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Help me please

(50 Posts)
Missstripeysocks Mon 17-Jun-13 16:34:48

Hi everyone I am new here and decided I needed other grans help...I apologise in advance for how long this might be...
.I have a 20yr old son who has a beautiful little girl...
in the beginning of his relationship he was just casually seeing a girl who ended up pregnant within a month ...
I accepted this but found out that she had also slept with someone else during the same time....trying not to judge but obviously worried I sent my son a personal message asking if he was sure he was the dad and saying no matter what I would stand by him ...
This ended up with his partner going into his private messages and reading what was for my son
she then demanded she was to be marched up to my house and told my son he was to shout at me in front of her or else! I felt awful but was adamant that I was only doing what any concerned mother would do and was asking to make sure
...meanwhile she demanded that I apologise or else I wouldn't get to see my future grandchild...
That was just the start of it ....
I also had my concerns because prior to this she lost a baby to someone else just a few months earlier who died of complications which I had full sympathy for as I have been through the same...
but I couldn't help but feel she got pregnant so quickly as a replacement ?
Anyway since this has all happened I feel as if we are living a nightmare ...I apologised then at the time to keep the peace and for the sake of my son and future grandchild..
my granddaughter was born and at the beginning for a few weeks she was fine with me seeing her ...
problems have arisen along the way in that my sons partner is very controlling I constantly have him up here telling me horrific stories like she locks him in the house..doesn't give him any money..threatens to slit her wrists...won't let him have any contact with family and friends...etc the list goes on it kills me to see him like this but he won't listen to any advice makes it up with her then i don't see him until the next big argument..
But her latest tool is my grandchild she makes every excuse up as to why I can't see her
.then says its my fault because I couldn't babysit once when I was going out, my son comes up every now and then and says he can only stay for half an hour...
or she says I can have her then changes it at the last minute so I can't..the final straw was being told i couldn't see her on her birthday to give her presents but her family were all there I was even told what I had to buy!
The latest blow is that my son has told me I am not welcome in there house which upset him...I asked her what I had ever done to deserve this and she says I owe her an apology because my sister said to my son he was being controlled by her ? And was upset because my son wasn't allowed to go to her wedding
None of it makes any sense I can't deal with it anymore I just want to see my granddaughter ive only looked after her twice but she does everything in her power to prevent it ...I am also out of my mind with worry for my son the whole thing is a mess from start to finish .....has anyone dealt with this that can offer me any advice sorry its long and a bit jumbled ..there is a lot more i could have said she has done but it would take forever to write down ...I am heartbroken and have tried to appease this girl but can't take much more .

janerowena Mon 17-Jun-13 16:48:55

She's trying to mould everyone around her into the perfect life (for her), isn't she. A partner who gives in to every whim, a motherinlaw who does as she is told, and is scared to interfere, and even if your son leaves her he will still have to pay maintenance. I'd be so tempted to go for DNA testing, you can buy kits online.

Because, once that is at least cleared out of the way, your son can decide how he wishes to proceed. He may not care who the father is, if he feels like the father that may be enough for him, but at least he will see the girl clearly for what she is if she has lied.

If he stays she is going to put him through hell, if he leaves he may have to pay maintenence if he really is the father. You must know all that of course, but your poor son probably can't think as clearly as you can. Poor boy. I hope my 18 year-old never has that happen to him.

Greatnan Mon 17-Jun-13 17:00:44

This is an awful situation for you and your son. Why does he need her to give him money - does he not have a job? If she controls the finances, it puts her in a position of power.
I am afraid there is very little you can do if your son insists on staying with her - he is an adult - and he may love the child and be afraid of losing contact.

