Gransnet forums


Daughter in law

(26 Posts)
tinks27 Tue 08-Oct-13 18:58:13

One of my son's has just told me that he has seen a Facebook discussion between his wife and our youngest son's long term partner. I always thought I had a good relationship with this girl and her family. This girl has been saying very unpleasant things about us and our sons - accusing us of being bad parents and being responsible for our youngest son not asking her to marry him(commitment issues according to her). Our DIL is about to have a baby, and this girl is also keen to have a baby. I was very upset to hear this - we are meeting them this weekend when they are staying with our middle son and fiancee(they are marrying soon) and I really still feel angry with her. My husband doesn't know about her comments as I didn't want to upset him.
How shall I cope? I do not want to upset and alienate my youngest son.

j08 Tue 08-Oct-13 19:03:44

Have a quiet word with her before that? What else would you do? smile

I do hope everything turns out well for you. flowers cupcake wine

Maggiemaybe Tue 08-Oct-13 19:12:13

I think you might need all those flowers cupcake and wine, so I'm sending you some more.

But perhaps you should have a look at the Facebook discussion in question before you get too upset - maybe it wasn't meant to be so unpleasant as you think. Sometimes the written word can come over as a lot more hostile than it's meant to be.

absent Tue 08-Oct-13 19:14:04

I would just ignore it. I think your son was silly to tell you.

j08 Tue 08-Oct-13 19:21:15

That's very true absent.

Eloethan Tue 08-Oct-13 19:49:25

At certain difficult times in their lives, I expect many people have said things which were unfair and which would have been better left unsaid.

This girl is obviously unhappy and feeling insecure in her relationship with your son. Perhaps she is also upset about the imminent arrival of your daughter in law's baby.

It was very thoughtless, immature and unkind to put her feelings in print for all to see and I would be very upset too. But, as you say you thought you had a good relationship with her and her family, she may well feel sorry later that she lashed out in this way. I think I would do my best to ignore it.

J52 Tue 08-Oct-13 19:53:56

Take the higher ground and ignore it. Facebook will cause WW3 , I'm sure. Xflowers

merlotgran Tue 08-Oct-13 20:20:05

Least said, soonest mended.....Keep Schtum!

gangy5 Tue 08-Oct-13 20:23:05

I agree - good advice from J52 and merlotgran

glassortwo Tue 08-Oct-13 20:25:01

Yes keep it yourself.

Penstemmon Tue 08-Oct-13 20:39:19

hmm! poor girl in some ways..wants to be in a 'committed' relationship maybe have a baby and she sees her boyfriend's two brothers & partners in the situation she would like to be in. She had a moan..silly to use FB but that is a common error nowadays!

Her potential MiL (*tinks*) refers to her as 'this girl' on a forum which does not sound very friendly!

If she does turn out to be 'the one' for your youngest son tinks you need to ignore what has happened and build a relationship with her! If she senses hostility towards her she may blame you further for your son not moving the relationship on, even if the real reason he is not ready to is completely unconnected to you!

whenim64 Tue 08-Oct-13 21:21:19

When I was engaged to be married, I needed to offload about my parents-in-law to be because they tried to kill me with kindness. It was claustrophobic and I wasn't used to it. I guess if Facebook had been around, I would have been sharing my feelings on there and keeping my comments to a select few. Likewise, now - we offload on Gransnet about relatives and in-laws who 'just aren't like us.' Face to face, most of us would be polite and not intending to hurt anyone's feelings.

Give her the benefit of the doubt, and a chance to treat you respectfully face to face. If there's going to be a fallout because of lack of commitment, it won't be down to you. Perhaps someone needs to remind these young people that Facebook isn't automatically secure.

grannyactivist Tue 08-Oct-13 22:56:32

Sorry tink, but I would be asking why my son had shared the information with me. What did he hope the outcome would be? It would also perhaps raise one or two questions about his wife's role in the Facebook 'conversation'.
On a personal note if one of my sons had shared something like that I would have sent him away with a flea in his ear - even if every word of what he said was true. Seems like tale telling to me; a definite no-no in our family.

