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Being lied to again

(35 Posts)
KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 12:08:17

I have posted on here a few times about my relationship with my DD since she has been friends with a certain girl and her family. I won't harp on again but to cut a long story short, she is very 'into' this girl's family and goes to a lot of social events with them. The girl concerned is my DGD's dance teacher and my DD and her two best friends go to all the dance events along with her 2 friends' mothers but I am never included. My DD has told me 'porkies' in the past about things she has gone to with them. MY DD has now broken her foot. As her DH is working and we are not, we have been taking her to hospital appointments, I have been doing her washing and ironing and cooking a few meals for them - all of which is no trouble at all and I am very happy to help. She is going out for Christmas Day lunch with her DH's family. My family (who she always used to be very close to) always go to a local pub for lunch on Christmas Eve.
Sometimes DD comes and sometimes she doesn't. I asked if she was going to come this year and she said no due to broken foot (fair enough). I have now found out that she is going out on Christmas Eve with the said girl (not sure about the girl's mother) She is perfectly entitled to spend her time with whoever she chooses but why lie? Am I being unreasonable to be fuming!

KatyK Sun 22-Dec-13 21:08:19

Tegan flowers I can handle it all except the fibs. As Kiora says please don't treat me as if I'm stupid, because I am not.

janerowena Sun 22-Dec-13 20:55:25

I'm the same, tegan. Mind you, he's only 18! I said to my daughter that I worried that he wouldn't stay in touch once he had left home properly. She sort of hesitated and said that, to be honest, she barely thought of us at all until she had children of her own. As I can't see Son having children (on purpose) for many years I fear that he will just forget about us. He has no sense of the passing of time and still can't remember when our birthdays are!

Tegan Sun 22-Dec-13 20:42:05

It's like when he was away at uni I worried a little bit all the time, whereas when he was living at home I would lie awake at night waiting for his car to pull into the drive. When he worked nights in London if he wasn't back when I left for work I used to make an excuse to drive home so I could check he'd got home safely! What are we??

Kiora Sun 22-Dec-13 20:11:24

I sometimes think 'be careful what you wish for' in my relationship with all my children. I miss the closeness we had when they were children and have often wished they'd talk to me more or especially with my sons give me the same amount of time they give their wives parents.My oldest has a wife, a teenager and 3 under 5's. So his life is manic. Before the last three he used to come every Sunday on his own for breakfast and a chat. I miss it but not enough for me to invite the whole lot of them every week. Not so long ago he had an injury and I had to drive to and from the hospital,a round trip of about 60 miles and for the first time in years he really opened up to me. I remember thinking " stop telling me all this, now I'll worry" My daughter often tells me porkies about her social life. Apart from wanting to tell her I'm not stupid I let it go over my head and smile wryly. When she does tell me the truth it's often something I'd be better off not knowing. My youngest will sometimes tell me something and say " but don't tell ..... (his wife.) I think well don't tell me either. I'm never happy.

Tegan Sun 22-Dec-13 19:56:34

I'm just glad he's such good friends with his sister these days [it only took @ 26 years for that to happen!]. Families, eh smile.

Nonu Sun 22-Dec-13 19:35:22

they are your son till they get themselves a wife /girlfriend !!


Tegan Sun 22-Dec-13 19:22:03

Realised today that my son and his girlfriend were at my daughters yesterday [who lives 5 minutes away] and gave her a Christmas card to pass on to me. Haven't seen him for ages and will [hopefully] see him late Christmas day. At least he didn't just push it through the letterbox and drive off I suppose sad. Good job I'm developping a thicker skin as I get older [at least, I think I am sad]. My main role in life these days seems to be to let tradespeople into their homes when they're at work or be there for deliveries confused].

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 21:39:54

Flower - How lovely. My DD is 43. Maybe because she is an only child I am a bit clingy. I hope you and yours have a wonderful Christmas and a happy and healthy 2014 x

Flowerofthewest Sat 21-Dec-13 20:42:30

I'm the mother of a 43 year old, 42 year old, 37 year old, 35 year old and 29 year old. They are all so very different but all lovely in their own way. Have a lovely Christmas Katy xxx

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 18:52:39

Flower - he sounds a good soul, as is my DD. Things have just got a bit mixed up I think. I'm not very good at being the mother of a middle aged person! confused

Flowerofthewest Sat 21-Dec-13 18:45:49

KatyK - I wish we had kept the closeness that was there when he was being looked after. I have no doubt of his love. He was the first one to send flowers and card when I was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago. I just feel not so relaxed in his company than I do the other children. He is a man who looms above people and our family are quite short to middling. He tends to stand around rather than sit down. Don't know where I am going with this but it is a bit awkward trying to hold a conversation with my neck strained. smile I do feel he is honest with me though. He does say 'We have plans' etc. which I hate. Just say 'We can't make it' That will do.

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 17:37:52

River - you are probably right tchconfused

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 17:07:14

Thanks all - you are very wise and helpful

Lona Sat 21-Dec-13 16:47:33

KatyK Maybe she didn't want to go out on Christmas Eve at first, but then changed her mind. In which case, she didn't lie.

