Who should a son put first on Mothering Sunday his own Mother or his wife?

Jess - does the 'big W' = worry? I think I've cracked it!

Sounds like you are making progress with the big W green.

Carol -

Life is always going to be full of alright and not right times - just enjoy the good times as often as possible. I remember my first management job when I commented 'I'll be glad when I can start doing my job and enjoying it because I know what I'm doing', and my colleague said 'it's always like this, forever changing, don't ever expect to know your job.' That's what being a mum/grandmother is like for me - you think you've sussed it and somethings happens to remind you you haven't.

I do so agree with that, Jess! One of my friends said to me the other day, "Isn't it great when everything's alright?" I've just started to enjoy things 'being alright', instead of worrying when they'll stop being alright! 'Maturity' doesn't seem to figure much hereabouts! Always we have to wonder if we've done the right or wrong thing (and analyse what made us do the wrong thing - again)!

Yes green I just mean that we can never give a sigh of relief and assume that we can just relax now and float through ever crisis on a plateau of maturity.

Greatnan, I do know what you're saying. It has to be looked on as a gift and not a right, I think. And I also see what you mean with the wording of the title of the thread, now I think about it. I don't ever want to be put first - ever. And I don't want my family to think that I'd want it, either. I think as parents we put our children first always - (not many of us would put ourselves first, would we)?

Same here!

Jess - no! But we've lived and learned a lot, I think!

Oh,green, I know exactly how you feel - when I got my daughter's horrible letter completely out of the blue I felt as though she had punched me in the stomach.
Every time I read the title of this thread, I find myself putting the accent on 'his own mother' and I have to say it makes me uncomfortable. Try substituting 'his mother' and 'his own wife' and you will see what I mean.
I don't expect to be put first by anybody, not since my own mother and my long term partner died. I am grateful for all the love and support I get from my other daughter and her children, but I view it as a gift, not as my right.

Oooo cautionary tale or what green.
It is not easy though is it. There we are, happily thinking we are all grown up and mature and then Bam! our adult children suddenly rock the boat and give us new developmental challenges. Drat! You mean I need to be even more grown up?

Jess and Mishap, most definitely! Is it not what we strive for? I earlier mentioned about the estrangement between one of my daughters and I. This kicked off on Mothers' Day 2004. Having had no cards or contact from any of the three of them, I stupidly (very stupidly!) texted all of them and said, "Where are all the Mothers' Day wishes, then?" I got no reply from my son, my elder daughter commented later on in the day that she didn't really 'believe' in Mothers' Day (she does now, though - her own daughter has taught her about what it's like to be appreciated (or not)! My younger daughter came round the next day and hit me! All water under the bridge now...and a very long story too, but now I'm just thankful for what I have, now that it's all settled down.

I agree that Jess has hit the nail on the head. Our central role inevitably changes and if we do not accept this we are heading for a lot of misery.

It is possible to take delight in seeing our own children taking centre stage in the child-rearing scenario; and to carve out a role for ourselves that is different. It is still an important role in its own unique way.

Perfect post Jess - sums up just what I needed to say too

It was priceless just being with the family on Sunday.

It doesn't take much, does it, nellliedeane! Just a text with a few words - I got a text on Sunday from my son saying, 'Happy mither's day, maw' (local dialect!) I was so chuffed! He's not good at cards or presents, but I do know he thinks about me ! My eldest daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter popped in with a bottle of wine and a card. I didn't hear from my other daughter, but I think she'll know that I know she's thought of me on the day. I'll see her through the week some time and I'll take her for a meal! She's not got a lot of money, and isn't good at showing her feelings. We were estranged for 7 years but things are better now. I don't need cards and presents as long as I know I've got them!

Bang on, jess.

just had my mothers day card of of my son,unexpected.....but guess what actually prefer to get today....there are 364 days to show and say he loves me we speak daily on BBM somedays just hi u ok....some days more,he lives over 100 miles away...all of a sudden the sun is brighter.....one happy nelliedeane [SMILE]

I wholeheartedly agree with the last two posts.

Yes, I agree sbagran. Mother's Day is turning into something like the Queen's two birthdays, with presents and flowers, and tables booked in over-priced restaurants for meals out that would cost less on other weekends. I don't want this - just a card, especially when children are small and they make their own - these are treasured. My daughters have their own little children now, and It has been lovely to see effort made to do things for mummy like making cakes and cookies, and drawing lovely pictures and a poem for her.

My twin grandsons made lovely cupcakes with their childminder last Friday. So lovely, that they ate them in the car on the way home, promising 'we'll make more on Mother's Day mummy!' They did!

I think sometimes it is appropriate for grown up people to put on a brave face, even better, start to cultivate a braver inside. Not always but sometimes.
When our children have their own family dynamics change. The new mum and baby are at the heart of things. We are supporting cast - no longer the "mother" at the heart of the family. This an evolutionary reality. The only time this does not hold is if you live in a culture where older generations have managed to convince everyone that older people are more important than younger ones. And we live in one in which the youngest are viewed as the most important.
Not surprising if we suffer a few jolts and have a few down days as they make their own decisions. But what are we to do? We can try making a fuss about our own needs not being met. We can try to manipulate our offspring. We can fume or feel full of self pity. Or we can start to work at being a braver adult. The practice will come in handy when worse things happen, or when we get old, which can require a great deal of endurance.

We do all seem to be of one accord with slight variations. I don't believe in making a big deal of the commercial side and certainly don't want any of my children spending money they can't afford on flowers etc at inflated prices.

My younger son, no doubt made a special day for his wife as they have two small children but he still took a couple of minutes to give me a quick ring. My daughter invited hubby and I over to lunch on the day and gave me a 'sensible' bunch of flowers and cards. As her children were with me the previous day they had made cards for her which she will treasure. Older son - nothing! He was working a 13hr nursing shift so I didn't expect anything, but a quick call or text the day before or after wouldn't have hurt especially as he called in home yesterday on one of his usual dash-in-and-out visits and not a mention!

In general I feel we all would just like to be 'acknowledged' as Mum - not necessarily by visits or treats but a simple phone call and or card costs so little these days and just acknowledges we exist! That shouldn't be too much to ask surely?

I'm fairly relaxed about Mother's Day. But I had to make sure I always sent my mother a card because she would have been hurt if I didn't. I remember once when I forgot to send my father a Father's Day card and my mother was quite upset because it meant he had less cards than her brother did! I can't see the point of getting a card because you have emotionally blackmailed someone into sending it every year. It should be a freely given gesture.

sixtiesgirl - nobody has suggested that it is unreasonable to feel good if your offspring remember you on Mother's Day. The title of the thread suggests that a mother should feel hurt if her son does not put her before his wife, and that was what we debated.

Sadly we Mothers are brainwashed (sorry - accustomed) to putting on our "brave facade" and our inherited "put everyone else first" stance, almost bordering on martyrdom. It's not unreasonable to feel good if your offspring remember you on Mother's Day, after all, it doesn't matter what age your sons and daughters become, they are still your beloved children to you - that never changes. I think some children are so used to seeing their Mothers putting themselves last that they think it's how it should be.