Missstripeysocks Mon 17-Jun-13 17:32:42

My son works and hands over every penny ...I may have forgot to mention that they live together and his daughter is his double's the mess of a relationship that upsets me i never wanted this for him and his life he was just about to go off to New Zealand when it all happened

Movedalot Mon 17-Jun-13 18:13:14

I think you are far from alone in this. I don't understand what motivates these women, they must have total control and seem to be scared of their partner's mother as if she is some sort of threat to them. I wish I had the answer but I don't think there is one. flowers

Deedaa Mon 17-Jun-13 21:33:15

Your son is still very young, is this situation likely to last? Although if they did break up you might risk losing your granddaughter altogether. It sounds as if things are getting worse, do you think your son will put up with it for ever? I don't think there is much you can do at present, just be as supportive as you can when you do see him. Perhaps you could do some research into what his legal rights will be if it all goes horribly wrong.

hummingbird Mon 17-Jun-13 22:30:31

I can't add more in the way of advice, Missstripeysocks, just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through such a terrible time. Keep strong flowers

Aka Mon 17-Jun-13 23:13:28

I can't add more either. This is an awful situation. My heart goes out to you flowers

glammanana Mon 17-Jun-13 23:30:45

It is a very sad situation to be in,sounds as if his GF is very needy has she contact with her own mother,have you spoken to her mother about the problem if she is on the scene,some youngsters (and that is what they are just kids) just have not got the idea that Grandparents can make life so so much easier for them by giving them some much needed respite and some quality time alone,they have obviously not been in their relationship for very long and are really just getting to know each other,and I am not making excuses for the attitude from your sons GF,she probably feels threatened by your relationship with your boy and his with you.Can your OH not speak to your son and have a chat with him or maybe you arrange to meet the GF in a mutual place and try and clear the air it may be worth a shot.Keep strong and keep the communication open.(((hugs)))

Aka Mon 17-Jun-13 23:52:54

What I forgot to add is do keep posting missstripesocks it truly helps to talk.

Missstripeysocks Tue 18-Jun-13 11:56:38

The girlfriend has says she doesn't like me and I am not welcome in there home despite doing nothing wrong ...I've only ever been kind towards her...she has has a bit of a troubled past which includes setting fire to her parents house...even though alarm bells were ringing I did my best not to judge her but its hard when my son tells me all these awful things when they have fallen out like she locks him in the house threatens to slit her son said she might be able to talk to me if someone else was there to hold her back incase she kicks off ...I truly am at a loss as I really haven't ever said or done anything to her,she takes great insult at anything such as I couldn't pick her up once and she demanded i do it but my husband had my keys...we offered to pay a taxi for her but she refused it and then that was something else for her to hate me for ? I am starting to believe she has mental issues ?

Grannyknot Tue 18-Jun-13 12:10:16

missstripeysocks so sorry for you in this situation. Sounds like she may hate you whatever you do so you may as well find a way through for yourself to retain your integrity e.g. you do not have to say "How high" when she says "jump" - she demanded you pick her up!? You don't have to accept unacceptable behaviour and you can say when it is. Time to push back a bit, be more assertive.

You can also reflect your concerns back to your son without expecting him to end the relationship. I think it is safe to say when someone has set fire to their parents house there is a more than a bit of a troubled past.

Nelliemoser Tue 18-Jun-13 12:41:07

missstripey It sounds as though what is happening to your son is domestic abuse. There may not be any actual violence but it seems she is trying to totally control him and that is not acceptable. It is emotional abuse.
There is an organisation for men who suffer domestic abuse and that could give you more information so you could support him. There are other sites for men facing these problems.

He needs to protect his mobile phone or computer with passwords or whatever so she cannot access any of his messages. You might well be right about her having mental health issues or she is very troubled after possible having had an abusive child hood.

