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AIBU

Tell me I am being silly......

(43 Posts)
Howjado Tue 23-Jul-13 17:01:34

In a 3 or 4 weeks my daughter is about to give me my first grand child. She lives about one and half hours drive away. She has always told me only her husband will be present at the birth. I have no problem with that, I do not want to see her in pain but I did think I would be in the car park outside. I do so much want to be one of the first to see this baby.
My daughter and I are very close. We talk on the phone every day and I have been included in all the details of pregnancy. After that first visit I intended to drive home and leave them to it until they made contact with me again. They will have have lots and lots of visitors when they get home.
A few hours ago I was talking to her on the phone and I asked where I should park at the hospital. She told me she was not going to tell me when labour had started, as I would only worry, and that she would send me a photo of the new baby once it had arrived.
I was devastated at this news.
Thinking about it now, I don't suppose maternity units have corridors outside for anxious relatives and visitors are only allowed if the mother and baby go up to a ward. She tells me she could be discharged after 6 hours any way.
Just tell me I am being silly. How soon after the birth did you see your grand kids?

kittylester Tue 23-Jul-13 17:06:26

I think you are being a bit silly howjado. Obviously, you want to see the baby as soon as possible but the new parents need time together first. Kate and Will kept quiet for 4 hours.

We've usually got in the car to go and visit when DDs have told us to and not before!!

What about the other grandmother? What is she going to do?

I know it's exciting but it's a whole new era and you have to wait to be invited in IMHO.

Hope all goes well.

Marelli Tue 23-Jul-13 17:10:51

A good few hours before I saw mine, Howdjado. I think your daughter really does want this to be about her, her husband and the baby. I know it's hurting you a little bit, but try not to let it, because you'll have plenty of time to be with them all later on. You're not being silly - you're excited and no wonder! flowers

Anne58 Tue 23-Jul-13 17:12:04

Her baby, her birth plan, her way. Sorry, but you just have to accept it. Although of course all could change once she is actually in labour.

I must say that watching "One Born Every Minute" it does seem to have turned into a 3 ring circus for some families. If that's what they want, then fine, but horses for courses.

It wasn't that long ago that only fathers or "birth partners" were allowed in, now it seems like a bit of a free for all.

I'll never forget an episode of One Born where a woman's teenage son (aged17?) was in the room. I thought it wholly inappropriate. (It was also the one where the father was blowing up rubber gloves, bloody silly numpty!)

Ana Tue 23-Jul-13 17:13:47

I agree. Even with a first grandchild, grandparents have to take a back seat and wait to be invited! My DD did phone me at 5 in the morning to let me know the twins had arrived - but I waited until visiting time to go and see them all!

Bags Tue 23-Jul-13 17:14:10

She will want you to see the baby very soon after it's born but not necessarily the same day. Give her the space she wants and let her call the shots and all will be well.

I hope the birth goes splendidly. Enjoy your first grandchild. It is an incredibly exciting time! smile

Ariadne Tue 23-Jul-13 17:15:22

Yes, afraid you are, howjado! but understandable, nevertheless.. It's a whole new ball game; close you may be to your DD (as I am to mine) but she is now creating her own closeness, her own family. Of course you will be a big part of their lives, but she's decided (rightly, IMHO) that step one is for her and her husband alone.

We have always been ready to visit a new DGC, of course, but only when invited. Which was always very, very soon!

Prepare for a lovely time being a gran - there is nothing like it in the world.

Anne58 Tue 23-Jul-13 17:16:51

Very well put, Ariadne

Butty Tue 23-Jul-13 17:21:12

Howjado - Yep, I think you're being a tad silly. I'm sure you'll see your new grandchild within a day or two. Hope all goes well.

How soon after did I see my grandchildren? After 6 weeks with the first, and 6 months after the second - they live in America. It was earlier if you factor in photos send via mobile phone, and Skype. It was wonderful to see how bonnie they were. smile

Galen Tue 23-Jul-13 17:22:01

Several weeks as she wanted them to bond. His parents saw her the next day! But I suppose she couldn't tell them to keep away.
Part of the problem was I couldn't drive at the time and she didn't want to come down to me with a new baby.

j08 Tue 23-Jul-13 17:40:40

"in the car park outside". grin Waiting to pounce?

