Gransnet forums


Denied Contact? How to move forward?

(223 Posts)
Minty Wed 22-Jan-14 10:11:43

Thought I would start a new thread on this subject, for support, sharing and above all to consider how we need to look to the future.
I am talking personally,but I have to work with the positives, I owe it to my family and most of all to our grandchildren.
It would be good to hear all points of view, practical, emotional and worldly wise comments.

Smileless2012 Tue 13-May-14 12:12:34

Oh thank you for the flowers Yogagirl, they worked a treat. You know what, I think we're all doing rather well in the circumstances. If my memory serves me correctly, I think you and I have been managing for 2 years now, and I know there are some ladies who have been coping for a lot longer.

So some flowers and sunshine for us all; we're worth it.

Kiora Tue 13-May-14 21:11:57

smileless and all of you who are living with this terrible pain a
big (((((((hug))))))) I wish I had a magic wand xxxx

Yogagirl Wed 14-May-14 08:30:59

Thank you Kiora, & Smileless. Hope your still enjoying your hols Celebgran flowers

Smileless2012 Wed 21-May-14 21:12:29

Your big ((((((hug))))) worked a treat Kiora. Thank you.

whenim64 Thu 22-May-14 12:08:52

Here are the helplines mentioned by Denise Robertson on This Morning just now.

whenim64 Thu 12-Jun-14 13:06:09


Stansgran Thu 12-Jun-14 13:33:30

Thank you Whenim64. I was looking in relationships. I just wanted to do some positive thinking. I don't seem to get through to DD1 . I think she contacts us once a month .we are taking DGCs to an activity holiday but needed parental confirmation that they had no ailments and that various activities were suitable for them. Her pa has just emailed me with the info but doesn't know the dates they are arriving or leaving . At least we are still allowed to take the children away.and they get a holiday rather than being parked with au pairs.

amabazza Sun 22-Jun-14 21:56:01

Hi there,

Glad you have started this very painful link up again.
I am too one of the lucky ones. We unfortunately had to take my daughter and son-in-law to court for access to our then 2 year old grandson. We had had contact with him a great deal since his birth.
It was the right thing to do for us.
Although still strained, I have now given up work to look after our now 4 year old grandson and his 18 month old brother whom I never thought we would even meet.

I receive lots of e-mails from denied contact Grandparents, desperate for advice and someone to talk to.
I always make sure I find the time to answer them all but always make it clear that going to court was the right thing to do for us but this must be a last resort.

BabsyDaisy Mon 23-Jun-14 18:12:27

Thank you for that. I need all this advice. My son's girlfriend denies me the visiting of my grandson (few month old baby). Also, she hates me and does not want to see me.
I am suspecting she might have some mental issues with me: obsession about me, being irritable very quickly, over-ananlysing situations and words said by me, accusing me of being false and fake.
I am very agreeable person and like everyone to be happy.
She favours her family, likes my husband by only dislikes me.
Why is that? Is she depressed or just want to be an Alfa Female?

RedheadedMommy Mon 23-Jun-14 20:17:06

It sounds like she has Postnatal Depression and Anxiety.
Why does she hate you?

Just give them time. Its still all new and IF she does have PND the way you act now will effect the way things will in the future when she is better.

Probley need abit more of a back story smile
Im sure things will resolve in time. X

BabsyDaisy Tue 24-Jun-14 22:08:36

Thank you RedheadedMommy.
She just does not want to have anything to do with me.
I thought I have been kind to her for the past several months, but it got worse recently (I have not brought a present for the baby when I came for a visit to see them). Nothing happened when I was there, only after when I left, I found out about it. Such a small thing...

I am going to do everything like a good granny should and not think about her ignoring me. I just miss seing my son and the baby. I would like to put a stop to any conflict.
I hope you are right but we shall see.
Take care. X

Paula8 Tue 24-Jun-14 22:39:46

BabsyDaisyDont make too much of it, let it go over your head, you can not control what she does but you can control how you react, just ignore as much of it as you can, take it with a pinch of salt, if she does not like you, that is her problem, your main interest is not her but your son and grandchild, as long as you still get to see them, dont worry about the rest.

