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Found out that I have grandchildren!

(74 Posts)
janematt12 Sat 02-Aug-14 15:48:00

Hello everyone. I am in such a state right now and could really use some kind words/advice.

My son married two years ago, we had a close family bond for a long time but he always felt like the black sheep. We got on well with his partner initially and she seemed like a positive influence, he came out of his shell a bit more because she is a strong character. I was glad about this because he used to be shy and ended up being a doormat, she encouraged him to stick up for himself. But he became more distant from us over time and they moved away. They like to be private which I don't understand, I wish they would tell me what is going on in their lives. This lead to many arguments within the family and we didn't think we would be invited to their wedding but we were, although my daughter wasn't.

Their wedding was in our hometown and they returned to their city soon after, we barely hear from them even at Xmas etc. I don't think I have the correct number for them anymore. I know they have visited our hometown to see friends and so on, but we haven't seen them for two years.

Anyway, I was out for lunch earlier this week with my daughter (who my son detests and didn't invite to the wedding) and my mum (his gran) and we saw my daughter-in-law with two children! She came into the same restaurant to meet a friend with a boy approx 18 months and a newborn baby. My mum went over and DIL confirmed they were her little ones, "daddy is at work so we're having a day out". DIL didn't turn around or acknowledge me or my daughter at all.

This is a complete shock to me. I knew my relationship with my son/DIL was strained, but not this much. I really don't know what to do, please help.

Marelli Sat 02-Aug-14 16:10:33

You must be so shocked and hurt, janematt12. Did you feel wary of going over to speak to your daughter-in-law, yourself?

Nonnie Sat 02-Aug-14 16:12:39

jane I have no advice to give just a big hug and sympathy for such a shock. flowers

janematt12 Sat 02-Aug-14 16:16:09

I can't quite explain what my emotions were at the time! I could not believe my eyes, I was too shocked to approach DIL. My mum went over of her own accord and said DIL was kind and polite, which she always has been with son's grandparents. They have no issue with them, but there is no contact. Probably because they know we will be told.

We have had hardly any contact from them in the last few years, I have seen DIL around when she visits but she tends to blank me. She thinks it is for my son to sort out. They are very protective of their life and are strictly private, I don't even know where my son works or lives. I know the city and that's it. But I would have thought that they would have told us that they were expecting a child, and another!

Tegan Sat 02-Aug-14 16:33:57

I don't know what to say except I feel shocked for you and, as Nonnie has done will send you a hug. I bet that, when you saw your DIL it was as if you were in a strange, surreal dream. You must be shocked to the core sad.

Lona Sat 02-Aug-14 16:47:32

janematt12 How very upsetting for you and sad for your gc not to have you in their lives flowers

Nonu Sat 02-Aug-14 16:49:17

That is so terrible! What I think is even more terrible that unless things change dramatically, those children will never know you as their Granparents.

To me that is so very wrong of your Son & DIL, to deny that bond , as to me, children cannot have too many people in their lives who love and cherish them.

This is an extremely sad situation all the way round !

Smileless2012 Sat 02-Aug-14 16:51:39

I can't begin to imagine what a terrible shock it must have been for you Jane. I wish I had some words of comfort but all I can do is send you someflowersand wish you well.

janematt12 Sat 02-Aug-14 16:53:34

Is there anything I can do?

Things broke down with my son after many silly arguments and it ended in no contact. I don't even know where they live, but DIL visits friends in my area sometimes. I saw her in passing a few months after their wedding but we did not speak, I assume she doesn't want to be involved in our arguments. But I had no idea she was expecting then!

glammanana Sat 02-Aug-14 16:56:20

janematt12 How very sad this has happened and what a shock it must have been for you,I am surprised none of their friends have mentioned it to you or your family before now how strange that is.
Is this boy your only son ? Can your husband not get to speak to your son and tell him how upset you are with things as they are and what a shock it was to find out you had DGCs I don't know what else to suggest except try and keep calm and hope things turn out for the best in the

janematt12 Sat 02-Aug-14 16:56:52

It feels like this argument has been going on for so long, they have moved on and forgotten we even exist.

janematt12 Sat 02-Aug-14 16:59:02

glammanana :

A year ago, DIL's sister approached me at a party and told me my son and DIL were well, but stressed out because they had to move to temporary accommodation while their house was remodelled. She gave me DIL's mobile number and I left a message asking what was going on, my son called back on a withheld number and demanded that I stopped gossiping about them. DIL changed her number soon after.

I don't understand what their problem is? It makes me sad to hear news about them from someone else. And I can't do right in their eyes. DIL's sister didn't mention their son, who would have been born around that time I assume.

My husband turned up at my son's previous workplace after an argument a year before they married, which just added to the tensions.

Mishap Sat 02-Aug-14 17:08:33

There is clearly some serious history here that we cannot grasp - things must have gone very badly wrong to get to such a situation. Do you have any idea what caused the rift? Is it something that you might be able to tackle in a new way?