Gorki Tue 23-Jul-13 17:43:25

It was well over a week although we only live 10 miles away. The hospital was allowing only husbands/partners to visit at the time and they had to stay in longer because of complications. On the other hand when my daughter had her twins at the same hospital six years previously she was descended upon by all and sundry within a few hours. In retrospect she feels this was a bad thing. She did not have the space to bond and the time to get the feeding sorted out. There is no hurry and those early photos are lovely.

JessM Tue 23-Jul-13 17:43:33

These days there is a lot of fretting about bonding between babies and mums and in particular between babies and dads. This sometimes gets taken to quite extreme lengths galen hmm. Suspect it is sometimes an excuse for : i feel unsure of myself and I am scared my mother will take over.
I remember my mother, who lived in her parents home, saying "I was afraid your nana would take you over so I breastfed you all the time".
You are being a little bit over sensitive OP, maybe because you had this clear picture in your head of you waiting in the wings, just waiting for your cue to join in the action. Those of us who have sons (or daughters who are not so attentive) are less likely to assume that we will be the first visitors.
It is a stage we have to go through - taking a step back from being "the mum" of the family when the first grandchild arrives.

wisewoman Tue 23-Jul-13 17:48:52

It is thoughtful of her NOT to tell you when she is in labour. When my son and his wife were having their baby at home they told us that labour had started and we spent a day pacing (with the other grandparents) up and down and wondering how they were and why we hadn't heard etc etc. Couldn't concentrate of anything, couldn't think straight. When the babe arrived after many many hours of waiting, wondering and imagining, we were all shattered. Much better to be told baby has arrived safely without all that anxiety!!! As others have said it is a whole new relationship and a whole new family and you have to wait to be asked. Give them some time together.

bluebell Tue 23-Jul-13 17:51:39

No you are not being silly- I would have felt exactly the same ( and I'm not silly either grin )but you are getting good advice on here about just waiting to be invited and that it won't be long - she'll be longing to show him/ her off anyway before very long. Let us know when you do see the baby.

KatyK Tue 23-Jul-13 18:06:00

My SIL was at the birth of our only GC but as soon as my daughter had given birth he phoned us and said come to the hospital, which we did. We were more than happy with that.

BAnanas Tue 23-Jul-13 18:18:42

My opinion is that the maternal grandmother can usurp the position of the baby's father if she is faffing around too much at the outset, that's what happened to my son, his partner's mother was in the delivery room ruling the roost and my son was made to feel superfluous this did not bode well for his future relationship with this woman. I'm speaking from a paternal grandmother's point of view, our side of the family was summoned to look at our granddaughter when she was 48 hours old. She is my first grandchild and my husband's 4th. Personally I wasn't bothered about that, like a lot of newborn babies in the early stages of their lives, she looked like the spawn of Gengis Khan, I say that because the other grandmother got some professional photographer to take her photo 1 day old and this was then presented to us and other members of both sides of the family as a calendar. I can't believe anyone would bother getting a newborn baby's photo taken by a so called professional photographer as they are rarely at their best. Worst of all unbeknown to my son at the time he was then expected to pay for this excess. We have taken numerous and much better photos of her on our own camera.

I would hasten to add she rapidly turned into an adorable baby and little girl. I love spending time with her now aged 3 and a quarter, I had her all day yesterday and we had a lovely time, in spite of the heat, she rode her scooter to a nearby park, I read her "The Minpins" and in appreciation she gathered some dead leaves and planted them in one of our planters and then spent a happy time with the watering can trying to revive them!

I'm always bothered by girls who have to ring their mothers umpteen times a day, I think if that influence is too strong it can stop them becoming their own person and doubt their ability as a mother, but then maybe I'm talking from personal experience.

Mishap Tue 23-Jul-13 18:31:27

I have 3 daughters and their approach has been different every time.

DD1 wanted me there at every birth and her OH was fine with this. I was there throughout labour with her first and then she went in to theatre for a C section and I waited outside. For no.2 I was there at the birth - and it was a precious experience. For no.3 she called but we failed to get there on time - just about an hour later.

