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Only son and only grand daughter going to live in America

(35 Posts)
ganmaj Sun 12-May-13 23:09:50

I can't visit because of a brain injury. The pain of not seeing her grow up, or being part of their lives overwhelms me at times. How will I manage missing them? They've not been good at Skype here. And my daughter in law changes times for visits every time I go to see them in London, which takes it out of me. I cry a lot alone. can someone give me advice please?

Nelliemoser Sun 12-May-13 23:22:00

Ganmaj (((hugs))) No real suggestions though but I can understand how upset you feel. There are a lot of other GNrs who might be able to suggest something.
I should feel lucky that my DD and DGS are only 50 miles (but a two hour drive) away.

ganmaj Sun 12-May-13 23:45:42

Dear nelliemoser, that was quick! i was just abou to give in for the day and go sleep but your hugs gave me quite a boost even though i don't know you. thank you ganmaj

Nelliemoser Sun 12-May-13 23:58:43

Ganmaj You are welcome. That's the joy of GN. You can usually find someone out there for a virtual hug when you need it, as I do from time to time. The no access to grandchildren is the nightmare of most of us either as a sad reality or just a fear.
Take care.
GN does keep one up at night though. night night! moon

Tegan Mon 13-May-13 00:00:00

There's a lot of fun and happiness on here ganmaj, but equally there are a lot of sad stories and many people will understand how you feel. It won't stop it hurting but you won't feel so alone.

Mishap Mon 13-May-13 13:12:03

Welcome ganmaj - it is good to hear from you, but sad that things are not good at the moment. I can understand how you must feel about this situation - I suspect there are other grans on here facing similar problems and I hope very much that you will gain support from them.

whenim64 Mon 13-May-13 13:35:35

Hi ganmaj and welcome. Do they intend to come back and visit? How old is your grandaughter? Things can change, such as your grandughter learning how to Skype so she's not relying on her parents to help her. Are you on Facebook? My daughter often does little videos on her iPhone and posts them, so I can see what the children are up to. Perhaps you could spend some time preparing how communication could be improved before they leave, and maybe telling them how you feel will get a favourable response, at least from your son? He needs to know that you're feeling down and crying a lot.

I do hope things improve for you. [flower]

Joan Mon 13-May-13 13:46:55

So sad for you, and guilty, as we emigrated to Australia when my firstborn was just a little baby. Mum and Dad had other grandchildren though. Mum visited twice, and we wrote all the time, and phoned too. It was 1979 - pre-internet and skype, alas.

The thing is, they might not stay there - America is not an easy country to live in. Is your DiL American?

I think you should tell them that you understand they want the best future they can have, but naturally you will miss them all, so could they arrange to skype you regularly. I know someone who reads bed time stories to his grandchild on skype: he buys two copies of each story book, one for the child and one for him: they open their books together and he reads to the child.

I do wish the best for you, and life tells us all that no situation lasts for ever. I do hope things work out better than they seem right now.

Stansgran Mon 13-May-13 14:05:47

Lovely ideas there Joan . My great grandparents decided to emigrate from Scotland and I have a photo of them all in their Sunday best with his mother in black.the sorrow radiates through over the centuries. Wecannot hold our children back but I feel for you. You don't say how old your DGC is but they are all very techno savvy these days . We are now going to a lot of trouble reversing the process by getting the little ones to write letters! We leave address stickers,and stamps and when a letter arrives they get one back straight away. They are such a novelty that they are taken in to school for show and tell!

ganmaj Mon 13-May-13 15:37:49

I am so overwhelmed by the kindness and thought that has gone into your responses. i never dreamed I would use this kind of 'social network'- but knowing there are people out there who have given thought to my predicament gives me a warm feeling. I am surprised too,-its made me feel less alone.

my grand daughter is 4 in June, and no my DiL is English, but she has family in LA. Nothing lasts forever i know. I suspect my brain injury makes me more conscious of passing time. The 2 book reading on Skype is a lovely idea. Thank you thank you.

whenim64 Mon 13-May-13 15:45:04

Then your grandaughter will soon be au fait with Skype and will be able to chat to you to her heart's content. My four year old grandsons set it up themselves under mum's supervision, now. She could start learning before they leave, eh? grin

Aka Mon 13-May-13 15:58:28

ganmaj this is very sad for you and you will have bad times when you miss them terribly. But if you can set up a Skype or other link it will help so much. Hang on in there.

