cut out of thier lives 2

There have been many, many threads on this forum where people have shared painful experiences. They have been offered support, consolation and often, advice. Some of it robust. And some of it expressed in uncompromising terms. I don't understand why this thread is seen by a very few to be so different and so special that the wise words of others can be described as 'causing a problem'.

If anyone posts on a public forum they need to understand that they cannot have, nor should they have, any control over others who may make a contribution.

No one is obliged to take any advice but keeping an open mind about possible ways forward, is always prudent.

Hello Nanban. Can you say what you mean about "for those of you who think you may be causing a problem, go find another forum, or maybe start one of your own etc". I don't know who you are suggesting should leave this thread, or this forum.
I agree with your wish that 2014 is a year when life changes for the better for many of our friends on this forum.

I have been away for a while but had heard that this thread is upsetting to some which is a huge shame. It has till now always been a place of great comfort and understanding in the lives of some who are going through hellish dark days.

For those of you who are suffering the never-ending grief of being cut off from the lives of your children, please don't stop posting. If some messages appear that are less than understanding, ignore them, don't take them to heart or be upset, you have too much in life to cope with already.

For those of you who think you may be causing a problem, go find another forum, or maybe start one of your own. People on this topic are too sore and vulnerable.

I so want 2014 to be a year when life changes for the better for my friends here.

penstemmon I agree with your second sentence, though not your first. There are things I thought I understood but when it happened to me I found I had no idea at all.

But an outsider offering constructive advice can, as you say, sometimes see something that is not apparent to those in a hurtful situation. This is especially true of dysfunctional relationships.

celeb I do not want to go around in circles on here but I truly think people can understand situations without having been in them.

I understand it is comforting to know others are in a similar plight but sometimes the people who can offer the most constructive help are those outside a situation as their offers of supportive advice may not be so clouded by their own painful experiences.

So sorry goose that things still hard for you.

I remember did you not sadly lose your dog and the girls met to support you?

Was hoping things would progress better for you they haven't.

At least you saw 2 of them try look o. Bright side that is all we can do and [cake] unless like me you been overindulging lately !

children can seem to be so cruel not all of course, I thanks god every day for our son but is hell to. To be able see. My daughter for so very long.

Several of us on here going through hell and we all support each other and even manage smile sometimes!

I used to come on this thread a lot as my three daughters all stormed out of my life nearly three years ago and there's been very little contact - until recently. This Christmas I again spent on my own, with not even a text message from any of them. They were together with their partners, plus my two grandchildren, one whom I've never seen. My youngest daughter did come and visit me on 27th Dec for a few hours, and my 'middle' one popped in for an hour on her way home, to see me. However my eldest daughter has not contacted me and still uses my grandchildren as what (feels like) ammunition against me, she doesn't acknowledge any gifts I send to her or my grandchildren. I am seriously considering giving up on her and just carrying on sending presents/cards to my unknown grandchildren, though (like some others on here) I have my suspicions that anything I send is not being passed on.
It's saddening to read so many of us are in this awful situation. It's good to share my feelings of total inadequacy and grief. to you all

Totally agree Dollie I could just about bear it if my daughter cut me off for whatever reason but to use my adored Grandaughter as a way to hurt me is so wrong.

Sadly I am not alone. I know my s I law is behind it but it still hurts like nothing else.

right back to topic.....

it is very difficult to accept the situation we find ourselves in through no fault of our own....it is easier i think to accept that our children choose to have nothing to do with us as parents but its the grandchildren that are suffering the consequences of their parents behaviour...too many parents use their children as a blackmailing tool against grandparents and i find this appalling!!!!

Penstemon everyone is entitled to their opinion naturally and yes that was not meant to sound otherwise thank you for realising that.
My point which seems to have been misconstrued it that naturally if you have first hand experience of family estrangement it is a whole different matter.

Hope this is clearer?

Do agree with Dollie this thread has been so helpful to so many we don't need any nit picking hope that makes sense? Otherwise people going through trauma of family breakdown will be discouraged from posting.

Dollie it is very disappointing like you mention that a thread which is lifeline for some of us can be used for other reasons.

It is all about help and support not criticism surely?

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

it never ceases to amaze me on forums how much comments are taken out of context and people taking comments personally!....it is difficult when you type words as they can come across to the person reading in the wrong way and this isnt intentional its what happens...

this thread is about supporting one another who are going through the same trauma! not nit picking and turning it into a childrens playground!!! come on grans lets me adult about this and draw a line under it before it gets out of hand...

celeb whoever you are?? Bit emotive and confrontational in tone! But perhaps you did not mean to sound like that?

Like you I expect Soutra is another Gransnet contributor. And equal as are we all to post thoughts.

celebgran What was that you were just saying about guidelines of common courtesy?

soutra whoever you are read Dollies post and take it on board.

I know

OK Aka I won't say any more, but "peace" works both ways you know.

Soutra I called for peace on this thread.

Is that my response,then?

"Well said aka and libra chick we really don't need these kind of comments."

So much for freedomn to comment on threads.
Which particular kind of comment were you objecting to? I tried very hard to raise a point withut giving offence, pity I was not accorded the same courtesy.

Librachick meant to add that counsellors do not take sides! So whatever your daughter says about you the counsellor will be professional about it!

Hi librachick thanks for your response. I had thought your DD wanted you to go together. My misunderstanding. But even separate sessions may help. Some 'couples' counselling does that and it can move the relationship on. I can't see it would be that different for parent/child. As I said before good luck.

celeb your response to my comment did make me feel as if you felt I should not offer advice if I did not have the same estrangement experience. I accept I could have misunderstood your question. That is what counselling taught me, that it is possible to misunderstand (for various reasons) situations/ comments etc & that it is good to accept that as a possibility. It also taught me how to work at looking at situations through someone else's eyes..even someone who has upset/betrayed/hurt you.. it really helped me.

depending on your gp and the area you live in the waiting time for seeing a counsellor is up to 6 months!!

Well said aka and libra chick we really don't need these kind of comments.

By way libra chick your posts are interesting and there is not a length limit!

Until smileless and yogagirl posted on here and now librachick there was not real action on this thread and we have all supported each other wonderfully through a very difficult period. Long may it continue.

Regarding nhs counselling in my area you have to. NOw refer yourself and answer questions to ascertain eligibility I was told as I fortunately not suffering clinical depression. Or suicidal thoughts I did not score enough to qualify for cognitive b.t. counselling.

As said before tried to find private counsellor but did not have much luck first person admitted could not help me 2nd I did not find helpful wasted bit money so gave up.

I did have excellent counsellor 5 years ago when first happened and still have notes he gave me which help, the I could see him at doctors surgery. All changed now.

Stansgran, nhs counselling is a vanishingly rare thing sadly. But, it is possible. Some GP surgeries have a counsellor GP's can refer patients to. Many towns have counselling services run by volunteers, the libraries usually have that kind of information. GP's can refer patients to the local adult psychology department. The government has put funding into cognitive behavioural therapy. There is some research suggesting 6 sessions of CBT can help individuals to make positive changes. Your GP would be the starting point. I'm not a huge fan of CBT in complex situations, but like you, I'd give anything a try if it'd help improve things.