Not a granny yet

for you and everyone involved. Big hug x

Thank you, KittyLester and Grannyknot, and to everyone who has posted her and sent me PMs. I'm very grateful; as yet, there is nobody in "real life" I've been able to speak to about the latest development - those few friends I spoke to back in Oct about the situation are either away or tied up with stuff at the moment, and I've not been able to speak to them. It really has been very helpful for me to write here.

Much else going on to distract me - job upheaval (phone interview in half an hour), frail MiL, house move. But it's in those quiet moments when it washes over me.

Skylark That is very difficult and sad for you. (hugs) Keep in in touch with GN.

Sending best wishes at this time of sadness
Did DS get to see the baby or receive a photograph ?

I'm so sorry to hear your news skylark. As others have said it's understandable why you feel so wretched - you had prepared yourself for possible grandmother-hood and now the baby has died, something no-one could have imagined.

And what a maelstrom of emotions you all must be going through each day.

The mother might appreciate hearing from you, after all she has lost her son, no matter who the father was.

DS never saw the baby, but he was emailed a photo of him when he was just born, which he showed me. I asked him for the photo, but he didn't forward it, and I sense he would see it as an intrusion if I asked again. I would love to write to her, but I am not sure how that would go down with DS; he seems to want to put it behind him, but I can't imagine that he isn't hurting....

I'm sure your son is hurting badly, particularly as he has a photo of the newborn.

But he is an adult and must understand that you also are hurting/mourning.

I'm sure he does want to put it behind him but there are others to consider here - not least the poor girl who has just lost her child, and you the potential grandmother.

You can ask him for contact details, probably just the once, and tell him how you are heartbroken and you want to show some compassion to the mother.

Skylark I'm so sorry to hear this sad outcome, after all the wondering and emotion. Your poor ds must be feeling bewildered and sad and confused.
I do hope you can find some peace soon.

really sorry to hear of your sorrows, and so many mixed emotions for all your family and of course mum of baby.

You are all so kind. I've not been able to talk about this in RL yet, preferring to speak face to face to those few who know, rather than on the phone or in an email. But I had to speak to our solicitor this morning about another issue in the family, and it came out. She suggested that we should request a copy of the death certificate, as she has heard of situations where a father is told that his baby has died, abroad, and then the child turns up several years later...

Not been able to speak to DS again, or ask him for contact details. I think we need to tackle the whole question of the death with him, including requesting the DC, and see if genetic counselling (and support counselling) might be appropriate. It grieves me that DS has chosen not to talk to us about this tragedy in his life. Which is also a tragedy for us, but because the situation has been kept under wraps, nobody knows what we are facing. Not even my mum.

My emotions are very up and down. DH is dealing with problems his mother is going through at the moment, and really doesn't want me to be falling apart. I guess we have to prop each other up, and we're trying to do this. To be quite honest, we could do with a break.

Skylark it keeps piling on top, doesn't it? Issues you would not think you would have to contemplate. It sounds like you're watching how you're coping with it all as you know you could do with a break. I hope you can do something to bring temporary distraction every now and again. Take care

Sometimes it is hard to get time alone with a grown up child, particularly a son. Would you be able to meet him for a meal, or even tell him you are going to visit him for a weekend and have a heart to heart with him? I think your solicitor's idea is a good one as it would give you some clear information about cause of death etc. Genetic counselling though would only be worthwhile if the baby had a definate diagnosis of a genetic condition - but that could be on the death certificate possibly.
I guess your pain is not just the loss of a possible grandchild but your concern for your son and the fact that it is difficult to give him support.

Sorry Skylark I have only just picked this up. What a really sad story from beginning to end. You must be feeling wretched about the whole thing. Thoughts and hugs to you.

Thank you, When, Jess and Jud. Thank you all, too for the "flowers". I am feeling very odd about this episode in our lives. DH reminded me tonight when I was brimming up (again) that we don't KNOW if Benjamin was ours. True; and we probably never shall. It's the uncertaincy. O
DH seems able to detach himself from it. And because it's such an unusual thing to have happened, it's hard to tell people - just picture the shock on their faces - and as some of you have said to me, you feel like you're in this bubble, unable to discuss it with anyone, going through the motions of every day life as if it hadn't happened.

I've been going to work and carrying on as "normal". Half the week I'm in an office with just one other person (an elderly man), whom I've not told; the other half, I'm teaching in a business setting, people I don't know very well, and with no colleagues, so not an environment where I can share. I can't tell you how helpful it has been for me personally, to have been able to talk about it here and with a few of you who have kindly PM'd me, because without you all, it would have been a secret hidden in my heart. DH doesn't feel the same way, I can't talk to DS, and not seen t'other DS or DD (who is currently abroad) to talk it through; I'm not sure if DD even knows.

I am at a loss really how to go forward with it, and maybe I have to come to terms with the uncertaincy. But I keep thinking of this little person.... and of my son, who is, typically, burying himself in his work, spending long hours in his office, rarely at home, and from my observations not having a bundle of fun at the moment.

I've just caught up with this Skylark and what struck me was how emotionally isolated you seem to be. What a huge upheaval you and your family have faced in recent months. I hope you can find some support

Such a difficult situation and I agree with your daughter and others when they say to let things settle and try not to worry about complications that may never happen. Of course your future involvment with the baby very much relies on the mother's attitude.
I heard someone on TV say recently that when she became pregnant her mother told her that " it may be the wrong time with the wrong person but it's never the wrong baby" I am sure that everyone willl want what is best for the baby and that will unite people whatever the added pressures.
In terms of telling your elderly parents I would suggest that the responsibilty to tell or not tell them is your son's.
Once you know about paternity if you feel it would be helpful why not gather photo's of your son, other children and family members, depending on how things go you could post to baby's mother or keep in the hope that one day you will be able to share with your grandchild. I would post little items for the baby nearer the time - it will convey you care about the baby. I know that if i was in your position I would be keen to build a relationship and my husband would be happier keeping a distance. He is not an unfeeling person but I think he would not feel the attachment that I know I would feel for the baby.
You must have a good relationship with your son for him to confide in you, many children would not share this with their parents.

Please forgive me , i have just caught up with the latest events. Such a sad outcome for you all.