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Being lied to again

(34 Posts)
KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 12:08:17

I have posted on here a few times about my relationship with my DD since she has been friends with a certain girl and her family. I won't harp on again but to cut a long story short, she is very 'into' this girl's family and goes to a lot of social events with them. The girl concerned is my DGD's dance teacher and my DD and her two best friends go to all the dance events along with her 2 friends' mothers but I am never included. My DD has told me 'porkies' in the past about things she has gone to with them. MY DD has now broken her foot. As her DH is working and we are not, we have been taking her to hospital appointments, I have been doing her washing and ironing and cooking a few meals for them - all of which is no trouble at all and I am very happy to help. She is going out for Christmas Day lunch with her DH's family. My family (who she always used to be very close to) always go to a local pub for lunch on Christmas Eve.
Sometimes DD comes and sometimes she doesn't. I asked if she was going to come this year and she said no due to broken foot (fair enough). I have now found out that she is going out on Christmas Eve with the said girl (not sure about the girl's mother) She is perfectly entitled to spend her time with whoever she chooses but why lie? Am I being unreasonable to be fuming!

Nonu Sat 21-Dec-13 12:14:26



KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 12:28:03

Thank you Nonu - just had to get that off my chest !

Tegan Sat 21-Dec-13 12:28:55

No, I'd be hurt too. But I keep thinking back to my relationship with my mum [especially at this time of year]; thinking how awful I was to her and how upset she must have been [eg leaving home as soon as I could; later on spending every Christmas with my husbands family etc etc]. I wish I could make amends and the older I get the more I wish it. But it didn't mean I didn't love her and am eternally grateful for the way she brought me up and the things she taught me. My daughter and I were more like friends and her friends became my friends but over the past few years [probably since she had the children] I have become 'the granny' and not 'the friend' and I have no involvement with her social life. I'm just grateful to be included in her life at all, even if it is mostly in a child caring role. I feel far more pushed out with my son, who seems to spend most of his time with whichever girlfriend and her family he's with. Diffuse your hurt and anger on here [I think we need an emoticon specially for that because we have to use it so often!] and carry on keeping quiet flowers.

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 12:40:21

Tegan - you are the voice of reason! You are right I know. I didn't treat my mother very well in my younger days, hopefully I treated her well as I got older. I don't expect to be involved with my DD's social life like I used to but
I am afraid the big green monster rears its ugly head now and again. I have always had a problem with being lied to, and my DD is always saying to her own DD 'you should never lie'. It's a good job I can come on here and 'let it all out' rather than saying something to my DD which would be disastrous.
Thanks ladies.

Tegan Sat 21-Dec-13 12:45:45

I've only just read that her two best friends mothers are sometimes included. That was an 'ouch' moment [no wonder you feel upset]. But maybe they're so shallow and frivolous she's embarrassed for you to be involved [looking on the bright side, I am!].

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 12:51:56

Well Tegan - that's one way of looking at it! Her two friends mothers are ALWAYS included in the dance stuff, but it's just the one mother that is in on every act. I sometimes think that I am an embarrassment to her - this woman is very impressive apparently! Bitter - moi? tchgrin

Tegan Sat 21-Dec-13 12:58:20

You need to come to the panto with us tomorrow; a bit of boo hissing does you a power of good!

sunseeker Sat 21-Dec-13 12:58:22

Can I suggest that after Christmas you find a time to have a quiet chat with her and let her know how you feel? I don't have children so am coming at this from a different angle - I am sure you are upset and hurt (don't blame you) but perhaps your DD is unaware that she is upsetting you. Anyway flowers to, hopefully, make you feel a bit better.

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 13:09:40

Thank you sunseeker. I have asked her in the past why I am not included and why this girl's family are treated as though they are special. She said she doesn't know what I am talking about and that the only reason the 2 other mums are included in the dance stuff is that her dance teacher friend's mum is very involved in the dance school and the other friend's mum lives with her. She even tells me where they all go to lunch and what they have to eat, it's very upsetting. Of course it's not deliberate, the girl concerned has sort of taken over. She is 11 years younger than my DD too. Ooo panto Tegan yes please.

whenim64 Sat 21-Dec-13 13:14:04

My daughter has a group of friends that she socialises with and a couple of the mums show up in Facebook photos on their occasional nights out. Although I have no interest in those types of night out, I was curious about how these mums always seemed to be there, so I asked last week. 'Oh, I know' said my daughter. 'It's becoming embarrassing - J and D (their daughters) don't want to offend them, but they need a break. They keep assuming they should join in every time. If it was you, I'd just tell you straight!' She would, too grin

My daughter then went on to say she appreciates I need my own friends, so won't barge in on us (has joined us for coffee once) and she values being able to choose whether she can spend time with me, with children or not, as you won't always be a free agent, mum, and I'll be spending a lot of time with you out of duty!' Cheeky madam! My other daughter would tell white lies rather than be brutally honest and cause offence. I'm sure there's a middle ground somewhere.

Don't fume, Katy - I'm sure she loves you and doesn't mean to hurt, but maybe you could tell her gently that you want her to feel able to be honest with you? flowers

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 13:19:16

Thanks When. No I'm know she doesn't mean to hurt me. Sometimes I can ignore it and sometimes I can't. I won't let it spoil Christmas (for any of us).
Thanks everyone for 'listening'.

