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How I wish I could say enough is enough....

(71 Posts)
Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 12:41:03

The school holidays are on us again and I have been dreading it but trying to plan ahead with ideas..not very successfully I might add,we are day 1 and they do not return until the 7th September,I had invited another child from where we lived to keep E company as the activities for her are non existent here,to have another body here is difficult due to size of house,but we get round it, one thing I didn't plan on was my son and his wife have seperated..they only married last October...I contributed financially...He was savaged by DIL dog...another saga...and we were asked to drop all and rush down to help that was a,onto ago it cost us money we don't have,and as Kerry's carer he only had pocket money,they mutually decided to seperated whilst she was in hospital...her CF was causing her problems...he came back to live with us ..on the sofa with his dog....he has applied for council housing..long wait he was a council tenant with Kerry in our old area...and as he has no job ..he is looking and applying,cannot get deposit for private rent,we are keeping him..not his fault I know,but expensive,I am trying to keep peace all round as OH is a saint as he puts up with lot from E..son is no trouble but used to living his own life and finding hard to live under our roof again,E is just being E....on top of that we are having a new kitchen fitted which is so disruptive and the backlog of washing etc for 4is getting to me as well as trying to provide money and food etc,son doesn't drive he needs to be taken to places as no bus route,and no money so I have to take him,he is bored and fidgety and worried ,his dog is digging up my garden,I feel stretched so much my BP is sky high already take medication for it and stress and out of question no money school uniform to buy it too much to want the uncomplicated life ,I long just to please myself,and be the past have had this scenario with my brother living with me for two years...and a widowed mum for 20 years being very needy,and a mother in law also...I am so strung out .......rant over

Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 15:30:35

ana and granjura I would love a nice little granny annexe to myself they can all visit by invitation and I will visit them and go home to my nice peaceful way of life at the end of the garden...have been known to sit in the car with the door locked reading to get away from them all,especially as living in the country people this time of the year like to 'pop' up for a break...for them for a few days which entails swapping beds/bedding around or even to visit and stay as its cheaper than a BB,unfortunately these have got various hips back and leg problems which deems they cannot possibly sleep on the blow up guess who does.....

Hunt Mon 23-Jul-12 15:35:04

What we need is a kind of ''Gransnet to the rescue'' There are so many gransnetters there must be someone who lives near enough to perhaps take E and her friend out for a day. I live in Essex, any help? Unfortunately we do not have a car.

JessM Mon 23-Jul-12 15:37:28

Good idea from Butternut - or if you think your desire for peace at home will not be met, start a daily walk routine for half an hour. Take the dog if it will walk briskly on the lead. Or not. Walking will reduce your stress levels and improve your resistance to future stress.
I agree about your son helping. Sit him down and tell him that you are finding life difficult. Ask him for help. (REmember he is an adult ) Have a little list up your sleeves of what kind of help you would like e.g. take full responsibility for the washing and ironing for everyone. Take dog and your GD for a long walk every daty or whatever.
Not at all unreasonable if he is being supported that he put in several hours of payback every day!

Bags Mon 23-Jul-12 15:50:50

I also think butternut's idea is a good one. It does work. I've done it myself when I felt too pushed. Nellie, I think you need to delegate a bit more responsibility to other people. jess's idea for your son is good. Can he cook? He could learn if he can't already. And wash-up. Equally, your grand-daughter is old enough to be doing some chores every day, if for no other reason than it would fill in some time for her, but mainly because she needs to start learning how to look after herself for when you're not around to do it for her. You could start gently – perhaps tell her you're feeling really stressed and if she could do something to help you it would make a huge difference.

Please take some time for yourself, alone in your room, or go for a walk (or both) and ask other people to do things for you or, rather, for themselves, because you are feeling worn out. Doing everything yourself and being there for everyone is not, in the end, much use to anyone.

I really hope things calm down for you soon, or that you find some way of sharing the burden. flowers xx

Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 16:16:38

Yes we have tried with E with chores with and with out payment ...she won't help or gets a cob on and storms off leaving job either so badly done or undone ,this is an ongoing battle with her bags my son is offering to help and will Hoover and wash up but the kitchen having been ripped out has caused a problem there at the moment, my SOH is not sons father and feels like his toes are being trodden on by someone else doing chores (but that is another story) , is really supportive of me and kind and helpful but 3 adults and a mini adult all with own agendas and two dogs is going to cause a stressy situation.I know my son feels uncomfortable and useless and I think depression is setting in after his break up with DIL and no money etc thought the caravan suggestion brilliant and mentioned to SOH who thinks council may have a problem with it on our drive which would be just big enough for our car also,if we knew someone who had one.
Am sitting amidst my unmade bed eating fruit and nut chocolate and had a sandwich I don't normally eat either but today is a strange day,the breeze is blowing gently through the window and sounds of distant screaming children and DS and DGD a d a woofing poisoned dog all seem strangely silent which leads me to a few conclusions...I have gone deaf...They have slain each other.....Or I have died and gone to heaven...feel humour starting to be restored am not cooking tonight they can do it and worry about their own weight,cholesterol,likes and dislikes Nellie is on strike.....a dishwasher is being fitted on Friday I have at last got my own way about that after SOH insisted I didn't need it,we are renting it so no huge expensexxxxxxx

moomin Mon 23-Jul-12 16:17:50

nellie what an awful situation for you. I agree with all the foregoing suggestions, your son and GD should be able to "muck in" and give a hand around the house, it is just not right for you to take all this on your shoulders.

Some time to yourself is desperately called for and going for a walk really does help me when I'm feeling frazzled. I know you are out in the countryside but I am wondering whether there are any yoga classes going on in the area? I find yoga is a good release from stress and tension (especially the "relaxation" at the end of the session!!), but you may feel this is not for you though.

