DD huge family take priority

Why did your son go along with her behaviour?

Smileless

When my s first came round with our d.i.l. (who wasn't our d.i.l. at the time), it took her a while to relax and be comfortable with us. We are a very demonstrative family and she had a very difficult rel. with her own parents.

As time went by we became close (or so I thought). Due to a huge fall out with her parents, they married abroad; my DH and I were the only guests. I went on her hen night. She wished I'd been her mum. We would talk, laugh and hug one another; it was wonderful.

Then she became pregnant and things changed. Once our gc was born, the very next day, she began to cool. They live just a 2 minute walk down the road. If we popped in (which we rarely did) we were wrong. If we didn't it was because we weren't interested. When we tried to make arrangements times, dates etc. these became increasingly difficult to arrange.

I was supposed to help out with child care when she went back to work. When they moved to our village just before they were married my s said it was so they could have free child care when the time came.

I kept asking her when we were going shopping together for the things I would need to care for our gc in our home but no arrangements were ever made. So, as the time was nearing I bought the things in my self. When I told them what had been bought I caught the look that passed between them.

So, with four hundred pounds worth of baby equipment in the house I waited for the 2 days a week child care to begin. Then I got a 'phone call from her, telling me that as she had a new job and would only be working 3 days a week, our gc would go a a childminder for 2 days and our s had arranged to consolidate his work into 4 days so he could have his child one day a week. Why? bec. I hadn't spent enough time with our gc and he didn't really know me. Also, they wanted "stress free and reliable child care".

False accusations from them ensued and the rel. began to deteriorate. We saw very little of our gc and now have no contact at all. It will be 2 years at the end of this month, when our gc was 8 months old; we haven't had any contact with him; no hugs, no cuddles, nothing.

Cards we send to our gc are returned along with cruel and vindictive letters from our s. The emails he has sent beggar belief. This isn't about a d.i.l. favoring her own parents/family over her in laws, although she has 'made up' with her own parents now. This isn't about us being over baring, critical or not 'biting our tongues'.

This is about a young woman who, from the moment she was welcomed in to our family was loved and supported emotionally, practically and financially and then decided she just didn't want us any more, and certainly didn't want us to have a relationship with her child.

This is about a man who having been loved and cared for emotionally, practically and financially for 27 years decided to cut his parents out of his life and take away from them their only gc.

Hard to believe I know, but even harder to have to live with.

TBH don't find that DIL's favour their parents over in-laws. I had great support and help from my MIL and my DIL and I get on well, she only sees her parents a couple of times a year. A relationship is a two way street and has to be worked at.

I have the same thing with my DS and his wife. It is different with my daughter - but to be honest, I think I also favoured my own family over my in laws when my children were little.
I think DiLs are more comfortable with their own parents rather than in laws,..and usually, the woman gets her own way?

If her parents speak to you about the baby, then definitely tell them the truth. That you are not given any time to see GC. Perhaps they will be flabbergasted and have a word with her.

It's worth a try anyway.

Or do you mean they rang you out of the blue?

Did you have an arranged time to see them tomorrow and you canceled?
Did i read that right?

I wouldn't talk about it with her parents. It doesn't have anything to do with them.
Talk to your son and just say you feel like a spare part, that you don't expect daily visits but once a week for an hour or 2 would be lovely.

thank you! i have told him, and also said I don't expect equal,time. He just gets dismissive and very angry...all by text as they haven't time even to ring. I know they have to adjust as new parents. Their offer of half an hour tomorrow was withdrawn when I said I was 200 miles down the M1 having not held much hope of them having time to see me. The alternative hakf hour agreed for Monday a.m was also dropped by then, son cos he had work at 10.30. I offered to sit and coo unsupervised for a bit anytime before then and they retorted that DIL would be going out at 10.30.
Do I let her parents know when they ask me about the baby that I'm basically not given the chance to see her for even an hour? (theynpop in any time and always have hours with her on sundays.)

I also don't agree.
My DH couldn't do enough for his mum when DD was born. We both couldn't. Bending over backwards springs to mind...but wasn't good enough.
Everything was about her, even when i was labour with DD2.

