Gransnet forums


taking to nursery

(34 Posts)
fillygumbo Mon 25-Feb-13 22:43:58

last year my husband and I looked after dgs 2 days a week whilst parents at work, since then my daughter has had 2nd gc and now considering returning to work. I said from the very start that I was unable to look after 2 - cant cope and they have decided boys will go to nursery 2 days a week, now heres my problem she has asked me if I would take them both to nursery as she has to lea ve home at 7.30 and it dosent open until 8. I have said a rather weak no as to do this I would have to get up at 6.00am and just feel stressed at the idea of getting reluctant toddler and 8 month baby into outdoor clothing and getting the 2 organised.
My dd hasnt appeared to mind but has said if I cant help she cannot return to work so potentially I could be ruining her career, so what do you other grans think please AIBU?

Notso Mon 25-Feb-13 23:01:50

I don't think you're being unreasonable filly. Are there any other options?

Could the children's father take them to nursery?
Is there a different nursery that opens at 7.30 so your daughter can take them?
Could your daughter start work half an hour later and only take half an hour for her lunch break?

annodomini Mon 25-Feb-13 23:02:23

I know that my DiLs who have no grandparents nearby have successfully managed without. If they have to they do. An arrangement with other parents can work well.

positivepam Mon 25-Feb-13 23:02:52

Hi fillygumbo, well personally i do not think you are being unreasonable at all. I think our dds are sometimes very good at laying on the guilt and of course many times we accept it. I wonder why they never see it as their responsibility to look after, bring up and arrange childcare and that it is not our responsibility to do this for them. The thought of getting up and getting reluctant youngsters ready fills anyone with dread and especially so early. I wonder why we let them do it to us, but we do and i know of many in this position, you are not alone. I am sure there will be many other GNs who will be adding comments. Look forward to hearing how you get on and resolve this. flowers

ginny Mon 25-Feb-13 23:31:04

I'm sorry but if you DD has chosen to have two chidlren then it is up to her to sort this out. You should not feel quiltyand you are not ruining her career.We all like to help out when we can but to expect you to be available every day is just taking advantage. I am hearing so much of this attitude these days.Every action has a consequence and people need to learn to be responsible for their own actions and decisions not expect others to rearrange their live to make thing easier for themselves.

maxdrans Mon 25-Feb-13 23:59:08

I feel very strongly about this issue although it is the picking up from school is the problem not that we love to see our gs our day is governed by the pick up and it is almost as if we are some how priveliged to be doing this does any one else feel the same?

absent Tue 26-Feb-13 07:15:38

I am reading this thread with some interest as when I emigrate to be near absentdaughter in New Zealand (and for other reasons too) helping with childcare is part of the plan. She has five children ranging in age from nearly one to eleven and is planning to go to university. I am certainly prepared to help but do not want to find my entire life tightly scheduled by someone else, much as I love her.

tanith Tue 26-Feb-13 07:47:48

Not unreasonable at all , I agree with the others if you don't want to then don't do it . I'm sure if it came to it having to leave half an hour later isn't going to ruin your daughters career.

whenim64 Tue 26-Feb-13 08:01:05

Your DD needs to check out flexible working, as she is entitled to request this with children under five. Shorter work breaks or use of leave days (eg using one 8 hour leave day divided up into 16 x 1/2 hour slots) so she can start 1/2 hour later, would probably resolve this for her without you having to put yourself out.

vampirequeen Tue 26-Feb-13 08:10:12

My dd hasnt appeared to mind but has said if I cant help she cannot return to work so potentially I could be ruining her career, so what do you other grans think please AIBU?

A prime example of passive aggression.....'it's OK, I understand but remember when my life is in ruins it will all be your fault.'

Your daughter has to make that age old decision....children or career. If she wants the best of both then she has to make her own arrangements. There will be other nurseries that open earlier.

Bags Tue 26-Feb-13 08:40:42

It's emotional blackmail, pure and simple. She has made life choices that conflict. It is not your responsibility to sort out that conflict. Just say no, you don't want the job.

Gally Tue 26-Feb-13 09:03:50

Absolutely, say no. It's your time now and you deserve a break. My DD's MIL looks after her children 1 day a week and when it's not convenient, DD has to make alternative arrangements. After 5 days of 2 small grandsons, I really don't know how you Grans cope with looking after your gc's week after week [crazy/admiration emoticon]

dorsetpennt Tue 26-Feb-13 09:07:22

I agree with all of the above comments - you have bought up your children it's now her turn to bring up hers. Perhaps people should sit and think out the logistics before embarking upon having children.
However, as grandparents of course we like to help out with our GC - it should be a pleasure not a chore though. It is only 2 days though, I know the idea of getting up at 6,00am at our time of life sounds dreadful , I know I would blanche at the thought [with my poor ole' bones]. Could she not do as others have suggested and look around for another nursery or have a talk at work about her hours. I'm sure the remark she made was borne out of desperation and by now you have both come to a better plan. You know you aren't going to ruin her career but maybe you/your husband could take it in turns. After all you had the 2 boys for 2 whole days - a walk to and from nursery is going to seem very easy by comparison.

BecauseImWorthIt Tue 26-Feb-13 09:13:50

It sounds like - sorry to say this as it sounds a bit harsh - your daughter needs to grow up and face up to her responsibilities.

Lots of women manage to continue or even further their careers whilst bringing up children. If she can't arrange things so she can get the DC to nursery, how about her partner/husband? And if they can't work it between them, they need some kind of formal childcare.

Don't be bullied by her because, sad to say, this is what she is doing.

Helping with your GC should be a pleasure rather than a duty, and you must never forget that you have your life to live. And your daughter has to recognise this too.

