Not a granny yet

Thanks for the update Skylark. I was thinking about you yesterday and wondering how things were. Glad the news has settled. Isn't it amazing how the brain begins to accept things given time. Hope you and your son have a good talk about things.

Thank you, Judthepud. It's really a limbo time, suspended in the non-knowing. I think so much about the mother of the baby, be he "ours" or not. I've not yet talked to my son about emailing her, but plan to see him this week so shall broach that. Just a short message wishing her luck with the birth, maybe.

The fact is - we'll know one way or another in about a month's time.

I wonder too how Supernanauna's situation is? Supernan, if you read this, I hope the mother of the baby has sought support, or if not that someone has been able to alert her GP that she needs it.

Hello All. Just wanted to let you know, the baby was born yesterday, weighing in at a hefty 5 kg. We now await DNA results before we can start getting excited. I'll let you know.

bit of a cliffhanger really skylark - hang on in there.

Let us know the result, Skylark. You must be a bit on edge at the moment. When are the results likely to be through?

Talk about mixed emotions Skylark and what a big baby!

If he turns out not to be your son's I expect there will be sighs of relief all round, but probably a little sadness on your part at not becoming a grandma at this time.

If he is yours then I'm sure you'll love him with all your heart.

Hallo, and thank you for your messages.

We still don't know the outcome of the paternity test - even if it has been carried out - and DS is holding us at arm's length. I've broached the subject a couple of times, and he's said he doesn't know and has shut me down, saying he doesn't want to discuss it. He is very close to DS2, and eventually I asked him (DS2) if he knew anything. He said I had to speak to DS1.

Of course my brain is in overdrive: there is something amiss with the baby?? Apparently a couple of days after the birth he was having breathing difficulties (which surprised me because he was a healthy weight) ... or (maybe more likely??) the mother knows that DS1 isn't the father (although the timing of their liaison makes it possible), and is holding back on the paternity test? All conjecture, but I can't think of what else might be holding up the news.

DS paid a lot for her stay in the maternity hospital - C. section and 5 days. The mum may just be out for monetary gain, which she knows she will lose if DS is proven not to be the dad.

My husband has serious worries of his own, including caring for his elderly mother, for which he is bearing most of the load. The last thing on his mind is a child born on the other side of the world that may or may not be our grandson. If I raise it, he is quite dismissive and "male" - no point in even thinking about it until we know.

skylark I've been reading your thread over the past few weeks and all the excellent advice from others, but didn't have anything more to offer. Now the baby has arrived, I just wanted to give you even more support, with so many difficult and different issues coming at you from so many directions. There is always someone here to sound off to, to share a worry or to ask. I know - I've been helped here too, and I do so hope things settle soon to a level of 'normal' that you can handle.

Thank you, Icyalittle. As you say, so many issues. I don't allow myself to focus in on me, a there is a baby out there, who may or may not still have healthy problems; his mother 3 weeks post-op getting used to the demands of this little chap (if he's anything like his "father" he'll be hard work!), unknown to us, and we have no idea how much family help she has; and my DS clearly with difficulties that he is trying to deal with.

But for myself - this isn't the way I had envisaged becoming a grandmother (if indeed I have become one), or that I've observed with friends and family! Usually huge joy, celebrations, champagne, visits, time off to help the new family out, knitting, presents. DH has admitted he feels nothing for this baby. I guess I can't expect him to. But I'm in a state of flux and wondering.

Thank you all for listening, and to those who have responded to me here any personally. I shall, of course, let you know the outcome. Off to Austria this weekend with a group of friends, which will be a lovely distraction - but none of them are party to this information! What should be a cause for celebration (if he's ours) is, for now, a secret.

I wouldn't worry about feeling nothing for the baby. I found I had to meet all of mine before I could feel anything more than a vague interest. I should leave plenty of time for the dust to settle after the birth before you worry about the paternity.

Hugs Skylark. So sorry that the situation still continues to rumble around unsatisfactorily. My first time experience of Grandmotherhood didn't conform to the 'norm' either. Is there really a norm? Deep breaths. Things will evolve eventually. Your DS sounds as if he is feeling disturbed by the situation as well. 'Don't talk about it' would be a typical response in my household!

And mine jud with the males at least. They come round eventually!!

