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My daughter in law and son

(57 Posts)
msmac Wed 20-Aug-14 19:05:39

I am new here and have been looking on the internet for some guidance. My DIL, is a not a nice person and my son backs her up. She is 8 months pregnant with the second child. My first grandson is 5. She has repeatedly "taken him away" from us by not allowing us to see or talk to him. Usually the reasons are silly (the first one, 3 years ago) after I watched him everyday since he was 3 months, was because I was angry that she and my son would not help move some very heavy furniture. For that she took our grandson away for three months. That was the first of many. The latest one that happened two days ago, I was watching the 5 year old and he told me his maternal grandfather taught him to call me a "bitch". Then the little one said, I know that is a bad word and I won't call you that anymore. It was like someone plunged a hot dagger in my heart. Well, anyhow, for some unknown reason, (my husband did call our son and ask why a 5 year old child was being taught to call his grandmother that), and then the 37 year son came up and started a fight with me. My husband had to ask him to leave. Now we "are not permitted to see the child" and we are not going to be told when the new one comes. She is close to delivery per OB/GYN on Monday. What are we doing wrong? Just a side note, no on my son's side (our side), talks to either of them because of her antics. My grandson has never meat his aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews or great grandmother of 79.
Where do we go from here, I am very tired of this emotional roller coaster. Are we the wrong ones? Any ideas would be helpful.
We do help them, financially, watching the 5 year old, etc. I am cordial to her and him, but given all the problems, hard to be over joyed.

msmac Wed 20-Aug-14 19:09:01

Sorry about the typos. Just upset over all of this.

Stansgran Wed 20-Aug-14 19:25:44

I'm always astonished at how lacking in basic politeness people are . I can't advise as I have problems with family but I suspect most people will say take a deep breath and ignore it. Bitch in my opinion is a word that a five year old should not have heard and a grandparent should not have said. I hope he never uses it to his mother and he will need to learn to respect all women in the world he grows up in .

Sugarpufffairy Wed 20-Aug-14 21:21:11

Hi MsMac
I have been through this loads of times. I think they do it because they know it will hurt us the most. They need us for various reasons but they do not like that either. The child being taught to say a word like that towards the granny is not acceptable. I have given up with it all. I just do what I want if I want. I wont let the kids go without food but I do not buy clothes or toys except as birthday and christmas presents. I only babysit if it is for health reasons now. I went to babysit one child so that the other child could be taken to Dr. I will never let it show that they are hurting me. It hurts so much but it is best never to show it. I dont know what you or any of us can do to change things. We just have to sit it out. They will need us before we need them (hopefully). Who will be babysitting child No 1 while child no 2 is born. Sounds like it will be a C Section, stupid woman she will need all the help she can get and should not be alienating any of the family. There should be laws against this but so far there does not seem to be.
Take care

wondergran Wed 20-Aug-14 22:12:28

Wise words sugarpuffairy. I have also had this threat against me on several occasions. My DGS, 3, lived with me and I did so much for him but suddenly due to DD obtaining new bf things changed overnight.
Yes, they know it hurts and in many ways it's like having a loaded gun at my head. If I dare to say anything then the threat of not seeing him again is brought up.
I used to sob and virtually beg to see him but suddenly wised up and realised how stupid and vulnerable I am making myself.
All I can say is, keep the pain to yourself, don't dare let them see the affect they are having. It sounds as if your son is siding with your DiL and that leaves you somewhat isolated.
Try to distance yourself if you can. Stop the financial help. Let them sort their own problems out. Babysit if you are asked but you really must lie low now before things totally break down.

tcherry Wed 20-Aug-14 22:30:51

msmac I do feel sorry for you but I feel more sorry for your grandsonsad for having horrible parents that no one wants to talk to

ninathenana Thu 21-Aug-14 00:02:07

Reminds me of the old saying 'you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family'
flowers to all of you suffering in this way.

