Denied Contact? How to move forward?

Would say at sadness level not really depressed which is my biggest fear as have history of it, I had excellent counselling for a year after it happened, sadly he retired, have seen others not so good.

I a getting close to accepting not damn thing can do about it.

Still do t understand how it can be positive??
Thanks tiger for trying help

Thank you Marelli for giving us the chapter number you were referring too. I'd actually made a note of chapter 12 as one to read, but haven't got that far yet.

You're right Minty it is the children we have to consider in these terrible situations. I haven't seen my gs since he was 8 months old; he was 2 in January. I don't even know if he's aware of our existence; I doubt it as any cards and small gifts we leave for him are always returned unopened .

Thank you Tiger for your informed insights and thanks to all who have posted on this thread today. It has been most helpful and uplifting to share with you all.

Tiger, it's taken me a long time to get to this point, and I have to say, I didn't think I ever would. But I can't let something that I know I can't change, destroy me. It just takes time to come to terms with it.

Marelli that exactly it. It takes time to come to terms with it, to work it through in your mind. But for you to have had a reconciliation and then have it all withdrawn a second must have been heartbreaking

We need to remember that coming to terms with any loss, and being apart from a grandchild is a loss, does not happen over night, it takes time.
There are phases that you will and need to go through.
I don't personally want to read lots of literature written by 'experts' telling me how I should feel, when I know only too well how I feel, but others do get great help from this sort of thing.
There is no one size fits all, what works for some will not work for others.
For me, I am not going to let negativity, bitterness, anger, blaming, rule my life.
Negativity festers to such an extent you can't see any positives.

Exactly, Minty! It is corrosive.

I agree is best to be as positive as possible, I have accepted absolutely nothing i can do, still gave me enormous shock to come across photo of my grandaughter mollie recent one and the other one never seen plus new baby!

Seems as soon as I try so hard to be strong something comes and knocks me down !

Would you be able to keep the photo? If you had never seen the baby ,I mean if it was on the web could you get a print of it for yourself?

Thanks stansgran I have save it and printed it, a friend just checked for me she must blocked me and now her dad as she still on there, how cruel expect she did that before putting picture on! However by chance we found it as she did not realise her dad on F book, cannot understand how or why she can be so cruel. Is lovely photo so now we know what younger 2 look like.

Had a lovely day out shopping with my s.i.l. today. We chatted about all sorts and laughed at nothing in particular. Haven't seen her since just before Christmas and when we parted she said how she'd enjoyed our day together and how much better I seemed in my self.

On the drive home I thought about what she'd said and realised that I am feeling better than I was. It's a slow and painful process but I am moving forward . Yes, I do have my bad days and sometimes feel as if I'm taking a step backwards but that's OK because if I can take two steps forward the following day at least I'm still moving in the right direction aren't I.

Well done smileless sadly in our situation the bads days will happen but hopefully we will have more good ones than bad!

Is painfully hard for me not to react to the lovley photo, especially when now discovered our daughter has blocked her rather and godparents who she was extremely close to it seems a retrograde step and makes me so sad. I can only presume it was to prevent us seeing the photo !

It backfired for her but it does not make me happy and just wish so muchn she who'll talk to us and give us a chance to put anything. Right.

Sadly that looks very unlikely.m. Will keep door open Always but have to protect.my health and sanity will be her making next move. 5 years to trying so hard and not one reaction.

Good to hear you are having better days Smileless. You are right, it's a slow, painful process but my experience is it's better to work on focussing on the positives in our lives while working on letting go of negative thoughts and patterns of behaviour. That doesn't change anything and only leads to further rumination and that takes so much energy yet achieves nothing. The thread on mindfulness and depression is interesting. So many people seem to benefit from yoga, breathing techniques, relaxation techniques. I'm one of them, I'm relieved to say. Hope you have a good day tomorrow Smileless

Thanks for that Iam64 I'll take a look at that thread. I've been a lot better since re joining a gym and going 3 times a week; physical exercise and meeting new people has certainly helped. for your kind words and to celebrate the first official day of spring.

It's good to read your positive comments, smileless. You'll be needing a change of username before long!

Good thinking Whenim all suggestions welcomed. When I'm ready I could may be do that pop star thing and be known as 'the poster formerly known as Smileless'; problem with that though is it's too long.

Hubby has just suggested Prints

When a decision is made to 'walk away,' is that wrong?
Is there actually an answer that fits all? I don't think there is.
Just re-reading all of the posts on this thread just show how everyone is different in their approach to being denied contact.
There is of course lots of sadness, grief, loss, and some anger and bitterness that comes across.
For myself I have never and would never publicly say derogatory remarks about the person who has denied contact. What would it achieve?
Absolutely nothing.
Apart from the fact it is a public forum and can be read by everyone, would I want to read such remarks about myself by the other party?
No. Certainly not.
I think there comes a time when we have to think about what is the wider affect on other people who are close to us, could we possibly loose them too because we are so saturated with the separation from our grandchildren.
It isn't about forgetting them, that will never happen they are in all of our hearts forever, no-one can take that away.
It is for me, about caring and loving those around me and being able to be part of their lives and not to be consumed by grief.
So no, for me it is not wrong to make the decision to walk away.

