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AIBU to expect OH to ask me how I am feeling?

(50 Posts)
frida Mon 01-Apr-13 22:52:46

I have had a health scare this weekend and spent some time at the local A+E Department. I was discharged home with 3 types of medication and have to return to the hospital next week for another ultrasound scan and blood tests I have been told to rest for the week. I am worried and upset. OH has not once asked me how I am feeling of if the medication is working. He has answered the phone to friends a couple of times and said 'oh, she's fine'. I am so fed up, things have been a bit ho-hum for a while now but this is possibly the straw that breaks the camels back.

Sel Mon 01-Apr-13 23:03:29

frida firstly I hope all is well health wise. Secondly, if that attitude was from a friend, it would be hard to bear, from my OH, impossible. Maybe he just doesn't want to confront the possibility that something might be seriously wrong. I just can't imagine how upset you must feel. flowers to you.

Ella46 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:50:33

frida flowers I do hope it isn't too serious.
Men can be so very hurtful without even trying.sad

Elegran Tue 02-Apr-13 00:00:43

A lot of the time most men don't really want to know that their wives are feeling awful - it is like a child not wanting to know that Mummy is ill, it is too dreadful to even contemplate.

I think if you are usually a "coper" who is in need of some TLC you have to be prepared to ask for it. Tell him that you are definitely not fine, and that hearing him tell friends that you are makes you feel even worse. Add that you have had a scare and are still in a state of shock, and you really need to be mollycoddled for a while at least until you have had the results of your scan. Allowing yourself a few tears would not go amiss.

It is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.

Flowerofthewest Tue 02-Apr-13 00:41:00

frida, maybe he is worried and being stoic thinking it helps. Men really are from Mars!! Do as elegran says and ask for help or a hug or for him to ask how you are. It is scary having someone you love unwell and I think that most men find it difficult to express themselves at these times.

Do tell him how scared you are, how frightened and uncertain you feel. Maybe ask him how he is feeling about the situation, you may be surprised that he is just as worried.

I hope the scan goes OK for you. flowers and hugs

Ariadne Tue 02-Apr-13 04:09:33

The others are right, frida - you need some TLC and it is a pity that you have to ask for it. But when you are scared you need a hand to hold too. Ours are only virtual hands but they are there for you. I do hope all is well.

MiceElf Tue 02-Apr-13 04:18:16

I echo what the others have said. But just a thought, perhaps one of your children, if they are close enough, could explain to him how bad you feel and suggest to him how he could be a bit more supportive.

janeainsworth Tue 02-Apr-13 07:33:37

frida good advice from elegran and the others.
Just a small point - perhaps he doesn't want all and sundry knowing the details of your medical condition and that's why he told them you're fine.
Tell him how you feel.
I do hope the scan turns out ok flowers

Orca Tue 02-Apr-13 07:38:44

Or it could be that he just doesn't know what to say or do.
Frida have you sat down with him and told him that this health scare has frightened you and you need a cuddle and support? Explain it to him and see what his reaction is. As someone else said, men really are from Mars.

absent Tue 02-Apr-13 07:45:42

I had an uncle who was kindness itself. For example, he would often take a breakfast tray up to my aunt when she was still in bed – complete with a red rose in a vase. But when she was ill, he was unfriendly and unwilling to do anything helpful, let alone ask her how she felt. He was simply terified of illness – hers or his own – and pretended it didn't exist.

Bags Tue 02-Apr-13 07:53:09

I was thinking the same, orca. I've learned that with my DH. If I say "I need a hug" or "It's feed yourself night tonight as I don't feel well enough to cook", and similar things, he's fine.

"You did offer to make me a cup of tea, didn't you? Thank you and yes please! wink"

And the other day when my chest was hurting and nothing else worked, a text message saying: "Please get wine on your way home. Too much pain."

Or simply: "I need you to help me with this."

