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DD huge family take priority

(84 Posts)
shoreham55 Mon 16-Jun-14 16:39:48

DD has large local family. Saw grandchild for 30 mins on day 2, since then not at all, although DD has her family round to the house( that I provided) daily. Have asked to be allowed round for 10 mins. Son says I mustn't keep tally but I do feel last in the queue. I know they are tired and have offered help strictly on the basis of tell me and I'll do it. DD family just pop in whenever they like and stay as long as they like. how do I stop beginning to feel resentful about this lack of fairness? I know exactly equal time isn't going to happen but I would like to feel that I am not the inconvenient after thought.

rosesarered Mon 16-Jun-14 16:47:48

Hello shoreham do you mean [daughter-in-law] DIL rather than DD [dear daughter?] If so, I am afraid that Mother-in-law always takes a back seat to the other Mother, it's just the way it is. Depends how your son reacts to it and tries to arrange things.As a MIL I never drop in, but always arrange with DIL beforehand.I am aware that her family probably do drop in , but your own Mum is different.I think as the grandchildren grow older it will become easier to arrange things, maybe have them stay over with you for a break. Try not to let it become a sore point.

kittylester Mon 16-Jun-14 17:15:50

Wise words roses!

annodomini Mon 16-Jun-14 17:24:54

You say you saw GC for 30 minutes on day 2, but don't say how long ago that was. Weeks? Months? Do you have a friendly relationship with your DiL's extended family?

Kiora Mon 16-Jun-14 17:36:13

It's really hard isn't it shoreham. I hate the feeling that I get over this sort of stuff. I always feel as if we come at the end of the queue. My DiL, my son took her farther and mother out for a meal yesterday for Father's Day. We weren't invited. It rather sticks in my craw that it's my sons money that pays for all this stuff. The big green monster strikes again. But I keep my big mouth shut. I bought him up to be responsible and he is. He puts his wife and children first. That's how it should be. But I don't like it. Not one bit. They are not horrible to us. She can be very sweet and generous just not as generous as she is with her own family. envy envy shame on me

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 16-Jun-14 17:40:34

Not shame on you at all kiora. Not at all sure I could keep my mouth shut.

KatyK Mon 16-Jun-14 17:58:47

Not shame on you at all Kiora. I would feel the same. I think a lot of us feel we are at the back of the queue. Unfortunately I didn't keep my mouth shut once. It made matters worse, so I keep it zipped now, although at times I am bursting with annoyance.

Mishap Mon 16-Jun-14 18:11:26

I am beginning to think I am very lucky to have produced only daughters! But, having said that, they do seem to get on fine with their MILs who have a fair share of time with the GC.

Shoreham - the only advice I can give you is to say nowt! - it will open up a much bigger can of worms. I can understand how you are feeling and it is very hard; but least said and all that - your turn will come one way or another, but not if relations become soured.

KatyK Mon 16-Jun-14 18:39:08

Mine is a daughter, not a son but we still seem to be at the back of the queue these days sad I would still advise say nowt though. My DD accused me of being 'up my own bum' when I asked why she went on outings with her friends and their mums and I was the only one not invited.

rosequartz Mon 16-Jun-14 18:48:03

I wonder if they will be quick to call for help if the others are not available? hmm it has to work both ways. They should keep you sweet in case, I think.

Kiora, sorry to hear that you weren't invited out yesterday. DIL lost her father last year so they came to us yesterday, with her DM as well, and I hope they enjoyed themselves. Always a bit poignant, the first significant dates in the year after a loss.

Perhaps they should be gently reminded that we won't be around for ever? Don't want to sound morbid but it's true.

grandma60 Mon 16-Jun-14 19:19:06

Not quite the same thing I know but son lives at the other end of the country with his wife and new twins. My Dil has a very close family who are all.rallying around to help and I know it will be much needed. Even before the babies were born I have felt that I have lost my son to his new family I do remind myself that I would have hated to of felt that he was not wecomed but it is still hard. Not his fault, he sends lots of photo,s and calls regularly. Still we are looking forward tio visting in a few weeks.

sara4 Mon 16-Jun-14 20:07:42

Many of us on here who have married sons can recognise much of what is being posted. There are many times when we feel really hurt, DH too. It starts right from the wedding doesn't it. Note the advert on the right hand side of Gransnet, Outfits for the mother of the bride (and as an after though in brackets) the groom's mother! Haven't really a chip on my shoulder but it looks as if it I am not alone. I do hear weekly from our sons.

