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Yes I am being unreasonable and I know it....

(120 Posts)
Tegan Wed 07-Aug-13 09:53:55

I always had dreams of family holidays by the seaside and was planning to rent a large cottage in Cornwall next year and asking the kids and grandchildren to stay. My son says count him out as he has a holiday planned that will use up all of his annual leave and my daughter is getting very close with her in laws parents as her sister in law is pregnant and they are all getting together for a few days by the sea later this year. I can see this being an annual event. I feel sort of squeezed out. As I say, I do know I'm being unreasonable and I know I'm lucky that I see my family etc etc but at this moment in time I've got the lump in the throat/heavy feeling in the pit of the stomach thing that you get when you're a bit miserable. Years ago something similar happened when my neice and her husband started coming on holiday with us and her mother said rather sadly 'so this is the family holiday then?' I didn't understand what she meant at the time. I know I'm being really really silly but just wanted to offload a bit [sorry]. She says the SIL's mother loves having people to stay whereas the S.O. has had a slight grievance with my daughter and her husband for a few years; nothing on the surface but a few undercurrents that we all know are there [I think that's what's getting to me a bit].

kittylester Wed 07-Aug-13 12:12:55

Tegan - lots of things going on in your life at the moment, big changes, retirement looming etc, no wonder you feel 'abandoned'. sad

Can we organise another East Mids meetup or at least a coffee? You can chunter to your heart's content if you want to.

Our three daughters are trying to organise a big family holiday at Centre Parcs next year for the three of them, 3 SiL, 6 children and a dog. We are trying to find out the date so we can go in the opposite direction!! grin

I love all my children and grandchildren dearly (and quite like some of my SiL) but the idea of all of them together in alien surroundings fills me with horror - no escape!!

nightowl Wed 07-Aug-13 12:20:45

Me too Tegan. I know my mum longed to have a seaside holiday with my children but I never even gave her a day trip. And that's only the half of it. [Ashamedbuttoolate] emoticon sad

nightowl Wed 07-Aug-13 12:22:20

Great idea about another meet up kitty

pinkannie Wed 07-Aug-13 14:41:50

How about organising a weekend away instead of a longer period? This could be arranged somewhere where there is lots to do or near a theme park that the grandchildren would like. Perhaps you could get there early on Friday and cook a meal etc ready for everyone else to come after work/school. If you then had an 'outing' on Sat (or let people organise their own activitis and got fish and chips for tea. Then Sunday go for a pub lunch and everyone goes home afterwards. I know this works as a friend of mine has done it a couple of times for her (large) family as she only has a small flat and can't fit them all in. Just a suggestion - I can entirely agree that DC can be the devil to get to commit to doing anything!

Mishap Wed 07-Aug-13 15:08:51

Oh Tegan - how hard it is being a grandparent - or a parent for that matter!

We have a had several big family holidays which have worked out well - thank goodness. And I would love to do it every year! - but I have to bite the bullet and realise that the children have their own roads to follow in life and we cannot expect to do this all the time.

I know how you feel - I guess lots of us do - and it is hard.

You are not being unreasonable - as someone else said "just human."

I too share the thoughts in your last post - my Mum was a nagger and lacked the capacity to enjoy life, so being with her was not the joy it should have been. She and my dad moved to a holiday resort when they retired and assumed that we would all be there every summer for our holidays. But we did not go very often - I could not stand the atmosphere at home and did not want my children to have to endure it. But I can now understand how hurtful she must have found this.

I am chastened by my DDs' greater sensitivity towards us and never sure I deserve it.

Have a whole handful of hugs!!

Ella46 Wed 07-Aug-13 15:35:59

Henetha, I think you had a lucky escape not being able to rent half of your ds's house, there were a lot of opportunities for it to go wrong, and I bet the new 'best friend tenants' won't last long without a fall out of some kind.

I think a little distance is better in a relationship wink

Tegan Wed 07-Aug-13 16:08:18

If they were going with a group of friends I'd be fine about it; it's the thought that 'another granny' [who isn't their granny] will be able to see the children playing on the beach. My ex dropped by at the weekend as well, needing a lift..he was on his way to a meet up with a few of his uni chums [they used to be my friends as well]. I asked to be remembered to them sad. Funny how, sometimes our lives seem to 'implode'. But then I've never been good at visiting people and he was the one that kept the friendships going [and get togethers did involve a lot of drinking which I don't do]. But I've just been talking to someone whose life is far worse than mine and I'm feeling very selfish. Sometimes it's easier to have a grievance about something that is justified [then you can really get your teeth into it!] than one that is just a bit silly.

maxgran Wed 07-Aug-13 16:26:42

Tegan,.. I do identify with your last post!

We only have ourselves to blame sometimes. I am also bad at visiting people or keeping in regular touch with old friends and yet when they have had get togethers I have felt 'left out' !
I totally get the feeling when another granny ( blood related or not!) gets to spend time with your grandkids when you don't!
OK - yes, its selfish to feel this way - but you aware of that and so am I - and its the awareness that prevents our feelings becoming a problem for others hopefully!

Nothing wrong in a bit of wallowing or self pity - and then 'let it go!' - but pamper yourself a bit first. Thats what I do and then I feel ok and wonder why I was being so sensitive and vulnerable!
We deserve some self indulgence!

Hugs for all of us!