Do you have any other GC? I do hope so.

This has been a shock for you and you must be very upset - I send all my sympathy.

dorsetpennt Sat 02-Aug-14 17:10:18

This is so like a work colleagues story. Her son met a very strong minded girl who wanted him to drop his family entirely and just concentrate on her and her family. Though my friend and her husband was invited to the wedding, they were stuck on a table far from the family [ the others at the table were somewhat shocked that my friend and her husband weren't on the top table as tradition dictates]. They weren't introduced to anyone, the bride avoided them, they just about managed to kiss their son. When they asked their son about getting them a wedding present, his response was 'we don't want anything from you'. My friend has two other children, there are grandparents, aunts , uncles and cousins. None of whom were invited.
She then found out via friends that she is a grandmother. Rang her son and said they'd loved to see the baby but was told that wasn't going to happen. Finally her husband rang his son and asked why they were being treated like this. The son said his wife feels that in order for them to be happy he needs to cut himself off from his side of the family. There have been no rows or upsets whatsoever. Have you ever heard of anything so awful? How weak he is to go along with it and what on earth do her parents think?

glammanana Sat 02-Aug-14 17:12:26

Oh dear it sounds as though they really do want their lives to be private doesn't it,I wonder if they see the other set of grandparents ? or have cut themselves off completely I would not call what DIL's sister said as gossiping but it sounds as though you son has taken it the wrong way,at the moment I would leave things as they are and get used to the fact you are grandparents a shock in it's self I imagine,and at a later date try and make gentle contact via a third party for possibly a letter to be sent with all your good wishes for them and the babies.

janematt12 Sat 02-Aug-14 17:15:08

I have no other GC. I can't even process that I am a grandmother, it seems surreal.

We were not at the top table at my son's wedding and felt quite pushed out, but DIL wanted the focus on them. She lost both her parents and felt uncomfortable with the mother/father of the groom focus when there were not M/F of the bride, which made me angry. We were put on the table with other relatives and they shared the top table with best man and maid of honour.

Riverwalk Sat 02-Aug-14 17:33:16

I think there's a glimmer of hope for you, in that DIL was kind and polite when your mother approached her in the restaurant - it means that she's not totally unreasonable.

Like dorset I know of a family who did the same, and there was no obvious falling out. For whatever reason some couples decide to live a very closed private life, to the exclusion of others.

Whatever you do don't jump in with both feet - try to make contact via mutual friends/relatives and send a short friendly note that you understand their life-style choice but you and DH would be pleased to see the children occasionally.

Smileless2012 Sat 02-Aug-14 17:41:18

If only there was some identifiable reason when something like this happens Mishap but all too often there isn't one. Jane says they had a close family bond and initially got on reasonably well with their d.i.l. OK so there were some disagreements but what could be so terrible, so unforgivable, for a son to have no contact with his own parents, not tell them where he is living and that he has 2 children of his own.

I've asked myself a thousand times why our s has turned his back on us and taken away our only gc now two and half, who we've had no contact with since he was 8 months old. We were extremely close for 27 years and thought we got on well with our d.i.l. How wrong we were.

Despite all we have been through, and having heard so many similar and equally distressing stories, yours Jane is one of the saddest I've ever come across.

Smileless2012 Sat 02-Aug-14 17:47:50

I have to disagree Riverwalk to be in the same restaurant as your m.i.l. with her two gc that she didn't even know existed, and be prepared to stay there is cruel and vindictive. The fact that she was prepared to ignore the children's grandmother but talk to their great grandmother was rubbing salt in to the wound. I don't think unreasonable begins to sum her up.

janematt12 Sat 02-Aug-14 17:49:10

I understand that they are married now, have their own family and lives to get on with. But why not tell us they were expecting?

Saying that though, we haven't had a christmas card in the last few years. Hardly any contact unless it's to tell us to back off.

KatyK Sat 02-Aug-14 17:54:32

How dreadful for you jane. How cruel this is. The 'cut out of their lives' thread may be of some comfort/help to you.

Grannyknot Sat 02-Aug-14 18:56:01

jane how sorry I am for you. I don't know what to say, relationships can be so complex and challenging. You'd think that someone who has no parents of her own (your DIL, if I understood correctly) would welcome having some grandparents for her children. It is all very strange.

I don't know what you can do, I am completely flummoxed.


Minty Sat 02-Aug-14 18:57:52

You may find this thread useful

henetha Sat 02-Aug-14 19:01:50

Honestly, words fail me. How absolutely sickening. Why on earth are they being so unkind? I don't know what to suggest, but send you my fervent good wishes and hope that somehow they will have a change of heart.

bblister Sat 02-Aug-14 19:03:30

janemat Are you sure they are your sons children, did this girl have children BEFORE she was with your son?

Its a terrible thing to be at feud with your son, make peace with him what ever it takes smile