Gransnet forums


Found out that I have grandchildren!

(75 Posts)
janematt12 Sat 02-Aug-14 15:48:00

Hello everyone. I am in such a state right now and could really use some kind words/advice.

My son married two years ago, we had a close family bond for a long time but he always felt like the black sheep. We got on well with his partner initially and she seemed like a positive influence, he came out of his shell a bit more because she is a strong character. I was glad about this because he used to be shy and ended up being a doormat, she encouraged him to stick up for himself. But he became more distant from us over time and they moved away. They like to be private which I don't understand, I wish they would tell me what is going on in their lives. This lead to many arguments within the family and we didn't think we would be invited to their wedding but we were, although my daughter wasn't.

Their wedding was in our hometown and they returned to their city soon after, we barely hear from them even at Xmas etc. I don't think I have the correct number for them anymore. I know they have visited our hometown to see friends and so on, but we haven't seen them for two years.

Anyway, I was out for lunch earlier this week with my daughter (who my son detests and didn't invite to the wedding) and my mum (his gran) and we saw my daughter-in-law with two children! She came into the same restaurant to meet a friend with a boy approx 18 months and a newborn baby. My mum went over and DIL confirmed they were her little ones, "daddy is at work so we're having a day out". DIL didn't turn around or acknowledge me or my daughter at all.

This is a complete shock to me. I knew my relationship with my son/DIL was strained, but not this much. I really don't know what to do, please help.

Smileless2012 Thu 07-Aug-14 17:14:21

flowersfor you Londoner and atbsmileto know that you're at least in touch with one of your gc. You said this situation has been going on for years, ours has been for almost 2 years now and as time passes it becomes a little easier, as the pain becomes a little less intense but I very much doubt it ever goes away completely.

Nonu Thu 07-Aug-14 12:31:39

How ever much you are hurting inside !

Nonu Thu 07-Aug-14 12:30:36

I think when you are cut- off you just have to be pragmatic about it, else you would drive yourself daft with worry IMO !

Mishap Thu 07-Aug-14 12:12:42

Londoner - you have done so well to accept the situation and move on, but I am sorry to hear that this has been inflicted on you. How wonderful that you have a good relationship with your GS.

Yogagirl Thu 07-Aug-14 11:17:15

flowers Londoner & brew tbbiscuit tbsmile

Londoner Thu 07-Aug-14 10:26:32

Jane, it's no consolation to you, but sadly, you're not on your own.

I learned I was a great grandmother by looking on Facebook !!!!!

I have a son and daughter....son has three sons and daughter has one daughter. We also have three great grandchildren. None of my family speak to hubby or me (because we don't give son or daughter money when they ask). We only have our pensions as income. We have contact with our eldest, 31 year old grandson, who we absolutely adore and he adores us too.

This "cutting us off" has gone on for years now. We've just had to accept it.

granjura Tue 05-Aug-14 19:48:51

maybe janematt are even the grandchildrens' names- far too personal and so easy to pick up. Just not worth thinking about consequences- please.

rosequartz Tue 05-Aug-14 19:15:20

shock didn't realise that!

Grannyknot Tue 05-Aug-14 15:36:25

Also, re these forums being public - look at the LH side of the page, anyone can share it on their Facebook page, or Twitter, or Google circle (if you hover with the mouse on the g+1 it reads "Publicly recommend on Google". I'd be cautious.

Smileless2012 Tue 05-Aug-14 13:47:53

Like Yogagirl Jane, I was going to post and say how nice I thought your message was to your son, and then I read his response and to say I wasshockwould be an understatement.

We, like too many others have been on the receiving end of awful notes and emails, but nothing as upsetting as the one you've received. I can't imagine why some one who isn't a gran would go on this site, unless of course they were looking to see if an estranged parent or in law was using a site like this for support.

As Yogagirl says, if my son and/or d.i.l. were to read any of the posts I have made and identified me, they wouldn't be reading anything they didn't already know; they may never be able to face up to what they have done, but that doesn't make it any the less true.

We too are having to come to terms with the loss of our s and gc; it's painful beyond words, but we have no other choice. We've tried to reach out to our s but failed on numerous occasions. Clearly your son has a lot of anger and in his present state of mind I don't see how you can hope to connect with him.

You are not alone, as Yogagirl mentioned there is a 'cut out of their lives thread' which you may find helpful just to read. It really does help knowing that others are in the same situation and that you are not alone. flowersand best wishes for you Jane.

granjura Mon 04-Aug-14 18:37:28

Especially as the OP's Forum name is probably her own and her OH's.

Everything on this Forum is out there on the Net- and it is very easy for people to see it- recognise a situation, either their's or a relative's or friend's. It is very easy indeed- and could make things much much worse. Ask GN to change your Forum name to something that cannot be identified and to erase the message sent my your son and other more personal detail.

rosequartz Mon 04-Aug-14 18:14:59

They don't have to look very hard, yogagirl. The threads come up on a google search.