Thank you, Deedaa, Jud and Kitty. Still no news, and the baby is 4 weeks old on Thursday. My males aren't good at talking about stuff, either. DH has a huge amount on with his mother atm, so his mind is firmly on other stuff. However, he has said that when the time is "right" he'll have a word with DS; DH will get away with it more easily than I would.

Jud, I'm not sure either what "normal" is, but I certainly didn't expect THIS. However, DS1 has never been a conformist, so I guess I should expect that nothing would be conventional with him.

I'm sorry I haven't been back; I didn't have anything new to say, as DS hadn't been to see us to update us. But we saw him on Saturday, and OH managed to ask him about the baby when they were on their own for a few minutes.

It transpires that the baby very sadly died at a few days old due to the breathing difficulties he was experiencing. It has taken DS a while to get his head round what happened, and he'd been confiding in DS2, who had kept his confidence and hadn't spoken to us. I think he was also afraid of stirring up an emotional reaction in me - which doesn't say much for our relationship, does it ("Can't tell mum, she'll be really upset..."). I just want to put my arms around my hurting child, but he doesn't really want to talk about it and is holding me at a distance.

The paternity test was never carried out, so we'll never know for sure whether B was our first grandchild.

As predicted by DS, I found this news very upsetting - the final twist in a roller coaster of emotion since early October. OH is being far more pragmatic with utterances like "It's for the best", with a string of reasons. He is being kind to me as my tears come and go, but it's difficult for me to offload onto him or DS, as both are being very "male" about it. Now I have to come to terms with the loss of a child that I never met. I never had contact with the mother, to whom I'd love to write, but I don't feel it's appropriate to ask DS for her email address now - he just wants to put it behind him.

Thank you to everyone here for your support and kind advice. I hope one day to be able to return with happier news of other grandchildren born to my children in more settled and stable circumstances.

So sorry to hear this upsetting news, skylark. I hope your DS feels able to share more with you in due course. What a very sad and unexpected outcome

Thank you, When. ATM I can't stop crying, and I've got to go to work soon.

What a maelstrom of emotions you must be feeling Skylark, and what a very sad outcome. The death of a child is always a tragedy and not easy to think of as 'for the best'. You must allow yourself to mourn for this little one with whom you had started to make an emotional connection, and whether or not the baby was your biological grandchild you have indeed 'lost a grandchild' as you were beginning to prepare to be a granny. And that's quite aside from the pain you must be feeling for your son, and the wish to comfort him.

There are others on here who have lost children and grandchildren and I hope they will come along soon. They truly understand how you might be feeling right now. All I can say is be kind to yourself, let the sadness come, and never feel you have no right to grieve for a little baby you sadly never met

Do you need to give yourself a day or two at home, Skylark or is work a place where you can still weep and get comfort from being with your work pals? Be kind to yourself, won't you?

Skylark I'll PM you (((hugs)))

I'm glad you have told us about the very sad loss of a grandchild you never knew. Preparing to be a grandparent is a kind of gestation period but for you there is no culmination. You are entitled to mourn and entitled to need to hug your son. As when says, treat yourself kindly and share your sorrow with us whenever you feel the need.

Skylark just read your story. So sad. Be kind to yourself, and to your loved ones

Such a sad story. I would email her.

So sorry skylark.

Thank you, all, for your messages, and for kindly listening to me. I don't have her email address, without asking DS, who might be touchy about giving it to me... I might pick my moment.

There is an element of me that wants to know more about why he died, and whether there is any genetic link. Cystic fibrosis, for example?? I am not aware of anything like that in the family, but unless you'd had both parents carrying, something like that might not be known.

When I think about him, and when I read your kind responses, I dissolve.

I've just read this Skylark. How awful for everyone concerned. The mother of the baby must be in pieces. Does she have support do you know? Your son will no doubt feel he has lost a child, too!

You have lost a potential grandchild who, I'm sure, you were looking forward to knowing despite your fears. I'm sure we can all see where your DH is coming from and, in a clinical way, he's right. But you are a woman, a baby died and lots of people are hurting - you are bound to feel a lot of emotion.

What a sad time for lots of people. Keep talking to us Skylark and, when you are ready, look at some of the other threads too.