suebailey1 Thu 21-Aug-14 10:16:52

How horrible for you and I don't know what to suggest. I certainly don't think they deserve your financial help. Hopefully as your GS grows he will make his own mind up. Make a voodoo doll and stick pins in it!!!

henetha Thu 21-Aug-14 10:28:02

This is dreadful. There certainly is a bitch in your family and it's definitely not you, msmac. It is very obviously who is in the wrong here. She sounds an absolute nightmare.
I wish I was better at giving advice. Maybe getting off the roller coaster for a while might help you. Possibly steer clear of them for a while?
I know it's not easy, but it seems to me that you need to distance yourself from this stress for a while. Sooner or later your son will see the true character of his wife, I hope, and things will then improve.
Loads of good wishes to you. And to the dear innocent child and forthcoming baby.

Nonnie Thu 21-Aug-14 10:30:51

I really do empathise. I don't understand this breed of woman, they want everything, take it and then give nothing back. They are selfish, demanding and controlling but all the publicity is given to the women who are badly treated by men and we never hear about the women who behave like this. They lie about others and never think that anyone else has feelings and, in the case I am an expert on. put themselves even before the children. They alienate their man from his family and often break him too.

Bitter me? Oh yes I am.

In our case the worm turned but only after she had driven him to illness.


Smileless2012 Thu 21-Aug-14 17:16:52

You're absolutely correct Nonnie. You've done such a good job of summing up my d.i.l. I can't help but wonder if you've actually met her!!

This is an awful situation for you to be in msmac, it makes me wonder if I'm better off having no contact with my s and only gc, than being where you are. I agree with other posters; keep your distance and let them fend for them selves. Don't deprive your self of the opportunity of seeing your gc if they ask you to baby sit but don't volunteer.

flowersfor you. I hope things improve.

tigger Fri 22-Aug-14 10:47:19

Having endured this myself for nearly fourteen years I now have two granchildren who hardly know me. I am beyond the pain and hurt (well not quite so much) and have resigned myself to a situation where my son and his family are almost off the radar. All I can say is don't lay the blame 100% on her, your son allowed it to happen, he should have been more supportive but I guess goes long with it for a quiet life. Do you believe in Karma what comes around goes around, I have a dream that one day my grandchildren will turn to me.

Yogagirl Fri 22-Aug-14 18:32:57

Hello Msmac
Hate to say it, but sounds like they have cut you out for good! If I were in your shoes I would keep quiet until after the new baby is born (week or two) & then go round with flowers & presents for the new baby & try to stop this alienation before it becomes permanent! Phone to ask how mother & baby are doing when she/he is born though,& send a card in the post to show you care. Goodluck flowers
I have been cut out of my GC lives for nearly two years now & I did and said nothing wrong! Our stories (Smileless too) are on the thread 'cut out of their lives'
Ar tigger so sorry flowers & for others on here in the same sad boat flowers

Penstemmon Fri 22-Aug-14 19:11:16

It sounds as though the best way is to play it down and not show you are upset /angry/hurt. This is a type of bullying behaviour and as we know bullies gain pleasure from seeing the upset they cause.

I agree that you should carry on as if you are completely over the argument. i.e. call when baby due/take gift etc. play it calm and cool if you possibly can. Avoid responding in a distressed way. If it is still too raw, stay away until you feel you can respond 'normally' to seeing them.
Good luck..I can see it would be difficult.

I know you say you DIL is not very nice but with father like that I am not surprised she does not know how to behave appropriately!

Judthepud2 Fri 22-Aug-14 21:40:20

Absolutely agree with all former posts. Don't show how much they are hurting you. And DON'T volunteer to help out!! Do it if asked but with no fuss. I tried the pull back approach a few times with DD and she came back to me with a lot more respect.

It amazes me when the other grandparents indulge in grandparent wars. All grandparents have a role in their grandchildren's lives. It should not be a competition! We have 1 problematic grandmother in an inlaw family who demeans me by calling me the wee granny in the country (she is inner city and has never left her own area!) Luckily the DGSs are old enough not to be influenced by this.

