Not a granny yet

What a maelstrom of emotions you must be feeling Skylark, and what a very sad outcome. The death of a child is always a tragedy and not easy to think of as 'for the best'. You must allow yourself to mourn for this little one with whom you had started to make an emotional connection, and whether or not the baby was your biological grandchild you have indeed 'lost a grandchild' as you were beginning to prepare to be a granny. And that's quite aside from the pain you must be feeling for your son, and the wish to comfort him.

There are others on here who have lost children and grandchildren and I hope they will come along soon. They truly understand how you might be feeling right now. All I can say is be kind to yourself, let the sadness come, and never feel you have no right to grieve for a little baby you sadly never met

Thank you, When. ATM I can't stop crying, and I've got to go to work soon.

So sorry to hear this upsetting news, skylark. I hope your DS feels able to share more with you in due course. What a very sad and unexpected outcome

I'm sorry I haven't been back; I didn't have anything new to say, as DS hadn't been to see us to update us. But we saw him on Saturday, and OH managed to ask him about the baby when they were on their own for a few minutes.

It transpires that the baby very sadly died at a few days old due to the breathing difficulties he was experiencing. It has taken DS a while to get his head round what happened, and he'd been confiding in DS2, who had kept his confidence and hadn't spoken to us. I think he was also afraid of stirring up an emotional reaction in me - which doesn't say much for our relationship, does it ("Can't tell mum, she'll be really upset..."). I just want to put my arms around my hurting child, but he doesn't really want to talk about it and is holding me at a distance.

The paternity test was never carried out, so we'll never know for sure whether B was our first grandchild.

As predicted by DS, I found this news very upsetting - the final twist in a roller coaster of emotion since early October. OH is being far more pragmatic with utterances like "It's for the best", with a string of reasons. He is being kind to me as my tears come and go, but it's difficult for me to offload onto him or DS, as both are being very "male" about it. Now I have to come to terms with the loss of a child that I never met. I never had contact with the mother, to whom I'd love to write, but I don't feel it's appropriate to ask DS for her email address now - he just wants to put it behind him.

Thank you to everyone here for your support and kind advice. I hope one day to be able to return with happier news of other grandchildren born to my children in more settled and stable circumstances.

Thank you, Deedaa, Jud and Kitty. Still no news, and the baby is 4 weeks old on Thursday. My males aren't good at talking about stuff, either. DH has a huge amount on with his mother atm, so his mind is firmly on other stuff. However, he has said that when the time is "right" he'll have a word with DS; DH will get away with it more easily than I would.

Jud, I'm not sure either what "normal" is, but I certainly didn't expect THIS. However, DS1 has never been a conformist, so I guess I should expect that nothing would be conventional with him.

And mine jud with the males at least. They come round eventually!!

Hugs Skylark. So sorry that the situation still continues to rumble around unsatisfactorily. My first time experience of Grandmotherhood didn't conform to the 'norm' either. Is there really a norm? Deep breaths. Things will evolve eventually. Your DS sounds as if he is feeling disturbed by the situation as well. 'Don't talk about it' would be a typical response in my household!

I wouldn't worry about feeling nothing for the baby. I found I had to meet all of mine before I could feel anything more than a vague interest. I should leave plenty of time for the dust to settle after the birth before you worry about the paternity.

Thank you, Icyalittle. As you say, so many issues. I don't allow myself to focus in on me, a there is a baby out there, who may or may not still have healthy problems; his mother 3 weeks post-op getting used to the demands of this little chap (if he's anything like his "father" he'll be hard work!), unknown to us, and we have no idea how much family help she has; and my DS clearly with difficulties that he is trying to deal with.

But for myself - this isn't the way I had envisaged becoming a grandmother (if indeed I have become one), or that I've observed with friends and family! Usually huge joy, celebrations, champagne, visits, time off to help the new family out, knitting, presents. DH has admitted he feels nothing for this baby. I guess I can't expect him to. But I'm in a state of flux and wondering.

Thank you all for listening, and to those who have responded to me here any personally. I shall, of course, let you know the outcome. Off to Austria this weekend with a group of friends, which will be a lovely distraction - but none of them are party to this information! What should be a cause for celebration (if he's ours) is, for now, a secret.

skylark I've been reading your thread over the past few weeks and all the excellent advice from others, but didn't have anything more to offer. Now the baby has arrived, I just wanted to give you even more support, with so many difficult and different issues coming at you from so many directions. There is always someone here to sound off to, to share a worry or to ask. I know - I've been helped here too, and I do so hope things settle soon to a level of 'normal' that you can handle.

Hallo, and thank you for your messages.

We still don't know the outcome of the paternity test - even if it has been carried out - and DS is holding us at arm's length. I've broached the subject a couple of times, and he's said he doesn't know and has shut me down, saying he doesn't want to discuss it. He is very close to DS2, and eventually I asked him (DS2) if he knew anything. He said I had to speak to DS1.

Of course my brain is in overdrive: there is something amiss with the baby?? Apparently a couple of days after the birth he was having breathing difficulties (which surprised me because he was a healthy weight) ... or (maybe more likely??) the mother knows that DS1 isn't the father (although the timing of their liaison makes it possible), and is holding back on the paternity test? All conjecture, but I can't think of what else might be holding up the news.

DS paid a lot for her stay in the maternity hospital - C. section and 5 days. The mum may just be out for monetary gain, which she knows she will lose if DS is proven not to be the dad.

