Denied Contact? How to move forward?

My paternal grand mother really didn't have much time for me, my brother , the grandson to carry on the all important family name however was a different story. All changed with my parents and my children with a much more positive experience, even though my parents were divorced and a step gran joined the picture. My inlaws were tolerated by my Husband for the sake of his mother. His dad was a bit of a twit.
then it was my turn. Taking on lessons learned, I was preparedto mend bridges with my sons ex partners mother for the sake of my only but her 4th gd. It all ended in tragedy. So much so I do not want to be given the title granny/Nana for future GC if my other children ever get to have any children after the fuss we have been though.
I have read so may stories of hurt and am strangely grateful we still have my son, while we lost our Gd. Our Gd will not be aware of the family rifts and furtive looks and comments made as I heard as a child.
I read the advice above and have copied it to remind me that I have to make a new future. For me personally I would much rather have lost my granddaughter the way I did than the way you are describing and I am at a loss as to what to say. i have said elsewhere misunderstandings happen and life is far too short to be cutting off ones nose and as for using grandchildren as pawns in a chess game. As someone who was all too aware as a child of my place, it is not fair. While my paternal GM was a bit of a tartar, I loved my Paternal GF to bits, he used to sneak out to see us on a Saturday afternoon on the pretext of going to see a football/cricket game. Just having to remember to find out the score on his way home! To all you ladies in this sad situation really do hope one day they see sense.

Thanks again Minty, you're an inspiration. We can't change other people, but we can do our best to live our lives as well as we can. There is a lot of talk about forgiveness, and moving on, and coming to terms with and moving on in our society. I go back to the cycle of grief, which so many grandparents are experiencing with the loss of the loving relationship they had with their children and expected that to continue. When grandchildren are part of that loss, it compounds the pain. For me, acceptance that we are where we are has helped so much. Celebgran, sending very warm thoughts and hoping you are able to carry on looking after your own health, and the loving relationships with your husband, son and friends.

Thanks you iam64 that is very kind.

I find myself in a very strange and totally unexpected emotional state. There's been a huge and significant change in our family's circumstances, one that we felt may prompt our s to get in touch.

Realising how hard it could be for him to do so, we wrote to him last week and told him how much we love him and miss him; that we are always here for him; that we have no desire to dwell on what has passed and that we hope one day he will come back to us.

We haven't, and don't expect to get a response in the near future and are realistic enough to know it may never happen.

Up until last night I've been dreaming about how wonderful it would be to get that letter, email, text or knock on the door from the s we love so very much; quite normal in the circumstances.

Then last night I began to feel very anxious and fearful bec. I assumed that when ever he was ready, I'd be ready too, but now I'm not so sure and my hubby feels exactly the same way.

It never occurred to us that bec. there's been so much hurt and betrayal that we could suddenly be afraid that he might actually consider walking back through the door that has never been closed to him, and that took all of our strength and courage, to reassure him had been, is and always will be open too him.

Is this a normal reaction? Is it understandable that our primeval instinct to protect ourselves should kick in? Is this temporary or could it be, and this is what really scares me, a permanent reaction?

We've worked so hard to be able to move on with our lives without him and have come so far. I feel as if we have been relatively successful in negotiating an emotional mine field, we have not come through it unscathed but not as badly damaged as we could have been, and when times were really awful, as badly damaged as I feared we might be. Could trying to rebuild our relationship, if we're given the chance, be running the risk of going back to that mine field?

I feel as if I could be on the brink of a miracle or unmitigated disaster. This is the only glimmer of hope for reconciliation that we've had in 18 months and I feel almost paralysed by fear and anxiety.

I would never in my worse nightmare, have envisaged that we would be denied contact with our own s and only gc and I never would have envisaged that if the opportunity arose for reconciliation, I would be so consumed with fear and doubt that my maternal instinct to be there for my s would not supersede any and all other emotions.

Smileless you have been through so much last 18 months, try not to pre empt how you will feel. Take it one step at a time.

If your son wants you back I am sure that is what you will want too and I sincerely hope is happy outcome for you!

Just focus on your forthcoming tip to oz and all that entails and try hard to just let it happen, you may not hear from him before you go. Don't beat yourself up so many difficult emotions.

Smileless2012, yes of course it is absolutely natural that you and your husband are feeling anxious, you have been hurt and worked hard to try and find a way to cope, and the thought of that hurt possibly returning is of course a concern.
I think that you have to remember that all of that is in the past, and it should not be revisited, you could be looking at a new beginning.
You have to let the past go.
We have all done things in the past that maybe we are not very proud of, as indeed have our families, once we admit that to ourselves, there are opportunities to be had.
However small that chink of light might be, it is still a chink.
Who knows what the future holds but always be ready to except it, and no blame on anyone.

Extremely well put minty that is so right let's hope and pray new start coming for smileless

Thank you Celebgran and Minty for your kindness and support. Our small chink of light has just got a little bit bigger as we've had a response to our email . Brief and tentative but like winning the lottery as it's my first direct contact in 18 months, and my dear hubbies in almost a year.

Fingers crossed. Hope 2014 can be a good year for you.

Thank you Ashmore

Smileless, wonderful news, keep stepping slowly and let things just evolve.
Think you should be known as smiley now?

Smiley sounds great Minty. When I know the nightmare is finally over, that will be the name I shall use Much shorter than 'the poster formerly known as Smileless .

Smileless I can understand your feelings because in many ways they mirror my own. In my case it's seven+ years since I last saw my daughter and I feel I don't 'know' her any more. I read recently that she and her father refer to me as 'the witch' - so not exactly conducive to a happy reconciliation. I think if there were to be a meeting now I would be very guarded. In your situation much less time has passed, so I wouldn't be surprised if your relationship with your son slowly recovers until this current difficult time is just a bad memory. I do hope so.

