To expect payment for childcare of DGCs

When my DIL returned to work after 8 months maternity leave I rearranged my working days so that I could look after the baby three days a week, DS and DIL both worked 4 days a week and the baby came to me from 7.30 am to 5.30 pm. When I retired three years ago she started coming to me for Monday to Friday from 7 to 5.30. At times it was hard work and i was exhausted but would never have dreamed of expecting a payment. She is my delight and joy and I have a brilliant relationship with her now. She is at school full time and it is far easier now. Don't let resentment spoil what should be a wonderful time with memories you can look back on and cherish.

granbo my daughter lives in London and we live up north. I PAY £60 a week to travel to them 2 days a week to mind my 2 DGC (2.5 and 1.5 yrs) while daughter does a part time course and other bits and bobs. I hope they move nearer to us next year and I will jump at the chance to do wraparound care when they go to school (with no payment). Your DGC are only young once and living in a single parent situation will be made easier for them, by knowing that their nanna is solid and on hand for them in their lives. Get real and stop fretting about a few bob, give your time unconditionally. When you are old and dribbling will you pay your DD to wipe your face?

Whoop! NannaJeanie that's the stuff!

Golly NannaJeanie. I am really surprised there are so many out there giving their time up so freely. I've heard quite a lot of stuff on Woman's Hour and the like about grandparents doing their own thing and being unwilling to take on regular childcare that it's struck me that THAT is the norm and that I've been really put-upon. I also know a couple of women who are very into their mini-breaks and tennis lessons and seem to wear it as a badge of honour that they've told their DCs that they are not prepared to be on tap for childcare. It seems from this thread that that isn't the case.

If the DGCs weren't with me any more I'm not really sure what I would do - even when they go on holiday with their dad for a week I feel a bit lost. But at the same time it is nice not to be so tied down to the cycle of feeding/washing up/homework (that sounds awful I know). Because DD IS so completely reliant on me for childcare, I can't understand why she wouldn't just offer me say half of what she would pay a childminder, as she'd be up the proverbial creek if I decided not to do it any more. It feels as though she is taking me for granted.

granbo The media and the chattering classes love to suggest that baby boomers are a bunch of self-indulgent, self-satisfied, selfish, rich dilettantes with an over-inflated sense of entitlement and an endless succession of exotic holidays during which they spend their kids' inheritance. They like to suggest that an inter-generational war is virtually inevitable and imminent.

Maybe some grandparents are like this but you only have to look at some of the other threads on Gransnet to discover how false this picture is. Parents helping their adult children out financially with loans, gifts and house deposits, often jeopardising their own financial security in retirement, grandparents helping out with childcare, sometimes to the detriment of their own health, and loving relationships between three generations (or more) don't make good stories in the media.

I'd love to look aftermy dgd, but as I'm a bit tottery I can't. She's now one and just learned to walk and into everything. I just couldn't manage.
Instead I work, earn money ,then there is money available for things my dd wants for gd.

absent n

granbo there's a balance to be struck, isn't there? All my children know that my priority is my grandchildren, and I will muck in and do my bit, but I want the freedom to cherish them and appreciate my time with them, so being over-reliant on my input was not their first option. Needless to say, if circumstances dictated it, I would sacrifice more of my free time and not raise an eyebrow. There are many grans who devote much more time than I do to child care and don't ask for a penny because they are comfortable and can afford it. Those who need some financial support can offer to look after their grandchildren for a lot less than it would cost at a childminder's or nursery, and all sides can benefit. It all depends on our individual circumstances, I suppose.

If you really feel that strongly that you deserve payment, granbo, why don't you ask your daughter? Perhaps you were hoping for more support from us, but everyone is different, and only you know how your daughter would take such a suggestion.

I did raise it Anagram - not in a demanding way but just sort of "Now things are going better for you, perhaps you could contribute financially to compensate me for giving so much of my time over to childcare for you". And she looked really shocked and then got annoyed saying she thought I was supporting her, not trying to make a living out of something I'd offered to do for free .