Mishap Sat 21-Dec-13 13:24:09

Oh isn't it hard! This is especially so if you live nearby. he on;y time that I get a bit of "heart-catch", as I call it, is when one of them visits a friend nearby and a little bit of me thinks that I wish they had just popped in to us while they were in the area. But they are busy people.

Mind you, they round here like a shot when they need help and babysitting - but they do know that we are very happy about that, so that is not a grumble.

It sounds a bit as though the dance school connection is the key to all this. But I understand that having her lie to save your feelings is b****y uncomfortable - but at least she does car about your feelings.

It is all a bit of a minefield really!

I sympathise tegan with your feeling of guilt at how my own mother was treated by me - but she was a bitter lady who was locked in mortal combat with my Dad (in a manipulative, not a shouty way) and I really did not want my children exposed to this - that's my excuse. It was certainly how I felt at the time. I feel sad now at the fun she missed out on.

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 13:42:15

Thanks Mishap. Yes we do live nearby. DD is a lovely girl in every other way. She treated us to lunch yesterday for all the help since her fall. I do know it's not deliberate. I think this particular friend is a bit pushy and likes everything her way and DD loves her friend so gets caught up in it. Yes it certainly is a minefield.

Riverwalk Sat 21-Dec-13 13:59:36

Katy may I ask in a friendly way tchsmile why do you want to socialise with your daughter?

I speak as the mother of two boys so maybe see things differently.

From what you say the socialising seems to revolve around the dance school, and one mother is involved in the school and the other mother lives with this mother - if I've got that right!

I don't think that your daughter should be expected to include you in her social circle - but you make it an issue and so she's forced to lie to you because she knows that you'll be hurt by the exclusion.

The other mothers are presumably around your age and maybe that's why you feel you should also be included.

Did you include your own mother in all aspects of your social life?

Flowerofthewest Sat 21-Dec-13 14:07:02

I would be hurt and cross. It seems so unfair don't dwell on it too much though. Try to let it go and enjoy Christmas. It's their loss.

Flowerofthewest Sat 21-Dec-13 14:13:30

Your DD does seem to love you. Children (how ever old) are funny that way. My middle DS and I love each other but hardly see each other. When he had a bad accident last year he was absolutely happy for me to look after him when his wife had to go back to work. I popped in every day to get his lunch, make up his flasks and we chatted and seemed to grow closer. I had hoped this would last but it hasn't. I always get a hug when he sees me. He tells me he loves when we speak on the phone. BUT he never just pops in and we only live 10 minutes walk away from each other. I try not to let it get to me but it sometimes does. Just be happy in the knowledge that she loves you and as River says socialising with ones daughter and friends is not really the norm. Love and best wishes

glammanana Sat 21-Dec-13 14:30:59

Katy your daughter obviously loves you dearly maybe she thinks you would not enjoy these "laydee's" company so she gives you her sole attention,another thing with regard to telling "porkies" about Christmas Eve did your Dd forget that we mums always find out what our offsprings are up to by way of say mutual friends and the dreaded facebook.I personally would rather socialise with my DD on a one to one basis we enjoy our regular days out where we put the world to rights and she brings me up to date with what is going on in the lives of my DGCs now they are and enjoy your Christmas Eve meal with your family.

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 14:34:08

Flower - Thank you for your good wishes. I'm sorry your closeness with your son didn't last. I know my DD loves me and I agree socialising with our daughters would be a bit sad. My DD knows I am not keen on these people which is why she is economical with the truth. Of course she wants to be with her friends but if she'd just said 'we are going out with whoever on Christmas Eve' that would have been fine but to say she wouldn't be going anywhere because of her accident and all along be planning a night out was a bit naughty. She is a grown woman and it is nothing to do with me what she does, but not telling the truth (and this is not the first time) is hurtful. All good wishes to you too.

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 14:38:48

Sorry glamma - your post popped up just as I had typed mine. You are right, we always seem to find out what they are up to so I don't know why they bother to try to cover things up. I don't use Facebook any more as it made me feel even more left out, but unfortunately sometimes people tell
me what they have seen on there. Please don't get me wrong I don't want to know what she's up to, it's her life. It's just the porkies thing. Thanks all. I'm off for a mince pie and a cup of tea ! brew

Lona Sat 21-Dec-13 16:47:33

KatyK Maybe she didn't want to go out on Christmas Eve at first, but then changed her mind. In which case, she didn't lie.

Sorry, if that's not how it was smile, just trying to help tchhmm

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 17:07:14

Thanks all - you are very wise and helpful

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 17:37:52

River - you are probably right tchconfused

Flowerofthewest Sat 21-Dec-13 18:45:49

KatyK - I wish we had kept the closeness that was there when he was being looked after. I have no doubt of his love. He was the first one to send flowers and card when I was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago. I just feel not so relaxed in his company than I do the other children. He is a man who looms above people and our family are quite short to middling. He tends to stand around rather than sit down. Don't know where I am going with this but it is a bit awkward trying to hold a conversation with my neck strained. smile I do feel he is honest with me though. He does say 'We have plans' etc. which I hate. Just say 'We can't make it' That will do.

KatyK Sat 21-Dec-13 18:52:39

Flower - he sounds a good soul, as is my DD. Things have just got a bit mixed up I think. I'm not very good at being the mother of a middle aged person! confused