To consider cutting contact with mother in law

Yes she always been a difficult "my way or no way" personality, and as she's got older and inevitably no longer the queen bee this makes her even more grumpy. She does have some good qualities doesn't moan too much about her health ( that would be an admission of weakness) , works hard and doesn't give up, but her constant criticism from the minute she gets in the door ("you haven't laid the table yet I see" or "I hope you're not cooking me sprouts as I had them for lunch " ) I know this sounds minor and we do try to smile and my DH says " the sergeant major's arrived" is irritating beyond belief. The racist remarks about the neighbours and personal attacks are less easy to smile at. I do compare her to my own gran who lived to be 100 and was sweet and smiley and loved to sing to us. Being nasty at any age is surely unacceptable, however I do know she won't change, won't apologise ( it's all my fault and she is only telling the truth after all is the way she sees it), so I will just keep my distance and try to avoid any further unpleasantness. I don't see myself avoiding her completely though. I know we all have a limited time , but this has been going on since she was widowed about 20 years ago. Before then she had her poor husband to terrorise. To be honest I've had enough of gritting my teeth.

I would challenge her a bit. Not over everything, but I would say, "Actually MiL we don't like racism in our house, much rather you didn't make that sort of comment". Say it calmly, in a non-confrontational way and smile. "Oh, I can't agree with you there". "No, I haven't laid the table yet, are you very hungry?". Mumsnet would suggest "Did you mean to be so rude?"
My MiL was cantankerous and would have just got more and more difficult if had let her get away with it.

Sorry interrupted by a delivery mid-post.
I would also let her see that bad behaviour has consequences. If you take her for coffee and she behaves well then you can say that it was nice and arrange a day to do it again. If she behaves badly, then leave it longer than normal to contact her. She may not get the message, but you will be in control.

Mamie

Suzied

Having had a lifetime of dealing with exactly the same MIL as yours I will say the advice Mamie has just given you is pretty much bang on. It sadly took me years to do it but it worked and we are now, reasonably sociable with each other.

The advert on the tele where the old granny leaves the room after being rude at the dinner table and bangs the piano keys on her way out and says "We never knew who your father was" always makes me smile as it sums her up to a tee.

At her age I would carry on with the contact but introduce the actions Mamie has mentioned. Why?. Because I would suspect you are the better person and one day you will be glad you did.

I wouldn't mind betting that there are many folk around you who have the situation sussed and I would say lastly, don't be hard on yourself if you start to take control, she may even respect you more.

Good luck.

If you have put up with it for a long time - you may as well carry on as she is 93.
Just bite your tongue and refuse to get into an argument.

However, if it is really upsetting you and making you feel stressed I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask your DH to visit his mother on his own or bring her to your house when you are out.
You don't HAVE to tolerate this if you don't want to.

Discuss with your DH - He should be helping you come to some sort of solution over this!

She sounds like a female Alf Garnet, suzied. I think your only option is to grit your teeth and try to see the funny side of some of her comments. You could also imagine a little thought bubble above your head where you store all the things you would really like to say but can't. I used to do this when I was teaching and it worked every time.

Does DH stand up for you to her face or only behind her back? I really think he should put your feelings first in these circumstances, and intervene immediately. If he insisted on taking her home early each time she is rude it is possible she might think before speaking out of turn!

I had the opposite problem with my ex MIL. She mistakenly thought I was wonderful. Until I divorced her DS!

My DH does support me, but he teases her too, which makes her mad (come to think of it most things seem to make her mad!). I agree I must be the bigger person and not let her get to me, but its very wearing! Ill try some of the strategies suggested, maybe even initiate a conversation (something I avoid like the plague). Fortunately we are away this weekend so excuse not to have her round, so we have an excuse not to see her for a bit, by which time she will no doubt have invented a story to justify her unpleasant comments.

MIL I know exactly where you are coming from.
The thing that upset me the most apart from the nasty comments was our children were always treated differently to my husbands sisters children.
She couldn't do enough for them, she took them on outings and had them stay for weekends, praised them until you were sick of hearing it.
I was never good enough for her son and she made it clear. we had nothing in common her only interest was bingo.
I tolerated her as you do to keep the cart on the wheels as you say and after the children grew up just visited occasionally with my husband, he was a very good son to her but when we moved out of the area I stopped visiting and we only had her occasionally for a stay over.
She died last year at 92 and she never realised that I was the one who asked the children to visit her because they never would have bothered since they didn't have a relationship with her.
I have to smile because after all the bragging about her daughters children being so clever they never did get to University but ours did, that must have really stuck in her throat.
As she got older my husband visited her on his own did the shopping and gardening staying over if she needed him.
My husband only realised later what a nasty person she could be he had made excused for her behavior for years.

Tell your husband you don't want her in your home, life is too short to put up with nasty people.