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to move away from my family?

(51 Posts)
maisiegreen Sun 29-Sep-13 14:10:29

My dh and I live in Gloucestershire. We've been here for 20 years, longer than I've lived anywhere, my husband has retired, and we (especially me) feel like a change of scene. Our house is too large for us and old (I.e. a moneypit) and the garden is also large.
So, we went on holiday in East Five and saw a house we really
Iiked. We could rent out this place and buy the other house but - we live centrally to our three adult children, and only an hour from my elderly parents. I so want to move, and part of me thinks we could do it, then the other half says no.
I do have a brother and sister, one of whom lives near my parents, but doesn't, understandably, want to be primary carer because of that, and one who lives in Peterborough. Both my parents are independent at the moment.
Anyway, any thoughts would be gratefully received.

wisewoman Mon 30-Sep-13 10:27:50

I think it is true that there comes a time when we wonder if "this is it". Usually after retirement we have a few years of really enjoying the freedom it brings but then, there are signs of aging in ourselves and our friends and it seems like it is downhill all the way. The chat with old friends and neighbours seems to be about illnesses and medication and I can understand the desire for a new start. Like "Gagagran" I am not a adventurous person and the thought of moving somewhere new is too scary!
But I DO understand.

"Maisiegreen" I would say again though, give the East Neuk of Fife a three month try (in the winter) if you really fancy it. Only then can you be sure it is the right place for you. It is idyllic for tourists but not sure about incomers.

Primrose Wed 09-Oct-13 18:07:07

I was very interested in this thread as I am totally unsure what to do. Following my divorce over 30 years ago I have lived on my own with my two sons. One son now lives in Scotland with partner and two children and my youngest son now lives outside Birmingham. I live in Kent and work in London but will be retiring next year. It is difficult for me to visit the grandchildren and on retirement will be even more difficult due to lack of funds. It is a long journey for both my son and family and myself. I have one sister living 30 miles away. I do have some friends in the village but cannot decide whether to move to Scotland where at least I would be near one of my children or remain where I am and make the best of things. I am having sleepless nights trying to work out what would be best. Good luck to you maisiegreen whatever you decide to do. I hope everything works out.

Tegan Wed 09-Oct-13 23:44:54

Primrose; try not to worry too much about the future [I know it's easy to say]. What I mean is that I've just retired and felt very confused and worried in the run up to actually doing it [I could have carried on working for several years but was getting very tired and not having much of a life outside of work]. It hit me emotionally much more than I expected it to and to have thought about moving and other things would have been the straw that broke the camels back. Also having to live on a fixed budget is scary sad. There have often been suggestions of renting out your own property and then renting elsewhere to 'test the water' which seems like a good idea to me. There are lots of Scottish grannies on here that can give you advise if you do go to Scotland smile.

janeainsworth Thu 10-Oct-13 07:50:07

tegan is right about not worrying too much - at this stage anyway.
I went on a pre-retirement course and one of the best pieces of advice was to avoid committing yourself to anything in the first six months - give yourself a breather and time to adjust to your new life.
Retirement for me is turning out very well so far, but different from whatI expected. As a small example, I am finding I'm spending more time with some friends and less time with others, just because of new interests that have developed, contrary to what I thought before I retired.
Good luck with your decision.

Primrose Thu 10-Oct-13 09:21:04

Thankyou so much for your kind responses, they have helped a great deal. I have worked six years over my retirement age but my work really comes to an end next year and thus it seems a reasonable time to retire. I will consider the idea of renting but one of the drawbacks might be trying to rent with my precious two middle aged dogs. This however seems a very sensible plan. I also agree that perhaps not making any changes for a few months following retirement is a good idea. My son's partner is a Scot and they are unlikely, I think, to move away from Scotland. With thanks.

Tegan Thu 10-Oct-13 11:13:20

Well, keep us in the loop. It's always good to come on here and talk things through with people in an impartial sort of way. My partner has a holiday flat on the east coast oop north and I'm always amazed by how many activities there are in the village; if we moved there I'd be out every night doing something. However, much as I love the place when the weather is 'friendly' I have no desire to stay there when the north wind doth blow.

j08 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:27:50

Really don't think it could ever be a good idea to put extra distance between yourself and the family. New places, beautiful scenery, anything really, can never be as good as the real happiness you get from being with the grandkids.

j08 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:29:59

Although you don't actually say that grandchildren are involved.


Gorki Thu 10-Oct-13 11:39:49

My thoughts exactlyjO8 !We had thoughts of retiring to Dorset where DH originates from but as our 3 children and 3 grandchildren all live within a 10 mile radius of us ,we wouldn't give it a second thought.

Elegran Thu 10-Oct-13 12:07:50

But it sounds as though there will be fewer miles between her and her family if Primrose moves to Scotland. One is in Scotland, the other in Birmingham.

Scotland is a big place though. It depends where that son is. Is he in the Borders or in Caithness?