DD2 was very clear that she did not want anyone other than her OH there. In point of fact with babe 1 she was in such a state that her OH rang us and I was with her for about an hour before she too had to go to theatre. With babe no.2 she chose to just have OH there - I have to say that I did not want to be there in fact as she had chosen a home birth and I believed it to be an unwise decision in view of the previous problems. I would have been very worried if I had been there - she was rushed to hospital part way through, as we had predicted she would (but said nowt of course!).

DD3 also opted to have just her OH there.

It is a difficult one howjado and I can understand you feeling a bit put out - but I have a very close and good relationship with all my DDs and they all made different choices, so I just went with the flow. They have their reasoins for their decisions, and it is very important that you do not take it personally. They are excited that they are creating a new little family uinit; and it is not about you personally.

I was very lucky that my first DD wanted me to be there and I count it as a great privilege - but it is not a right; and it is not a slight if they make a different choice.

You need to think longterm - you want to have a good ongoing relationship with your DD in her new role as a mother - it really does change your relationship and this is the first step on the way to changes that will create a new and richer relationship for the future.

Do not above all else make her feel uncomfortable about her decision. There are wonderful and precious times ahead and what she needs from you is unfailing support. Hang on to the joy that is to come.

If you watched the episode of One Born where the mother insisted on being there and the couple were raising their eyebrows at each other behind her back you will wish to avoid that scenario at all costs! - it was truly ghastly!

And to be fair to your DD, it is just 6 months ago that I spent many hours willing the phone to ring as I knew DD3 was in labour and I worried throught - maybe your DD is doing you a favour by not telling you!

There is lots to enjoy waiting round the corner - hang on to that!

Tegan Tue 23-Jul-13 18:41:38

You could end up in the car park for hours. I don't live very far from the hospital where grandchild number one was born and was at the end of the phone for hours [she'd been in hospital for a couple of days]. When we did get the call to say the birth was going to be very soon, I arrived on the ward just after the crash team had left. Everything was fine [ventouse delivery in the end] but the crash team were there just in case. Had I seen them go in I think I would still be recovering from the shock now. And anyway Howjado, next time they'll probably be needing you to look after this one. With baby number two I was just on call to look after the first one and told everyone I worked with that, when I got the call they wouldn't see me for dust [they didn't] even though it was still another day and a half before he appeared ['mum, you told me second ones just popped out' my daughter said grumpily afterwards']. I'd watched her in labour for 24 hours and it wasn't fun.

KatyK Tue 23-Jul-13 18:47:50

One or two people on this thread have mentioned being 'close' to their daughters. As life progresses, do you ever wonder whether you are/were as close as you thought you were? (If that makes sense). I used to think I was very close to my daughter. Events over the past few years have made me think that maybe the closeness was more on my part - or that I just wanted to think that we were. Sorry if that sounds a bit jumbled.

Howjado Tue 23-Jul-13 18:56:23

Thanks for all your advice everyone.
You are right; she's the mummy now.
I will stand way back and wait for the invite.

Marelli Tue 23-Jul-13 19:02:48

KatyK, I know what you mean. I always thought I was really close to my daughters - one in particular. Then, as often happens, life took over and I learned quite a sharp lesson. sad

BAnanas Tue 23-Jul-13 19:07:05

I was very close to my mother as a child, my father being both irascible and aloof. During the middle period of my life I was busy working and then having children and then working again and my phone calls to my mother were not on a daily basis. The best time of our relationship was in her final five years when we had marvellous one to one days and that's probably when I had the both the time and inclination to ask her about her life and get to know her adult to adult. I feel very blessed that my mother had all her marbles towards the final stages of her life and we had that precious time together.

KatyK Tue 23-Jul-13 19:12:03

Marelli - that's it exactly a sharp lesson. However, as you say life takes over. I felt very sorry for myself at one point, began to think I wasn't good enough. It's just life. Gransnetters helped me at the time.
Howjado - try not to be sad. Your daughter still needs you as you will find out when baby comes home.

Marelli Tue 23-Jul-13 19:24:20

A few of my friends have spoken along these lines, BAnanas. Wishing that we could have the last few years of our mothers' lives back again, so that we could understand better how they felt about things. Perhaps I would have thought of myself as being a better daughter if I'd been able to understand my mother better. I would like her to have seen me and known me when I became older, too.