Gransnet forums


Question if you have an ex & remarried

(44 Posts)
overthehill Sun 10-Aug-14 16:53:47

If you have been married before and then remarried how do you feel about the time with husband/wife number 1 or maybe 2 or 3 etc.

My husband was married for 9 years to his ex-wife and I to was married before for 6 years. We have been together 41 years and married 40 years come September.

The reason I ask is this, my first marriage although it must have had it's high points, I really can't bring them to mind and hardly give it a thought especially after all this time.

DH however, comes out with little snippets like this today, when he remarks on his first home he had and how it was special as it was his first home away from his mums place. Bearing in mind his wife left him for someone else it never ceases to amaze me how he looks back on pleasant times during this marriage.

Of course maybe I never quite matched up to his ex in his eyes. Although he has never left me in doubt that he loves me very much and is a good husband he does occasionally, not constantly come out with things like that which I find annoying and surprising.

gulligranny Tue 12-Aug-14 22:23:21

Both OH and I have been married before and we often talk about our previous experiences - then we have a big hug and thank our lucky stars that we got through them and found each other! But seriously, the years we spent with other people are part of what has made us "us" and I'm very happy that we both feel secure enough in our relationship not to have to think twice about what we can and can't say to each other.

(I might not have phrased it exactly right there, but hopefully you get my drift ....)

overthehill Tue 12-Aug-14 22:47:40

Yes I take all your comments on board, thank you all very much.

It isn't so much what he says which annoys (and it is just mild annoyance, not outright anger) it's the fact he can remember holidays with the ex. furniture they bought etc. yet just the other day I mentioned our daughter on one holiday spent all her time in the sea just like her son does now and he couldn't remember any of it.

I sort of feel that they are not as important to him as his first born son.

janerowena Tue 12-Aug-14 23:40:26

I feel really bad now, I often reminisce and never thought twice about it, as long as it was nothing that could possibly hurt DBH. I talk about old homes and places I visited, places we went to, after all, it's my past and I am also interested in his past, why would I not talk about it? Maybe we both just feel secure enough not to worry. I would hate to have to be scared about what I could talk about. Your OH isn't comparing you, I bet, no more than I am comparing my two husbands. This one is far, far nicer than the last one. But I did go to some of the same places, and it was the places I enjoyed and not the company. Not often, anyway. I had good times but really should never have married Ex.

Having had a child by each has helped in a way, because of course DS often wants to know about DD's previous life. We were away last week in my home county and he wanted to see a couple of the houses we had lived in in our past life!

louisamay Wed 13-Aug-14 00:11:14

I have been with my husband for 38 years but I was married before for 6 years and it's ME that sometimes refer to the years with my ex!! The reason being that we (the ex and myself) were both in the forces where we spent a lot of time overseas, and were caught up in the middle of a civil war, which was very frightening. When I see all the dreadful things that are happening in the Middle East these days, it reminds me of those times and I talk about it with my husband. I guess I am lucky in that he seems interested ( unless he's faking it!) so there's never an issue.

Eloethan Wed 13-Aug-14 18:04:18

I'm so sorry you feel hurt overthehill. On reflection, and having read your last post, I think it may have been presumptuous of me to comment as I did, because I am not you and I cannot know how you feel - sorry.

I hope that at least putting your thoughts down in writing has helped.

gulligranny Thu 14-Aug-14 13:41:41

I'm sorry too, Overthehill, as Eloethan says we can't really know how you feel. But I had one of those lightbulb moments yesterday in regard to your husband's remembrance of things past - could it be that like so many of us now, his long-term memory is far clearer than his short-term one, so he tends to play safe and talk about things he can properly remember? My OH is very much the same, short-term memory hopeless so he reminisces a lot.
Just a thought ...

Nonu Thu 14-Aug-14 14:29:32

Some people as they get older have better long term memory than short term! IMO

summerlark Thu 14-Aug-14 22:25:29

He doesn't mean to hurt you. He really does remember the early things more clearly. We're all fallible. He's particularly fallible. You need to tell him.
"Darling, don't say these things because they hurt me"
Don't brood, don't let it get to you.
Women are stronger than men. Take control. If he forgets things that are important to you, he can't help it: let it go.
It's now that is important. He's with you now. Make every moment count. Who cares about the past anyway.
Enjoy the now.

vampirequeen Fri 15-Aug-14 07:32:00

It's part of his life. Whilst our pasts aren't an everyday topic of conversation between DH and myself sometimes things pop up. The other day we drove past the first flat I shared with ex so I pointed it out. A couple of months ago the same thing happened with his first home. You can't expunge huge and important moments in your life just because you were with the wrong person.