My husband has serious worries of his own, including caring for his elderly mother, for which he is bearing most of the load. The last thing on his mind is a child born on the other side of the world that may or may not be our grandson. If I raise it, he is quite dismissive and "male" - no point in even thinking about it until we know.

Talk about mixed emotions Skylark and what a big baby!

If he turns out not to be your son's I expect there will be sighs of relief all round, but probably a little sadness on your part at not becoming a grandma at this time.

If he is yours then I'm sure you'll love him with all your heart.

Let us know the result, Skylark. You must be a bit on edge at the moment. When are the results likely to be through?

bit of a cliffhanger really skylark - hang on in there.

Hello All. Just wanted to let you know, the baby was born yesterday, weighing in at a hefty 5 kg. We now await DNA results before we can start getting excited. I'll let you know.

Thank you, Judthepud. It's really a limbo time, suspended in the non-knowing. I think so much about the mother of the baby, be he "ours" or not. I've not yet talked to my son about emailing her, but plan to see him this week so shall broach that. Just a short message wishing her luck with the birth, maybe.

The fact is - we'll know one way or another in about a month's time.

I wonder too how Supernanauna's situation is? Supernan, if you read this, I hope the mother of the baby has sought support, or if not that someone has been able to alert her GP that she needs it.

Thanks for the update Skylark. I was thinking about you yesterday and wondering how things were. Glad the news has settled. Isn't it amazing how the brain begins to accept things given time. Hope you and your son have a good talk about things.

Just posting to keep in touch. No news yet of the baby - he's due in 3-4 weeks. In the past month, we've hardly discussed it. I've just had a sunny break with a friend, which was lovely, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her (I'm not great at opening up about things that are really troubling me) - it seems so unreal, and until we have the result of the DNA, I don't feel able to share it. Before that, my MiL was with us for a week, and the news was very firmly in a box then. I've had very little contact with DS since his birthday, but he's taking me away for a weekend in 3 weeks (just before baby's due date - he's not planning to travel out for the birth). I'm looking forward to this precious time alone with him, and just being able to TALK.

I've just read everyone's kind posts again, and would like to thank you all and reiterate how grateful I am to all of you who took time to write. A huge shock at the time, but as DD predicted, the news has "settled" and we just have to wait now. I'll keep you all posted.

Goodness, poor you with your Mum, Kittylester. I am so glad it all worked out with your DD, her DH and their two little girls, despite your early reservations. In her late 80s, my mum is far from Mrs Bucket - I'm very blessed with her. But I think she'll go through the same roller coaster of emotions as I have been, and there is therefore no point in rocking any boats within the family until we know one way or t'other about the paternity. Trying very hard to keep it in perspective atm until we know.

If the result is positive, I hope that you are right, Iam, and that the mum is lovely and will welcome our family. We are a pretty small clan, but I think between us we have a lot to offer this little lad. If that is the case, that will be the time to try to work out how we can see him, and what we can do for him.

Well said Iam.

As I said earlier in this thread, we were horrified that DD2 did what she did (especially having to explain to Mrs Bucket my mum) None of our family were brought up like that either but these things happen and people get carried away in the moment. But, DD3 and her DH are the most fabulous family now and their two daughters are adorable.

I think that the more you come to terms with it, the more positive your attitude will become.

Your comment about going to bed with a book made me laugh, Iam64! Yes, I can think of a few good books I'd recommend to her... There are so many unknowns at the moment, including whether DS is in fact the father, and around the character of the woman. Only time will reveal the truth to those of us in the dark. Meantime, I'm concentrating on my work, on an event that I'm involved in over the next 10 days, and on going away with a friend at half term - which will, I hope, be a real opportunity to unwind.

Skylark - glad to hear the shock is becoming more liveable with. Your worst fears about the baby's mother may be true, and I'm not dismissing the possibility. It's also possible she is no different than your son, and on this occasion behaved in a way that may have been out of character. She's the one carrying the baby, maybe she is now wishing she'd gone to bed with a book, rather than someone she just met. It is also possible she's someone you could like, and that's be wonderful if it transpires she is carrying your grandchild. DNA testing is essential I agree.

Yes, I understand that, Flickety. And it says a lot about the closeness to each other that DS was able to lean on his sibling for support in the early weeks, as he decided how to deal with this news himself. I suspect he left it till the last minute to tell me, but probably got to the point where he felt he had to for fear of my hearing rumours.

6 days in, I am learning to live with the shock of this news, and am resigned really to waiting for the DNA test. It may be a huge storm in a rather large tea-cup - if the baby is found not to be his. The thought has crossed my mind that if she is the type of woman who seeks out liaisons with men in hotels, then it is possible that she may be stringing along more than one man, and using her predicament to persuade other unsuspecting gullibles to give her financial support. DS is absolutely right to get the DNA test done.

Supernan, I do hope you have been able to speak to someone about the baby.

However close we are to our adult children, there will always be part of their lives they withhold from us and times when what they want to tell us something, like the news you have received, that they know will be a profound shock, so almost inevitably they will talk to a sibling about it before telling you.

It is not a failure of trust but a sign that their love for you and concern, is such that when they know the news they have to impart will be a profound shock to you they consult with others close to them about how best to tell you. Be glad you have a son who loves you sufficiently to worry about telling you something that he knows will upset you.

Super - children's services rather than the nspcc, who will simply fax your information to the local social work team, rather than take any action themselves.