Worried about DD and DGC

I would think that your DD's previous experience with a drug user was at least emotionally damaging if not physical. Perhaps she now feels worthless and that makes her easy to control. You say your SIL is very manipulative and demanding. If she is emotionally damaged that makes her an easy target for a manipulative man. If she is being controlled I doubt she knows it's happening. I was controlled for over 20 years and it was only when I left that I realised what had been happening.

All you can do is be there for her. Let her know she's loved and that whatever happens you will always be there.

One thing though. If the house is disgusting I have to ask if you believe the children are safe and being nurtured. If you can't say yes to this question then you have to report them to social services. You can do it anonymously.

I am so sorry, it has to be so hard for you to watch on.
There is something not right, who would want to live in a dirty house and support a man who is so awful. If your DD is working she can't do everything, he is of no use, is DD subject to feeling low, perhaps it is easier to go along with his behaviour than to fight it.

What was house like with her ex.
I agree that perhaps rock bottom has to be hit, and then you do what you can for her and DGC, not him.

So sad for what you, and she, are missing.

Your description has signs of your daughter's husband having addiction problems, whether to drink or gambling. Is there an Al-anon group near you? They help all the friends and family of someone with a drink problem, and help people "detach with love".

If the house is that dirty, and always short of money, it may be worth a call to social care and health - they can often affect change

Could the man be suffering from depression?
If DD has a history of unsuitable partners, a pattern changing course may help - local Dv services could advise.

I can't say that my daughter is in as bad a situation as yours, but her OH is very manipulative, Having said that, so was my Ex and it took me years to get rid of him. I think things will come to a head eventually. If your daughter ever needs a roof, simply don't offer one to him.

Sounds rotten to me !

Hi Janerowena
I would love to kidnap her and the kids and keep them all safe and well cared for but I know what you mean.
I thought she would have come to here senses after the previous partner because there surely cannot be anything much worse than seeing your child nearly killed by their own father.
The previous partner took drugs but I dont think this one does. He smokes a lot, drinks a fair bit and had some weird involvement with gambling. My daughter stopped his bank card after that.
I am 10 years older now than I was at the first instance, my health is even less good than it was then and I seem to be less able to cope. Other family want me to be safe so they want me to stay back but she is my child and I miss what I cant have.
Sugarpufffairy

sugarpuff I'm sorry for you.

20 demanding calls in one afternoon? Neglect of personal surroundings? Something isn't right there...

Short of kidnapping her and employing someone to hold her captive until she comes to her senses, there is nothing you can do, until she is at rock-bottom. Anything you do will be seen as interference. Bossiness. Until SHE is ready to call it a day. I do so feel for you, but I think yopu have to stay detached without enabling her. Don't help her clear up, just be there, I wonder if he takes drugs?