Who should a son put first on Mothering Sunday his own Mother or his wife?

I only have daughters but I expect to take a back seat in their lives too. I'd be concerned that they hadn't grown up properly otherwise. They are loving but independent and know that I am too.

I agree with granbunny in a way but then I don't have sons. I do get the impression there is quite a bit of rivalry around between mothers and wives. Probably the mother should take a step back.

he's married. his wife comes first. mum had her turn, now it's time to take a background role.

Thankful for small mercies, eh?

You are right JessM - Its much easier with my daughter.

To be fair to my son - The time his wife called him back because of the key - He had words with her later and told her that I was his Mum and always will be and she would have to get used to the fact that on occasion he would spend time with me. It didn't mean he didn't love her, it just meant that he didn't stop loving his Mum when he met her ! He said he didn't insist she visit us because she mostly chooses not to - but it was unreasonable of her to get upset if he does.

Funny though that she is very happy for me to babysit often and at the drop of a hat !

It is very sad, no doubt, and you're right it's usually different for mums and daughters. They may fall out but it's between them and not as a result of manipulation by a partner.

The only way she is going to stop having tantrums is if they get ignored.
5 years is a long time. I think it is sad for mums when their kids get mated off and then joined at the hip behaviour kicks in. Easier for mums of daughters to have 1:1 time ?

It's (subtle) war then!

Perhaps this time it might be worth 'not hearing' the phone if she tries more sabotage!

Thanks wotsasmashhedupjingl

I will go - but I can predict she will have a tantrum on the day we go. The last time was about 5 years ago and she called my son after he had picked me up to say she needed his door key as she had 'lost' hers. We had to drive back to his house to give her his key and we ended up being late.

I would have left her without a key !

Definitely go Maxgran.

There seems to be so much emnity between mothers and daughters-in-law, rivalry, the lot. In between the son/husband who, being a man, will probably behave in a way which will avoid as much hassle as possible.

Jess
I am afraid my son's wife does not like anyone who knew him before she did. I am very close to my son and my daughter but not in a stifling way.
She IS insecure. I remember my son saying she would be better once they were married which made me smile,..because I knew she wouldn't !

Her Dad has said that she was always spoilt rotten as she was a late child and the last of 4 children and she likes her own way and all the attention.
Its a shame because although she mostly avoids seeing us - I have been on shopping trips with her, just the two of us and we have a good time. Its just whenever my son is involved she acts like a complete shrew.

What a very insecure (or possibly spoilt rotten) woman she must be maxgran.
You should definitely go - you are allowed to have treats as well! Your son is a big boy now and needs to deal with this. Not your battle.

What a cow! My DS1 and his wife have always invited me to stay for the weekend of Mother's Day, even this year when they had moved on the Friday. But I know how lucky I am (and he is) and never take them for granted.

My son's wife has done her best to make sure my son doesn't visit me on Mother's day ever since they met. They have 2 children of their own now and I accept my son will be making the day special for his wife because she is the mother of their 2 children, MInd you he treats her like a princess most of the time !
However, this year my son told me as a surprise he has booked to take me to a show but its not until October. His wife has had a massive fit about this saying he is spoiling me and he shouldn't be spending so much money on me !
My son assured me he/they can well afford it and he wanted to do it as a special treat.
I am thrilled he wants to do this - but sort of sad it has created another argument between them. I don't know whether to go or not !

With that approach, Nellie, I don't think you can fail.

thank you Greatnan and nightowl...am now working on my relationship with my DIL as I am a new MIL...am thinking back to how I felt and trying to act accordingly to the responses I get on the whole I work with the approach ''you are no1 in his life,we have to get to know each other as people,hopefully respect on both sides will grow'' I now will get on with my own life.if you need me I will do everything I can...if you dont its not personal as you may need your own mum....make your own family traditions,and if you do visit its because you really want to,not because you have too,I would hate to be the recipient of a duty visit.....none of this was in the manual when we had children was it

Welcome nelliedeane , and Janice I hope you haven't been put off contributing again as I found your topic very thought provoking. I for one find that it has been hard to adapt to the changing relationships with my sons, even though I know it's perfectly natural and I love my sort of DIL dearly. Like you, I miss the closeness we had when they were little but I know that's my problem and not theirs. My relationship with my daughter is much less complicated (though I know that's not the same for all gransnetters, and they are all different). I enjoy hearing other experiences and points of view.

Yes, just be yourself, Nellie, you are amongst friends here.

nelliedeane

thank you carol and greenmossgiel there is life in the old girl yet,my other half is considerably younger than me...by 20 years....so I feel on apositive note that with all the young people around me I should be young mentally as they say 'beauty is skin deep' I am just wearing my skin inside out,even if I look decrepit,plus a lot of my daugters friends still call on me..and my sons,and most of my friends are younger than me,so it is nice to have ladies of a similar vintage to speak too and I can put my 'mums hat' on the side and just be myself....am really glad I took the plunge with all my new friendsxx

You're not waffling, nelliedeane. You've just made a lot of sense. Good luck - you're doing very well.

Yes, it does make sense nellie. You've been through some harrowing times and I hope you will now be able to enjoy this next stage of your life. My life certainly improved after 60, wouldn't say it was horrible before - I have always made the most of things, but there's a certain contentment that starts to take over and I agree with those findings about older people being happier as time goes by. Being a childminder can be such good fun, so I hope you enjoy it

I may have had a little snifter as it is an anniversary of sorts for myself and my other half so not sure if I make sense,but my nan used to say roots and wings ''they are only ours to borrow not to keep'' oh it hurts dosent it when you are not thought of,but I remember thinking as a young bride I am responsible for his mum ...a widow and my mum widowed shortly after, and a year later a much wanted child and grandchild died followed very quickly by my dad through the trauma the weight of responsibility weighed on me very heavily I felt very suffocated by it as the only girl in both families....my time has come now as a very new mum in law and I try to put myself in her shoes,but I feel Kharma has struck as I dont get very good vibes and it is very much 'my family' 'your family'....I just say I am here if you want me and get on with the task of looking after my much loved very troubled grandaughter.......sometimes very wistfully I think I would love peace and quiet but with the new get back to work schemes I am training to be a registered childminder so that I am earning and on hand.....life begins at 60...lol.....hope this made sense as I feel I am waffling