Gransnet forums


My daughter in law and son

(58 Posts)
msmac Wed 20-Aug-14 19:05:39

I am new here and have been looking on the internet for some guidance. My DIL, is a not a nice person and my son backs her up. She is 8 months pregnant with the second child. My first grandson is 5. She has repeatedly "taken him away" from us by not allowing us to see or talk to him. Usually the reasons are silly (the first one, 3 years ago) after I watched him everyday since he was 3 months, was because I was angry that she and my son would not help move some very heavy furniture. For that she took our grandson away for three months. That was the first of many. The latest one that happened two days ago, I was watching the 5 year old and he told me his maternal grandfather taught him to call me a "bitch". Then the little one said, I know that is a bad word and I won't call you that anymore. It was like someone plunged a hot dagger in my heart. Well, anyhow, for some unknown reason, (my husband did call our son and ask why a 5 year old child was being taught to call his grandmother that), and then the 37 year son came up and started a fight with me. My husband had to ask him to leave. Now we "are not permitted to see the child" and we are not going to be told when the new one comes. She is close to delivery per OB/GYN on Monday. What are we doing wrong? Just a side note, no on my son's side (our side), talks to either of them because of her antics. My grandson has never meat his aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews or great grandmother of 79.
Where do we go from here, I am very tired of this emotional roller coaster. Are we the wrong ones? Any ideas would be helpful.
We do help them, financially, watching the 5 year old, etc. I am cordial to her and him, but given all the problems, hard to be over joyed.

janeainsworth Fri 20-Feb-15 19:41:54

Claire Just one more word of advice, if I may.
Personally I wouldn't get involved in any tit-for-tat games, such as they-see-the-other-grandma-more-than-me-so-I'm-going -to be too-busy-to take-them over-there-in-my-car.
I doubt whether your DiL and her mother are deliberately trying to exclude you.
My guess is that they haven't a clue how you feel. Perhaps they are a bit intimidated by you, because you're a teacher and they haven't had a profession? Some people are.
Be the best, and most generous, woman that you can be(I don't mean financially generous) and then you will have nothing to reproach yourself for, and neither will anyone else.
Your time will come.

claireseptember Fri 20-Feb-15 23:57:18

Actually you're right Jane. I don't want to demean myself and what I do I do for the little boys. Thank you. I won't play games.

janeainsworth Sat 21-Feb-15 07:52:05

Claire flowers

Anya Sat 21-Feb-15 08:22:47

'If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.'

Many people attribute this quote to Anthony Robbins and before him Albert Einstein, Henry Ford, and even Mark Twain. Regardless of the origin, what matters is the point it makes. If you want to change the end result, you need to change the way you do things.

Riverwalk Sat 21-Feb-15 08:24:57

Claire on another thread I wrote about a friend who was estranged from her DIL for about a year after receiving a four-page handwritten letter detailing all her faults. I didn't ask what the details of the letter were, but can imagine.

My friend is kind, helpful, and generous with time and money almost to a fault - she paid for holidays, bought clothes, etc. But all this could have been seen as controlling and domineering and trying to run their lives.

You saw your GC once in half-term and that's enough - the fact that they see other gran more frequently is just how it is. I can understand your annoyance about pyjamas, being indoors all day etc, I would be the same and at least you're brave enough to admit that it's a culture clash!

CaroleAnne Sat 28-Feb-15 12:38:20

Having just returned from Australia to be with our D and SIL and 3 GC with a heavy heart, it is reassuring to read all of these messages, because my husband and I also suffered. Prior to going there my D had asked on many occasions for us to visit and told us how much she was looking forward to our being there. It was completely different when we were actually there. My D was morose and disinterested for most of the 8 weeks we were there, my SIL said virtually every day what a nuisance we were and didn't want us to be there. What was worse was that we were never trusted with our GC, who by the way were delightful on the whole. Then in the last week both D and SIL totally changed and were a pleasure to be with. This Jekyll and Hyde behaviour is not acceptable in any way. However to keep in contact with the GC we are just grinning and bearing it. Just keeping our distance. Thank you again for your insights and help, and reassuring us. Thankfully we have a son who we don't have a problem with. All the best to one and all on your journey.

loopylou Sat 28-Feb-15 12:47:00

How sad CaroleAnne, and how rude of your SIL!
I guess you have little choice other than stoically bearing it sad, thank goodness you have a good relationship with your son
flowers to you both x