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the mother from hell

(60 Posts)
Silverfish Sat 05-Apr-14 21:24:50

Is it me or just the ageing process but my elderly mother 83, is such a tyrant , she never used to be like this, worked all her life and as a widow is comfortable financially. she has niggling health problems but goes out almost every day and has lots more friends than I have. The problem is she is so controlling, she lives in the same street and watches my car come and go and if I'm home early from work she is on the phone to see why Im back. she is kind hearted and has helped me out financially but if she gives me help she demands to know what ive spent. If I talk about redecorating she will say there is nothing wrong with what I have. I own a clothes airer that she gave me 20 years ago and I dare not replace it as she caught me throwing it out and gave me such a lecture about waste. I had a man friend and I used to have to sneak him out in the morning with a blanket over his head so she couldn't see there was anyone in the car. It has got so bad now that if I buy a magazine I have to hide it as I will get a lecture on wasting my money. She says no-one should buy new as we are all just upping profits for greedy manufacturers, her house is full of hoarded clutter that I hate. I just don't like to go to see her now as I know I will get into a fight over something Ive done. ~Anyone else got this problem

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 13-Apr-14 16:10:08

What I actually said was "the overall tone of the thread is becoming reminiscent of a Mumsnet "I hate my mum thread". Not the same thing.

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 13-Apr-14 16:14:56

I think I would have found it hard to refer to my mum as "the mother from Hell".

kittylester Sun 13-Apr-14 16:15:04

I'm with all the people who say it's very difficult to get out of being dominated by ones mother! I always argued with mine but it took DH to point out that it's easier to quietly do your own thing rather than getting into a 'situation'. It didn't make be nice to her until fairly recently though!

rockgran Sun 13-Apr-14 17:07:18

I think there is a real worry here that we are going to become that mother or mother-in-law from hell....or have already become her!!! When I became a mother-in-law I vowed not to behave like my own ex MIL but I live in constant fear that I may have different but equally irritating behaviour patterns. I'm aiming at becoming dotty rather than vicious but who knows? I even annoy myself sometimes! confused

geeljay Sun 13-Apr-14 22:57:51

I think it is the ageing process. Hopefully not dementia. But it may be time to tell her, without animosity, just how overbearing and unpleasant she has become. She may not like it, but she may, just, stop and ask herself if she has become that person. It is not likely to improve unless you take back your freedom of deed and thought. It may be a sort of bullying brought on by intolerance. It will make you feel better not putting up with it and letting that be known. Why should anyone allow another, to make them unhappy? I once faced a similar situation and the person was shocked to be told so. Good luck.

NfkDumpling Mon 14-Apr-14 07:57:03

I'm (was) an only child and can sympathise entirely with the OP. Mum and I always had a very tempestuous relationship. She was very jealous (admitted this but didn't see it as a fault) and thought the world was out to get her. All her friends at church thought she was a lovely lady, not realising how manipulative she was and never, never ever hearing her 'vent her spleen' on them, the family, the world in general. As she got older and more infirm and more vulnerable she got worse. I understood why, but it didn't help me cope with guilt being laid on me (in spades).
It didn't mean I didn't love her. I did, and still do. She was my mum, and a lot if the time things were good - especially when she had me to herself. But her demands ground me down.
Then I found I had friends with similar problems. So we formed AAARGH! Aged, Awkward, Argumentative Relatives Group Help! We had coffee or rang each other to unload confidentially. Similarly GN is a good place to download problems. Silverfish is not alone and I hope she feels GN is somewhere she can come to have a bit of a confidential moan.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 14-Apr-14 09:59:50

Maybe AIBU isn't the best place for it. Always seems to me as though the OP has some doubt herself.

ginny Mon 14-Apr-14 17:06:43

* jinglbellsfrocks * I am glad you have no problems with elderly or difficult relative and know just what to say or do. Although I do seem to remember you writing about some time ago about a 'tiff with a relative. Something that I thought at the time seemed very trivial. We all have different views on how to do or say things and perhaps we need to know all the circumstances before we sound too smug and sure about how we would react in the same situation.

Ariadne Mon 14-Apr-14 17:28:18

True, ginny! My mother was not easy, very passive - aggressive, did so much helping out and so much time telling you how much she had done, and so on and so on. And so much more controlling behaviour.

What we can do, as rockgran has indicated, is to ensure that we are aware of any of these possibilities within ourselves, and hope to learn not to be like that.

God knows, I try!