I feel very concerned about how my youngest granddaughter is 'allowed' to behave as she does?

jingl - I knew what you meant, though.
Such good supportive advice from you all.

It's so easy to start thinking a monster has been created because they've been indulged and parents have been lax and inconsistent, but children don't want to be badly behaved any more than they want to dislike their parents - it's just part of growing up for many children and they usually come good in the end. Boundary-setting would get them there more constructively!

I have young relatives who are now at university and we thought they would never manage it out of bed, let alone into a lecture, but they meet new friends who chivvy them along. I saw one of them last weekend - she had come home for the bank holiday. She was being teased about her sudden ability to iron clothes and get up without a parent shouting up the stairs at her. She used to be a little horror, throwing tantrums when she couldn't get her way, 'forgetting' to phone home to say where she was when she didn't turn up from school, demanding money and expensive clothes they couldn't afford, refusing to do chores to help out in the home. She's grown up now, though.

green of course she is not a wee monster, she is only doing as all children do if they have been allowed to get away with it.

I think DD and SIL need to show a united front, but I think DGD does not need to be party to the decisions that need to be made.

Here is a {{{hug}}} for you, go and have a xx

Bless you - you lovely lasses!

Just a thought green is E's behaviour discussed where she can hear it and feel that would be cool to be thought of that way and live up to that reputation.
Really feel for you as experience similar issues with my GD but the more she pushes the boundaries the harder we push back,the word NO also produces the same reactions as you are getting....I think mum and dad need to stand strong and as been suggested sing off of the same hymn sheet,perhaps family mediation could help....we find a withdrawal of privileges which then have to be earned back a hissy fit does follow and things get trashed and the mood can then last for days we carry on as normal around her "ignoring "the mood.
I can strongly empathise with you and the feeling of eggshells,it is very wearing living with tension like this everyday.

nelliedeane - yes, I'm pretty sure that E's behaviour is discussed within her hearing! I think as well, that it will be commented on when she has behaved herself, instead of just accepting the fact that 'good' behaviour is normal and doesn't need to be commented on.
After a particularly 'bad' episode the other day, her mum and dad decided that they would take her mobile phone from her, for which they pay a contract. She had hidden it and refused to tell them where it was. My daughter said that the charger was lying around so they would remove this, so that she couldn't charge the phone up. I'm beginning to feel that this is becoming a battle of wits, now. I agree that a united front from mum and dad is the only answer. My daughter is excluded, though....and I find it hard to understand why she lets this go on, unless it's just easier that way. E and her dad will watch films together in one room, while my daughter sits about upstairs. I feel that this isn't the best way of showing a united front, and shows E that her father is favouring her over her mother. It's not for me to tell them that's how I see it, but I'd actually like to.

green why is your daughter sitting upstairs when they are watching a film? Why isn't she in there with them? She doesn't have to let them exclude her at all times, she needs to get more involved with them rather than just giving up.

I don't think you can discuss 'the situation' with your GD as you said but I do think you could discuss a particular event as it happens because that could occur naturally and you could show how you feel about it.

Sometimes you just feel like shaking them, don't you? It's so blindingly obvious what needs to be done, and how it could be dealt with, but meanwhile the problems build up because no-one is addressing them in the right way. AlisonMA, it's taken a long time for things to get to this stage. As time's gone on, the problems that have occurred have been put down to 'just being E'. I agree that my daughter should be there in the room, as well. I think, though, that she's come to the stage where she feels so left out that it's easier to stay out of the way. I'm getting more angry about this as I write, actually. I cannot understand why she hasn't stood up and said, "Ok, that's an end to all this nonsense. We're a family of 3 - not 2, and that's how it will be, as from now." I really hate to see this happening. She holds down a stressful job with a foul boss and suffers from thyroid problems, which cause her to be really tired much of the time. Probably that's one of the reasons she doesn't push her way in more.

I think there has been general agreement here that the united front is the best (indeed only) approach.

But......YOU cannot make that happen; only the parents themselves.

A few questions.......does your D generally have a good relationship with her OH (as far as you can tell - we can never get inside anyone else's relationship)?.......does she actually say to you that she is concerned about the situation and ask for advice? - if she does then this is your opportunity to say (kindly, as I am sure you would) that you find it distressing to watch and feel that the only way forward is for her and her OH to be absolutely as one over the situation, resisting all attempts to divide and rule (as she is very effectively doing just now).

The temptation for her OH to milk the situation and enjoy the adulation must be quite strong; but your D needs to have her own confidence boosted in this situation and she can only really achieve this if she has the backup of her OH.

Achieving unanimity over this situation is good for their relationship too - and gives them a solid foundation for when this lass kisses them goodbye and sets off to make her own life.

This is another of those frequent situations where grandparents have to sit on their hands until they are invited in!! - grrr!

green just thinking does DD and OH every have time away from DGD say for a weekend for them to just be a couple, if not it may be worth planting the seed.

