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(18 Posts)
mugnanny Thu 23-Jan-14 10:13:07

My daughter in Australia is not communicating with us at all this is because her daughter, my granddaughter told a lie about me and was found out in it. We were visiting them and my daughter became enraged and turned on me
so much so that we had to find an hotel and an earlier flight home. This was nearly 5 years ago I did write to her when we got home and said how sorry I was that things had gone so wrong. But we have not heard from her she has never acknowledged that she and her family have received Christmas/birthday/Easter gifts. I now feel that I should stop sending them as I don't even know if they were delivered. My husband and I are in our 70's and I feel that it is getting too late. My husband will not discuss it he is so hurt, he won't mention her name.

henetha Thu 23-Jan-14 10:17:33

How devastating for you. I am so sorry. This is all so unfair. Can you make one more attempt to get through to her how hurt you are?
If things do not improve, then maybe the time has come to stop sending gifts to them..... but I realise how hard that will be.
I do hope and pray that matters will be resolved. Good wishes.

Elegran Thu 23-Jan-14 10:52:51

If your granddaughter was found out in the lie, why has your daughter turned on you to blame? Did you flame up about it to your granddaughter? If so, the row is because of that, rather than the lie itself. I take it you explained why you were so cross about the lie - if it has rankled for five years she clearly thinks you over-reacted.

sunseeker Thu 23-Jan-14 11:08:51

I would write telling her how sorry you are that things have got so bad between you, that you love her and her family, that you miss hearing all their news and would she like to put it all behind you and get back to where things were before the upset.

If she still doesn't respond then I think you will have done all you can to repair the rift and it may be time to save yourself any more hurt. (Although I would still send birthday and Christmas cards as a way of keeping the door ajar should she decide in the future to contact you).

mugnanny Thu 23-Jan-14 11:41:14

Elegran. The problem was when my daughter discovered the lie it was as if she was so embarrassed that she turned her anger on me as the daughter was and is one of those who can do no wrong, so somewhere in her life it must have been our fault. there was no row I didn't even get cross with the child I was hurt that she said what she said, but we did not argue just stood there in disbelief and shock we said nothing except that we were unable to stay after the abuse.
She watched as we packed and left to find our own way to the station in a strange town in a strange country to find an hotel we could not even call a taxi had no idea what to do. But think I will write to her telling her there will be no more gifts but I am not going to beg I have tried to get her to at least acknowledge us but she has a new life and now we must get on with ours.

Mishap Thu 23-Jan-14 12:07:17

This is so sad mugnanny - it seems that this whole rift is based on your DD's embarrassment at a child's lie, which she is fully aware is an untruth. Our children make a habit of embarrassing us, and sometimes they tell lies, but this usually all blows over. It seems that this must have been a quite major lie/accusation for you to feel you had to leave the house and go to a hotel, so I imagine that this was in a different league from the usual sort of storytelling that children indulge in.

As well as being hard for you, this must be a huge burden of guilt on your GD, finding herself the cause of such a major family breakdown.

I suspect that the long distance between you geographically makes it easier for your DD to bury her head and let it wash by her, rather than tackling the problem.

Personally I think that you should continue to send cards to retain the link - however tenuous. She is your DD; they are your family. You need to stand by the importance of family ties even if you get no response.

Do you have any other children or grandchildren?

mugnanny Thu 23-Jan-14 15:47:56

I have another daughter a working single mum who lives close by us but she has always been very close to her sister and does not want to end up "piggy in the middle" and I understand this completely. But having said that she is at a loss to understand her sisters attitude we were always a very close knit family with us helping with house deposits for both girls and with child care. I wonder if my daughter in Australia was feeling left out and stressed as the time for us to leave drew closer or am I making excuses for her. Her sister went to Australia to visit and as her holiday progressed she said her sister became a bit withdrawn and snappy. Very difficult.

libra10 Thu 23-Jan-14 15:53:50

It's such a shame that your daughter is being so unreasonable.

Obviously the extreme distance she is away from you doesn't help matters.