Anne58 Wed 09-Oct-13 00:10:39

I say again, bloody Facebook!

Perhaps someone more statiscally (SP?) mined than me would care to see just how many family problems have been caused by or aggravated by Facebook!

ginny Wed 09-Oct-13 08:34:40

tink I'm sure it is upsetting but probably best to ignore it. I might though ask your son why he felt the need to let you know.
phoenix it's not Facebook that causes problems but the people who don't think before they put comments on there. To say it is the fault of Facebook is similar to blaming a car for speeding.

petallus Wed 09-Oct-13 08:45:36

I agree, it's not logical to blame Facebook. Any harm done is down to the posters.

We don't blame rows over the phone on the phone.

KatyK Wed 09-Oct-13 09:46:15

I agree with you Phoenix. Facebook has caused me a lot of family problems. I also agree that it's not Facebook but the people who post on it. However, I have been tempted to look in the past and what I have seen has upset me. So my personal choice is to keep away from it for my own sanity.

dorsetpennt Wed 09-Oct-13 11:35:09

People seem to forget that when then log something onto Facebook loads of people can read it, not just the people they are talking to. The police have even been able to arrest people because of something said on Facebook. Maybe she was just venting her disappointment at your son not proposing to her, as his parents she could deem this is something you have done and not him. Perhaps your son also doesn't think she is the one he would want to marry in due course.
Whatever the cause just keep it to yourself it will resolve itself one way or another.

janeainsworth Wed 09-Oct-13 12:18:32

Agree with you Ginny. MrA is a retired civil engineer, and I get cross when I hear about 'killer motorways' causing road accidents.

Anne58 Wed 09-Oct-13 14:56:52

Ginny I do take your point when you say that blaming FB is like blaming a car for speeding, perhaps I hadn't worded my comment very well.

However, the things that people post on Facebook does seem to cause a lot of falling outs, IYKWIM

I remember a couple of years ago when the company I was working for were recruiting, one of the admin assistants was given the job of creating an initial shortlist of candidates.

And what was one of the "tools" she used? Yes, Facebook. She would look at their pages and if there were comments such as "got really drunk last night, so threw a sickie" you can guess the outcome.

I suppose the bottom line might be, don't put anything on Facebook that you wouldn't want to see splashed across a newspaper.

SJP Wed 09-Oct-13 19:28:00

The problem with Facebook are the people who use it and like many families we have suffered as a result of inappropriate postings then over-reacting to it. My poor relationship with my son's ex partner all stemmed initially from her posting on FB - when they were going through a bad time after their first child was born and used FB to tell the world about it. So my advice is to note and keep quiet and rise above it.

NfkDumpling Wed 09-Oct-13 21:01:27

Plus, being pregnant can addle the brain! She may have been hoping for a proposal, or just feeling insecure, or had a bit of a tiff with younger son about commitment. Ignore it. flowers

jeanie99 Thu 10-Oct-13 09:55:20

People can be very stupid when using the Internet, anyone with any sense does not write something on the Internet or in an e-mail that they do not want others to read.

Let your son deal with this, don't get involved.

If you are very upset about cancel the arrangement.

tinks27 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:06:51

I have to thank all my online friends for their very helpful and supportive comments - it just helped clear my head. I suppose I was angry and upset at various people - my son't girlfriend('this girl' - not a word I usually use when talking about her but I was angry.) I could not offload my feelings to those close to me - I was upset at my eldest son for telling me this and I have not responded to his email. I was also concerned that my son's girlfriend may have poisoned my DIL against me and upset her just before giving birth. But I can see that my youngest son't girlfriend is probably unhappy at my youngest son't lack of commitment - this son is a very independent guy with a good job, many interests and I suspect not keen to settle down - So I will follow my head and your advice - keep quiet and carry on as normal - thanks again so much it really helped to offload - it is the first time I have used a chat forum!

soop Thu 10-Oct-13 11:35:34

tinks27 You have reached the right decision. No point in making matters worse. You would be hurting yourself [and others] unnecessarily. flowers