Do offer your son support he will need it. I feel for you as my DS is in a relationship I feel could easily go like this. No kids involved but I always get an uneasy feeling about them. She is as nice as ninepence to your face though.
Take care. ((hugs))

Missstripeysocks Tue 18-Jun-13 13:23:19

Your right it is abuse and I have told my son this...she has to have total control over everything and as soon as she doesn't get it she flips...I even get told what I must buy and at Xmas I was excited to have my granddaughters first xmas I bought all her presents and had planned we would watch her open them...only to be told that I wasnt allowed and i was to drop them off...there are so many things it breaks my heart...
I have told my son the door remains open whenever he needs to talk and that we would support him if he needs to leave...
He always says yes he has had enough then the next day they have made up and me and my husband are the bad ones again !!
I know I can't win because she is his girlfriend and the mother of his child...but I am so fed up the latest thing is she is pushing or them to get married!

sunseeker Tue 18-Jun-13 13:40:19

We had a friend who married a woman like this - and I'm afraid things did not improve. It was a second marriage for both of them, she gradually cut him off from his children from his first marriage, made him make a Will leaving everything to her and her children and disinheriting his children. He couldn't go out without her and on the rare occasions he did she would track him down and make a scene. Gradually all his friends were frozen out, my DH kept the friendship going for as long as he could but in the end could not get our friend to do anything without her (we would invite them out as a couple but she always refused, I think because my DH was a very strong character and she knew he wouldn't take any nonsense).

Your son needs to take a long look at his relationshiip with her and ask himself if this is the life he wants.

I do feel sorry for your predicament and hope you manage to find a way to keep in contact with your GD.

annsixty Tue 18-Jun-13 13:42:06

The heading on this post is Help me Please and the sad fact is that in a situation like this there is very little anyone can do except offer support and a listening ear and hope for all their sakes things get better.

maxgran Tue 18-Jun-13 13:50:55

I often bite my tongue when my DiL is being controlling or annoying because she is the mother of my grandchildren, However - if she did something like read my son's messages and then thought she could confront me and demand I apologise for something I had said in a private message to my son I am afraid she would be put in her place in no uncertain terms.

Pandering to a person like that just makes them more powerful and worse!

I would hate not to see my grandsons - however I would not be bullied or disrespected to that extent. Sometimes you have to make a stand even if the consequences cause you some pain.

petra Tue 18-Jun-13 13:52:21

I have full sympathy for you; but my concern is the child. Sooner or later your son will come to his senses and leave; after all, he is only twenty.
The girl obviously has some problems; setting fire to her parents house!, the total control she seems to crave.
I hate to be blunt, but the writing is on the wall that this 'relationship' is doomed, married or not. And when it does end you will not see the child.
Once again, total sympathy.

Missstripeysocks Tue 18-Jun-13 14:03:07

Thank you for your kind messages I have decided that the best way forward is to hope and pray that my son will bring my granddaughter to see me ...I may have to accept the very limited times I can see her as it appears his partner is relishing causing me so much us grandparents have any rights at all to our grandchildren? I would go to a solicitor but fear this may make things worse....
I think I may have to toughen up a bit because she is causing me so much pain I am 40 and have a 2 yr old and a 14 yr old to concentrate on as well the whole situation is mentally draining !

j08 Tue 18-Jun-13 14:43:51

You're forty?!

j08 Tue 18-Jun-13 14:46:15

Perhaps you need to think why she doesn't' t like you. The message querying the paternity couldn't' have helped. hmm

Missstripeysocks Tue 18-Jun-13 15:17:04

Hi jo8 actually yes I have thought long and hard about was asked because she was seeing my son at the same time as someone else...he had only been with her weeks when I asked was a private message which was sent to my son asking if he was sure the baby was his and no matter what I would stand by him.....she went into his private mail and opened it and read a concerned mother I felt I had every right to ask...and in the end I apologised even though I didn't feel I should after all it was a private message ....and yes I am 40 ?

janthea Tue 18-Jun-13 15:20:30

jo8 Strange remark to make! What difference does her age make?

Grannyknot Tue 18-Jun-13 15:23:18

j08 it's not too strange that stripeysox is a gran at 40, lots of people have their first child by the time they're 20...

Missstripeysocks Tue 18-Jun-13 15:28:26

If it makes you feel any better I am 41 in a few weeks ...