However, I think that you have done your best to resolve the issue, but unfortunately your daughter insists on blaming you. Your daughter is being heartless, in my opinion, and I feel that it's time to move on.

It's their loss. Best wishes for the future.

merlotgran Thu 23-Jan-14 15:55:09

I can understand your other daughter not wanting to be 'piggy in the middle', mugnanny but she can obviously see how unhappy the situation has made you and as it has gone on a long time I think she should intervene on your behalf. You say you helped both the girls with deposits and child care so I think you are at least owed a decent explanation.

Sitting on the fence in this case is a little bit selfish I think.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 23-Jan-14 16:13:22

Wasn't there another thread about this a little while back? Or was it just something very similar? confused

rosesarered Thu 23-Jan-14 16:36:57

I agree totally with libra10 but perhaps would have one last go at writing or emailing. Then I would stop all cards and gifts.I also agree with what merlotgran has said.This behaviour from your daughter is quite shocking.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 23-Jan-14 16:47:23

Did you try any of the advice offered last time you posted mugnanny?


Very sad that it is still troubling you.

merlotgran Thu 23-Jan-14 16:52:06

I thought it rang a bell. confused

mugnanny Thu 23-Jan-14 16:57:29

Yes have tried to ask casual questions by e-mail asking for photos of the girls but no reply also about gifts the girls would like, still no reply so think I have used up my entrances to a resolutions, think it best for all to call it a day and just send cards for the special occasions. thankyou for your advice.

libra10 Thu 23-Jan-14 18:06:36

Hope that your daughter eventually contacts you again, and you can re-establish a relationship.

Best wishes for the future mugnanny

Kiora Fri 24-Jan-14 08:38:57

It's so sad that both you and your husband are carrying this horrible pain. The bit about your husband finding it painful to even mention her name was particularly heartbreaking. I have no real advice because I really believe that this sort of heartache never really heals but a way has to be found to be able to bear it with a certain amount of fortitude. It sounds as if that's what you and your husband are doing. Stoically. No matter how well you cope on a daily basis every now and then the pain just erupts a bit like a volcano. Then you struggle again to find a way to try and resolve matters. So it's perfectly normal that you find yourself needing to post again hoping against hope that someone, anyone has an answer. It's also a safety valve. We can only 'batten down' these type of emotions for a short time and here is a safe place to just let it go. Perhaps you could write one more time and tell her how very upset you are and that as you and her dad move towards this stage of your life you would like to come to a solution that you could all live in peace with. Say you don't expect anything from her. Just the knowledge that she loves and thinks of you fondly will do. She needs to remember that she too may one day regret not resolving things. Relationships between siblings is very complex. More so than we think. When I'm stumped by something my own children let slip about each other and their relationships with us I think about my relationship between my own siblings and then I understand it better. I hope that a way can be found to ease the situation. It must be really hard for you if your husband can't talk about because you need to. We all need a shoulder to cry on when it's too much. I can understand why he can't but I also understand completely your need to and this is probably what this post is about so a big big (((((((hug)))))) to you.

Aka Fri 24-Jan-14 08:48:49

These things don't go away do they mugnanny? It sounds as if you are getting ready to move on and may need support during this process or perhaps when it gets too much you just need to tell someone.

There are others on GN who understand much of what you feel as they've been there themselves. In the meantime another (((hug))) and make the most of the daughter you have close by.

juneh Sat 25-Jan-14 10:32:36

Dear Mugnanny
What a horrible thing for you to experience. I know last year my daughter and I fell out on several occasions and I got very scared about it because we live at 2 different ends of the country, I don't know how I would have coped if they had gone to Australia.
I realise that there are many reasons now why we did fall out some of which I have written copiously about on various forums (relationships)
Have you thought about writing to the grandchild that you had the crossup with. Grandchildren need their grans. Also do you have any other children with whom you could talk or relatives to act as go betweens?
I realise we are all trying to offer some form of help and advise and only you know the real answer.
I do agree with some of the other respondence who suggest you write one last time and tell them how you miss them. Not with excuses or explanations but simply whatever has gone in the past surely cannot be bad enough to keep you all so estranged. Short and sweet.