It is true that we as women take on everybody's troubles within the family, it seems we are programmed that way and just can't help getting sucked in, otherwise we feel guilty. We really shouldn't. Especially if there are other adults around who can pitch in and help out.

I also think that some of us are slight control freaks! I know I like things done my way and have to try hard to step back some of the time (I think I'm finally getting the hang of it after all these years!). Perhaps you can sit everyone down quietly and explain you are finding all this very difficult, although you obviously want to give support to your son and GD but you can't carry on this way as you cannot cope with the situation unless they come to an agreement to draw up some rules to live by whilst they are in your home.

Good luck, thinking of you flowers

soop Mon 23-Jul-12 16:22:45

Darling Nellie...if only we could bottle you quirky sense of humour. I know that your last message was not meant to be funny, but by gum, it made me chuckle. smile When you have recovered from these latest full-bodied dramas, we could invite you to be our very own 'Agony Aunt' flowers

Anagram Mon 23-Jul-12 16:36:22

Good to hear you've not lost your sense of humour, nellie! grin
At least you've managed to get away from them all for a short while, even if you have to squat in your bedroom (if you know what I mean!).
As for the Council, I wouldn't bother about them - it wouldn't be for that long, would it? Perhaps they'd agree to house your brother if they realised how little space you have!

Bags Mon 23-Jul-12 16:53:47

Nellie, I do understand about kids' talent at avoiding being helpful! smile I expect I was like that myself. Chocolate in the bedroom sounds like a good idea and I'm really glad you've decided to let them get on with it without you for tonight's meal. Well done. xxx

soop Mon 23-Jul-12 16:58:51

Agree with Bags Just this once, leave them to it and, whatever you do, refrain from 'just taking a wee peep to see if they're coping'. If they have to - they will. wink

soop Mon 23-Jul-12 17:03:30

...and that also goes for the dishes. If they're still there in the morning, leave them. Go for a stroll, have a coffee, read the newspaper, retire to your unmade bed with yet more chocolate. In time, the message will sink in. sunshine

soop Mon 23-Jul-12 17:07:22

...and if clean shirts/pants/socks do not "magic" their way into the chest of drawers TOUGH!

soop Mon 23-Jul-12 17:10:32

You can blame me [providing my identity remains private!] wink

Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 17:12:44

Thanks everyone of you for your input * moomin* your comment about controlling did strike a chord but decided I didn't want to play that game any more..maybe in my mind I see that my son is here and I have regressed to being mummy again...I am quite happy for them to help my OH is very son when he had his own place before he married was very competent and he also took care of Kerry and the housework so I know he will help...I think I have got over tired and overwrought and overdrawn my kit hen is my command centre and I am lost without even if I don't want to play init very much...OH has just come and layer down with me and given me a lovely cuddle and a talk and with the support from you all today I think sanity may have returned.. soop grin do you think after this I am a suitable agony aunt,there are others more worthy of the title,I will have a. Hat to Lil and see what she wants to do with the business after she sells it we obviously need something where grandads come join in as well ....xxxxxxxxx

soop Mon 23-Jul-12 18:14:51

Nellie A loving cuddle from your husband was exactly what you needed. He does seem to understand the stress that you're under. Putting your feelings into words, may be all that is needed to help you gain the extra support that you richly deserve. As for being our very own agony aunt...I'm willing to bet you could bring a smile to anyone's face, no matter the problem. The granddads love Lil. She'll find her niche. Try to have a restful evening. It has been rotten day, one way or another. I'd love to do something special for you. smile xx

greenmossgiel Mon 23-Jul-12 18:46:43

Nellie - love and hugs - you'll be just fine! flowerssmile xxx

merlotgran Mon 23-Jul-12 18:47:54

I'm sending you a virtual wine of merlot, Nellie. Keep your chin up. smile

nanaej Mon 23-Jul-12 19:01:21

flowerssunshinecupcakebrew nellie sending you positie thoughts and love hugs x

whenim64 Mon 23-Jul-12 19:17:09

nellie good to see your fighting spirit is coming back after today's wobble. It gets to all of us every now and again and loved ones suddenly realise that the world also needs to revolve around you, just for a few minutes! grin

glassortwo Mon 23-Jul-12 19:32:56

Ahh nellie you are having a right time sad. If the bedroom time does not work try getting in the car and driving a couple of miles down the road to a quiet spot with a flask, sandwich and book and leave your mobile on silent.. its good to have space and time to yourself to recharge your batteries. (It works a treat wink )

Anagram Mon 23-Jul-12 19:34:31

Very good idea, glass!

Butternut Mon 23-Jul-12 20:03:36

glass - I've done that! Agreed, it does work a treat. smile

A bit of a scream does wonders as well - but gently does it. wink

johanna Mon 23-Jul-12 20:06:18

You can have a caravan for one calendar month, I think. After that you would need planning permission.
Good Luck.

whenim64 Mon 23-Jul-12 20:33:57

I recommend screaming, too! Driving along in my car when things have been just too frustrating, I have had a very loud scream on many an occasion. Brings you back down to only slightly bonkers in a matter of moments grin

Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 20:54:41

Thank you every one ...have done the mobile picnic Thoroughly recommend it make sure you go home after they need feeding..grin
Had a good rant and shout this morning think they got the message all was not well...grin
have been on strike all day,am still sat amidst unmade bed receiving tea and solicitous offers of it.
merlot that went down a treat thank you,now have red wine and chocolate smears on my pillow [grin
johanna am looking in local places to see if one appears,but he is looking also for accommodation ....doesn't want to stay with shouty mummy

I might be as soft as butter ,but I will not be a doormat...thank you so much all of you for sorting me outxxxxxxx