So upset

Jammie, best wishes across the miles ,

Jammie I feel for you and understand why you are so upset. What I have found is some people are tossers. In their minds they are never wrong and an apology is not necessary. It isn't worth you making yourself ill over this, but I agree with you, let the first visit be at your home. The migraine excuse is good, then send them an invitation for dinner at your house when you are good and ready, hopefully in a week or two. Best wishes

Hi Jammie,

I have just read your thread and am so sorry you are feeling so badly.

As I read your words I was however reminded of the heartache of grandparents on this forum who are not able to see their grandchildren because of a falling out with their children/family feud.

The pain you feel now would, of course, be nothing compared to the pain of not seeing your grandchildren? I just worry that this invitation could possibly be an olive branch and if you are unable to take it, then it might be a while before their is another.

Once you are there, would not the joy of spending time with your grandchildren ease the pain you feel in your SIL's prescence? I have my grandson here with me today, and one hug, one smile from him, makes every worry of mine, every pain fade away. I guess what I am saying is that the giving and receiving of love from your grandchildren is surely much, much greater than the pain/awkwardness of seeing your SIL. No matter how unjust he was, how horrible it was, how uncomfortable a meeting may be, can you not just focus on the grandchildren who you love so much. Nothing will ever be more important to me than seeing my grandchildren.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Hmm. I think you need to have some self respect. I don't know what the awful thing was that the OP was accused of, but as it was untrue, I think she is owed an apology. Or, at the very least, assurance from her daughter that she understands it is untrue. It needs calm sorting out.

I don't think real, deep down, heart of the matter self-respect is dented by what other people think. If one knows one is not in the wrong even if other people think one is, one's self-respect is not damaged. One's feelings may be hurt, but that's not the same.

I agree with those who suggest swallowing pride and accepting the invitation as an olive branch.

I have plenty of self respect, but if my daughter gave any indication of wanting to see me, or speak to me, I would welcome her with open arms. I might feel differently about an in-law. What is the point of patting yourself on the back for having self respect when your heart is aching for your child?

Pride can be so destructive, as can holding onto something when there is no benefit it doing so.

One has to let go sometimes , IMO, cannot keep hankering for what cannot be !!

If you have not read the 'denied contact' and 'cut out of their lives' threads on here, I suggest you do. It would be dreadful if you became one of those grandmothers. I would urge you to make that invitation as soon as you can.
I have been in a slightly similar position myself in the past, and my soon-to-be-ex SIL usually avoided being in the same room as me. The word 'sorry' just doesn't feature in his vocabulary.
I look forward to hearing how it goes when you break the ice.

If it was me I would prefer to wait a week or two so I would have time to pull my self together. Jammie is fragile at the moment and I think she would be more comfortable at her own house. I would also be concerned that feeling as upset as she is at this time may lead to a row. In a week or so she hopefully will be ready to face the SIL without feeling too stressed.

I would also advise when seeing the SIL to act if nothing at all has happened.

Could your daughter and the children come to see you at your house? Do you usually only see them at their house?

Have you really lost a lot of weight in only a month? Maybe you should see the doctor about that.

I recently went to visit my daughter and husband after a year of arguments and upsets between my husband and them with me and the grandchildren in the middle. I have realised that nothing matters except my grandchildren and them having a safe and secure family around them. After months of problems about my husband saying he will not stay with my daughter and so on and so forth I eventually decided that what he thought or what they thought had nothing to do with my grandchildren and so I took off to stay with them for a week leaving hubby at home.
So what I am trying to say to you JammieB make yourself get over the feeling of not wanting to go to the dinner your daughter has asked you to, put your resentment, fear and anger to one side.
It will be a big mistake to turn away from an olive branch. Daughter's and son's will always take their partners side and you will lose in the end.
I have been pushed to chose who I love most between my husband (who is not my daughter's dad) and my grandchildren and although I did not want to in the end I chose them above all the grownups because that is the right thing to do. Forget what your SIL has done or said, forget everything apart from seeing your grandchildren.
Do not allow your daughter to be estranged from you by the SIL you are the one who has to make this work, no one else can do it for you.
In truth it doesn't matter what they accuse you of you know that you are right and that is all that matters. I hope I have not said to much.

Have you really lost a lot of weight in only a month? Maybe you should see the doctor about that. He might be able to help you over this stressful patch too.

JammieB you know you did nothing wrong so why not go to dinner with your head held high? If you choose not to go you will have another week or more to dwell on the situation, would it not be better to get this first visit over with?

Jammie If you really cannot see them that soon, could you fix a date yourself a couple of weeks away and work toward getting yourself stronger by then? Phone and say that you are so sorry but you have found a previous appointment on the day they have suggested, but invite them to yours on a day of your choosing. On your own ground you will be able to do it.

juneh I have read what you said and totally agree with your views on the situation JammieB finds herself in. As a senior member of the family it is up to you to be the bigger person and put your feelings on the back burner, you may not get a second chance to rectify the situation.

Surely this is an olive branch and perhaps being in the wrong they feel more secure on their home ground. MyDH is a great one for making excuses not to visit DDs and their husbands and the less one sees of them the thinner the ties get. Accept every invitation and take a couple of pain Killers before you go(as a placebo) making a headache before you set out as an excuse not to have a drink in case you say what you think. Don't become the MIL from hell. You are the grown up. They are still in the playground and simply by going you will have the higher moral ground if it makes you feel better.

Personally I only lurk on Facebook as my late brothers children post and as they can't be bothered to communicate with me it's the only way I can see they are safe and well but apart from that I think it can be a destructive place.

I do think it would be important to go. If SiL is still a bit touchy he will see your 'migraine' for what it is and would do even if it was genuine!
Least said, soonest mended and in my opinion a quick resolution is better than a protracted one in family matters! Good luck with your decisions!

Reading these posts again I realised that the dinner may have actually been and gone by now. In that case I so hope you did go, and that it went well. If it didn't go well or you felt uncomfortable, I hope you were able to rise above that and just enjoy being with your daughter and grandchildren. I still think that whatever may have happened it was the right thing to go and that a refusal/excuse would be very likely to make more problems in the future. But hopefully you did and the first move is now passed.

Please come back and tell us how it went.

Always grab an olive branch with both hands and do the best you can with it. Only good can come of it and only negativity can come from not taking advantage. Wars of any kind, however big or small, solve nothing, but the talking at the end paves the way for better times.

I know you feel you really can't go but could you not say you are not feeling great today but don't want to miss the visit, would it be ok if you only came for tea?

I think this dinner was to have taken place on Sunday and I hope you are going to bring us up to date on what's been happening. In fact, I do hope that for the sake of your relationship with your GC, you managed to overcome your repugnance to your SiL who is, after all, their father.

I wonder if JammieB was in a bad place prior to the accusation and falling out. There is something about one of the posts in this thread that suggest to me perhaps things weren't going well emotionally anyway and her reaction to the accusation and dinner has been compounded by it.