we? with 'very oldies', GC and DDs and DSs to look to. Hey Ho.

After all the problems are finally sorted, make sure that you get your family to treat you, a day of pampering or a weekend away. As they say, you deserve it.

I'm glad that this situation has been resolved so well nanarosie, it must be a great relief to you.

Nanarosie you must be so relieved to have this situation resolved. As we get older life seems to be getting more and more stressful instead of the gentle retirement we were hoping for. I don't want my children to have this worry as well as all the other problems they are going to inherit! I want to die in my sleep before it gets messy!

Nanarosie, so glad that you have managed to sort this difficult situation out, its so nice when someone has some good news to share.

So glad it's sorted out, and that your burden is lightened. You've definitely done the best for her and you. x

Didn't really want to bring this up to the top again but just wanted to say thank to eveyone for their advice and to say my aunt is tomorrow going to a very nice nursing home a few miles down the road from us and she will stay there as there is no prospect of her being able to live in her flat again. I am sure the care there is good as have had good reports from people I know - feel I have done the best I can for her. Reading different posts on these forums has made me realise how very lucky I am and my heart goes out to all of you who have sick partners or family members or those who can't see gc for whatever reason - I hope these lovely ladies give you as much of a lift as they have given me and am looking forward to being a regular "pest" I mean poster on the boards many thanks and enormous hugs to all grans everywhere

Hello NanaRosie, I have been reading this post for a while and want to send you my best wishes. I am sorry to hear that your aunt has had another stroke, I assume she is hospital now. I am sure she will now receive a full assessment of needs, irrespective of her financial situation. You must look after your own health or you will be fit for nothing. Hopefully your aunt will now go directly to a Nursing home.

I have had a similar experience this year with a close aunt who had no other relatives and once she had gone into Residential Care it was a great relief for her and us. We used the internet to pick a list of care homes and then found a suitable one. My sister and me have arranged Power of Attorney (through a solicitor) and have been able to sell her house for her.

Number one priority is you and your close family, I would be happy to give you more detail of our experience in a private message if you wish.

Hello NanaRosie and bless you for your kindness and generosity of spirit. Your family are very fortunate I think.

NanaRosie, such a sad story, and its such a shame you are having to cope with this. I do hope you find somewhere you are happy with, it can be quite a problem. This highlights a problem that is only going to get worse if the powers that be dont get their act together and make the system a lot more integrated. I fully appreciate that a lot of funding is required but in many case, as in ours, it was just reliable information that we needed. I hope that all goes well for you Nanarosie you sound a lovely person.

Sorry to hear about your aunt nanarosie but your family need you more than she does. Good of you to help find a home for her and at least it takes the pressure of you. It is sad when old people have no friends or family but they should have thought about that many years ago when they were still able to go out and join clubs etc.

it would seem as though the problem has resolved its self - my aunt had another stroke this morning and looking at how she is i think she will require proper nursing care and expect to be aked to find a nursing home for her shortly. A sad semi end to the whole thing - I will find somewhere kind for her to be and close so I can at least see her from time to time. Many thanks for all your kind comments and suggestions

Nanarosie, I would just like to add my voice to Flickety's about the mental state of this poor lady. We ended up 'coping' with a form of dementia and soon learned a lot about it. There are many different variations and some can just seem like bloody mindedness to those who are not involved 24/7. You need a full assessment - this will then open the door to all sorts of help and advise. Good luck.

Nanarosie, whether your aunt has money or not Social Services have a legal obligation to make an assessment of her needs, even if she then has to pay for any care that results. Social Services will use the 'self-financing' card to avoid fulfilling their statutory duty whenever they can. Dont let them. Sadly my experience of SS is the same as HildaW's. There is no situation involving the care of the elderly that Social Services cannot make worse.

However, even allowing for the very natural grief of your aunt at the loss of her husband, refusing to pay for any care that she needs is ridiculous and expecting a niece that she hasnt seen or shown any interest in for 30 years to provide all the care she needs for free is outrageous. Stick to the phone calls and go no further. You have never suggested that your aunt has any mental problems and from what you have said about her and her husband's lack of friends and family contact it would suggest that her current behaviour is the way she and her late husband always behaved, which is why she is in this friendless position. If she chooses to continue to act that way she must accept the consequences.

As for pushing her off a balcony. I have looked after four very disparate groups of relatives at different times over the last 15 years and when I felt like that, and believe me I did. I relaxed, indulged the thoughts, and then let them flow out of me. It was calming and cathartic and enabled me to keep going.

