to want to get out the bleach?

sorry - I do know that.

We have it in the family in various degrees, there is only one of my husbands siblings who doesn't have a grandchild somewhere on the spectrum. This is obviously the generation where it made its presence known - for want of a better way to put it.

How about telling DIL that you get bored once the children are in bed, so is there anything you could "potter about and do, such as a bit of dusting?" If she firmly declines, then you know how the land lies and would be wise to leave well alone. On the other hand, she might give you carte blanche to do as much as you like - you never know!

I've used that tack myself (though I wasn't lying, as I don't sitting around), and it was very well received. Good luck

GG54 - Could you go along with the facts you've been given & tell Dil DS you've been doing some research (& you have by using this thread). My SiL was diagnosed with ADHD & dyslexia as an adult & the strategies taught by the psychiatrist included switching
off the computer & other visual stimulation by 9pm & having strict routines & exercise, plus sleep. Though his parents were dreadful in many ways, their strictness & routines probably helped though they knew nothing of his conditions. I'm sure this advice must be online somewhere.
And yes, you are doing wonders showing them there is another way. Good luck.

The boundaries of the cognitive phenotype of autism: theory of mind, central coherence and ambiguous figure perception in young people with autistic traits.
Best CS, Moffat VJ, Power MJ, Owens DG, Johnstone EC.
Source
Division of Psychiatry, University of Edinburgh, Royal Edinburgh Hospital, Kennedy Tower, Morningside Park, Edinburgh EH10 5HF, UK. [email protected]
Abstract
Theory of Mind, Weak Central Coherence and executive dysfunction, were investigated as a function of behavioural markers of autism. This was irrespective of the presence or absence of a diagnosis of an autistic spectrum disorder. Sixty young people completed the Social Communication Questionnaire (SCQ), false belief tests, the block design test, viewed visual illusions and an ambiguous figure. A logistic regression was performed and it was found that Theory of Mind, central coherence and ambiguous figure variables significantly contributed to prediction of behavioural markers of autism. These findings provide support for the continuum hypothesis of autism. That is, mild autistic behavioural traits are distributed through the population and these behavioural traits may have the same underlying cognitive determinants as autistic disorder.

Never-the-less I'd still be tempted to 'get out the bleach' !

gratefulgran54 - i maybe shouldnt be posting on here as I am a 42 year old working mum with a 4 yr girl and a 3 yr boy. my husband and i both work
I saw your post in particular of Sun 03-Nov-13 15:09:40 and just wanted to say how lucky your son and daughter in law are to have you. I spend loads of my time cleaning usually late into the night after my two have gone to bed, my husband sometimes gets up for a drink of water and finds me with the marigolds on somewhere. Sometimes i do it out of stress (weird kind of therapy) but mainly it is because i couldnt bear the idea of someone saying that because i work full time my house is not right. Plus the fact that my mum in the 70s was never that bothered about housework and as a child i was too ashamed to invite my friends over because i knew they wouldn't understand like me and my 3 siblings did how our house worked (i.e not very homely)
Anyway the point is this - i think you really help a lot to babysit for your son and he must be very grateful (i would be). The only thing i could suggest is either say nothing or suggest the children come to your house instead (if you live near enough?) or if it is appropriate and you have that kind of relationship with him have a one to one conversation with your son saying "can i help in any other way" (eg if you can afford it a birthday gift of a bit of cash for them to get an occasional cleaner? - i know having a cleaner is a massive luxury (I don't have one only in my dreams!) but maybe a one off blizt for them at christmas or something if your son actively supports it - might go down well)

Also gratefulgran54 I have just read your post of Sun 03-Nov-13 18:45:40
you are such a massive bonus to this family I cannot tell you how much

That is lovely of you. I think your MIL and DM must love you loads.