Tegan Thu 10-Oct-13 12:50:30

The grandchildren are in Scotland and the family are very settled there, whereas the Birmingham branch could move at some point [that's what I assumed from Primroses post]. So more would be gained from a move to Scotland.

janerowena Thu 10-Oct-13 13:09:41

I felt very torn when I saw this as our own lives have been governed for many years by an elderly relative, a beloved great-aunt of DBH's moving down to Cornwall. She became ill shortly afterwards and every holiday has been spent there (until her death last year) whether we liked it or not, and many years we could barely afford the petrol, let alone the accommodation after she moved to a tiny flat. We even moved down that way to Hants to try to make it a bit easier at the expense of not seeing my own family as much.

All that time DBH's parents moaned and complained about the hassle she was causing the family as they were living in Lincs. Now we live closer to them, and b****r me, they have decided to move near to Alnwick. I was furious. It is a good six hour's drive from here and I refuse to move further away from my mother in Sussex and my daughter in Kent.

Fortunately they can't sell their house so they have bought one of those holiday lodges. They spend a couple of weeks there each month, but strangely, didn't bother last winter... Having been up there years ago for a brief holiday and discovering that a wetsuit is the only safe way to enter the sea, I am not impressed. Why would anyone getting on want to move somewhere colder? It's fine if you are used to it but MIl loves to be warm. I have visions of us having to pay their heating bills when we can scarcely afford our own. I really worry that once again we shall spend every holiday tearing up and down a motorway to somewhere we have no wish to be.

Primrose Thu 10-Oct-13 13:55:06

Thankyou everyone, these responses are all so very helpful. Yes Tegan and Elegran my two young grandchildren live in East Lothian with son and partner. My youngest son lives in Birmingham but I am not 100% convinced he will remain there. I live in Kent with a sister approx 30 miles away with whom I get on very well and must admit she is upset at the thought of me moving to Scotland but she has both her children very close to her. It is a really difficult decision. I will be very short of fingernails soon!

Primrose Thu 10-Oct-13 14:33:12

Apologies meant to say West Lothian not East!

j08 Thu 10-Oct-13 15:03:04

Oh! I was replying to the OP. Maisie.

Primrose, if you get on well with your son and his partner, and you like the idea of Scotland, I would say go. Your sister could visit. And she does have her own children close.

Do you make friends easily?

Stansgran Thu 10-Oct-13 15:27:39

Some friends moved near one son and his family but walking distance from a mainline station with a direct line to the local airport. Seems eminently sensible to me.

maisiegreen Thu 17-Oct-13 02:07:27

Thank you all for your advice. We decided, after much soul searching, not to move to Fife. Almost immediately, a house I have always wanted came up for sale in Bristol, which is central to all the family and near friends. Our offer has been accepted, so we'll be moving after all! (Cross fingers)

Tegan Thu 17-Oct-13 11:59:47

gransnet meetings in that area sometimes as well, maisie wink. Good decision! Good luck...

annodomini Thu 17-Oct-13 13:07:51

Hope you'll be very contented in Bristol maisie. You will certainly be warmer than you'd have been in East Fife. Having spent 4 years in St Andrews as a student I should know.

Gorki Thu 17-Oct-13 14:00:23

Glad you have made your decision maisie. You will feel much more relaxed now. smile

HildaW Thu 17-Oct-13 14:25:29

Maisiegreen, sounds like the Bristol house was just meant to be! All the best for the future.

Faye Thu 17-Oct-13 18:23:36

Maisie funny how things often turn out alright in the end.

Primrose Sat 19-Oct-13 16:47:35

Good luck Maisiegreen, I am so glad things have worked out for you.

Eloethan Sat 19-Oct-13 17:22:18

It's nice to have a change but a huge change can be risky. So good luck to you Maisie. I'm sure you've made the right decision and I wish you happiness in your new home.

Bach Thu 07-Nov-13 16:00:34

Now for the crazy answer.

We were visiting my cousin in the Republic of Ireland (our second visit) and whilst driving around we saw a bungalow being built. No one was around so we had a nose around (like you do) and somehow the next day we "happened" to be going along the same dead end lane and the builder was there. After 5 minutes we shook hands and the deal was done. A quick trip to the auctioneer (Irish Estate Agent) Solicitor and that was that.

We had tremendous support from our 3 children my 90 year old mum and most of the family (one of my wife's sisters didn't like the idea)

It took a year for our house to be sold in Ashford then the move was on. (I had decided that the day the house was sold would be the day I retired)

The move was 4 years ago. We have not looked back. Admittedly we had a little trepidation about being accepted, if we would like it, what about life without the NHS etc. There was no need to worry. All the other people in the lane came to visit us and extend a welcome (we were told that the entire lane goes out at Christmas and we were included!) we had told the kids that if we didn't like it we would sell up move into warden controlled flat and spend the money on holidays. As for the health service; well I was diagnosed with cancer on the 19 October had several tests and scans to determine the extent of it, told it would be a good idea to see the children for a few weeks before the surgery had chemo and radiotherapy (including being provided with accommodation for both my wife and myself, paid for by the Irish Cancer Society) and a 10 hour operation to remove part of my stomach and 27cm of oesophagus. The result is now an all clear.

All in all, the move, on a whim, has once again worked. A friend down the lane asked me the other day if I would ever return to live in England I didn't have to think of my answer - "no"

Modern day travel means that it takes less time for us to get to see my mum now than it did before we moved.
I have never regretted anything that I have done “on a whim” perhaps I have been lucky but my advice will always be – Go for it you may regret it if you don’t
smile wine