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Grandma duties

(31 Posts)
jellybeanjean Wed 10-Apr-13 08:33:36

Hi, I'm very new to Gransnet, I'm a very new Grandma, and I'd like some advice please! I live 80 miles away from my son, daughter in law and their lovely little girl and I see them as much as time (and money) allow. I live on a state pension plus a very small private pension, so money is always tight. My son has indicated recently that he feels I should move to be nearer them; he says it's because the older I get (I'm 64 - yes, absolutely ancient!) the more I'm likely to need their help, but I think it's more because they'd like some help with the baby when DIL returns to work. Nothing would give me more pleasure, but I can't afford the petrol to go up there that frequently and more importantly, I love where I live, I have a gorgeous new man in my life and I don't feel I should be expected to give that up for their benefit. I'm happier now than I've ever been after 38 years of married misery. But am I being unreasonable? My son says he would hope I'd put family loyalty first.

glammanana Wed 10-Apr-13 18:59:58

jelly I would have to say stay where you are and enjoy your life and your new relationship,have you thought that you may move to where your son lives and they then move on ? maybe with work etc it does happen and would they consider your feelings if that happened.
I dearly love my DGCs but would not have my DD rely on me for childcare I have to busy a life which I enjoy.

Faye Wed 10-Apr-13 21:19:45

jelly I was going to say exactly the same as glammanana. There are no guarantees they won't move after you have uprooted yourself to live close to them. Eighty miles is close enough for you to help out with some babysitting and get to know your new grandchild, while you still enjoy your own life.

I met my ex partner just after my first grandchild was born. When I left him five years later it was my children and their spouses who were very supportive. Enjoy your relationship with your NP, just dont put him exclusively first before your son and his family. Eighty miles is close enough for you to spend time with your new grandchild and still have time with your NP.

FlicketyB Thu 11-Apr-13 14:22:51

jellybeanjean Do you think your son sees your new partner as a threat? He consciously, or unconsciously feels that you having a new partner, job you enjoy etc etc is a threat to his relationship with you. Presumably he has until recently been the man in your life whose welfare mattered most to you and he feels he has been deposed.

Asking you to live near him so it is easier to look after you in your dotage does sound odd when you have another child close at hand and it is likely to be decades before you reach that stage.

FlicketyB Thu 11-Apr-13 14:31:11

ps Grandma's do not have duties.

Once our children reach 18 we have mutual relationships based on love and friendship. Neither side can dictate to the other the terms and conditions of this relationship

HildaW Thu 11-Apr-13 15:01:53

Well said Flickety! Its the acid test really, if you view something (like child care) JUST as a duty then something is wrong.
It works both ways of course, I was chatting to daughter about something and I found myself apologising for being a nuisance. 'Don't be silly Mum - I don't mind at all, you are my Mum and its what I want to do' bless her it reassured me that we certainly have the balance right at the moment.