Gransnet forums


Mother's day acknowledgment!

(121 Posts)
Yummygran Wed 02-Apr-14 12:34:23

I don't know whether I should ignore the fact that I didn't have a card or in fact any acknowledgement for Mother's Day from my son. He has children himself so I know that he would have bought cards/gifts from his daughters for their mother, and so hadn't forgotten what day it was but until I sent him a text on Sunday about something unrelated to the day, he hadn't even been touch and then simply text back 'Happy Mother's Day'.

I didn't want an expensive gift or lots of fuss, but a simple card would have meant everything to me.

I don't know whether to say anything to him or not! But I feel so hurt.

janerowena Wed 25-Mar-15 12:02:10

That sounds very positive, I do hope it goes well for both of you. Hopefully it will help to bridge some of that generation gap, and there will be lots of reasons why both of you react as you do that neither have you have been able to explain to each other before.

Smileless2012 Tue 24-Mar-15 20:51:23

It's good to learn that things seem to be settling down rubylady. I hope your son's counselling goes well and I think that counselling for both of you is an excellent idea.

It's a huge positive that you and your son can see that there is a problem and are willing to work together to find a solution. We suggested mediation to our ES but to no avail. Of course we cannot know for certain, but I can't help but wonder if we'd been able to keep the lines of communication open, that we wouldn't have lost him for good.

flowersfor your rubylady, your strength of character and your love for your son deserve acknowledgement and respect.

soontobe Tue 24-Mar-15 10:24:49

Thanks annsixty. Yes, I was just saying what the initials meant, as two posters didnt know. Perhaps I should have been clearer.

I am glad that things are getting sorted rubylady.

rubylady Tue 24-Mar-15 10:00:57

True, I am sorry Soontobe. I have reported the post from Stansgran however and I have asked her in a private message to leave me alone from now on as I think she has a very warped sense of the world and has no understanding of what a person can go through in their life if she thinks that a 17 year old should be "over" something deeply affecting from his childhood. (By the way, he is 17, still a child, legally). Maybe he should "pull himself together" eh? Maybe he shouldn't have feelings? Maybe he should be fed to the lions because he made one mistake???? Gosh, stansgran you must be squeaky clean!

The minority spoil these websites for the majority in my opinion because acid comments like that (he is an evil spirit, poisonous, loathsome, a user and he needs replacing - by Stansgran!) stop others from posting their problems and they go on being upset and confused in private when they could genuinely turn to others who are compassionate to help. I pity you, Stansgran because with such barbed comments you must have been hurt in life to make you turn out so bitter like this against someone who you don't even know. Just keep away from me in future as you will get no reaction from me as you really are not worth it.

Thank you to everyone else who has helped me and my son. I am to set up counselling for us both as I think this would help us both understand each other better as we move into his adult years and my Autumn years. He is finding his way better with college now and he is going to his first counselling session this week. Like I said, we all make mistakes, the thing is to learn from them and to not make them again. Time will tell but he is determined to get his problems sorted and then he can begin his adult life with a much clearer mind and hopefully happier, which we all want for our children, don't we?

annsixty Tue 24-Mar-15 09:26:18

That really is a case of remarks being twisted, soon was explaining what LTB meant. Stansgran was saying what would be said on MN about an errant husband. Please read what is said.

rubylady Tue 24-Mar-15 09:10:47



soontobe Mon 23-Mar-15 22:18:13

Leave the baxxxxx

MiniMouse Sun 22-Mar-15 22:52:17

Lunch time beers according to Urban Dictionary confused Not very appropriate either.

Ana Sun 22-Mar-15 22:41:31

Sorry, should have said that I couldn't find any acronym applicable in this case - Looking To Buy doesn't seem to fit.

Ana Sun 22-Mar-15 22:38:15

What's 'LTB'? I can't find it on any acronym search.

nightowl Sun 22-Mar-15 22:31:23

rubylady you are a good! caring mum. You know your son best. Do what you think is right and do not be swayed by anyone else's opinion which can only be based on the limited information you give us in your posts.

Of course, if you feel at risk from your son you must take immediate action. But if not, and you feel there is enough good in him and in your relationship then follow your instincts. I feel uneasy about defining any young person in the terms you have used Stansgran.

Anya Sun 22-Mar-15 22:17:35

Make haste slowly SJP

Stansgran Sun 22-Mar-15 21:54:40

If I lived on a house where someone bigger stronger fitter younger struck me and took to their room and did not give me the time of day.... My first feeling was that. It must be poisoning the atmosphere and that I would be waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. Except I wouldn't . They would no longer be welcome in my house. If a husband were doing this you would be told to very nicely on Gransnet to see a solicitor. If on Mumsnet you would be told LTB. Why is this so different? And Ruby I am very sorry that you think my words are strong but step back and open your eyes. My initial thoughts were much stronger and I moderated them.

SJP Sun 22-Mar-15 18:05:40

All sound advice ladies which I will take on board. Done Christmas together, done wining and dining too but time isnt ripe yet.

Coolgran65 Sun 22-Mar-15 15:42:34

rubylady yes it was my husband who gave a 'good talking' to his nephew.

soontobe Sun 22-Mar-15 13:07:04

Little steps?

Next time you see him, ask for a thank you?

Anya Sun 22-Mar-15 12:51:44

Some suggestions might include
* asking him and his family over to spend Christmas with you or you going to them at Christmas
* when next you visit him, and the children are in bed, settle down with a bottle of wine and chat
* all go on holiday together

I'm just casting round here for ways to bring you and your son together in ways that might end up in a friendly chat, which ought to be quite a way before any 'honest conversations' .

