Being lied to again

KatyK^NO YOU ARE NOT^

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Thank you Nonu - just had to get that off my chest !

No, I'd be hurt too. But I keep thinking back to my relationship with my mum [especially at this time of year]; thinking how awful I was to her and how upset she must have been [eg leaving home as soon as I could; later on spending every Christmas with my husbands family etc etc]. I wish I could make amends and the older I get the more I wish it. But it didn't mean I didn't love her and am eternally grateful for the way she brought me up and the things she taught me. My daughter and I were more like friends and her friends became my friends but over the past few years [probably since she had the children] I have become 'the granny' and not 'the friend' and I have no involvement with her social life. I'm just grateful to be included in her life at all, even if it is mostly in a child caring role. I feel far more pushed out with my son, who seems to spend most of his time with whichever girlfriend and her family he's with. Diffuse your hurt and anger on here [I think we need an emoticon specially for that because we have to use it so often!] and carry on keeping quiet .

Tegan - you are the voice of reason! You are right I know. I didn't treat my mother very well in my younger days, hopefully I treated her well as I got older. I don't expect to be involved with my DD's social life like I used to but
I am afraid the big green monster rears its ugly head now and again. I have always had a problem with being lied to, and my DD is always saying to her own DD 'you should never lie'. It's a good job I can come on here and 'let it all out' rather than saying something to my DD which would be disastrous.
Thanks ladies.

I've only just read that her two best friends mothers are sometimes included. That was an 'ouch' moment [no wonder you feel upset]. But maybe they're so shallow and frivolous she's embarrassed for you to be involved [looking on the bright side, I am!].

Well Tegan - that's one way of looking at it! Her two friends mothers are ALWAYS included in the dance stuff, but it's just the one mother that is in on every act. I sometimes think that I am an embarrassment to her - this woman is very impressive apparently! Bitter - moi?

You need to come to the panto with us tomorrow; a bit of boo hissing does you a power of good!

Can I suggest that after Christmas you find a time to have a quiet chat with her and let her know how you feel? I don't have children so am coming at this from a different angle - I am sure you are upset and hurt (don't blame you) but perhaps your DD is unaware that she is upsetting you. Anyway to, hopefully, make you feel a bit better.

Thank you sunseeker. I have asked her in the past why I am not included and why this girl's family are treated as though they are special. She said she doesn't know what I am talking about and that the only reason the 2 other mums are included in the dance stuff is that her dance teacher friend's mum is very involved in the dance school and the other friend's mum lives with her. She even tells me where they all go to lunch and what they have to eat, it's very upsetting. Of course it's not deliberate, the girl concerned has sort of taken over. She is 11 years younger than my DD too. Ooo panto Tegan yes please.

My daughter has a group of friends that she socialises with and a couple of the mums show up in Facebook photos on their occasional nights out. Although I have no interest in those types of night out, I was curious about how these mums always seemed to be there, so I asked last week. 'Oh, I know' said my daughter. 'It's becoming embarrassing - J and D (their daughters) don't want to offend them, but they need a break. They keep assuming they should join in every time. If it was you, I'd just tell you straight!' She would, too

My daughter then went on to say she appreciates I need my own friends, so won't barge in on us (has joined us for coffee once) and she values being able to choose whether she can spend time with me, with children or not, as you won't always be a free agent, mum, and I'll be spending a lot of time with you out of duty!' Cheeky madam! My other daughter would tell white lies rather than be brutally honest and cause offence. I'm sure there's a middle ground somewhere.

Don't fume, Katy - I'm sure she loves you and doesn't mean to hurt, but maybe you could tell her gently that you want her to feel able to be honest with you?

Thanks When. No I'm know she doesn't mean to hurt me. Sometimes I can ignore it and sometimes I can't. I won't let it spoil Christmas (for any of us).
Thanks everyone for 'listening'.

Oh isn't it hard! This is especially so if you live nearby. he on;y time that I get a bit of "heart-catch", as I call it, is when one of them visits a friend nearby and a little bit of me thinks that I wish they had just popped in to us while they were in the area. But they are busy people.

Mind you, they round here like a shot when they need help and babysitting - but they do know that we are very happy about that, so that is not a grumble.

It sounds a bit as though the dance school connection is the key to all this. But I understand that having her lie to save your feelings is b****y uncomfortable - but at least she does car about your feelings.

