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AIBU to expect OH to ask me how I am feeling?

(51 Posts)
frida Mon 01-Apr-13 22:52:46

I have had a health scare this weekend and spent some time at the local A+E Department. I was discharged home with 3 types of medication and have to return to the hospital next week for another ultrasound scan and blood tests I have been told to rest for the week. I am worried and upset. OH has not once asked me how I am feeling of if the medication is working. He has answered the phone to friends a couple of times and said 'oh, she's fine'. I am so fed up, things have been a bit ho-hum for a while now but this is possibly the straw that breaks the camels back.

wisewoman Tue 02-Apr-13 11:06:08

Frida I am sure your experience is very common - not that that makes it any easier. Generally (I know not all) women are better at nurturing and men are not good at dealing with things they cant "fix". If you are unwell and your DH can't make it better, his way of dealing may be pretending it is not happening. I have had a similar experience recently and in the end had to explain that I needed support but all the while feeling I shouldn't have to spell it out! Sending you flowers and hope you get good news soon.

Stansgran Tue 02-Apr-13 11:07:43

It's all been said . You are in shock. My DH is wonderful with others in pain ,kind sympathetic and reassuring so I'm told. As I lay on the floor with a kidney stone wending its way down and thinking that I would be sick on the carpet I called, shouted for help. He said to my DD in an adjacent room(he was helping he wrestle a nappy on to her baby ) your mother always shouts for me to come to her take no me I never knew I could shout that loud before. I also agree that men hate their wives to be in pain . It makes them feel they are not doing the protecting bit. Look on it as a form of love.

JessM Tue 02-Apr-13 13:21:17

Just remembered: One of the final nails in the coffin of my first marriage was when i had a breast lump (eventually it was accurately diagnosed as cancer but not then) and had been for a mammogram. And I had taken the dog to the vet. Came home and he asked me "how's the dog?". grin I can laugh now (30 years on). But there were many many other nails in that particular coffin!

Movedalot Tue 02-Apr-13 13:36:48

frida I hope you are well soon and that it is nothing too serious.

I agree with most of the above and do think that men can be very insensitive. My 3 DS still grew up to be men no matter how well I brought them up grin.

I was having a very serious operation and one son just went to work without saying a word. Something happened to make him think about it and at lunchtime he got a taxi to the hospital, asked where my room was and when he got there the bed was stripped and there was no evidence of me at all. He thought the worst but I was in intensive care! You would have thought he would have learned but no, still thinks Mum can cope no matter what although now he panics when one of his children is ill.

Since retirement DH seems to know me much better than before and when I'm not well no longer assumes I am being grumpy but shows concern for me instead.

I agree with those who suggest you tell him how you feel, mine just does do subtle!

LullyDully Tue 02-Apr-13 13:59:11

SorryElla not looking carefully enough

kittylester Tue 02-Apr-13 15:16:04

frida nothing more to add to the above good advice. I do however send you lots of (((hugs)))

Orca Tue 02-Apr-13 15:59:35

Grace how about accepting that men have different qualities?

Ella46 Tue 02-Apr-13 16:51:17

Very different Orca and not all good! grin

Ana Tue 02-Apr-13 16:53:44

Although Orca may think differently....

Eloethan Tue 02-Apr-13 17:46:06

I would be very hurt but I believe men tend to be very much solution-focused. If I say I've got a headache, my husband will say "take a tablet" rather than offer a few words of sympathy. When I was working, if I came home and said I'd had a horrible day, he'd tend to come up with things I should do, such as complain, meet with HR, etc. etc., whereas all I wanted was for him to listen and empathise.

Perhaps you could tell him that you don't feel "fine", that you are worried and stressed and that you would appreciate a little more kindness.

Nonu Tue 02-Apr-13 18:13:22

Oh Frieda , what a rotten situation for you . You deserve sympathy , he is perhaps just backwards at coming forward because if we are poorly they feel a bit helpless.

Do not feel all men are solution focused , they just sometimes do not know what to do . there are a great many women out there who are solution focused .

Do sincerely hope things improve for you .

All good wishes

Ana Tue 02-Apr-13 18:26:50

Mine's exactly the same, Eleothan. I sometimes feel like shouting "I don't want solutions or possible reasons - I just want you to listen and sympathise!!!".
But he wouldn't understand....grin

harrigran Tue 02-Apr-13 18:38:20

frida can't add anything to this but you have my sympathy flowers

gracesmum Tue 02-Apr-13 18:42:13

Not sure what your point is Orca? (re "different qualities")

JessM Tue 02-Apr-13 18:52:03

So true eloethan - they are trying to be helpful. Mine is slowly learning that a bit of sympathy or empathy - or just being listened to, is better than solution. grin

Orca Tue 02-Apr-13 19:38:47

Grace [wry smile emoticon] ask Ana

Ana Tue 02-Apr-13 19:43:49

I know nothing!!! shock

Orca Tue 02-Apr-13 19:50:30


gracesmum Tue 02-Apr-13 19:51:02


Orca Tue 02-Apr-13 19:51:50


Ana Tue 02-Apr-13 19:52:09

Sorry, Orca - crossed wires I think. I do see your point.

Orca Tue 02-Apr-13 19:58:21

Ana smile

gracesmum Tue 02-Apr-13 20:01:06

I'll just let you two get on with your conversation then. confused

frida Sat 06-Apr-13 15:47:22

Been back to hospital today, I have a deep vein thrombosis (DVT) and have started treatment for it. Feeling OK and pleased that things are moving on. OH has bought me a pouffe so I can put my feet up!

kittylester Sat 06-Apr-13 16:23:26

Progress all round then frida. grin

Seriously, hope everything improves before too long flowers