Nanarosie, Your health and wellbeing and that of your nearest and dearest come first, an aunt who hasnt seen you for over 30 years comes way down the list.

For goodness sake the woman is 84 do social services not have any compassion, she may have money but it is probably the guidance she needs. If they tell her how to go about things she is more likely to listen .

many thanks for such kind comments - haven't had much time to look here aa mil needs a fair bit of help having just lost fil. DH is very sad at losing his father and my DD is absolutely distraught about it all. Have not had a chance to see aunt but have rung a few times to check on her - she refuses all help from a very nice lady i found who would take her anywhere or do whatever cleaning she needs at a resonable cost but aunt won't pay! she also refuses to go out for little walks around her close and just sits and cries all the time - thank heavens mil is not doing that. I don't think i could possibly be a very nice person as could willing push her off the balcony - well not really - just am at a total loss as social services says she has money and must sort things out privately. I realise she misses my uncle dreadfully and its not long since he passed away but i don't think she is ever going to rally around and make some kind of life for what time remains to her - the rate she is smoking perhaps that won't be long and I rather think its what she wants. Sorry to have gone on so much about my troubles and am truly sorry to hear of your sad situation - I hope things improve for you soon - many hugs

Nanarosie.....dont get guilted into getting involved. We all have our limits and must stand firm by them or we go under and then even more people suffer. The firt rule of being a Carer is 'Look after yourself'.

Social Services need to be told in no uncertain terms that you cannot take on anymore. If they see so much as a chink in your defenses you will find yourself agreeing to something.

WE had fulltime care duties of a loved FIL and as soon as they saw that (and knew he was self-funding) we got absolutely nothing, not even answers to phone calls about where to start looking. Husband and I nearly went under but thankfully got a lot of help from a small local charitible trust.

Nanrosie, sounds like you have more than done your bit, tell her you will make sure the right people know and will keep in touch, thats all anyone can ask. Bless you for doing so much.

I think your best bet is to contact the local Social Services department and seek their help. Harsh though it may sound, you cannot take responsibility for someone you hardly know - you have done so much already and cannot base your life around her. Your grandchildren need you more!

Hi, remember all the way through guilt is a wasted thought like worrying about worries, I made the mistake of getting remarried (that was not a mistake) but agreeing to take his spinster aunt to live with us (as she had no one else!) emotional blackmail,
Here I am 8 years later with a very sharp tongued, rude and ignorant, 88 yr old who justs spends the whole day sitting in a arm chair or on the loo, doing nothing but getting waited on. Dont Dont get to involved and do get Social Services involved as suggested, they can help especially as she is not yours!
take care and I wish you lots of luck getting back on track, dont do as i have done I even moved to ROI taking her with me and now no social services....ugh. Its like a leech sucking the life out of your life GET RID!

Hope things have gone as well as possible today nanarosie and good luck for Sunday.

nanarosie - I do hope things go smoothly today and the next few days too. It's a lot to deal with but you sound like the kind of person who will cope. Will be thinking about you.

Thinking of you today nanarosie

thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. After fil funeral tomorrow will draw breath on saturday and settle mil and sunday will be d day for a final explainin of what I can do for her and what she is going to have to find paid help for. Again very many thanks for the "permission"!

Nanarosie I think you have done more then enough to help this unpleasant sounding lady who after 30 years suddenly needs you. If the situation was in the reverse would she have helped you - if she was so nasty to other people I think not. It sounds as if you have quite enough on your plate and you have done enough to help her. My ex-husband's brother totally ignored me and my two children for years even though we live in the same town - as their father lives abroad it would have been great for my children to have a male influence intheir life. He then had a stroke and was hospitalised etc for sometime. He was compus enough to pass on my details and Social Services leapt on me thinking I would 'help'. I visited him in hospital just out duties' sake but made it clear to everyone concerned that he is my ex-brother-in-law, he's been an absent uncle and I don't feel obliged to help him out. I made my ex-husband aware of the situation, they are estranged, and agreed that I had done more then enough.
So have you, you concentrate on those who love you , as Amber has said pay the odd visiand she can pay for help if she is so well off.

Nanarosie there is no reason for you to feel guilty about not being able to be at the beck and call of your Aunt, just ask your self what she would be doing for you if the situation was reversed, by the sounds of it nothing at all, so why should you wear your self out trying to help such an ungracious woman. I know us grans can do a great many things, but none of can be in two places at the same time, I agree with the other g/netters you will only make yourself ill, if she has plenty of money then she can afford to pay for help, tell her you can pop in for a visit every now and then and perhaps she will learn to be a bit nicer to you.