Mishap, I'm pretty sure that my daughter has a good relationship with SIL. However, I do think he may milk the situation rather. Perhaps this has eventually led to it seeming that only he can communicate to any degree with E. I won't be able to say anything unless I'm asked what I think, so I'll have to sit on my hands and keep my mouth shut! However, IF I'm asked what I think, I will be saying that they have to stick together over this, and not only for E's sake.

Nobody has mentioned Sex And Drugs and Rock & Roll. She is of an age when all 3 will be rearing their heads. If this is not taken in hand now, God help her parents.

glass, sorry, I'd missed your post. Yes, they do have time away occasionally, and I often think they do that to actually have a rest from E's behaviour, as much as anything. That sounds awful but I really think it may be true. So it may actually be counter-productive their doing that.
petra, I have thought about the Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll....and that thought leaves me quite cold. I just hope that E's common-sense will kick in should any such opportunity arise.

I'd really appreciate some input re a situation of my 11yr old granddaughter.
My daughter also has a 4 year old son. My granddaughter has to do a lot of caring for her brother.
When he wakes at 5.30am ish, my daughter bangs on her adjoining bedroom wall to her daughter to get her to take his tablet in to him to listen to stories so he stays in his room. My daughter doesn't get up to do it.
My granddaughter has to get him up, dress him and do breakfast foe them both.
When my daughter is working from home, clients come round to a cabin in garden which she often has 4 or 5 pm clients, my grand daughter has to look after her brother, cook their dinner and even put him to bed at 6pm.
I've asked my daughter if we could take my granddaughter away for a few days in summer for a break buy she said she needs her there for child care.
We had our first real argument this weekend when she said I can't have my granddaughter to stay with my grandson now. Basically she wants a weekend off. She has every other weekend off when they go to their dads.
My grandson stayed with his uncle overnight last weekend, 1st time away, he cried till 10pm and wouldn't settle and was up at 4am. He's just not ready yet.
Am I over worrying and the responsibility my granddaughter has is not a bad thing or are my worries real?
There is no way I can talk to my daughter as she will just fly off the handle.
I did discuss it loosely with my granddaughter at the weekend who does get fed up with it.
My daughter wants another baby with her new partner poss in next 3 years.
My granddaughter has said she's not looking after it.
I really don't want to contact social services but shebused to leave the house every alternate weekend amd their dad would come and look after them in their own home. This is now going to change and they are going to go to his.
However weekend before last, she left at 3pm, my granddaughter had to look after her brother until 4.30pm when her dad arrived.
She is extremely mature for her age buy iy doesn't seem to bother my daughter.
Any views or advice would be very gratefully received, even if I should just leave them alone to sort it.
My granddaughter said she can't talk to anyone aboit it as her mum would go mad and punish her and take her phone away etc.
Thank you for taking the time to read.

The clues are in your post saying that a) the mother didn’t bond very well and b) the child tried to stop her mum from going to work and leaving her each day

That is your answer E as a tiny child was totally out of control of stopping her mum from leaving her each day so that once she was of an age to realise she could get control she started to use it to punish the woman who had ( in her small mind) abandoned her each day
She’s obviously a very intelligent and probably sensitive child
I think personally it needs to be handled delicately and with understanding
It’s such a shame the mum feels so left out but that’s how the little one felt when small and she hasn’t forgotten it

Personally I think family counselling or even E to have some counselling herself might be very helpful
A big shame for everyone

Violet1902 - the original post is very old - from 2012. You would be better to start a new thread. You could use the same title, as it's relevant, but people would reply to your post, not the original old one, as Bluebelle did.

BlueBelle - you probably didn't notice that this was a very old thread and your reply was relevant to the OP, not the new post with a new issue from Violet1902.

This original post was 10 years ago!

Oh no how did that happen !!
Thanks Farmire and * howverydareyou* I certainly never looked at the date how do people find these old threads whenever I look for a thread even a few months old it always says it’s Moooved and I can’t see it
How the heck did Violet manage to pop it up after 10 years !!!
Well I m sorry folks all that thought wasted the child’s married and out at work now hahaha ???

Violet1902 - please start a new thread about your specific concerns

I understand your concern, but there is quite honestly nothing you can do about it.

The girl's parents might perhaps have been able to do something when their daughter was little, and from what you say, they sought professional advice, which didn't help.

A thirteen year old is not going to change her ways right now, so all her parents can do is grin and bear it, unless they prefer and can afford to send her off to boarding school and wait with bated breath for the day when she is legally old enough for them to tell her to mend her manners or get out.

But to be honest, it is not the child's fault, but that of her parents who apparently have allowed her to behave like this.

It has nothing to do with when her mother went back to work, but everýthing to do with parents who either did not set boundaries, or did not work as a team when their daughter was little.