Minty, I so agree with you. For such a long time, I used to try to speak to my other DD and my DS about how terribly sad I was about not being allowed in their sister's life. They weren't able to comment much, and now I really do think that this was from their loyalty to her, however they may have felt about the situation. I do remember one day when I'd been particularly upset, and my son looked me in the eye and said, "Mum, you do still have me, remember?" It shook me up a bit, I think.
Also, as you have said, Minty, I couldn't have made derogatory comments about my estranged DD, either. I love her too much.

My daughter cut contact with not only me, but her siblings and all of my family. It was very sudden, with no warning signs or prior disagreements and followed quite quickly after her divorce. A few days ago, by a rather circuitous and unintentional route I found myself on a FB page that my ex-husband had posted on (neither his nor my daughter's page). It was actually quite a shock as I have had virtually no contact with him since he left except for arranging a couple of meetings for him and my daughter when she was in her teens and meeting again at her wedding. What was more of a shock though is that my estranged daughter had responded to a photo he had put up of himself and their exchange centred around me: "the witch" as I was referred to. I have sometimes conjectured that she was influenced by her father at that time, but suddenly it was like a light bulb had gone off. Since the divorce my daughter has idealised her father and when I stopped rescuing her financially I know she turned to him. It is obvious now that she made a choice to have her father in her life at the expense of her relationships with me and my family - and I can only say that it's a relief to know. In a strange way I actually feel less hurt because it was an obvious (for her) choice to make. My daughter's relationship with me got 'stuck' in her teen years when my relationship with her was about love tempered with discipline and I got a pretty normal teenager's response. Her dad was all 'there, there, here's a cheque -your nasty mother doesn't understand', but as he lived at the other end of the country he had none of the frustrations associated with normal teenagers growth and development. So the question of why she cut us out of her life has now been answered and I don't think I can expect or hope for a change in the current situation. From what little I have gleaned over the missing years my daughter is making a pretty good job of raising my grandchildren and I am content with that knowledge.

grannyactivist,
It is interesting isn't it that somehow when a question is answered we can lay it to rest a bit better.
It is the unanswered questions that can gnaw away at us.
Our adult children are just that, adults, and if they have to make their own mistakes and their own decisions, but it is also reassuring when we find out that our grandchildren are being raised well.
Must mean that we brought our children up well ourselves!

You're absolutely right Minty it is the unanswered questions that gnaw away at us. Maybe one day we'll get some answers and they'll help us to leave the past in the past and move on.

I hope and pray that my little gs is being raised well; I've no reason to think other wise and if he is, it's a testimony to his father's own positive upbringing. Thanks for that Minty for you.

Minty you're right on both counts.
I now have a better understanding of why my daughter chose to cut herself off and yes, I'm reassured that my grandchildren are doing well.

Last Autumn I planted lots of little daffodils under a cherry blossom tree for my grandchildren, they are out now and looking so lovely, a little ray of sunshine. Happy memories.
What ever happens in the future they will always appear in the Spring, a sign of new beginnings and joy.

Thanks Minty and grannya for your positive posts. Good idea about the daffodils Minty - I have a lot of "people" in my garden and it's lovely to see them appear at different times of the year

Thanks Iam64.
Having thought about the title I wrote on this thread, maybe it isn't about moving on, more an acceptance of what has happened.
That does sound a little like I have given up on my grandchild, nothing could be further from the truth, but I do believe that the experience we have during our life the good ones and the heartbreaking ones make us the people we are today.
If we can look back at our lives and honestly feel we did all we could do and the best we could do, then we can be a peace with ourselves.
As I have previously said, I can not continually be negative I have so much in my life to be thankful for.
I owe it to my grandchild to treasure the memories I have, never to give up hope and to look to the future.

well said Minty, I guess it is the little voice in my head that tries to tell me it is all my fault, even though I know I did my best, I am only human and I am sure I was not the Mum my daughter wanted,, but sadly I did not realise that. It would help so much if I could only talk to her, to be cut off without anything, condemned without a hearing I guess, that is what I struggle with. Is hard to be at peace with myself but that is what I must be I understand that.

I still want so much to see my little grandaughters, but I too have to accept things as they are and think of my health, my husbands and the relationship with our son.

An elderly lady who went through this said to me dont stop sending gifts and cards, she never did, she just accepted things would not change just because she wanted them to but they would one day. Sadly it was when her husband was dying, she is in touch now.

Others say walk away and I really do not know the best answer, you have to do what your heart tells you I guess.