Has anybody taken legal advice or action to see their grandchildren ?
I have been actively involved in 3 of my grandchildren's lives, my daughter is in an abusive relationship which despite support from me and her sister in laws continues to live in, she now doesn't talk to me and my seeing them is very on their terms and they often cancel an hour before I drive 40 miles for a hour and half visit ( I collect them from school and take them out to tea)
I would like regular contact one week it's okay the next I get " daughter saying husband doesn't want you to see them "

Taking legal action must be a very last resort, it works for some but it a personal decision.
If you still having contact, my view would be to absolutely keep all lines of communication open.
The fact that your daughter is in an abusive relationship is always difficult, but we can't interfere with our adult children's relationships.

Thank you grannyactivist . If and when we finally meet up I know we'll all be feeling guarded and it's going to take time for the walls we've built to protect ourselves to come down. I can understand why you no longer feel that you know your daughter, 7 years is such a long time; the last 18 months for us have felt like a life time.

Hello Zoomitz8. What a terribly distressing situation for you to be in, knowing that your daughter is in an abusive relationship, no longer being able to talk to her and often having your arranged visits with your gc cancelled.

Legal action can work for some, but it's not always the case and win or lose, it must put a terrible strain on already difficult relationships. Try and make the most of what time you can spend with your gc that a least is something you can hopefully build on. I hope that your visits with your grandchildren continue .

Zoomitz8 - legal action has to be a last resort as it seems it inevitably widens rifts because it can lead to all sides emphasising their own sense of grievance.
Minty, mostly I agree with you that we can't interfere with our adult children's relationships. The difficulty is that children suffer from growing up with parents whose relationship is abusive. It's not uncommon for men (or women) who are physically and emotionally abusive to their partners, to behave in that way towards their children. Grandparents are between a rock and a hard place when they can see the danger but feel powerless to intervene. I wonder how many grandparents who lose contact with their adult children, and grandchildren found themselves excluded after raising genuine worries. That can leave their adult child and grandchildren more exposed, but saying nothing feels like colluding with abuse. Tough one isn't it.

Grannyactivist my heart goes out to you, I feel after 16mnths of no contact with my D & GC I'm heading down the 7yr path as well

I've come on here just to advise Zoomitz8.
Firstly; well said Minty,lam64 and Smileless.
I would advise you Zoomitz8 not to go down the legal/court route, I made that mistake and regret it! It just gave my nasty s.i.l and his mother the material to use for their mastery of lies, which were horrendous! You can read this story on the 'cut out of their lives' thread. I wish I had just kept silent, but then hindsight is a wonderful thing! I think, if it is in-laws i.e: through divorce or death of your D/S, that you are prevented from seeing your GC, then yes the courts, but if it is 'against' your own D/S, then not a good idea. Wish you luck xx

Yogagirl what happened to you was awful and can't understand it yum were very unlucky not to get past first hurdle.

However to be fair I know a lady who did win contact and sees her Grandaughters regularly it ruined any chance of relationship with her daughter so I feel it seems to be. A choice which is awful.

It is important to tell both sides it is not always negative.
Yogagirl if you had no gone court you would be like me sad you had not tried everything.

Of course it is last resort no one would actually want to go court with all the hassle expense and emotion trauma that does not need to be said,

However courts do look more favourable now on grandparents things have moved on slightly. Still not road I think we will take despite the heartbreak of 3 little ones 2 never seen.

Honest, brave and wise words Yogagirl. Even though you didn't succeed you had the courage to try.

That's a high price to pay isn't it Celebgran, a renewed relationship with gc and a ruined relationship with your own child. Will they ever realise what they've done to us, or will it be too awful for them to face up too.

for all who miss their children and gc, and despite all our efforts to move on with our lives, will miss the cards we wont be receiving this Sunday.

We looked into legal action. However, the laws here in the United States are not nearly as favorable to grandparents as they are in the UK. It is also very expensive both in money and basically killing the relationship with your child.

I don't know how many of you are readers of the Bible and active in prayer, but we have been praying Hosea 2 over our son and daughter in law. I talked to my son this morning and he said that he is working on a plan to let us see the boys. He is just having to convince his wife to allow it.

Until then, we pray, we write cards to the boys and we write letters to them that we keep in a special box. When they are older, we can give them to them and they will know that we loved them even if we were not allowed to see them.

God Bless Lostgrandma and goodluck xx

I dip into this thread now and again - not too often, as it is too distressing. Just wanted to send good wishes to all those going through these difficult times and hope for good outcomes.

Mishap what a very interesting and so important comment you have written.
I think by now you will know that I try to be a glass half full person, for a whole host of reasons, and I also feel that those involved in this situation want to raise awareness of denied contact, of course there has to be a place for people to go to share their hurt and pain, but if others don't feel they want to read posts then we will find it increasingly difficult to get our messages across.
I suppose this is why I started this thread.
It is vital as well for people to know that there are good news stories as well and I would ask anyone who has rebuilt a relationship with their grandchildren to share those thoughts.
Very often, understandably,we use forums ect to rant and open up our inner most thoughts, and then when things improve, we no longer need that particular sort of crutch so the uplifting realities are not seen.
They do happen, and things do get better.
Thank you all for your comments.

Thanks for getting this thread back on track, Minty. It's easy to get dragged down into feeling helpless and loss of all hope. Children grow up and start to make their own minds up about family rifts, some decide to act on their curiosity, in the same way that adopted children go looking for their birth relatives. Adult relationships don't all last, and along with divorce and separation, family ties are renewed. It can turn on a sixpence, maybe not the emotional reunion that is dreamed about, but gradual return to contact and opportunities to start afresh.