Butty Mon 13-May-13 17:50:57

ganmaj I have family in the States and it's not all bad. Yes, there are times when it's sad not to share real time with them, but they're a happy lot and I'm pleased about that.

Glad you've found GN a good place to be.sunshine

As an alternative to skype, there is Google+. I use this to phone my son on his mobile from my computer, or it can be used computer to computer screen (it's called a hangout), and it costs nothing. When it rings the special tone, the grandkids know it's us calling! Lots of fun.

Glove puppets are good to use, too! Lots of show & tell - from both sides - is very popular as well. smile

Marelli Mon 13-May-13 18:29:14

I hope Gransnet will continue to be a comfort to you, ganmaj. xx

JessM Mon 13-May-13 19:08:45

ganmaj my grandchildren are in Western Australia. Huge wrench when they went. It is a bereavement.
I agree that they might not settle in the US. Migration is not the picnic that some people (e.g. property abroad programmes) make it out to be. Homesickness, loneliness, being a "foreigner" and day to day realities (such as no NHS) can all loom large.

bookdreamer Mon 13-May-13 19:33:04

Yes that is difficult. I live only my own but i am able to visit. Both my children and both my grandchildren are in the USA.

However, as has been said before, Skype is wonderful and very easy to use. I do think whenim is right. You have to say how you're feeling and let them know that you are available for Skype.Their lives will be busy but you are important too.

I hope things go well. The Internet is a wonderful thing and we are so lucky to live in this era. Things were so much different when joan emigrated so we are very blessed.

mrsmopp Mon 13-May-13 21:57:16

Embrace the modern technology with all its benefits.
We had family in Canada when phone calls had to go through an operator and were wildly exspensive. Letters took ages to arrive and flying out to visit was beyond the means of most people.
Now you have wonderful skype, you can email and FB them and they will be able to afford to come back and visit.
If the brain injury prevents you flying out would it be possible to go by ship to see them? Though I do realise I dont know where they will be living.
We will all be thinking of you so keep us up to date.

storynanny Mon 13-May-13 22:15:26

Ganmaj, I know exactly how you feel. My only grandson was born in America, DIL is American and they will never live in the uk. I've seen him once in the 7 months since he was born and although can do Skype once a week it's nothing like the real thing. I have an iPad and my son has iPhone so we do something similar called FaceTime
It's taken me 7 months of heavy heart to accept I will never have the same relationship with him that I have with my 3 yr old step grandson who lives round the corner and whom I see several times a week.
Whenim64 is right, a 4 yr old will be excellent at contacting you over the Internet.
I can't offer any advice, just that I know exactly upsetting it is. Hope they come back to live in the uk soon x

Aka Mon 13-May-13 23:48:16

Jess you feel bereft, but it is not a bereavement smile

JessM Tue 14-May-13 06:40:29

Forgive me aka if my use of language is not up to my normal standards - jet lag after coming back from GKds visit.
Grief, undoubtedly, is normal when separations caused by migration occur in our lives. We grieve the loss of contact with our children and grandchildren.

Aka Tue 14-May-13 07:17:22

I put the smile in Jess to let you know I was not being confrontational. The word 'bereavement' is used too loosely sometimes and I can understand the sense of real grief and loss when a child moves put of reach in this way. So grief, yes. But though it may feel like a bereavement it just stops short of that finality.

whenim64 Tue 14-May-13 07:50:12

I can empathise with your description of your sense of grief, Jess, having been deprived of contact with my grandson for several months, not knowing whether I would ever see him again. The sense of loss, helplessness and yearning was grief for me. Until it was unexpectedly resolved and I could see my grandson again, I certainly did grieve.

Butty Tue 14-May-13 08:33:40

A few days ago I felt pissed-off, at a loss. Couldn't settle. Angry even. When attempting to pin down why this was, I realised I was feeling really very sad at the loss of years that have flown by since my son moved to the States. 10 years. It was his birthday, and I couldn't give him a hug. A simple thing, yet having to watch from afar his growth, becoming a husband and a father can feel, at times, like a little grief. Grief comes in many forms.
It can't be grasped, held, shaken, hugged. It's an emptiness that can't be filled.
Yet my son is happy, so I gather myself and hug that.

JessM Tue 14-May-13 08:41:39

sad Butty
I was with DS1 on his birthday last week - and suddenly thought "How many years - or even decades - is it since I last saw him on his birthday?"

whenim64 Tue 14-May-13 08:44:39

Butty flowers Jess flowers