I have this problem in a slightly different way. I am looking after GCs this summer. the parents are very well paid. The other grandparents also do a stint-they are well off and rent a house somewhere glam and invite plenty of relatives who help out with childcare.The cghildren have 8 weeks summer hols so there is a problem having childcare for that long. I fly out to pick up the children and bring them back-this involves 2 flights for me 2 for the children and an overnight hotel. This year my husband insisted that we ask for the cost of the children's flights. My feeling was that as we are comfortable there is no need to ask BUT I feel the parents should have just put the money in an envelope/bank account to be spent on the GCs in the UK. I don't think I want the money but I would love to overwhelmed by their gratitude or just a few crumbs of their attention. I think [granbo] is rather the same-acknowledgement is the key here i think

Confused here Granbo.
In your first post you say that she should pay you more.
In your last post you tell us your daughter got upset because you had offered to do it fro free.
Did she, or did she not pay you initially?
Anyhow after school care is hardly the same as wrap around care.
And for what it's worth it would not do you to "earn" too much.
You would have to declare it!

granbo, you say you do not need the money and you would be lost with out your DGCs. It's beginning to sound like you enjoy the idea that your daughter is beholden to you. If you put pressure on her to pay you she might just pay somebody else to look after her children who won't make her feel that she is taking advantage. There are some really good childminders about and they do it because no matter how much they enjoy looking after other people's children, they NEED the money.

There are also (or there used to be) some wonderful childminders who just love looking after children and do it for next to nothing. When my DD was three she was looked after by a lovely lady who was a registered childminder but only charged 50p an hour (this was in the early 80s of course, but still remarkably cheap!). She only had three or four children at a time - she just wanted to help working parents and eke out her disability pension.

Johanna, I explained in my second post that DD does give me some money, to cover the actual costs I incur i.e. buying food, taking the DGCs out, etc. I have just been thinking that she should pay me something in addition, for my time.

I think if I was granbo's daughter I would be seriously thinking of finding a child minder.

You seem to want someone to agree with you, granbo, and say that of course your daughter should pay you. But you're flogging a dead horse, here.
Do as you think fit - but do you really want to jeopardise your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren for the sake of a few pounds, which you admit you don't really need anyway?

When I looked after my two DGSs. I didn't ask for any costs to be covered. We fed them after school and often took them out to places like Pizza Express during the holidays. Last summer we took our younger DD's three children on a river cruise for a week so the parents could have a much needed holiday together because SIL is in the Navy and spends months away. We are not well off but that doesn't matter a jot when it comes to enjoying the time we have with out DGCs.
How on earth can you expect to be paid on top of receiving money for costs, granbo?

My DD hasn't really got any other childcare options because she can't afford a nanny, doesn't have a spare room for an au pair, and there is no childminder who will pick up from the DGCs school who does the hours she needs (she told me that she had investigated this option).

When I offered to have the DGCs for free, DD was really short of cash and there was no other option. Now however she is better-off, has recently bought a new (well, not new, but to replace the old banger she had) car, and generally seems to enjoy the trappings of a nicer lifestyle. I am pleased to see her being able to treat the DGCs to a meal out every now and then or a trip to Legoland, but - although we are comfortable day-to-day - I don't have extra cash to splash around on "treats" and it irks me that she is getting something for free which she expects as her right. If I wasn't around she would have to make other arrangements which would cost money. I do appreciate that I'm in the minority with this view though, which has made me think twice about raising it with her again. Thank you all.

Why do I get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach?
Another Bogus Poster?
For me , so much the OP says , is so contradictory , it does not add up.

I seeing some jealousy here 'granbo'. Does your daughter have the lifestyle, work, car and child care that you would have wished for? Is that why you are feeling taken for granted and hard- done by?

I've been thinking the same thing, johanna. I'm outta here.

That username.....

johanna I had this feeling too, I still pitched in though. There is something about the confindence and resiliance of this poster which seems a little unreal. Its all so cold and analytical. A single parent has to earn quite a bit to run a car, pay rent/mortgage, bills food etc, There would not be much money left to pay 'gran'.
This could be someone writing an article about grandparents helping with childcare.

Another point, already made but I will say again, I copied the use of the term 'wraparound care' in my other post, which does NOT mean taking to and picking up from school, it has a far more detailed meaning where the care and the education are connected?

Granbo tread carefully. I agree that you should not feel 'taken advantage of' but the relationship you have with your grandchildren is the envy of many grandparents.

If you are not in any real financial difficulties yourself then why do you feel that money needs to be brought into this arrangement?

I see any money I spend on my grandchildren as a delight and a priviledge. My daughter and her husband work very hard but struggle financially through no fault of their own. If I can help (and I can - I see it as part of my role as her Mum and as a grandma, then I do and gladly.

Is it perhaps that she does not appreciate what you do? Does she forget to thank-you?. Its probably just something she forgets with all that life has to throw at her.

Please try to let the money element become less important, nothing sours a loving family relationship more than bringing financial values into what many would see as an arrangement that allows you to be a fully involved Grandma.

Agreed!