Nelliemoser Wed 07-Aug-13 17:29:45

tegan Don't beat yourself up. I have had the same thoughts on this topic of the happy family gatherings of others as well.

nanaej Wed 07-Aug-13 17:32:33

Tegan not sure if it would fill the gap or if it is finacially possible but why not just a women &children Autumn weekend? I go with my DDs &DGC . We leave the men behind.. You would get special time with DGCs and fewer people mean less opportunity for upsets!!

LizG Wed 07-Aug-13 17:38:54

Go easy on yourself Tegan, you are not being unreasonable. Find something you would like to do and as maxgran says, pamper yourself. When you feel a bit better talk to your son and daughter and see if something could be arranged for the future.

Something my sister once said stuck in my mind although it probably has nothing to do with this, but: 'Because we are strong people think we don't have feelings; stick a pin in us and we bleed just the same'.

maxgran Wed 07-Aug-13 19:12:09

LizG - So true - My kids think I am a strong woman because thats what I have shown them. I brought them up on my own from them being quite young and I had to be Dad & Mum to them,.They think I can cope with anything.

Sometimes I wish I had let them see my vulnerable side!

Galen Wed 07-Aug-13 19:24:19

I'm just grateful for what I get! As the mil is fit and live nearer she sees DGD twice a week. Me! At best once a month for less than 24hours!

kittylester Wed 07-Aug-13 19:45:08

I think we do try to maintain the illusion that we are not old and needy and it sometimes bites us on the bum!!

Galen Wed 07-Aug-13 20:06:28

When I have had a problem (as when I fell from the top of the stairs to the bottom (before DGD, )my dd did ask was I sure I didn't need her to come down.

merlotgran Wed 07-Aug-13 20:28:05

They say you are treated the way you allow others to treat you and I'm sure that's true. I find it hard to say No whenever the family need help and I now feel they don't think before asking. Now Mum is in a nursing home we're planning a holiday in September where we can renew old friendships and have some fun without any family pressure.

Marelli Wed 07-Aug-13 20:56:43

I've always been looked on as a 'coper', and my family perhaps see that as reason not to phone and say, "You ok, Mum?" My eldest daughter regularly goes on holiday with her in-laws, and though says she really hates it now, she still goes along with her DH and DGD. They visit their house a few times a week, but rarely come here, although it's no further away than the in-laws. My younger DD has estranged herself again, and I'm just so, so glad that I still have steady and regular contact with her daughters (my adult granddaughters).
I really would love my family to 'want' me more, and recognise that I have to not show my neediness! I really do understand what Tegan is saying, and how she might be feeling sad.
Most of my friends have families who are always there for them, and offering to help with things - popping in now and again - that sort of thing, but mine just aren't like that.

KatyK Wed 07-Aug-13 21:25:15

Marelli. I can identify with what you say. Lots of cars in our road at weekends with offspring visiting moms/dads/grandparents but rarely outside our house. Feel that we've done something wrong.

henetha Wed 07-Aug-13 21:59:35

Thank you, Ella46. I think you might have a point actually. Maybe it is best to hang on to our independence for as long as we can. But it's just the thought of living alone for the rest of my life...... However, onwards and upwards! I will survive!.

There is a sneaky little part of me that hopes they all fall out, but I'm trying to rise above these unworthy thoughts!!! smile.
I ought to be, and AM, pleased that my son now has a tenant to ease his mortgage worries....truly I am!

Ella46 Wed 07-Aug-13 22:07:25

Henetha grin I'm on my own too and it is daunting sometimes, but at least I don't have to look after a bad tempered grumpy old man!

j08 Wed 07-Aug-13 22:10:33

"there is a sneaky little part of me that hopes they all fall out"

That is so honest! grin


Tegan Wed 07-Aug-13 23:01:59

A woman after my own heart wink.

Ella46 Wed 07-Aug-13 23:11:14

We're just human wink

gracesmum Wed 07-Aug-13 23:13:29

Tegan I am coming to this a bit late so much of what I would have said has been said. But I know exactly where you are coming from. Dare I cynucally suggest you might have read too many Rosamund Pilcher/Maeve Binchy/ Joanna Trollope books at some tiime in your life and have a (rose tinted) view of a lovely multi generational holiday with you at the heart of this lovely extended family where everybody has a wonderful time,,meals cook themselves and there is lashings of ginger beer?? What I think you should do, is book yourself a holiday somewhere exotic that they will be dead jealous of and then you add innocently "But I had offered to take all of us on holiday but you were booked" .Friends of ours did this about 20years ago when their teenage children were kicking up over "family holidays" and wanted to go away on their own so the parents decided to go on safari to Kenya. Amazingly, the kids decided they really wanted a family hol after all (as M&D were of course paying for it.)As I said I can feel your pain only too well - and I see I am not alone, but this time - look after number one!

JessM Thu 08-Aug-13 06:18:48

grin Good idea
The last time we organised anything with a lot of family (his mum, his 3 sisters, their families and some American visitors with 3 children) was the xmas after we got married. Very long story... we rented some cottages in the country, storms, people getting lost, power off in one cottage for the duration etc
A day or two in we were saying "i don't think we'll do this for another five years" This went up to decades. My SIL, the original sunbeam, said it had all been a breeze and such an easy way to do xmas. hmm Nobody fell out, but it was the first time I said the F word in front of my straight laced MIL (this was the woman who told her grown up son off for saying Bog Off in front of a 6 week old baby)
I should explain that the reason for this outburst was that the cousin of someone who had been my lodger had been murdered by the other side in the Maze prison . The only terrorist I have ever spoken to on the phone!