If you've always been the vivacious, lively, coping type, it's hard for people to take on that you have limits.

flowers for frida x

ginny Tue 02-Apr-13 08:06:07

I agree with all the others. Men often seem to have a 'if I don't talk about it , it will go away' type of attitude. Please try to talk to him about it. Hope all goes well and you are up and running soon. flowers.

glammanana Tue 02-Apr-13 08:38:01

I'm agreeing with everything said men don't like admitting illness and pretend all is normal when it clearly isn't,as you have been told to rest can you not pass on all the daily job's to your DH and take to the sofa and put your feet up making him aware as to how upset you ((hugs))

JessM Tue 02-Apr-13 08:43:26

Wise words above.
The stiff upper lip is still alive and well in some people. My DH is a sweetie but comes from a family in which one copes and does not moan. They have had so many serious health problems to deal with and they just put a brave face on it. On the day after his dad died (at home, from a brain tumour, and DH had been helping with terminal care) he and his sisters were packed off to school.
Consequently he does not moan or make a drama about his own ailments (or in fact having a melanoma removed), expects others to get on with it too and is a at a bit of a loss to know how to look after someone unless they are really ill.

Orca Tue 02-Apr-13 08:47:19

Or is it simply that woman are hard to understand complex? They expect men to 1) know how they are feeling and b) know what to say or do.
How can someone know how you are feeling unless you tell them? And how many times have men tried to say or do what they think woman wanted them to say or do, only to find they've got it completely wrong? So they are wary of making things worse by making the same mistakes again.

Bags Tue 02-Apr-13 09:05:54

In my experience, women often miss clues too. As with everything else, there must be a scale of sensitivity to minute body language signals and so forth. Let's not start blaming, but just do what works: ask for help when you need it; simply don't do stuff that wears you out and say you weren't feeling well enough if anyone comments, and so forth.

Bags Tue 02-Apr-13 09:06:18

2 so forths. Oh dear!

shysal Tue 02-Apr-13 09:09:09

Men! In the past I had similar reactions. When I was worried about a breast lump he got up-tight about me being examined by a man. I was furious and hurt. Feel free to shout a bit and let him know how he makes you feel, he will then hopefully realize that he is putting his own feelings ahead of yours. Keep us posted about results, I wish you well. sunshine flowers

Mishap Tue 02-Apr-13 10:08:12

Sometimes men need these things spelled out for them. It's a pain I know but that's the way it is.

How very miserable for you - I do hope that you feel well soon and that your health problems will be sorted out.

Hunt Tue 02-Apr-13 10:13:37

Men really don't like it when we are ill. When the doctors were trying to put back my dislocated jaw and I was screaming with the pain DH went outside switched off his hearing aids and covered his ears with his hands.

LullyDully Tue 02-Apr-13 10:22:39

"Hunter" How horrible that must have been. but listening to someone in pain can be gut wrenching.

"Frida" A bit of TLC not a lot to ask for, have a subtle, can be a bit of a shock if {only if} you tend to be a doormat.

LullyDully Tue 02-Apr-13 10:23:35

[no bold. what am I doing wrong?}

Ella46 Tue 02-Apr-13 10:49:51

Lully You need to use * not "

See the list at the bottom of the page smile

gracesmum Tue 02-Apr-13 10:56:17

There's a bit of a consensus here! They don't like us being ill, they are frightened by it, feel insecure and perhaaps feel that they should be able to do something, but feel helpless.
So yet again it's down to women to make them feel better about themselves, hint, cajole, "guide" them into doing what they can.
Heigh ho. I know there will be exceptions to this so I apologise for generalising, but if nothing else, make sure your DD's bring up their sons to be more "from Venus". In the meantime, I too feel for you and wish you, Frida and any poorly Grannies a speedy recovery flowers PS Don't be pressured into being up and about and "coping" any earlier than you feel you are ready smile

HildaW Tue 02-Apr-13 11:04:41

Oh frida, this all sounds so familiar to me. Having coped with husband's odd health hiccups and even a nasty scare he seems quite blind to my 'off' days. Its always me who is asking 'are you ok?' when he looks a bit glum - whilst I can't remember the last time he asked after me. A few years ago my back just 'went' and I was on the floor in huge pain and unable to move. My daughter (home from UNi) walked into the house and took one look at me and announced 'I think Mum needs a doctor'. I've also made the odd gynae type appointment to find out I've got a low grade prolapse - not a query from him at all. Its bizarre because I know he thinks the world of me, he just can't cope with me being ill or incapacitated. I often worry what would happen if I needed real support from him. Thankfully both daughters are angels and I know that they would be a huge help.