Yogagirl Mon 04-Aug-14 18:07:40

I find it hard to believe that anyone outside us on here could find this thread, or would want to search for it. I don't hide anything, as I am telling a true story, & if my D & s.i.l saw it they wouldn't read anything they didn't already know!

Yogagirl Mon 04-Aug-14 18:02:38

Janematt so sorry to hear your sad estrangement from your S & GC. I was going to write what a lovely letter you wrote to your S & then saw his reply, it was shocking! & it doesn't look as if a reconciliation is on the cards right now. Was it a closed message to your S on FB? If it was open, his friends would be able to see it, if you don't normally go on FB you wouldn't know the difference. I've been on FB for years and am still learning what is private & what is not.
My s.i.l turned my D to hate me & her sister & the rest of our family, I haven't seen them for almost 2yrs now, I had a very close & special bond with my GD & my D, as they lived with me before s.i.l came into the picture & that is why my s.i.l & his mother wanted me out. My GD is not his child, so he & his mother were jealous of our special bond! I did & said nothing wrong to warrant being cut out. My story & others the same are on the 'cut out of their lives' thread, which maybe helpful to you.
I have had to except that there is nothing I can do about the situation & I have to get on with my life without them in it, no matter how painful that is on a daily basis & it looks like you will have to do the same flowers

Tegan Mon 04-Aug-14 14:29:37

jane; I really feel that you should get this thread [or parts of it] deleted but you still need the advice and support you'll get here. If there is any chance of a reconciliation with your son, if he knows you have posted his reply it will ruin everything. But please stay on the forum. When I was extranged from my daughter for a short time gransnet really helped me.

Marelli Mon 04-Aug-14 14:12:04

I can understand that you've been needing to talk about this awful situation, janematt12, so I also understand the response you were hoping for. A bit of comfort and possibly a bit of advice when you just didn't know which way to turn.
I'm also experiencing a situation where my DD has cut herself away from me, and I don't know why. I've now come to realise that there's absolutely no more I can do to make this any different. She's unlikely to accept me back into her life, so I just have to move on. Oddly enough, I've managed to do this, after the initial shock and grief of the loss of her once more (previously estranged for 7 years and an interlude of 3 years where things were ok again).
I'm able to know she's ok because the rest of my family are in touch with her, so that's all I need to know. If it makes her happy to have me out of her life, then so be it. All I want is for her to be happy.
Your mother has been able to speak to your DiL and can see that all seems fine. Perhaps you'll have to accept this as all there's going to be for the present time. My heart goes out to you, but take comfort in the fact that in time, things may just improve. flowers

Aka Mon 04-Aug-14 13:44:22

This thread ought to be deleted. Your son's response should never have been posted. It was too private and too sad. I don't know what response you were expecting from GNetters but I'd back away from this situation, as asked, and get on with your own life.

granjura Mon 04-Aug-14 13:32:49

You could ask for the thread to be deleted- and yet continue to discuss the issues and ask for advice, without the initial very detailed info.

granjura Mon 04-Aug-14 13:20:30

A new friend mentinned on a French Forum that she had met and visited us- and gave some detail about where we live and professions. Within a few hours, 2 ex colleagues from the UK got in touch and said 'guess what- someone has been talking about you on such and such a Forum'. We were quite shocked- so it is a small world out there, and not always a nice one- as i found out on another occasion on the net.

rosequartz Mon 04-Aug-14 13:16:21

Good idea to get the thread deleted, this is all available on the www, it is not a closed site.

glammanana Mon 04-Aug-14 13:07:36

I agree totally with granjura and ask for the thread to be erased it gives far too much information and identifies your Son and DIL and could make things so much worse if they happen to come across it.
With regard to "but needs must" I do think you have to think of you Sons & DIL & DGCs needs and not just your own,its a sad situation but something has happened that seems to have made a lasting impression on your son.

janematt12 Sun 03-Aug-14 22:30:20

I don't have their address or home phone, the mobile number I have for my son has been cut off too. So Facebook was the only way I could get in touch.

I don't rate it at all - causes too many problems in my opinion! But needs must

Mishap Sun 03-Aug-14 21:40:00

I am sure you are right granjura - sometimes things are unique and instantly identify people (like the messages above). Facebook and twitter are two things I steer clear of.

I have been known to alter facts very slightly to prevent recognition on Gnet, without altering the substance of the post. I am sure that others do that too.

granjura Sun 03-Aug-14 21:01:51

Dreadful situation to be in - but i agree that FaceBook and even Gransnet are very dangerous places to communicate these sorts of matter and to discuss those issues. You cannot believe how easy it is for people to recognise other people and situations. Personally I'd ask Gransnet to erase this thread asap- in case it makes things much much worse.

Good luck- it must be very painful.

rosequartz Sun 03-Aug-14 18:04:51

I suggested a handwritten letter in an earlier post, but perhaps Facebook is the way people communicate these days.