Grandson Won't Talk To Us

Oh dear minstrel what a shame. I can totally understand your situation. I feel that you are always going to be treading in egg shells and you poor grandson is being used as some kind of pawn in a game that only your daughter in law can win. I agree that you are going to have to play along with her for now as it would be a huge risk for you to rock the boat. Having said that I bet she is only too glad to have you on hand as a babysitter when she needs you. I agree that you should probably keep anything you need to buy at your house and send him home in whatever he came in. Poor lamb is probably very confused by this awful situation.

Having read all this, it does sound as though he is being fed ideas from his mothers family. It has never ceased to appall amaze me how many parents involve their children in their own marital disagreements. It is a real form of emotional abuse towards the children.

My Bil split up with 2nd wife when the child was small and he had little contact. That daughter, now early 20s, was always told that the relationship just never worked out. To our surprise and their credit her mums family never seemed to have bad mouthed the child's father.

Eleothan I thought it was hysterically funny and had to keep a straight face. But yes, it would be nice if they were sweet and affectionate and biddable wouldn't it. But lovely as they are, they are often stroppy little so and sos that take it out on good old Nana who will never get more than a tad tetchy!

Jess "Nana's going tomorrow. I should have been nicer." That brought a tear to my eye and made me think how children can sometimes be very hurtful without really meaning to be.

minstrel I also think mum is being unreasonable in laying down the law about TV. However, I'm not convinced it's worth the risk of creating more difficulties by asking dad to confront her about it.

Maybe Jess is right - he's confused and a bit angry about things in his life generally, and you're a relatively "safe" option for venting those negative feelings.

I hope things improve. I can understand how upsetting it must be.

You must be treading on eggshells the whole time. I lost contact with my grandchildren temporarily last year and couldn't believe how easily something like that could happen. Glad you're feeling a bit better. Can't beat talking about a problem even if there isn't much you can do about it.

Thanks everyone, I've really enjoyed our exchanges today. I was feeling very low about everything this morning and I'm so glad I came on here (my first time). Your comments and advice have really helped.

Merlotgran, its hard to believe that people can be so unkind, I'm glad that you are now close to your grandson. Families can be so complicated!

Thanks Bags xx

Janerowena, yes see my comments above, we are worried that she might stop him coming to us.

I think you need your own set of rules. They can set rules for when he is at home, but you can set rules for when he is with you. My dughter is very strict on manners, but they stay with me for a week at a time so I have to do some things my way, or go mad. If you want a hug, say so. I agree, someone has been putting ideas in his head. Interrogating him won't work, but if you need him to relax in front of the tv, then put it on. It's your house.

Are you worried that he might not be allowed to come to you? Maybe you could start with the odd 'educational' DVD and get around it that way.

Next time you do that, change him back into his snow boots before you send him home to his mum, and keep the spares at your house.

She sounds very unpleasant. Poor kid.

Just keep being nice to him and remember that it probably isn't his fault.

Good luck

Gillybob, Bags and Tegan, unfortunately this mum does make all the rules. She is a very strong person and we do all feel a bit overwhelmed by her. Thats not to say we are weak but we do feel that she could very easily stop us seeing our grandson if we don't stick to the rules, and we can't take that chance. She could well be bad-mouthing us for all I know. Let me give you an example: On the recent Bank Holiday Monday which was the warmest day of the year so far she sent him to our house in shorts and snow boots! As we were going out to lunch we stopped at a nearby retail park and bought him some canvas shoes to wear. When I picked him up from school yesterday he said "Mummy said the shoes you bought me were horrid". I was very upset as you can imagine.

I don't think your expectations are too high, minstrel and it does sound as though his mother might be winding him up. I had a similar situation with our grandson when my daughter was married and living in Northern Ireland. The paternal grandmother lived next door and as they were a close knit farming family, she ruled the roost. He wasn't too bad with DH but didn't want to be in the same room as me and wouldn't even make eye contact. My daughter got to the bottom of it when, just before we were due to visit, she overheard her mother-in-law hissing at the boy, 'Don't forget who your proper grandmother is.' Both DD and I worked hard to reassure H that it's normal to have two loving grandmothers and gradually he accepted me. We're now very close but that's probably because the marriage broke up and they are now living over here.