It is all a bit of a minefield really!

I sympathise tegan with your feeling of guilt at how my own mother was treated by me - but she was a bitter lady who was locked in mortal combat with my Dad (in a manipulative, not a shouty way) and I really did not want my children exposed to this - that's my excuse. It was certainly how I felt at the time. I feel sad now at the fun she missed out on.

Thanks Mishap. Yes we do live nearby. DD is a lovely girl in every other way. She treated us to lunch yesterday for all the help since her fall. I do know it's not deliberate. I think this particular friend is a bit pushy and likes everything her way and DD loves her friend so gets caught up in it. Yes it certainly is a minefield.

Katy may I ask in a friendly way why do you want to socialise with your daughter?

I speak as the mother of two boys so maybe see things differently.

From what you say the socialising seems to revolve around the dance school, and one mother is involved in the school and the other mother lives with this mother - if I've got that right!

I don't think that your daughter should be expected to include you in her social circle - but you make it an issue and so she's forced to lie to you because she knows that you'll be hurt by the exclusion.

The other mothers are presumably around your age and maybe that's why you feel you should also be included.

Did you include your own mother in all aspects of your social life?

I would be hurt and cross. It seems so unfair don't dwell on it too much though. Try to let it go and enjoy Christmas. It's their loss.

Your DD does seem to love you. Children (how ever old) are funny that way. My middle DS and I love each other but hardly see each other. When he had a bad accident last year he was absolutely happy for me to look after him when his wife had to go back to work. I popped in every day to get his lunch, make up his flasks and we chatted and seemed to grow closer. I had hoped this would last but it hasn't. I always get a hug when he sees me. He tells me he loves when we speak on the phone. BUT he never just pops in and we only live 10 minutes walk away from each other. I try not to let it get to me but it sometimes does. Just be happy in the knowledge that she loves you and as River says socialising with ones daughter and friends is not really the norm. Love and best wishes

Katy your daughter obviously loves you dearly maybe she thinks you would not enjoy these "laydee's" company so she gives you her sole attention,another thing with regard to telling "porkies" about Christmas Eve did your Dd forget that we mums always find out what our offsprings are up to by way of say mutual friends and the dreaded facebook.I personally would rather socialise with my DD on a one to one basis we enjoy our regular days out where we put the world to rights and she brings me up to date with what is going on in the lives of my DGCs now they are older. and enjoy your Christmas Eve meal with your family.

Flower - Thank you for your good wishes. I'm sorry your closeness with your son didn't last. I know my DD loves me and I agree socialising with our daughters would be a bit sad. My DD knows I am not keen on these people which is why she is economical with the truth. Of course she wants to be with her friends but if she'd just said 'we are going out with whoever on Christmas Eve' that would have been fine but to say she wouldn't be going anywhere because of her accident and all along be planning a night out was a bit naughty. She is a grown woman and it is nothing to do with me what she does, but not telling the truth (and this is not the first time) is hurtful. All good wishes to you too.

Sorry glamma - your post popped up just as I had typed mine. You are right, we always seem to find out what they are up to so I don't know why they bother to try to cover things up. I don't use Facebook any more as it made me feel even more left out, but unfortunately sometimes people tell
me what they have seen on there. Please don't get me wrong I don't want to know what she's up to, it's her life. It's just the porkies thing. Thanks all. I'm off for a mince pie and a cup of tea !

KatyK Maybe she didn't want to go out on Christmas Eve at first, but then changed her mind. In which case, she didn't lie.

Sorry, if that's not how it was , just trying to help

Thanks all - you are very wise and helpful

River - you are probably right

KatyK - I wish we had kept the closeness that was there when he was being looked after. I have no doubt of his love. He was the first one to send flowers and card when I was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago. I just feel not so relaxed in his company than I do the other children. He is a man who looms above people and our family are quite short to middling. He tends to stand around rather than sit down. Don't know where I am going with this but it is a bit awkward trying to hold a conversation with my neck strained. I do feel he is honest with me though. He does say 'We have plans' etc. which I hate. Just say 'We can't make it' That will do.

Flower - he sounds a good soul, as is my DD. Things have just got a bit mixed up I think. I'm not very good at being the mother of a middle aged person!