It is so awful when grandchildren are used as emotional blackmail. I feel for all of you who have lost contact with DGCs. It must hurt terribly. ((Hugs))

sweetheartnana Fri 22-Aug-14 22:22:04

took care of my disabled grandson for a lot of his early years, including endless 40 mile round trips to hospital to support him and my son and his wife. not long after they had their 2nd child, the rot set in, I wasn't always able to be on call for them 24/7. even though I used to drop what I was doing to help them with both money and time. they gradually pushed me out of their lives and I haven't even seen their 3rd child who is nearly 2 now. I have been told to stay out of their lives and not get in touch so that is what I have done. I just hope that when the younger two children are older they seek me out. my username is what my grandson used to call me.

Marmark1 Sat 23-Aug-14 08:56:45

What do you do about it though.I know,in my case ,my Son stands up for us.But he's still ruled by her.Help.

Marmark1 Sat 23-Aug-14 08:59:21

Do mothers of Daughters condone their nastiness ?

petallus Sat 23-Aug-14 09:10:53

I am sure there are unpleasant people around of both sexes who might unfortunately end up married to one's children.

However, there seems to be a tendency for people with sons to blame their daughters-in-law when things go wrong as though it is acceptable that their sons are too weak to stand up to a dominating partner.

Anyway, without being a fly on wall, surely it is difficult to know for sure who is making the decisions about access to GC and so on.

Having said that, I do feel very sorry for grandparents who find themselves in the distressing position of not being able to see their grandchildren.

Marmark1 Sat 23-Aug-14 14:02:39

I think It tends to be DIL resenting MILs in the main.Having said that each case must be judged seperatly.
In my case I don't retaliate for fear of making it worse.My DIL is very very insecure.Every body agrees that she would resent anybody who is close to my Son.

Flowerofthewest Sat 23-Aug-14 19:11:39

I also had a vicious and cruel DiL who led my son a terrible life. I found out just how terrible when he had an attempt on his life and left poems to that effect. We never knew. Luckily he is remarried now but because of her we no longer see our lovely grandchildren and haven't for 7 years and neither does he. I don't think much can be done about her if it is in her nature, it's the way she was brought up by the sound of it. Her father is no roll model.

mrsbluesky Sat 23-Aug-14 21:19:51

And I thought I must be the only one with DiL problems!! Mine never talks to me or OH unless we talk to her first. As we live a distance away, we don't visit very often, but whenever we do, without fail, DiL always goes out for at a period of time. She never offers us any hospitality when we visit. We've even had to ask for a cup of tea. My son does more than his fair share in the house so is constantly busy with the children whilst DiL floats around doing her own thing. I could go on but just wanted to add this message as I feel quite relieved, in a way, to know I'm not the only one with this problem.

Marmark1 Sun 24-Aug-14 09:06:45

A bit like mine.In my situation, my DILs mother is not in the best of health.So I do most of the babysitting .But I don't think she will ever accept me.But as I'v said.She resents everybody Sons close to.His friends rarely go there now.

mrsbluesky Sun 24-Aug-14 10:13:29

My DiL has no interest whatsoever in my sons family. She doesn't like where we live or people who come from where we live. How on earth could we ever deal with that. We are what we are. Just to say she hasn't visited us for 3 1/2 years! My other DiL is so lovely, the complete opposite, so I'm advised by a close friend to concentrate on this family and try to let the other problems go over my head. Not easy!!

Marmark1 Sun 24-Aug-14 14:41:11

Your right,not easy at all.But it's her problem isn't it,not yours.These people cannot be truly happy can they.Nobody can find true happiness on the back of someone's misery.I hear what your saying,our sons are involved.Your friends are right,consetrate on your other son.Always be polite and as friendly as possible (grit teeth).and hope they will come round .I only have 1son.We were always very very close.My friends think that's the problem.I do know that my son won't let her push me right out.
This is a good sight.Nice to hear from people similar to me.All the best to you all.