Paula8 Tue 24-Jun-14 22:42:18

PS..The more she can see that it is upsetting you, the more she may be horrible, dont let her take the power. you retain the power by ignoring her, trust me it workssmile

grannyactivist Tue 24-Jun-14 22:55:10

In a very round about way I have a small glimmer of hope. A situation is going to come about that means I may have a chance to see my grandchildren within the next year. I won't hold my breath, but at last there is a very real prospect of face to face contact. smile

RedheadedMommy Wed 25-Jun-14 09:34:08

I think there is 2 possiblities here.
IF she does have pnd, she is in a really lonley place. She will over think everything, she will think everyone thinks shes a bad mom and cant cope and she will think that herself.
You have to remember that it isnt her or you.
Its just one of those things and its awful.
Your son will want whats best for her so dont pressure or moan you dont see him enough, they will have enough to deal with.
I also hated anyone holding my DD. No idea why. It would make my skin itch. Is she like that?

She just doesn't like you!
Where is yout son in this? Does he visit you with the baby? Its not all down to your DIL. My DH would visit his mum once a week while i stayed at home.

BabsyDaisy Wed 25-Jun-14 22:02:57

Thank you all for replies.
I feel a bit better now, after reading your messages.
I am going to wait and see what happens in another few days.

My son supports his girlfriend, he loves the baby to bits. He keeps a minimal contact with us at the moment. It feels that I have not only lost contact with my grandson, but also with my son, feels as a sort of bereavement.
We do not go to his house, he does not come to ours (the last few weeks).
I will try my best to keep going. confused

RedheadedMommy Wed 25-Jun-14 22:25:27

Very odd.
Have they said anything? Or just not seen you?

Its all so full on when the baby is tiny, and exhausting! Why dont you ask them over for dinner of the days? smile

Yogagirl Fri 27-Jun-14 09:49:27

Amabazza God I wish my court case to see my beloved GC had worked out like yours, your very fortunate to be now seeing your GC full time, did you make up with your D? My court case made everything 1000 times worse, I messed it up, I should have had a lawyer, but I knew the costs would be more than I could afford.
BabysDaisy it's def a case of 'AlfaFemale', take Paula8 advise, she's right, I wish I'd had this sort of advise when my nasty s.i.l decided to cut me off from my beloved D & GC.
and your right about the Grieving, I'm still in that place getting near to 2yrs now sad
Best of luck Grannyactivist flowers

SJP Sat 28-Jun-14 17:53:24

After a very difficult time, I was granted a court order to see my three grandchildren and this is working out quite well and I see them now about every 6-8 weeks. There are still tensions between my son's ex partner and myself but I came to the conclusion that I needed to be the bigger person in this and not react to the digs, criticism and negative comments that I received when picking and dropping off the children. The message has got through and as a result the handovers are much better. In the end this is about the grandchildren and they deserve to have the best granny I can be in the circumstances that I am working, with so for the sake of my pride much as been achieved. At the same time I also know my worth and the value I can bring to all of my grandchildren and therefore the best I can be is based on what I think is my best and not the unrealistic expectations that my son's ex partner may hold, that way I can be true to myself and my grandchildren will benefit int he long run.

whenim64 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:19:22

Fingers crossed, Grannyactivist I hope it works out for you. flowers

SJP it's good to hear about positive outcomes - sounds like you have demonstrated how to behave in front of the children and it's paying off. smile

Yogagirl Mon 30-Jun-14 08:55:30

Well done SJPflowers How come you didn't get to see your GC through your S?

GigiGransnet (GNHQ) Fri 11-Jul-14 16:09:55

Hi all,
Just wanted to let you all know that we have a Q & A with Relate and The Grandparent's Association on this subject next Wednesday 16th July.
So if you have any questions on losing contact and would like some advice or guidance on how to move forward to heal or navigate family rifts (whether it is involving grandchildren or not) please do post your thoughts/questions on the link above.
Thanks x