AnneMaria Tue 26-Feb-13 09:14:21

There are lots of other options including childminders who will take the children to nursery, school clubs and waiting until the children are older to have a career.

Not all childminders only do caring in their homes. Perhaps it would be an idea to sit down and talk about the options and perhaps do some investigating on her behalf so that you can go with suggestions. I'm all for helping and keeping it in the family when it is possible, but as people have said flexible working and looking at other alternatives have to be the first port of call. At the end of the day their life is not your responsibility and the children's father should be supporting her to find a solution.

olliesgran Tue 26-Feb-13 09:48:09

It is very difficult to say no, but you have to, if you feel that way. We have had GS 3 days a week, when my daughter was part time, but when she decided to go full time, we certainly didn't offer to do the other 2 days. although it seemed almost expected. My daughter made choices, we don't mind helping, but she has to take responsibility. It is true that with having to pay 1 day childminder (Dad has GD the other day) her extra 2 days work are not as lucrative. But as much as we love GS, we just need our time. There were the usual talk of well, hardly worth it with childminder, not sure it will be worth it, but we took no notice. Our DD's generation is very good at trying to have it all, childminder fees a problem but gym membership and take aways don't seem to be. So only do what you would enjoy doing. Anything more and you will resent it, the children will pick up on it and it will end badly.

Ruthdpl Tue 26-Feb-13 09:50:07

I love a nice quote (I'm a lecturer; I can't help it!) and I think this one sums it up aptly - 'Change your expectation for appreciation and your world changes'.

Sadly, we appear to have raised a generation of 'children' who have high expectations but are almost completely lacking in the ability to show their appreciation - for what we have done for them and continue to do.

Maybe fillygumbo, you could suggest to your dd that as soon as she learns to say 'please' & 'thank you' she may find that people become more helpful.

annemac101 Tue 26-Feb-13 10:33:26

It is very hard to say no especially if you're at home and don't work. I look after my friends grandson 2 days a week while his mum who is a single parent works,I have done since he was a few months old and he has became part of our family. I receive no payment,not that I would take any but a lillte box of chocs or small bunch of flowers once in a while would be nice even a card on my birthday but that is always ignored. I love this little boy to bits but sometimes I feel you can be too flexible and obliging. I also have my GD most week ends overnight she is 18 mths and it's tiring.
I think employers are now bound to give their working flexible working for under fives so if your daughter could ask about that it coukd help her with getting child to nursery.
I also think its hard on young children to be dragged from bed so early and hurried to get dressed and get to nursery all that should be a pleasant experience and for many children its not.
I didn't return to work until my children were at school. We struggled,lived in a council house and only had a couple of holidays abroad while young but I gave them my time and you can't put a price on that.
I think there should be classes on how to say "no"

Movedalot Tue 26-Feb-13 10:43:09

I agree with all those who say don't do it. Resentment would pile up and you would be exhausted.

When is right, her company must consider flexible working and so must her partner's employer. I am sure that this could be accommodated if they wanted to do it and putting the blame on you is just the start of taking advantage.

If it were me I would do the research for them and give them some suggestions but I do think their first option is to talk to their company HR department.

Stay strong and don't be blackmailed!

TerriS Tue 26-Feb-13 11:35:40

Notso has the answer sorted in one.

annodomini Tue 26-Feb-13 11:40:19

My DiL's company hadn't previously been asked for flexible working and asked her to write her own proposal which was then accepted and became an example for others to follow. Perhaps your DD could do something similar. On the other hand, do you think that, deep down, she doesn't really want to go back to work and is looking for an excuse? How much does she care about her career? Does she feel insecure about succeeding and would like to find a way out so that she need not risk becoming a failure?

gracesmum Tue 26-Feb-13 11:51:35

When my DD said once"My children, my problem" I felt so relieved since I had up to that point felt that somehow I had to find solutions. What everybody has said is absolutely right!
However, one thing occurs to me, just because nursery opens at 8 does not mean the children have to be there on the dot of - it's not like school. When DD went back to work after DGS1 was born, I used to pick him up one afternoon a week so that she could stay late at the office, do play, tea, bath and bedtime and stay over so that the next morning she could be off at 7.30 (having got him up) I finished off breakfast, got him dressed and took him to nursery (later and later each week as I preferred to play with him!) around 9.30 before driving home again (1 1/2 hours)It was only 1 child and I loved it as I built up a relationship with him that I cannot replicate with DGS2 because circumstances are different and I haven't got the car seats etc for 2.
So 1) it is her responsibility to find a solution and it need not be as black and white as "can't go back to work" - you are certainly not ruining her career!!
and 2) there will still be ways you can help if you feel able but you can offer what you feel is possible.
BTW, love that quote, ruthdpl !

fadedglory Tue 26-Feb-13 13:55:24

I agree with all those who said 'Don't do it'. Your children must show their own responsibility in organising their lives AND in realising that you can't have your cake and eat it too.

merlotgran Tue 26-Feb-13 14:15:31

Ask your daughter to check with the nursery. Although they might not officially open until 8am, in some nurseries the manager and key staff are often there by 7.30am.

My nephew drops his son off at nursery half an hour early by special arrangement and two or three other children are already there eating breakfast.

wisewoman Tue 26-Feb-13 14:52:45

I wouldn't do it. It can be quite upsetting dropping off little children at nursery - sometimes they are not very happy go go? It is stressful getting them ready, dressed, out the door and then settled in nursery. You will be exhausted for the rest of the day!! It is like you are being asked to be the baddy who leaves the children at nursery or am I reading too much into this? If they have an occasional day when they scream and hang on to you (and what wee toddler doesn't have days like this) you will be a wreck. Don't do it! And don't feel guilty - it is the curse of grans everywhere.