A lot of damage can be done by a venomous relative.

I didn't quite finish my thought - he's a little boy who cannot control the important thing - mum and dad getting on and living together. Or his TV watching. On school you don't get any control.
And sounds like his mum is fairly controlling.
So this slight stroppiness may be the only place he can have a bit of control - and the more he sees you upset, the more he wield power. Good luck.

Does he feel that being pleasant to you is being disloyal to his mother in some way? And does his not being allowed to watch television mean that no one in your house can watch it when he stays with you?

I think you have hit the nail on the head Bags. Who says that mum should be the one making all of the rules? Surely dad has exactly the same parental rights as mum and should work things out between them. I agree that there seems to be something going on behind the scenes. Perhaps mum is bad mouthing dad and/or grandparents in front of the little boy and he is picking up the vibes.

Can you be sure that mum forbids television at her house or is she just using this as a reason for the little one not to want to come to yours?

Your time with your DGS should be happy, enjoyable time for both of you and it is not appropriate for a small boy to say "not you again" when you pick him up.

JessM you sound great fun! Maybe I should lighten up a bit and not let it upset me so much!

LullyDully I always let mine watch TV when they came home from school as they were shattered, as you say. The TV thing is his mum's choice and I have to respect that.

This is my one and only grandchild and perhaps my expectations are too high. He's a lovely little lad just rather rude to his grandparents!

Have you asked his mum why he doesn't speak to you, I do find it very peculiar if you are doing activities with him.

Perhaps he does have a language problem?

I find a little bit of TV helps the kids as they are shattered when they get home. Then tea then homework if any.

I have had thoughts in that direction yes, but could anyone really be that unkind? I agree that his manners are appalling but its only towards us and not other people he meets. My son is not a strong person and his ex has always made the decisions.

An alternative view is that this is a little boy who has a fair bit to cope with and that expecting "manners" may be just making an issue about something that is not, currently, important. Focus on the things he likes to do. Change your behaviour around the "meeting and greeting" bits. Get quirky on him maybe. Turn up at school in fancy dress or pink hair or something and say "I'm afraid its me again" . Think of some messy things you can do together. Make a den and eat crazy food like in the film Mermaids.
(i let mine run round the back yard in a thunderstorm, ripping his clothes off and screaming with joy last week. I regret not joining in. It was warm rain.)
If he senses you are fretting about this issue and that he has power, then he'll use it.
Just been staying with my GS, same age. Behaves much better for me when his mum not around - when she is there, he sometimes messes me about e.g. I want mummy to clean my teeth not you etc
After one such episode I am sitting patiently, waiting for mummy to do the honours before we set off for school. He's glaring at me. Then he says, in a reflective tone: "Nana's going tomorrow. I should have been nicer."

Not a nice situation. I also think it's bad mannered, and that it's his Dad that needs to get to the bottom if it. However, now that you've explained a bit more about what his Mum is like, is it possible that she's telling him to behave like this towards you? If you're picking him up from school and looking after him then his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Surely when the boy is with his Dad, Dad can make the rules about what is allowed? If the parents are separated, the Mum can't make the rules for Dad as well as if the rules were agreed between them?

Even when parents do live together, kids can do different things with different parents without there being a problem.

As for the Mum "screaming down the phone", well, I suspect there lies the reason for the little boy's manner towards his paternal grandparents.

Sad.

My children didn't even have a television to watch!
It does seem as though this little boy is being bad mannered and that is something his father needs to address. Whether the little one likes you or not - and sad to say that seems to me to be what's going on here - there is no excuse for ill manners. It may have its roots in a dozen different causes, but is it possible that he resents the time he spends with you because of some misplaced anger towards his dad?

It is I agree but she is his mum. When my son put the television on for him one time he went home and told his mum and we got screamed at down the phone for going against her wishes.

I was thinking exactly the same thing Tegan. Strange rule.

His mum won't let him watch television during the week. Its her decision so we have to go along with it when he is with us too.