He's with you. He loves you. The past is the past.

Mishap Fri 15-Aug-14 08:29:01

Come on susie - spill the beans - how was that first night for him?! Anything worth hearing? I am intrigued!

Please don't kill him!

vampirequeen Fri 15-Aug-14 12:19:33

I would imagine that no matter how mediocre it might have been he'd have lied lol. On another site we had a 'hotseat' thread where you could be asked any question although you didn't have to answer if you felt it was too intrusive. The 'first time' question was always asked. Every man who answered said it was brilliant. He was a sex god etc. Every woman said it wasn't quite what she'd expected but generally got better over time. Usually the women said they didn't orgasm because their partners did too quickly. Can't help thinking someone's fibbing lol

Gracesgran Sat 16-Aug-14 23:20:07

My ex will still call me "darling" in conversation and I am not sure how his new long term partner felt about that but I don't actually think it means anything other than we are part of the same family as we have children together and it's a useful handle. I know when I see him he feels a bit more like the old family uncle but not in the least like the person I married.

I think I would be more concerned if he had never seen her since their break-up as he would be fantasising about someone who doesn't exist but as they have children I presume he sees her from time to time. If he hadn't seen her I would suggest an innocent "oh look" as you point out an up to date photo on Facebook!

I bet, if you asked his ex wife, she would say that one of his failings was that he could sometimes be insensitive. Failings - we all have them but he must have a lot of good points as you have stayed together for 41 years. You have been his life, not her.

seasider Sat 16-Aug-14 23:46:47

Well said vampire. I totally agree! Ex-DH is the father of two of my children and was once an important part of my life. Current DP has two ex-wives and he often mentions things relating to his time with them. I do the same but for both of us it is just past history. You have been together a long time and your DH has chosen to be with you so do not let his stories bother you!

ajanela Sun 17-Aug-14 13:00:57

Sorry to get technical but I read research that said as we get older we remember more clearly the time between the ages of 15 - 25 and so that I think would account for people talking about these memories.

Having just been to a 50 year reunion of the people I trained with I would say that was true and I have big blanks in between then and now.

And Silver Cross were very good prams!.

MamaCaz Wed 20-Aug-14 16:28:49

I haven't been married before, but my husband has. He and his ex were married for about seven years and didn't part on good terms.

When I was younger (we married when I was only 19), any mention of his first wife and their joint life would upset me, though I tried - probably not very successfully - not to let it show.

Nowadays, I'd like to think that I'm confident enough in myself and our relationship to take it in my stride. That's just as well, as last year he accidentally called me his ex's name! Given that we've been married now for thirty-odd years, I actually found it rather amusing, which certainly wouldn't have been the case in our early days together hmm

sturn22 Mon 25-Aug-14 11:02:01

It seems to me. Overthehill that you may be feeling a sense of rejection because of these comments your DH makes.It is not a matter of you minding his attachment to his earlier life but of him not remembering similar things in his second marriage to you or of not giving them equal importance.This can feel quite rejecting.I can't know if he means to do that or if his memory is changing so that the past is easier to remember.

tcherry Mon 25-Aug-14 23:12:23

Dear Over you say yourself that he has left you in no doubt that he loves you

I think you are misunderstanding him as from what you have said it is the PLACE that he is looking back on fondly and not his x wife.

He has been with you 40 years and was with her 9!! need I say more.

The fact that you can still feel a little jealousy is a good thing and means that your love for him is still alive and kicking

You Over are one of the lucky ones..

overthehill Thu 04-Sep-14 20:09:41


"you may be feeling a sense of rejection because of these comments your DH makes.It is not a matter of you minding his attachment to his earlier life but of him not remembering similar things in his second marriage to you or of not giving them equal importance."

Yes you have hit the nail on the head it is the `not remembering` the things our children did or things we have done which I find annoying.