Many years ago I fell out with a good friend's husband and we lost contact for ten years. Happily we got back in touch but it was several years after the reconciliation before I asked her husband what the issue had been. It all turned out to be a total misunderstanding but my point is we didn't 'go there' until the friendship had been firmly re-established.

SJP Sun 22-Mar-15 10:13:35

I still see him from time to time, mainly when we meet up for when he has contact with his 3 children and I help him out as 3 children under 7 is a handful. This support involves a 300 mile round trip for me, but its great I see them too. There is a history of enstrangement which is a long story and a complicated backj story involving his children and ex partner which I cannot disclose here. I suspect there is residual anger lingering from this as well as guilt and shame. . There was a reconciliation 2 years ago of sorts, and I have given him space to sort himself out but I am a little tired of his thoughtlessness and we do need to knuckle down to some honest conversations. It isn't just me but other famiky members too

Anya Sun 22-Mar-15 09:11:46

Does that mean you do still see your son SJP even if only occasionally?

SJP Sun 22-Mar-15 08:20:42

I know exactly how you feel. I had nothing ftom my son either. Not a card, a phone call or a message. Similarly Christmas, no card or present, likewise my birthday. Years ago I was very seriously ill and again nothing not even a phone call to see how I was. I am very hurt over his behaviour given the support I have given him over the years and still giving him in maintaining contact with his children. I think it is more than just thoughtlessness, more to do with passive hostility. Trying to talk about what the issues are is difficult. Any suggestions how I can approach him

Anya Wed 18-Mar-15 07:42:06

Nobody is suggesting you throw him out on the street Ruby but it might be better if he does get his own flat. I can tell you are reluctant to take that advice.

Many of us had fathers who left. Some were multiple leavers, going then coming back then going again. Once on Christmas Eve. Each time is traumatic but I would never have considered hitting my mother even though she could be physically and verbally aggressive.

I think this is an anger management issue, so do consider this type of 'counselling' for your son. You were clearly very upset by all this, but try to see things as the truly are and don't make excuses for his behaviour. Dropping milk cartons on the floor with the intention of leaving them for you to pick up is not 'hygienic' behaviour, it is either deliberately provocative or he couldn't care less.

Lona Wed 18-Mar-15 07:20:25

ruby you sound like a lovely, caring mum trying to do her best flowers

rubylady Wed 18-Mar-15 03:06:23

Sorry Soontobe no, my son always looks after everything, he is very good like that. Yes, he had a girlfriend but they split a couple of weeks ago but remained friends. He has a good circle of friends at college.

He is very hygienic. And he has had counselling for his dad leaving him but he refused at the time to open up and kept it all in. He now realises that this was the wrong thing to do as he is still suffering with it and wants to try again after crying his eyes out yesterday to the point of getting chest pains. I couldn't throw him out in that state, what sort of a mother would I be?

Hopefully the right counselling will be the way forward, for us both. flowers

rubylady Wed 18-Mar-15 03:00:56

Stansgran Evil spirit, poisonous, loathsome, and is a user? That is harsh. He is a 17 year old lad with issues about certain things including his father leaving him on the doorstep at 8 years old. There are lots of different things which have gone on in our family, most of which would make your hair curl and which I am not willing to put on here, but which my son now knows about, being older. He is a very sensitive person and I do think that people who take things more to heart have trouble with their minds and in keeping thoughts about what has happened at bay.

I have sorted out some counselling for him. He has said that he will be open and honest to whoever he is taking the counselling from, as he did do some but tried to hide most of what he was feeling but now realises that it has only come back to haunt him again. Hopefully that, and a thorough check up at the doctors to check for anything medically wrong will help to set him back on his way to good health.

I am not making excuses for him as what we both did was wrong. But like he says, we have been through some sh*t together and I am not willing to throw him out onto the street and make him homeless as this is the option for under 18 years olds and he isn't 18 yet. I want to set him up with a good life, to go to university and get the degree he wants and the job he is looking forward to doing, not destroy him because of one mistake. We have all made mistakes.

I am also going to sort out some family counselling for us both so that I can also learn from last weekend. It is no use just pinning the blame on him, I was at fault too. If I had not hit him, he would not have retaliated. It is time to take stock of us both being different people to a few years ago.

Coolgran What do you mean, the person who gave him a talking to was your husband? Or have I read it wrong????

Thank you to everyone who has posted on this, it has been a difficult weekend and my head has hurt with thinking since. Plus my heart is bruised with feeling awful about it all. But thanks, I really would be lost without you. X

Smileless2012 Mon 16-Mar-15 12:27:32

I was so sorry to read about what happened yesterday Rubylady; I hope things have settled down today and that you are feeling a little calmer.

Some excellent advice has been given to you on this thread and I do believe that your son finding alternative accommodation, at least for the time being, would be the best thing for you both.

I think you said that your husband was physically abusive during your marriage and it's some times the case that a cycle of abuse can be passed on to children, making them abusers. Your son may not have actually witnessed this, but maybe he would hear what was happening and see the results of the abuse. Perhaps his child hood memories have given him the wrong perspective on the relationship between men and women and that violence is acceptable.

I know that you struck out first which is indeed unfortunate but for a strong 18 year old who is 6'2" to respond in the same way, and then to strike you a second time without provocation is totally unacceptable.

Some time apart to give you both time and space could well be the answer and if at all possible, it would be better if you can talk about his moving out so it can be viewed as a mutual decision.

I hope you can find a way forward.