It's all about give and take aswell as respect.
I know a few mums who wasn't close to their MILS and made feel like ovens when their DCs was born.
If you have a friendship with her, then she will want to see you, meet up, have a coffee etc... Not as a 2nd daughter but as a friend.
If a friend has been in hospital for an operation you are kind and thoughtfull.
You don't allways get that after the birth of a baby.

If there's a frosty relationship there..its still there after the baby is born.

If a DIL and MIL don't see eye to eye then that's ok. Its the sons responserbility to keep it fair. To take or arrange days with his mum so she can see the DGC.

Ops son isnt doing that and he should.
He doesn't have to choose.
5 hours in 3 months isn't ok and it isn't fair on you OP
Talk to your son and try and make him see you miss him!

Good Luck! X

Gracesgran

Or should I say

I didn't say I liked it nightowl or even that it's true in my case, but there seemed to be a lot of thoughts along those lines.

I hate that saying Gracesgran. It always seems like a self fulfilling prophecy. I accept that the relationship with sons is different to that with daughters, but a lot of that comes down to personality as well as gender. It is important to make a friend of the DIL if at all possible, but to accept that she will naturally be closer to her own mother. There's no point trying to compete, just nurture the relationship with DIL and son.

And with daughters as well as sons, if in doubt, keep your mouth firmly shut! (I don't always manage that one)

All this seems to prove the very old saying:

A daughter's a daughter all your life,
A son is a son 'till he takes a wife.

Aswell. It was US that was taking DD to see MIL at a time and day that was allways best for her. DH would decline over time, i would change plans..then she would just cancel for silly reasons. She picked up and dropped my DD whenever she felt like it. Promise things then break them. All to a 3 year old.
It went on for years untill the birth of DD2 and she was just horrible..

So yeah..went abit off there! Sorry!

I was abit confused then! Haha

Oh i have. Believe me. There's only so much 1 person can do though
Ive posted about my MIL on gransnet just looking for advice...just incase i was missing something.
But no. Sadly its her. She is 'Toxic'.

I'm not saying the OP is btw! Just defending myself.

I think its your son that needs to step up tbh Op x

OhGod! I didn't mean you Redeaded!

Young women can be very selfish and lacking in empathy.

Couldn't you just make more of an effort with your m-i-l ReadheadedMommy?

Btw this was once a week. She allways saw her once a week when she didn't cancel

Is she a SAHM?
Do you have a close..or even a relationship with her?

For example. I'm a SAHM, my DH works full time. When my mom is off work, i see her and that goes for my dad and nan too. I see them about 4/5 times a week, sometimes more.

I never had a relationship with my MIL, not even what i'd call friends..i didn't like her and i wouldn't choose to spend time with her without DH. Obviously, i smiled and spoke to her but we just didn't gel.

She never would of as it involves effort on her part..but if she just 'popped in' it'd be weird. Theres just nothing there. I'd be awkward! If DH was there it would different.

If my DH was SAHD i wouldn't expect him to spend time with my parents if he didn't like them. I'd just take DD to see them when i was off.

If your DGC wasn't born..would you just see her? On her own? Just the 2 of you?

I allways asked DH to take DD to see his mom for an afteroon if/when he finished early and i'd the ironing or eat cake..

Could you try and sugest that?

I've mentioned this before but not [I think] on this thread. Sometimes the more we do to help them the more they [inwardly] resent it as they feel they should be more self sufficient and feel more at ease with people that don't help so much. Families are so unbelieveably complicated [at least mine is ]. I think I've learned to let it wash over me now and be grateful for what I have, but it's taken a while to reach this state of Nirvana......

I agree with Hunt it has always been so I'm afraid, and I've probably been guilty of it when my own children were small. Its human nature to be more comfortable with ones own family around and takes good will and understanding to include ones partners family as much as your own, some people are better at it than others. It also requires understanding on the part of all family members.

Mothers of sons getting a raw deal? 'Twas ever thus.

I do feel for all of those MILs in this sorry situation. I can understand why a woman might cling to her own mother a bit at first, but not to understand the needs of her MIL as time goes by is a huge shame - both she and the children will miss out.

But I do think the advice to zip the lip and take it on the chin is wise.

I only have DDs, but they all include their in-laws in their family and its activities and have done so right from the start. I feel quite proud of them for that - even though on very rare occasions I might feel marginally put out as one set is much nearer the in-laws than us, so they see more of them. It can work both ways!!!