Sorry, if that's not how it was smile, just trying to help tchhmm

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 14:38:48

Sorry glamma - your post popped up just as I had typed mine. You are right, we always seem to find out what they are up to so I don't know why they bother to try to cover things up. I don't use Facebook any more as it made me feel even more left out, but unfortunately sometimes people tell
me what they have seen on there. Please don't get me wrong I don't want to know what she's up to, it's her life. It's just the porkies thing. Thanks all. I'm off for a mince pie and a cup of tea ! brew

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 14:34:08

Flower - Thank you for your good wishes. I'm sorry your closeness with your son didn't last. I know my DD loves me and I agree socialising with our daughters would be a bit sad. My DD knows I am not keen on these people which is why she is economical with the truth. Of course she wants to be with her friends but if she'd just said 'we are going out with whoever on Christmas Eve' that would have been fine but to say she wouldn't be going anywhere because of her accident and all along be planning a night out was a bit naughty. She is a grown woman and it is nothing to do with me what she does, but not telling the truth (and this is not the first time) is hurtful. All good wishes to you too.

glammanana Sat 21-Dec-13 14:30:59

Katy your daughter obviously loves you dearly maybe she thinks you would not enjoy these "laydee's" company so she gives you her sole attention,another thing with regard to telling "porkies" about Christmas Eve did your Dd forget that we mums always find out what our offsprings are up to by way of say mutual friends and the dreaded facebook.I personally would rather socialise with my DD on a one to one basis we enjoy our regular days out where we put the world to rights and she brings me up to date with what is going on in the lives of my DGCs now they are and enjoy your Christmas Eve meal with your family.

Flowerofthewest Sat 21-Dec-13 14:13:30

Your DD does seem to love you. Children (how ever old) are funny that way. My middle DS and I love each other but hardly see each other. When he had a bad accident last year he was absolutely happy for me to look after him when his wife had to go back to work. I popped in every day to get his lunch, make up his flasks and we chatted and seemed to grow closer. I had hoped this would last but it hasn't. I always get a hug when he sees me. He tells me he loves when we speak on the phone. BUT he never just pops in and we only live 10 minutes walk away from each other. I try not to let it get to me but it sometimes does. Just be happy in the knowledge that she loves you and as River says socialising with ones daughter and friends is not really the norm. Love and best wishes

Flowerofthewest Sat 21-Dec-13 14:07:02

I would be hurt and cross. It seems so unfair don't dwell on it too much though. Try to let it go and enjoy Christmas. It's their loss.

Riverwalk Sat 21-Dec-13 13:59:36

Katy may I ask in a friendly way tchsmile why do you want to socialise with your daughter?

I speak as the mother of two boys so maybe see things differently.

From what you say the socialising seems to revolve around the dance school, and one mother is involved in the school and the other mother lives with this mother - if I've got that right!

I don't think that your daughter should be expected to include you in her social circle - but you make it an issue and so she's forced to lie to you because she knows that you'll be hurt by the exclusion.

The other mothers are presumably around your age and maybe that's why you feel you should also be included.

Did you include your own mother in all aspects of your social life?

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 13:42:15

Thanks Mishap. Yes we do live nearby. DD is a lovely girl in every other way. She treated us to lunch yesterday for all the help since her fall. I do know it's not deliberate. I think this particular friend is a bit pushy and likes everything her way and DD loves her friend so gets caught up in it. Yes it certainly is a minefield.

Mishap Sat 21-Dec-13 13:24:09

Oh isn't it hard! This is especially so if you live nearby. he on;y time that I get a bit of "heart-catch", as I call it, is when one of them visits a friend nearby and a little bit of me thinks that I wish they had just popped in to us while they were in the area. But they are busy people.

Mind you, they round here like a shot when they need help and babysitting - but they do know that we are very happy about that, so that is not a grumble.

It sounds a bit as though the dance school connection is the key to all this. But I understand that having her lie to save your feelings is b****y uncomfortable - but at least she does car about your feelings.

It is all a bit of a minefield really!

I sympathise tegan with your feeling of guilt at how my own mother was treated by me - but she was a bitter lady who was locked in mortal combat with my Dad (in a manipulative, not a shouty way) and I really did not want my children exposed to this - that's my excuse. It was certainly how I felt at the time. I feel sad now at the fun she missed out on.

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 13:19:16

Thanks When. No I'm know she doesn't mean to hurt me. Sometimes I can ignore it and sometimes I can't. I won't let it spoil Christmas (for any of us).
Thanks everyone for 'listening'.

whenim64 Sat 21-Dec-13 13:14:04

My daughter has a group of friends that she socialises with and a couple of the mums show up in Facebook photos on their occasional nights out. Although I have no interest in those types of night out, I was curious about how these mums always seemed to be there, so I asked last week. 'Oh, I know' said my daughter. 'It's becoming embarrassing - J and D (their daughters) don't want to offend them, but they need a break. They keep assuming they should join in every time. If it was you, I'd just tell you straight!' She would, too grin

My daughter then went on to say she appreciates I need my own friends, so won't barge in on us (has joined us for coffee once) and she values being able to choose whether she can spend time with me, with children or not, as you won't always be a free agent, mum, and I'll be spending a lot of time with you out of duty!' Cheeky madam! My other daughter would tell white lies rather than be brutally honest and cause offence. I'm sure there's a middle ground somewhere.

Don't fume, Katy - I'm sure she loves you and doesn't mean to hurt, but maybe you could tell her gently that you want her to feel able to be honest with you? flowers

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 13:09:40

Thank you sunseeker. I have asked her in the past why I am not included and why this girl's family are treated as though they are special. She said she doesn't know what I am talking about and that the only reason the 2 other mums are included in the dance stuff is that her dance teacher friend's mum is very involved in the dance school and the other friend's mum lives with her. She even tells me where they all go to lunch and what they have to eat, it's very upsetting. Of course it's not deliberate, the girl concerned has sort of taken over. She is 11 years younger than my DD too. Ooo panto Tegan yes please.