janerowena Mon 16-Jun-14 23:25:11

All these posts do make me feel very sorry for women with only sons. I know my daughter is far better at remembering my feelings than my son will ever be, although I know he loves me. I spend a fair amount of time nowadays saying things like 'when you find someone special to live with, you must offer to make them a drink at the same time that you make one for themself', and today wishing that I and other mothers had thought to train daughters up to be more considerate of the partner's mother. Although mine is, actually. Her MiL is brilliant. If I lived nearby we would probably go out together and my daughter would feel left out. grin

Eloethan Tue 17-Jun-14 02:10:59

shoreham (and kiora) It sounds very unfair to me and I think I would resent it too. As has been said, though, it is probably better to say nothing than to have an argument that may well make things even worse.

kittylester Tue 17-Jun-14 06:56:52

DH and I must have been brilliant parents wink as all three of our daughters are very considerate of their in laws but with varying degrees of success! DD3's Mil does like to have the children but only between noon and 4 as she 'does' things in the morning and 'puts the oven on' at 4pm!

DS1 does not have children and DS2 has stepchildren who had a well established relationship with their DGP before they came into our lives!

I would recommend keeping your own counsel and being available when needed!

JessM Tue 17-Jun-14 07:20:42

When the first baby arrives it is often a difficult time for someone in the wider family. Grandmothers rarely have equal involvement for one reason or another. Jealousy and rivalry lurk in the wings and it is a challenge to deal with them (just when we thought we were really grown up, these powerful unpleasant feelings rear their heads, dammit and we have to learn to cope with them)

Some young couples are mature enough and considerate enough to be even handed between his and her parents. But the week they become parents they are probably still going to be focussed on the baby and not on keeping everyone else happy.

Aka Tue 17-Jun-14 07:22:55

I agree with Eloethan and others who, while they understand how you feel, advise that 'least said, soonest mended'.

Ariadne Tue 17-Jun-14 11:43:24

I have been very, very lucky with my two Ds-i-L and their families. But I do remember how difficult was my relationship with me MiL; she never forgave me a) for getting pregnant (b for marrying him c) for being, as she saw it, from a lower class. Every other word was a sneer. When DSiL got married - "She is doing it properly, of course." (She had discovered the pill...)

They lived in Germany, and did make the effort to come over regularly, only for her to express surprise at how lovely and well behaved the DC were. we couldn't afford to go over often, because of course we "hadn't made the best start in life."

I am, however, very glad that I never said anything, just bit my lip. My goodness, what a rant.

Mishap Tue 17-Jun-14 11:46:31

Rant away Ariadne! - it sounds as though you have had decades of biting your tongue - it must be very sore by now!!

Mishap Tue 17-Jun-14 11:49:23

My in-laws were weird to the point of complete eccentricity! MIL was not interested in children - her mind was on higher academic things! FIL obviously thought I was nuts, so he just washed by me - his fascist rantings were best blocked out! They certainly weren't fighting to have the children - perhaps that was a good thing!

janerowena Tue 17-Jun-14 15:17:47

It was. You never know what could rub off on them. I only once stepped out of line, with my own daughter, and that was enough to make me realise the damage that could be done with a prospective DiL. Small GS was lingering by a toy shelf in Boots and we were rapidly losing the rest of the family, so I tried to drag him bodily away. Cue screams. DD went mad, and said that all I had needed to do was explain that I didn't have enough money to pay for it! So I suspect that any future DiL relationships (if ever) will involve a question asked on how to proceed before every single move I make!

annodomini Tue 17-Jun-14 16:05:41

Like you, Ariadne, I am lucky with my DsiL. I have a friendly relationship with both of them. They are great mums and would never even consider keeping me at arm's length. My late MiL could talk for England. All anyone needed to do was nod and smile and say yes and no as necessary. In hindsight I think she was a little overawed by me hmm, though I never shut her out in any way. I think if we had lived closer, though, she might have become irritating! My tact could have been challenged.

Kiora Wed 18-Jun-14 21:22:40

Oh even more shame on me blush my son has just turned up with two shirts for his dad and 2 tickets for them both to go on a days driving experience bought by my DiL for Father's Day. He apologised for being so late. Oh I do feel bad.

janerowena Wed 18-Jun-14 21:51:21

No, don't, I feel for DBH if the children are late with their gifts for him. A call or email or something with a 'sorry but' would help.

Humbertbear Thu 19-Jun-14 07:56:29

We have been very fortunate that our son was the stay at home carer for 8years so when he needed help we were his default call and if he needed some adult company he would come over to us for coffee. We know we have seen far more of the grand children than we would have done had he not been the one to stay home.